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Doms with anxiety - 11/1/2015 8:08:01 AM   
Sekkusudream5


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/31/2015
Status: offline 		From your perspective, Can a Dom be a good even Great Dom if they have social anxiety, and have an extremely difficult time showing affection in public? And by social anxiety I mean they have a hard time talking to people they haven't know for a decent span of time, the thought of giving a big presentation frightens them, they panic when strange people touch them without any form of consent, but once they are in a decent relationship they seem like the most confident person you will ever meet. Thank you to all who have taken time out of your day to answer this question.

< Message edited by Sekkusudream5 -- 11/1/2015 8:09:08 AM >
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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/1/2015 9:02:06 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline 		Sure, why not?

(in reply to Sekkusudream5)
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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/1/2015 9:58:53 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		The reality is that ANY relationship that you have is going to impacted by that anxiety. It doesn't matter whether it's a power dynamic or not. Yes, you could be a good Dom within your relationship, but the anxiety means that you could be less than an ideal partner. While you're the person with anxiety, that means that she has to deal with it too. (And let's face it....she's most likely going to have friends and family)


If you're not already, I would highly recommend seeking professional help for your situation. Put together a plan to deal with situations that will arise. Make sure that your partner also speaks to your therapist, so that she understands what helps and what doesn't.





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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/1/2015 10:52:20 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I agree with Oside.

I have a best friend with social anixiety disorder (she's also a manic depressive)
Not only is she now in a healthy awesome marriage- she is also working towards teaching a class. But all under professional supervision.

Truly a psychologist is the way to go here.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/1/2015 2:38:30 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Medication to lift the symptoms, therapy - cognitive behavior - to teach coping skills.
Because you are going to be impacted by this the rest of your life.

Beyond that, if you can't talk to new people, how do you propose to get her to commit to you. You have to date first and your anxiety is so severe that I can't imagine any date going over well.

If you marry and have kids, you won't agree to go to a parent teacher conference because that involves talking to new people.
Hell, you wouldn't even go with her to her sister's wedding, because lots of strangers there.

I can't imagine you getting to that point. Moreover, if you're hoping to be someone who can help her achieve her dreams and do the hard work to get there, then you need to model that.

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/1/2015 9:43:19 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		As the others said, seek treatment to manage your anxiety. It is manageable.

As anxiety clouds your brain and makes you unable to think rationally and clearly. Those aren't good dominant traits.

You have to be the one leading and making the decisions, so this is something you have to improve upon, no matter what.


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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/2/2015 1:41:56 AM   
TheWriter13


Posts: 77
Joined: 6/29/2012
Status: offline 		I'm not very good with women because I'm not very social that being said why not?

< Message edited by TheWriter13 -- 11/2/2015 1:42:55 AM >

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/2/2015 2:11:35 AM   
Kreychec


Posts: 50
Joined: 10/30/2015
Status: offline 		Most people wont take you seriously nor consider you dominant if you have mousey social skills.

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/2/2015 8:02:50 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Dominance is a part of a relationship between two people (more if poly). How you relate to your partner(s) determines if you're a Dom or not.

How you relate to the world at large is irrelevant. You're not in a relationship with the world.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/2/2015 9:17:06 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

How you relate to the world at large is irrelevant.


But, it's not irrelevant. The only way it would be irrelevant would be if they never left the house.

But, in a relationship, you are expected to meet, greet and interact with the friends and family of your S/O. When those interactions go badly, it stresses the relationship. Social anxiety also means that normal dating activities are difficult as well, which could stress the relationship.

It's absolutely possible to have a happy and healthy relationship, but you have to into it prepared for stress points.





_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/2/2015 10:39:59 AM   
petitespot


Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sekkusudream5

From your perspective, Can a Dom be a good even Great Dom if they have social anxiety, and have an extremely difficult time showing affection in public? And by social anxiety I mean they have a hard time talking to people they haven't know for a decent span of time, the thought of giving a big presentation frightens them, they panic when strange people touch them without any form of consent, but once they are in a decent relationship they seem like the most confident person you will ever meet. Thank you to all who have taken time out of your day to answer this question.


No. I expect him to take the lead.

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/2/2015 11:03:28 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


How you relate to the world at large is irrelevant. You're not in a relationship with the world.

The problem is, he will have to relate to the world first, to find his submissive, before he can go back and be a recluse in his comfort zone if that is what he prefers.

I mean, it's gonna be pretty hard to impress a sub if one is seen as completely shaken and uncomfortable with himself around others. And he would be uncomfortable around her during first few meetings, which will make her uncomfortable with him.

I have social anxiety, but this is due to too many years as a toddler even, remember how my mom would always ridicule me infront of others, and laugh at me in a nasty way derogatory to me, and she just always since I was a kid, derive joy from either bullying me or putting me down and intentionally humiliate me infront of others.

But I recognize that in life, if you want to function, and continue to meet good people, you gotta step up and fix this problem. My anxiety growing up was so strong, that I can't even say hi to strangers. Forcing me to greet strangers or people I met for the first time, would send me into crying fits and tears and hiding behind my parents legs in fear, which looking back, was crazily bad. I never met a kid like me, now that I am an adult, who would react like I did. Even if they were shy, they would simply ignore you and not reply you when you say hi to them. They wouldn't get scared and burst into tears and wanting to hide.

So to OP, whatever is causing your anxiety, it can be fixed. It will never go away but you can get stronger at managing it with coping skills. You just need to get professional help. If I can manage it, you can manage it. And you should to be the best dominant possible for your future significant other.


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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/3/2015 12:06:08 PM   
sweetieDA


Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline 		No, I don't think so. For me, dominant means socially dominant.

(in reply to Sekkusudream5)
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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/3/2015 6:09:51 PM   
DannyIsNotWelcom


Posts: 177
Joined: 8/7/2015
Status: offline 		Bla bla dom bla bla sub! You feel like looking someone in the eye and say: get me some ice cream. And then you actually do it and the other one runs to off to get it and when he comes back you know it wasn't the ice cream that you wanted. It's just between you and him now. Don't make a guy kneel in front of his buddies. Let him know that you could. And always remember: if he doesn't feel worthy of you that's your fault, if he fouls up it's your business to teach him better. No societal conventions required.


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RE: Doms with anxiety - 11/14/2015 9:30:05 AM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		I have chronic fatigue syndrome myalgic encephalomyelitis..the list of symptoms are too many to mention. I have always been INTJ too. A formidable combination. I was, am no fan, pubs clubs busy places etc or these days anywhere outside my cat infested hovel in haggis land.

People with conditions, even after the see a doctor etc do not necessary get better an iota.

Yes, all people have the potential to be good people or slightly better people than they once were – the issue becomes a little more convoluted when one has an illness of the head and my generic answer is not wholly accurate. Illness of the head is a generic term I oft use. Let me be crystal clear, with clarity, these are normal people and part of the spectrum of life.

As for head pills there is no proof they work 56% say ye and 46% placebos say ye. If they work for someone they should take them, if not then they should not....albeit hard explaining that to a Dr or those that are better so decide to stop taking their meds etc


slipper-note - some people find it difficult to let another in.

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 1/29/2016 2:29:26 PM   
Mastersmija


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/11/2014
Status: offline 		If a person is not stable, can not think clearly and make solid decisions, I would not view them as very much in control of their own life and therefore would not allow them to be in control of mine.

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 1/29/2016 2:32:58 PM   
Cinnamongirl67


Posts: 854
Status: offline 		Of course they can.

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RE: Doms with anxiety - 1/29/2016 5:41:45 PM   
Cell


Posts: 409
Status: offline 		I can remember this (almost exact) question being brought up a few times in the past so if you don't get too many responses, you could try doing a search of past topics.

As for the question... Hmmm, I would say it depends on what kind of relationship you want. I know it can be hard sometimes but I'd advise trying not to care what other people might think about your potential partner. They aren't having a relationship with the person... asking yourself if it works for you is the main thing, I would probably caution letting other people dictate what is an acceptable dom for you, before I were to caution about a dom having social anxiety. That being said, if having a partner that's socially comfortable and outgoing is important to you then perhaps he can't be a good dom for you. Not all introverts are socially anxious, just as not all people with social anxiety are introverts... you can never really be sure exactly what is going on in someone's head and someone might seem anxious but be far from it. I'm thinking of a specific instance in my own life in this case. Someone called me anxious once because I kept looking up from what I was doing and looking around... I can see how it might have appeared like an anxious behaviour, but the truth was I was just bored and I suppose searching for anything interesting to keep my brain alive lol. That's not to say I haven't been anxious in public setting either, but I doubt the times when I've been anxious or worried about something, that anyone would be have been able to tell.

I think the only majorly relevant question is, 'what makes a good dom for you?" The rest is probably not too useful because I don't think there's really a universally accepted criteria for a dom. I mean having an overtly domineering personality could even indicate insecurities in some cases! Who really knows... I actually don't think social anxiety would be a deal breaker for me thinking of someone as a dom... after all just look at a wild lion, put it in a cage surrounded by people and it's going to be shitting it's pants, because it's out of it's element. Someone with social anxiety can be equally 'out of their element' in public, but in a more private setting they might very well be king of the jungle. Only one way to find out! Go get um tiger ^_~


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RE: Doms with anxiety - 1/29/2016 7:26:37 PM   
Cell


Posts: 409
Status: offline 		Its* I meant...

(in reply to Cell)
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RE: Doms with anxiety - 1/30/2016 11:35:38 PM   
princessmika


Posts: 50
Joined: 12/10/2012
From: USA
Status: offline 		Completely agree with Cell's post above me. At the end of the day, we're all people with our own strengths and weaknesses. As we look for our own SO's, these strengths and weaknesses are considered to see if it is a match for you. The best way is to get out there and try things out to see how it works :) Best of luck!

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(in reply to Cell)
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