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TheCabal -> RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations (11/6/2015 4:13:55 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Verbivore
I have dated men from all over the spectrum and yes, pretty much all of them were very boring or selfish lovers. Women weren't always better, though the problems there were the "pillow princesses" who were basically the definition of sexually selfish. Sometimes (with the guys) I felt it was kind of intentional, in a "well I'm satisfied with the sex and if you're not then you're just frigid" sort of way, other times they have tried but are battling their own hormones and conditioning. For a long time I thought it would be easier to get my needs met as a dominant and it's turned out to be patently untrue. I'm still battling the same issues that I had with the one Dom I tried dating as well as all the vanilla guys. The current bf isn't a sub (he's more a vanilla bottom, but there's no option for that selection) but I have dated many subby men over the past 6ish years and the same problems crop up 1) sex (including foreplay) lasts a couple hours to begin with, getting shorter and shorter as time goes on, no matter my protests, requests or even demands 2) any touching of me at all leads to the guy getting turned on and wanting sex, so I just stop wanting to be touched 3) communication inside the bedroom fizzles, as I'm very soft spoken and am never heard in the heat of the moment unless I'm basically yelling (and it turns out even the self proclaimed submissive men don't actually like being forcefully told what to do in bed).
I'm sure some people will think I just need to get more dominant and demand what I want/need, but I can promise you I've tried that, with every relationship or sexual partner I've had over the past decade and it's only worked for me once. Despite all the protestations I've heard to the contrary, very few men in this world are really ready and willing to actually listen to what I'm saying and then do the work to make changes in their behaviour. I've tried punishments, rewards, bargaining, compromising, conversation, non-verbal cues, writing letters, pointing out bits of erotica or porn I find enticing, etc. I'm pretty much just at the point where I feel my only option is to simply tie my partner down every time, do whatever I want to them at my own pace and then use them like a sex toy when I'm ready for it. But at least that's not a terrible option [:D]
I'm sort of curious... if you don't mind my asking - I understand in some ways this is more cerebral for you, and in other ways, you're looking for some very specific physical things. But I'm not quite sure how society's rules play into this for you.
If I've read correctly, you're sort of uncomfortable taking the dominant role in bed; but you're uncomfortable with that role because you don't feel it's what society would have you be, rather than who you need to be.
There are quite a few ways to de-couple yourself from society's expectations. The simplest one is to simply decide for yourself not to accept those rules. It does take a LOT of mental work on your own part - 'peer pressure' is always a nasty bitch - but it's probably the best way if you can pull it off.
If you want to go down the rabbit hole though... I lost my former partner to cancer a little over a year ago. She suffered from several medical conditions that made it difficult for her to leave my home.... so, she just didn't. It wasn't something I forced on her, she just didn't want to. Several years of that had her separated from society in some... er... unusual ways.
I can't say I recommend going the route of finding someone who will completely support you and separate you from the vanilla world until you don't feel like you have any outside pressure to conform, but I think that's as close as one can get to completely 'deprogramming from societal expectations.'
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