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When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 2:57:28 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm having some difficulty dealing with some friends who changed.

The first is a local woman who I've known for a few years. I knew her as a sub and topped her a couple of times. She's now a Domme, but I have a hard time accepting her as such due to my previous image of her.

The second is someone who I know and respect from online. I flirted with her and kidded her around. She/he transitioned FtM, but I still think of him as female.

Question - when someone you know changes, how do you overcome your outdated images of them?

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 3:09:08 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm having some difficulty dealing with some friends who changed.

The first is a local woman who I've known for a few years. I knew her as a sub and topped her a couple of times. She's now a Domme, but I have a hard time accepting her as such due to my previous image of her.

The second is someone who I know and respect from online. I flirted with her and kidded her around. She/he transitioned FtM, but I still think of him as female.

Question - when someone you know changes, how do you overcome your outdated images of them?

I've been there a couple of times. I found what helped me was
a) spending time with the person, in new contexts, which helped override old impressions. The more I did that, the more the 'new' them rose to the forefront of my mind.
b) a lot of online messaging, where I could react to what the person was putting out right then, without actually facing them. That bit of distance helped me to put my old images aside easier and explore who this new person was. In some ways it was like first meeting someone, and getting to know them.

Worked for me anyway. They are people that I count myself as blessed to know, before and after their transitions, so I am glad that I made the effort.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 3:21:27 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		fr

When push comes to shove we are all Tellurians under the skin. What's between the legs isn't as important to me as what's between the ears and ones orientation is unimportant from my very switchy perspective.

Character counts so I am a humans first and foremost sort. Their character appealed to you or they wouldn't be friends, right? Be of good character, assume they are as well (benefit of the doubt and all that) and just be people with them and allow them to just be people with you.



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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 3:26:12 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Well, you've changed. You want people to acknowledge the growth you've encountered, don't you?

Two of my former s-types are D-types now, with s-types of their own. If I always thought of them as s-types, I'd just be resisting their natural progression. Yeah, both of them still call me the big "M" word, and I still see them from time to time as 'mine'. These are great memories but it's not where they are today. Do you want people to move forward or do you want to hold them back?

I admit to being hideous when folks transition genders. I have to make a conscious effort when it comes to names, pronouns, and the whole thing. I met this person named XXXXX and now they are xxxxx. I don't think it's terribly easy or automatic. I mean, what if I came to the conclusion tomorrow that I wasn't LP anymore? People would still mess up and call me LP from time to time because that's who they know me as they did before.

quote:

Question - when someone you know changes, how do you overcome your outdated images of them?

Time.



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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 3:30:29 PM   
J0K3ER


Posts: 211
Joined: 10/9/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm having some difficulty dealing with some friends who changed.

The first is a local woman who I've known for a few years. I knew her as a sub and topped her a couple of times. She's now a Domme, but I have a hard time accepting her as such due to my previous image of her.

The second is someone who I know and respect from online. I flirted with her and kidded her around. She/he transitioned FtM, but I still think of him as female.

Question - when someone you know changes, how do you overcome your outdated images of them?

What I see is that the principle of inertia is working pretty good on you.
In both examples you gave, I see that you are having difficulties accepting your friends' " right to decide". But in light of the NEW change in the intial relationship with your friend ( sxample1) and depending on the nature of that sepecific relationship, and whether or not you wanna continue in that relationship under the new conditions, compromise may be wise approach.




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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 3:46:06 PM   
J0K3ER


Posts: 211
Joined: 10/9/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

fr

When push comes to shove we are all Tellurians under the skin. What's between the legs isn't as important to me as what's between the ears and ones orientation is unimportant from my very switchy perspective.

Character counts so I am a humans first and foremost sort. Their character appealed to you or they wouldn't be friends, right? Be of good character, assume they are as well (benefit of the doubt and all that) and just be people with them and allow them to just be people with you.



What you mean by "Tellurians under the skin"?. we are Tellurians period. Under the skin or not. As a " not native english speaker" Listening to you guys talk this way is gonna confuse the hell out of me.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 3:46:29 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm having some difficulty dealing with some friends who changed.

The first is a local woman who I've known for a few years. I knew her as a sub and topped her a couple of times. She's now a Domme, but I have a hard time accepting her as such due to my previous image of her.

The second is someone who I know and respect from online. I flirted with her and kidded her around. She/he transitioned FtM, but I still think of him as female.

Question - when someone you know changes, how do you overcome your outdated images of them?



Wouldn't you be thinking good luck to your friends instead of resenting their moving on?

I suppose it could quite possibly be the case that you're a conservative type and simply do not like change, but there's nothing of any note here to write home about. They've simply decided they fancy a change. That's life.




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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 3:53:16 PM   
J0K3ER


Posts: 211
Joined: 10/9/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm having some difficulty dealing with some friends who changed.

The first is a local woman who I've known for a few years. I knew her as a sub and topped her a couple of times. She's now a Domme, but I have a hard time accepting her as such due to my previous image of her.

The second is someone who I know and respect from online. I flirted with her and kidded her around. She/he transitioned FtM, but I still think of him as female.

Question - when someone you know changes, how do you overcome your outdated images of them?



Wouldn't you be thinking good luck to your friends instead of resenting their moving on?

I suppose it could quite possibly be the case that you're a conservative type and simply do not like change, but there's nothing of any note here to write home about. They've simply decided they fancy a change. That's life.




Exactly, that was my point . Some people are scared of change to death, including my self. Fortunately enough when even a drastic change occurs, the panic is only temporary.


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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 5:10:26 PM   
littleclip


Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline 		change comes to all of us like it or not some change is for the better and others who refuse to change are themselves changing just in a negative fashion
some who are gender disphoric change the outward identy that is no harder for me than when someone gets married and changes their name.
there are those who have mental disorders like add and bipolar who refuse to get treatment and think they deal with it ok they change as well


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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 6:30:01 PM   
J0K3ER


Posts: 211
Joined: 10/9/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleclip

change comes to all of us like it or not some change is for the better and others who refuse to change are themselves changing just in a negative fashion
some who are gender disphoric change the outward identy that is no harder for me than when someone gets married and changes their name.
there are those who have mental disorders like add and bipolar who refuse to get treatment and think they deal with it ok they change as well


sure. change comes to all of us. and we have to accept it willy nilly. but it is the give up of the amount of security we build up in one state of being that scares us, even if the change is for the best. you cannot feel comfortable in the new situation until you surround your self with an adequate amount of security. change is always accompanied with uncertainty and that strange feeling that is similar to withdrawal symptoms. huh, i certainly have nothing to say about gender Dysphoria which seems to me can make an excellent thread for discussion. LMAO.

< Message edited by J0K3ER -- 10/17/2015 6:31:22 PM >

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 7:34:12 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
...we are all Tellurians...

Am I the only one who needed to look up what it means to be a "Tellurian"?
quote:


From the Greek Tellus, meaning Earth. It's the one word that describes us all as one.
The Alien asked - "What are you"? He said "I'm a Tellurian, an Earth Dweller."


At least now I know what I am! :)



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RE: When someone changes. - 10/17/2015 7:59:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In such a case, I don't think my concern was that they had changed and I resented it, but that I would fear screwing up in conversation.

It's natural to think of people as they were when we met them, including thinking of them as the same age they were then.

Plus, any change is at the same time a loss, which needs mourning. We mourn the loss of the caterpillar even as we celebrate the birth of the butterfly. To hold contradictory emotions at once is as good an example of being human as anything else.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/18/2015 8:30:31 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		It doesn't happen to me often, but those few times I had trouble adjusting to a big change within a friend I had to realize it was my hang up. Something within me was resisting, it wasn't really about them or their choices but my reaction. So I analyze why I am reacting a certain way which leads me to understanding and acceptance.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/18/2015 8:40:51 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		I don't think people really do change, not fundamentally. As we age we just become more ourselves, as though the mask wears thin. So under that premise, your friends didn't change; you just had an inaccurate sense of them. Now their reality is coming up against your view of them, so there is some "abrasion". If it were me, and I still liked the other person, I'd just regard this as an unfolding.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/18/2015 9:21:52 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm having some difficulty dealing with some friends who changed.

The first is a local woman who I've known for a few years. I knew her as a sub and topped her a couple of times. She's now a Domme, but I have a hard time accepting her as such due to my previous image of her.

The second is someone who I know and respect from online. I flirted with her and kidded her around. She/he transitioned FtM, but I still think of him as female.

Question - when someone you know changes, how do you overcome your outdated images of them?



If I have trouble overcoming my"outdated image"of someone, it probably means they weren't a significant part of my life and I wasn't involved with them as they were changing. Or maybe I don't like them in their new incarnation -- which is OK. Friendships and acquiantanceships and relationships ebb and flow and sometimes end. So it's really just a matter of being respectful of the person.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/18/2015 9:34:48 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I have to disagree with the concept that people don't change.

I know since my health issues I changed and my entire perspective on life changed as well. Its interesting how small things that used to seem huge are tiny when faced with serious problems.

I also, thankfully discovered who changed towards me. That enabled me to discard negative and unsupportive people from my life.

I actually admire my changes. They showed me just how strong I really am and just who my real friends are.

If someone has an issue with me changing, that is their problem.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/18/2015 11:06:30 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I've never really experienced anyone who drastically changed in my life, except for my childhood best girlfriend. She was at first dating men, got engaged twice with men, didn't work out to marriage, and then she became lesbian, moved in with her butch-significant other. Lived together, supposingly super happy for 4 years. Her S/O really treated her like a princess, better than any men ever treated her. But she was ostracized by her church, she was a super religious christian, and her family for turning lesbian. Then it was like so quick, she cheated on her female S/O with a man, married him within less than a year and had a baby with him the following year, and is now back to girly girly. Anyway, I suspect peer pressure made her go back to seeking a man. After that, she was welcome back with open arms by her family and church, for being "normal" again, and she was happy.

Oh well, but what didn't change throughout it all was her personality and character. She seem like the exact same person to me. So I didn't really have a hard time dealing with it. Like she went through weird phrasing, first girly girly, then went super butch like, you know short hair, dressing like a man, then back to girly girly. But the personality and character was exactly the same, only outer appearances changed.

The very strange things is, I meet up with most of my primary school friends I knew since 10 yr old, and they are still the same people, personality and character. It's like meeting an adult version of them as kids. Same personality and character with a more adult physical appearance. And we are all kinda like that.

I'm thinking even my childhood best buddy from 5 yr old is exactly the same person he was since the day I know him. Very consistent. This was a buddy I hang out with every day from 5 yr old to 12 yr old. Now in his mid 30's, a dad, happily married, same old guy. No changes at all.



< Message edited by Greta75 -- 10/18/2015 11:11:56 PM >

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/18/2015 11:44:59 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
I don't think people really do change, not fundamentally. As we age we just become more ourselves


I don't think people change, but, with wisdom and experience, some seem to get more UNDERSTANDING while others seem to get more RIGID in their thoughts.

I don't know if it's related to MB, but, if, for example, being "Judgmental" is one end of a spectrum while being "Perceptive" is the other, it's almost as if the judgmental types become more RIGID in their attitudes with experience, while the perceptives become more liberal with knowledge.

I's just a hunch e ... with no known basis in fact ... but I'll be working on it so expect a thesis in a few years...

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/19/2015 10:12:40 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline 		People do change... and you cope with that only by making a conscious effort to accept them. It can be difficult at first to overcome your previous understanding of them, but with effort it can be done... just like you do when you meet someone new.

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RE: When someone changes. - 10/19/2015 3:12:54 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
People do change...


My hypothesis (which has absolutely no basis in fact, yet), is that they only morph in the direction they were going already.
But, if you can teach an old dog new tricks, I'll be open for proof, as I never had an old dog I needed to change.

Have you seen someone older than, oh, say, 55, change more so than just in a direction they were already going?

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