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Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 2:13:16 PM

TruePet

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/28/2004
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Please forgive me if this has been addressed recently.

I am nervous about the fact that I have served both Master and Mistress (not during the same time frame) in my life thus far. Both enriching, educational and meaningful experiences.

I have been free for some time and have met some dominants that I felt attracted to, and who in many ways "clicked" with me. However I hesitate getting to know them better because in some cases they lack the experience that I have.

I know that experience level can be an important issue, and I wonder is it possible to have a secure D/s relationship when the balance of experience lies with the sub rather than the Master?

I would hate to find the man of my dreams, only to later find out that he begrudges me my experience, or is insecure and thinks I am always comparing him to others in my life. While I certainly don't think that a new or just learning dominant would be a good match, I do not want to disregard those who may have the willingness to learn and the intense desire of a good dominant.

This is a pitfall I hope to avoid. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 3:03:56 PM

INSIDEYOURMIND

Posts: 483
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Welcome to Collarme!

The right Dominant for you is exactly that, the one that fills your need.

Do not be afraid to get involved with a Dom of less experience than yourself if you feel he has the potential to be a good Dom for you.

There are many things in our life that we are not sure we like until we try it, or experience it. I mean who would have thought you could get pleasure from jumping out of airplanes, but people do it every day, and love it! There is no way I am jumping out of a perfectly good airplane!

This lifestyle is based around doing things a certain way, and I am not talking about rules, or labels, but in the freedom of choice. Do what makes your feel good, and maybe you can show them some of the ropes along the way.

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 3:25:19 PM

MrThorns

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
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I understand your predicament, as I have been in a very similiar situation...although I was the dominant with little experience and my slave (whom I am still with after 4 wondermous years) was the one with the experience.

I obviously don't have any issues in owning a slave that has more experience than I, however the biggest pitfall I have seen to this particular dynamic is when the submissive tries to train or mentor their dominant. Perhaps assisting him or her in finding a mentor would be more effective. Being supportive, providing ideas for where your dominant can find the information they need, attending munches or other local BDSM events where your dominant can network with others to learn the skills and philosophies necessary.

~Good luck,

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to TruePet)

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 5:37:36 PM

TruePet

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Thank you for your good advice.

I hope I wasn't misunderstood about my concern. Maybe I wasn't clear. I would never try to "train" a dominant. First of all it's against my nature to do so and I would not be comfortable with it. Secondly it would be very insensitive and tactless to do so.

My concern was how to deal with any insecurity issues that might arise on his part.
Also, how do I safeguard against the possibility that he might (none of us are perfect) fib about his level of experience when considering play that might potentially be dangerous without the right finess?

I know trust is the key, but in this case even the slightest bending of the truth could result in one of us being injured. More than likely it would be me.

How do I question the experience issue without making it sound like a challenge, or as if I were attempting to make comparisons?

I think the advice about mentoring and networking is terrific. I will absolutely keep this in mind and appreciate the thoughtful responses.

Thanks again.

(in reply to MrThorns)

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 7:02:27 PM

Lordandmaster

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Interesting question. It's hard for me to imagine the situation, because I've never had a slave or even a sub with more experience. (My first sub was a first-timer herself, and we made a lot of fuck-ups, but we enjoyed it.)

I certainly could see why an experienced sub would want to avoid a neophyte dom, but eventually, unless you die young, a sub is going to run into a compatible sexual partner who just happens to have less experience. A dom in that situation, if he's worth his salt, will know to make you submit anyway, and may even be able to use your experience to his advantage. So maybe you shouldn't use experience as your ONLY criterion. It he's experienced enough to make you tick, that's all that really matters.

Lam

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 10:22:34 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
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I think that the differences in experience would make a difference. Especially if it was a big difference. Most BDSM isn't rocket science, but I would imagine that a sub would have a hard time submitting to someone that she felt that she had to teach.

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 10:42:05 PM

CloudThrasher

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Joined: 7/31/2004
From: NW Washington
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Experience shouldn't be much of a consideration. I feel integrity, desire, and commitment are far more important. How does one one teach another to be dominant or submissive? One doesn't. We are who we are and striving to be something we are not is unfulfilling. Also, many tend to forget that at the beginning of any relationship there must be a learning period for both. It takes time to learn about each other. If we're lucky, this is something that continues throughout the relationship.

_____________________________

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding. Even as
the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must
you know pain." -- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/29/2004 10:49:14 PM

Estring

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I think we are dealing with the practical here, not the spiritual. I don't think any sub wants their arms pulled out of their sockets by an inexperienced Dom who tries suspension.

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/30/2004 1:30:16 AM

EStrict

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Joined: 1/11/2004
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Wow, I think this is the one of the first times I have ever disagreed with EString. Honestly Sir, *to me* experience and desire are not the same thing.

I have played with dominants with more and less experience than myself in every aspect from bondge, to floggings to plain old sex. Honestly, Master was way on the *less experienced* aspect. He was more experienced in bondage, but had never touched a flogger, or fisted someone to name a few. The fisting was easy,, it's something my body screams for, and he did listen fully when I said to slow, or go more the first couple of times,, and now,, well,,, mmmmmm....

As far as the floggings go,,, I bought him a good flogger, *discussed* things I learned when learning how to wield a flogger, but, got him a local mentor to help him practice on a willing body (mine) during a public party....

Should he do something (like a wrap around) even today, he would expect me to say it and know I wouldn't I hold it against him.... though honestly, HE has never done it to me, has just heard me mention things like it.

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Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/30/2004 2:02:00 PM

TruePet

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Estring - thank you for validating my concerns. Not only do I not want to be physically hurt albeit unintentionally by a less experienced dom. But my main concern is that I will be emotionally hurt if the dom experiences insecurity because of my experience.

May I give an example. The dom who wishes to know of my past experiences, and then either is appalled or jealous by things I've seen or done. Or the dom who says he is glad I have experience, but at times hints that he is afraid to try something new to him for fear I will compare him.

Most hurtful of all. The dom who demands to know my past - details and all, and then becomes upset with me for having such experiences, or tries to replicate them as a way of getting back at me, or as a way of besting my previous master/mistress.

Again, thanks for the replies. I guess it's too complex a topic. I just wondered if anyone had any experiences similar to this, and how they got through it...or avoided it.

Thanks again.

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/30/2004 2:13:43 PM

Nvernilla

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Welcome to CM! Personally I'd say here that you should hold out for someone of at least the same amount of experience as you...you want to go forward not backwards right?...Mike

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RE: Balance of Experience... - 11/30/2004 2:22:28 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

May I give an example. The dom who wishes to know of my past experiences, and then either is appalled or jealous by things I've seen or done. Or the dom who says he is glad I have experience, but at times hints that he is afraid to try something new to him for fear I will compare him.

TruePet,
With the little you've disclosed of yourself in your profile and in the through process of this question I would think that any Dom you identify as your "One" will have the necessary self confidence to make this a non-issue. It's an easy thing to evaluate. Ask the perspective, what he doesn't know, or what he is NOT good at.

Always remember the discovery process is reciprocal. Regardless of a person's experience there will be things he doesn't know or lacks skills or lacks experience. I couldn't tie a knot with a boyscout standing behind me talking me through the process, but there are ways around that lack of ability. And I always felt clips and cuffs are just as effective. But if "Japanese Rope Bondage" was one of beth's favorite fantasies I wouldn't think of hiding that from her when we met.

I believe without confidence you are very ineffective as a Dom. And the best display of confidence is letting your partner know what you don't know. And if you have more skills or experience and can open new avenues for the both of you to explore all the better. A confident Dom, even with ZERO experience and only a desire and dominant personality, will see this as exciting.

I wouldn't put a single-tail in his hand and be at the business end of his first swing, but that's were mentor Doms and mentor lifestyle couples can really be helpful.

(in reply to TruePet)

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