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Need to understand - 9/30/2015 8:10:30 PM   
onelasttime82007


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I have always had extreme trouble having orgasms, and for this reason orgasm control has always been a hard limit for me. When my current partner and I began having sex, to my shock, I had an orgasm the very first time. After a few months of being able to have regular orgasms with him, I started having difficulty again. I could get right to the peak, and then it feels as though something pulls me back. A few nights ago, I would reach the peak several times but still couldn't go over the edge. Finally at some point, my partner told me to cum for him, and I did. This was a mind blowing type of orgasm, like I've never felt before. Later the same scenario happened, I couldn't orgasm until he said those words. Then we tried again, he didn't say anything and I didn't orgasm.

He is very new to the lifestyle and I'm not even sure that he caught onto what happened. I haven't brought this up to him because I don't know how to explain what happened or why it happened. This is a scary issue for me because I'm not sure that I want to hand that type of control over, but I'm also not sure I want to go back to not having orgasms.

I do plan to talk to him about this on Sunday, however I would like to have some kind of understanding before I do. Can anyone help me with this?
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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 8:25:34 PM   
epiphiny43


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Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline 		Hard to say what may come of that conversation. But not being able to discuss Everything, particularly your core sexuality, dooms the relationship to 'ships passing in the night.' Which seems to be all some have. Others are ambitious enough to want real relationships.
As for what's going on with your orgasms, Negotiate, Experiment, Rinse and Repeat. You'll figure more out. I'd keep going for those, seems an easy choice. What exactly would be the downside??

(in reply to onelasttime82007)
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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 8:36:13 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		The stimulation for orgasm is usually mental. I've learnt to orgase super easily because I've learnt to put the right visuals and thoughts in my brain that would trigger myself cumming.

For me when I struggle to orgase, I will think of a scene in my mind of something a man who is doing to me that will make me orgase.

Somehow, your trigger is when he tells you to cum. And you just discovered one of your triggers.

The problem I see here is more about trust issues. Generally if a couple is really comfortable and close to each other, such knowledge will be shared, and the man should be using it to help you cum more often.

But you fear orgasm control, why?

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 8:41:37 PM   
onelasttime82007


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Status: offline 		This is actually the first thing that I have had trouble figuring out how to discuss with him, and I'm pretty sure it's because I don't understand it.

The downside for me is that this is a piece of me that I never thought I would have, and now I would be basically be turning that over to someone else. Maybe I'm making it too big of deal in some people's eyes, but for me to go from having maybe 20 orgasms in my lifetime to having them regularly, and then they become dependent on another person is hard for me to wrap my head around.

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 8:44:36 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: onelasttime82007
but for me to go from having maybe 20 orgasms in my lifetime to having them regularly, and then they become dependent on another person is hard for me to wrap my head around.

I would suggest in future sex session with him, can you try to visualise and imagine him saying to you, "Cum for me" in your head, and see if it works for you to control your own cum.

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 9:01:07 PM   
onelasttime82007


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Status: offline 		I will definitely keep that idea in mind and he and I will discuss it. Thank you Greta!

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 9:11:31 PM   
DerangedUnit


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Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		I know the feeling... two people have made me cum. And recently its starting to get harder again.... I have the problem of being pretty all or nothing with things, everything.. so when im cumming I do it 15 times a day, if I try to normalize it it goes away completely. Maybe you need a little boost to kickstart it again. Try to relive that first time with him over again. For me thinking too much is a big problem, if I can stay focused on feelings and not start off on thought tangents it would be easier... but im too easily distracted and have a hard time shutting down my brain long enough to let someone work their magic

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 11:06:36 PM   
sexyred1


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Status: offline 		It's different for everyone.

However, just my opinion of course, I would recommend learning to cum on your own. Also, once you are with someone, make sure you tell them what you need.

Sometimes, no matter what, you cannot get off, which is ok.

I know women who say that they cum just from a Dom telling them to, but I never dealt with that.

I think you have a valid reason to be concerned if this is your only way to an orgasm.

After all, what would you do if this guy was no longer in your life?

Even when you are a sub, you should always be able to handle things on your own.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 9/30/2015 11:07:13 PM >

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 11:10:07 PM   
onelasttime82007


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/19/2013
Status: offline 		I definitely understand the shutting down part, I used to struggle with that a lot. I don't have as many problems with it with my current partner, so there must be something about him that can draw my complete attention, at least most of the time.

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 11:19:39 PM   
onelasttime82007


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/19/2013
Status: offline 		Thanks Red.

I have gotten much better telling my partner what I need, when I know. There are times that I honestly can't say what I need in a particular moment, but he has been good about working with me and trying to figure it out together.

I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I think I am looking at the possibility that this could become a permanent thing with me not being able to cum without his words. Thank you for helping me pinpoint the issue.

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RE: Need to understand - 9/30/2015 11:30:17 PM   
sexyred1


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Status: offline 		Your welcome.

It's funny. In the past I would always say to partners, oh I never got off so hard with anyone else.

And I would mean it.

Until the next one.

But no one can know you, like you!

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RE: Need to understand - 10/1/2015 1:21:49 AM   
angelikaJ


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Status: offline 		I am wondering if it's easier when he tells you cum because in a way then it gives you some permission and/or freedom you don't have access to within yourself?

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RE: Need to understand - 10/1/2015 8:12:43 PM   
onelasttime82007


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Joined: 1/19/2013
Status: offline 		angelika,

I had thought about that, but if that were the case, wouldn't that have been the case from the beginning? Wouldn't this have worked when others down through the years used the words?

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RE: Need to understand - 10/1/2015 9:14:45 PM   
angelikaJ


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Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Not necessarily, orgasms are tricky things, and something was different with this partner.
Your orgasmed the first time with him and that had not happened before.



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The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

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30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

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RE: Need to understand - 10/2/2015 11:43:39 PM   
onelasttime82007


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Joined: 1/19/2013
Status: offline 		That is definitely true. Something to think about....

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RE: Need to understand - 10/6/2015 1:21:06 PM   
AimeKitten


Posts: 4
Joined: 10/1/2015
Status: offline 		I can relate so hard to this. I still, haven't had a partner be able to help me get to orgasm during sex, (intercourse, foreplay, etc).
But I must agree with the other's that have responded. Orgasms are a huge portion mental, and if you're worried about it not happening, it may not at all.
It sounds like you really relax and trust this partner, which I hope means when you tell him this, he'll be accepting and understanding.
Hope it goes well!

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RE: Need to understand - 10/9/2015 11:21:58 PM   
onelasttime82007


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Joined: 1/19/2013
Status: offline 		Thanks Aime. He has been very understanding. We are currently working on the issue.

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