RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (9/30/2015 11:19:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
Did they forgive that person?


Eventually, yes.

And I'm the better for it now that I have forgiven him.

It took a lot of time though (although the shit my ex pulled on me was not of the same scale that the stuff you're talking about, so it took years to forgive him).


quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
Did they get back together with that person?


HELL FUCKING NO!!!!

He's not going to change just because you forgive him. He's denying everything, so he's not even going to change period.

Why on Earth would you go back to him?

It will be the same as before, only worse this time.



Bhruic -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (9/30/2015 11:32:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY

I've been in and out of a relationship with the same dominant man for about 20-years. He is so wonderful but I can't handle his temper and outbursts, that's why I never married him.

We were living together and had mutual items and checking account. He began having trouble at work and his anger broke out. He started to scream and yell at me. It was so bad I moved out. I went to take out the $5,000 I put into our mutual banking account. However, it was gone. I called him up and he said he invested it in the stock market. I told him I want it and he yells and screams at me.

I had to get an attorney to get my things back. After all the smoke has cleared, he wants to get back together with me. I told him it's over and don't contact me anymore. He begins to cry and insists we get back together.

Now, if I forgave him, we could continue in our beautiful relationship. I love our time together. But he hurt me too deep.

Aren't we supposed to forgive and forget? I just can't seem to do it.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Any comments?


We ARE supposed to forgive... mainly because it is healthy for us. But what does forgive mean? To me, it doesn't mean that you condone what someone did, and it doesn't mean that you have to behave as if it never happened.

To me, forgiveness means that you have come to understand why someone did what they did. What the things were that drove them to do something wrong and selfish, and how they might have been brought up to be and act that way... then from understanding, you can forgive them for what they did.

But that does not mean that you are obligated to forget, or that your forgiveness magically makes them someone you should be with, or someone who has changed.

Forgiveness is one thing... accepting that someone will never do that again, or has changed and is a different person is something else entirely.

Trust your instincts. If you feel that he is genuinely remorseful, and things will be different, then forgive and start again. If you don't think things will change, then forgive and move on.



Bhruic -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (9/30/2015 11:48:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Fr

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

-Maya Angelou





Part of me subscribes to this sentiment, and part of me doesn't.

As social creatures, I think the face we present to the world isn't always an accurate depiction of who we fundamentally are, especially when it comes to bad behavior.

For many people, their bad behavior is a manifestation of the failure of their coping skills when dealing with stress and the myriad of things that life throws at us. Some people have poor coping skills... they are unhappy, and the people around them suffer as a result.

Over the course of our lives, some people actually are able to recognize and abandon childhood coping mechanisms that are destructive in adulthood, and develop new methods of coping that are successful... In that sense, some people really can change.

Unfortunately, that kind of change, for a lot of reasons, usually doesn't happen in the course of one intimate relationship, however long.



sexyred1 -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (9/30/2015 11:27:11 PM)

I disagree to an extent.

I believe that quote to represent men (and women) who warn you about their bad character traits, either at the beginning, which is preferable or worse, after the "mask" they put on falls off.

Then, if you don't leave, that person can say, well I told you how I am and still you stayed.

So you basically enable that person to hurt you.

As far as forgiveness? Understanding motives doesn't automatically make forgiveness mandatory.

I don't forgive anyone who hurt me on purpose and if I ever did, I certainly would never forget.

To me, trust is too important to fuck with.



Lucylastic -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 6:37:26 AM)

Forgiving is easy...if it breaks your trust...its much much harder.

This is my take on things...[image]http://www.lucylasticslair.com/colllar/truth.jpg[/image]



Bhruic -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 7:05:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


As far as forgiveness? Understanding motives doesn't automatically make forgiveness mandatory.




I agree. My point was more that without comprehending why someone did what they did, and who they are, forgiveness isn't possible... or at least is meaningless.

In my opinion, forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so you can move on, not something you do for them.



cindyluvNY -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 8:52:44 AM)

I really learned a lot from reading these posts.

I guess it's my Catholic guilt kicking in. It seems to me if I was more of a "spiritual" person, I would be able to "let go" of all the hurt and pain he has caused me. I can walk free of any remembering or memories of the suffering I went through. I would be able to smile at him, hug him, and tell him I forgive him, and we can continue our relationship. It seems to me that is what a spiritual person would do. But I'm just not there and I feel like I should.



NookieNotes -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 8:52:44 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

In my opinion, forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so you can move on, not something you do for them.


I agree.



DesFIP -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 9:10:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY

I really learned a lot from reading these posts.

I guess it's my Catholic guilt kicking in. It seems to me if I was more of a "spiritual" person, I would be able to "let go" of all the hurt and pain he has caused me. I can walk free of any remembering or memories of the suffering I went through. I would be able to smile at him, hug him, and tell him I forgive him, and we can continue our relationship. It seems to me that is what a spiritual person would do. But I'm just not there and I feel like I should.



No, spiritual doesn't mean glutton for punishment.

Allowing someone with his history and problems to continue to mistreat you is what a person who is unable to be smart about her life would do.

If you had a thorn in your side, would you refuse to take it out because you weren't the one who put it in there? That's refusal to forgive, you allow what someone else did to keep hurting you.

By removing this thorn, cleaning out the wound and letting it heal, you take the constant thinking about him off your mind and then you get to move on.

Forgiveness says nothing about forgetting. It's a method of reclaiming your life. As long as you're mired in resentment, then he's still controlling you. And you already know he isn't someone safe to give control to.

Honestly, the best thing I can recommend is therapy in order to get the distance you need.



Lucylastic -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 9:36:20 AM)

I still have my ..."If only" moments, with people who were and would be very toxic for me 30 years ago.
One specifically who I would have "died" for, if I had let him back in my life.
I still miss him. I was crazy about him, literally. But he was a criminal alcoholic, who spent a lot of time in and out of jail. I was attracted to bad boys, a rather unhealthy phase, but all in all, I dont regret a minute, except the end. He got violent once, when he drank him self oblivious on beer and halperidol(prescribed after a car accident) Began to beat up on his landlord, and I tried to stop him. He put me in hospital with three broken ribs, 2 skull fractures, a fractured shoulder, and a damaged kidney. The cops charged him with grievous bodily harm. I was SOOOOO tempted to forgive him, he had never been violent before. I was still mad about him, I was sure it was an anomaly. But then, he stated I had gone after him with a knife....it was a slash from my heel kicking out to protect myself from having had my head bounced off the stair post a fourth time.
That point I knew he would lie to protect himself,and no one would ever do that to me ever again.
He got three years. I saw him once after that.
It was the hardest thing Ive ever done. But after 30+ years, it was the best thing Ive ever done, outside having my kids and marrying my husband.



InHisHeart -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 9:37:30 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY

I really learned a lot from reading these posts.

I guess it's my Catholic guilt kicking in. It seems to me if I was more of a "spiritual" person, I would be able to "let go" of all the hurt and pain he has caused me. I can walk free of any remembering or memories of the suffering I went through. I would be able to smile at him, hug him, and tell him I forgive him, and we can continue our relationship. It seems to me that is what a spiritual person would do. But I'm just not there and I feel like I should.


I'm a very spiritual person, not a religious person. I have forgiven 2 people who seriously hurt me physically (kidnap, beat, knife slashed, rape) which caused me serious emotional issues and took years of therapy to deal with in a healthy way instead of the unhealthy ways I once used to cope and to come to terms with what happened. These men where not partners/lovers but one was a very close friends for many years who I loved dearly like a brother, he was my best friend. I forgave them but I did not tell them I forgave them, I did not hug them, I did not smile at them and I did not continue on with what once was or so I thought a great friendship.

IMO........Forgiveness takes time and it happens when/if you're ready for it to happen and if you want to forgive but forgiveness does not mean wanting the person who hurt you and caused you pain back in your life, it doesn't mean the hurt someone caused is ok with you. Forgiveness does not mean you walk free of the memories, what it does mean (IMO) is by forgiving you can find peace within yourself so the hurt and memories no longer have a negative effect on you and your life. It means being able to let go of the hurt, the pain, the betrayal, the hate, the anger, all the negative feelings that will eventually eat you up inside if you don't let go.

As Bhruic said........ "forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so you can move on, not something you do for them." I am a firm believer in that. The following quote I read when I was going through the process of healing I found to be very true for me.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." -- Lewis B. Smedes





WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 9:58:38 AM)

You looked him in the eyes, face to face, told him what he did to harm you and he denied it?

Ok, either he has anger blackouts, or verbally abusing people is so common to him that he doesn't really register it as an issue.

My ex-husband had blackouts of anger. He did horrible things in his anger that I won't talk about to this day nearly 20 years later.

When I left him, I had to sneak away and hide from him for a long time - but I did call him - and he was shocked I left him. He actually asked "What did I do? Why did you leave me?" I was shocked that he genuinely never expected his actions would have consequences. In retrospect, why should they? I was complicit to his actions by, (wait for it) Forgiving him and staying as long as I did.




cindyluvNY -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 10:41:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

You looked him in the eyes, face to face, told him what he did to harm you and he denied it?

Ok, either he has anger blackouts, or verbally abusing people is so common to him that he doesn't really register it as an issue.

My ex-husband had blackouts of anger. He did horrible things in his anger that I won't talk about to this day nearly 20 years later.

When I left him, I had to sneak away and hide from him for a long time - but I did call him - and he was shocked I left him. He actually asked "What did I do? Why did you leave me?" I was shocked that he genuinely never expected his actions would have consequences. In retrospect, why should they? I was complicit to his actions by, (wait for it) Forgiving him and staying as long as I did.





I see what you are saying. If we forgive and forget and get back into the relationship it's like we are enabling them to be who they are.

I know this is off the subject matter, but what if it is a family member? I have a Dad and brother who are pretty much the same way. Is blood thicker then water? Would you treat a family member differently?



LadyPact -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 10:54:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
I really learned a lot from reading these posts.

I guess it's my Catholic guilt kicking in. It seems to me if I was more of a "spiritual" person, I would be able to "let go" of all the hurt and pain he has caused me. I can walk free of any remembering or memories of the suffering I went through. I would be able to smile at him, hug him, and tell him I forgive him, and we can continue our relationship. It seems to me that is what a spiritual person would do. But I'm just not there and I feel like I should.

There is a difference between ridding yourself of resentment and allowing someone to hurt you again. Letting go of resentment, which can be damaging to you if you allow it to consume you is not the same thing. It also doesn't mean that you won't remember the bad memories of another person hurting you.

There's also a difference between somebody making amends and someone who chooses to deny what they did. Amends is not somebody just crying at you, saying they are sorry, or any other version of gum flapping. Making amends means the other person actually does something to repair the damage.

You made such a point earlier in the thread about how the anger burst that got you to leave him wasn't the only time. It was the worst you had seen but there had been others. Why didn't he go to anger management the other times you left him? It was very kind of Des to make the suggestion that you do the research for him but why hasn't he done that on his own at some point in the last twenty years? If he had been beating the crap out of you in a non consensual/vanilla domestic violence situation, would you still be saying you should forgive him and go back to him?

Also, I must have missed it but I didn't catch the answer about how long it took to get your money back.






smartsub10 -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 11:16:30 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY


quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

You looked him in the eyes, face to face, told him what he did to harm you and he denied it?

Ok, either he has anger blackouts, or verbally abusing people is so common to him that he doesn't really register it as an issue.

My ex-husband had blackouts of anger. He did horrible things in his anger that I won't talk about to this day nearly 20 years later.

When I left him, I had to sneak away and hide from him for a long time - but I did call him - and he was shocked I left him. He actually asked "What did I do? Why did you leave me?" I was shocked that he genuinely never expected his actions would have consequences. In retrospect, why should they? I was complicit to his actions by, (wait for it) Forgiving him and staying as long as I did.





I see what you are saying. If we forgive and forget and get back into the relationship it's like we are enabling them to be who they are.

I know this is off the subject matter, but what if it is a family member? I have a Dad and brother who are pretty much the same way. Is blood thicker then water? Would you treat a family member differently?


My mother was an angry, abusive drunk. Nothing I could say or do was good enough. At age 20 I turned my back on her. At age 60 I have no regrets. Abusive relationships are toxic. Period.



Bhruic -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 11:32:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY

I really learned a lot from reading these posts.

I guess it's my Catholic guilt kicking in. It seems to me if I was more of a "spiritual" person, I would be able to "let go" of all the hurt and pain he has caused me. I can walk free of any remembering or memories of the suffering I went through. I would be able to smile at him, hug him, and tell him I forgive him, and we can continue our relationship. It seems to me that is what a spiritual person would do. But I'm just not there and I feel like I should.


As a spiritual person myself... In your shoes I would forgive, and move on... And try not to fear change. Change is often better than you think.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/1/2015 11:39:36 AM)

cindyluvNY,

Smartsub answered the question better than I can. The topic of addictions and abuse is a hard one for me and rather than let myself take a trip down memory lane, I'm going to go enjoy the sunny day and take my dog on a run along side my bike.

I wish you the best, in whatever choices you make for yourself.



LadyPact -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/2/2015 2:23:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
I see what you are saying. If we forgive and forget and get back into the relationship it's like we are enabling them to be who they are.

I know this is off the subject matter, but what if it is a family member? I have a Dad and brother who are pretty much the same way. Is blood thicker then water? Would you treat a family member differently?

This came in while I was typing my other reply. I wanted to address it before we split out of town today.

I happen to be of the mind that you can toss darn near any toxic person out of your life. You have very few requirements when it comes to people trying to do you harm. (Like it or not, I consider somebody ripping you off for five grand, who won't return your property, and won't exit your life when you tell them that you don't want them in it "harm".) You are not obligated to allow people to be a detrimental influence in your life, whatever definition you put on it.

About the only person that you can't kick from your life would be your little people and due to circumstances beyond control, those who helped you to create said little people, to a certain extent. Anybody else, through their actions, can buy themselves a one way ticket out of your life if no positive comes from the relationship. Some people just are that, hon. You can't necessarily change sick people who think they are entitled to your good graces.

If your friend came to you, right now, with something (unspecified) that would make you want to tell her to run as far from the other person as she could possibly get, wouldn't you tell her to think of her self-preservation first? That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You mention being Catholic. Do you think your priest would advise you to put this person back into your life? Maybe that's your answer.




heartfeltsub -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/2/2015 3:09:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


As far as forgiveness? Understanding motives doesn't automatically make forgiveness mandatory.




I agree. My point was more that without comprehending why someone did what they did, and who they are, forgiveness isn't possible... or at least is meaningless.

In my opinion, forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so you can move on, not something you do for them.


That is so true, forgiveness is all about getting yourself out of the bondage of bitterness and becoming a whole person, not someone who is wrapped up in the wounds that have been inflicted on you by the actions of others. But it does not mean, letting a toxic person continue to inflict more wounds that you will eventually have to forgive them for inflicting. If you continue to allow someone to inflict wounds after you know that person is toxic, regardless of their familial ties (father, brother), you will end up having to forgive yourself for allowing it.

I was also raised Catholic for many years and I know that the priest would probably just quote from the Ten Commandments about honoring your father and mother so that it will be well with you and that you will live long on the earth. While I believe that is important, it is also important to protect yourself from those who would wound you. While my dad was alive, because of his nature, any interaction with him or attempted interaction with him was extremely hurtful. So eventually to protect myself I had to stop trying to fix him, fix our relationship, because God also says to love others as we love ourselves. That requires that we actually treat ourselves with love.

Would you allow someone you love to repeatedly be wounded and not do anything to protect them? So why would it be wrong to protect yourself?

As I indicated earlier, I have had to walk away from any type of relationship with my father, but that did not stop me from helping to set his affairs in order after he was dead, So I still honored him, even though I could not be in relationship with him. I have a similar situation with my older sister, who is so toxic, it is not possible to even hold a conversation with her. So for my own emotional well-being, I have had to protect myself by not being around her anymore.

I do not know the entire nature of your relationship with your father and your brother, but if it is harmful to you, you have the right, while still being true to any religious viewpoints you may hold, to protect your heart and soul from being wounded. Jesus did not call you to do otherwise.

heartfelt



crazyml -> RE: Forgiving Your Dominant (10/2/2015 4:35:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Going back to an ex is like taking a shower and then putting your dirty underwear back on.


QFT

[Ed to correct QTF to QFT)]



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625