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A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 12:47:06 AM   
feistydreams


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/17/2006
Status: offline 		Within the last few months I've discovered I'm a submissive and am still exploring the extent to which I am.  I do like being able to think freely, but at the same time, I would like to be controlled more than I am.  My boyfriend is not a Dom at heart, and I love him dearly so I'll cope with this regardless, but any opinions on how to make it easier would help and be appreciated. He does like to control me in bed, that's not really an issue... it's outside of the bedroom when he doesn't do it.  He only does it when it suits his mood or when he wants to cause me some humiliation.  Humiliation I don't mind so much as long as it's not excessive and he knows I have my limits... I just don't quite understand why he only does it on rare occassions. And while I would rather enjoy being "shown off" he feels uncomfortable with it.  He doesn't even let me wear cat collars I'd bought for myself (for the extreme priority of the cute) years before he came into my life out in public, because he doesn't want people to know or to guess.  I can sort of understand this, as he's working for a corporation now and people finding out something of this nature would be dentrimental to his career. I honestly don't even know quite exactly what I'm looking for or asking here.  I guess something along the lines of someone with possibly a similar experience, someone who might know a way for He and I to compromise, or someone to tell me I'm just being a whiny brat and to shut up. ~Michelle
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 12:51:29 AM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline 		maybe talk about this with him and give ideas to him of ways you'd like to be controlled outside of the bedroom? outside of talking to him openly about it, there's also just behaving submissively and seeing what follows...always defering to him, asking him permission, etc. and seeing how he reacts. on top of that, there's going out of your way to do things for him that you wouldn't normally do otherwise. those are just a few ideas to try and get you in a more submissive mindset with regards to him when he's not really comfortable being dominant all the time.

good luck! this is a difficult situation and i've dealt with it in the past and am in some ways dealing with it now. sometimes change can be a slow process. but i hope things work out well for you.


_____________________________

i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to feistydreams)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 1:27:14 AM   
bbwsubinma


Posts: 6
Joined: 7/16/2006
Status: offline 		I can understand about the cat collars, but what if you suggest a very vanilla-looking alternative?  Say a piece of jewelry that would serve the same purpose, but would not be questioned by anyone outside of the lifestyle - a choker-style would work perfectly.  Get a catalog from a local jewelry store to show your guy or take him window shopping and point out what you have in mind.  It doesn't have to be leather to be a collar!

(in reply to feistydreams)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 2:00:46 AM   
fullofgrace


Posts: 395
Joined: 3/24/2006
From: fl, usa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bbwsubinma

I can understand about the cat collars, but what if you suggest a very vanilla-looking alternative?  Say a piece of jewelry that would serve the same purpose, but would not be questioned by anyone outside of the lifestyle - a choker-style would work perfectly.  Get a catalog from a local jewelry store to show your guy or take him window shopping and point out what you have in mind.  It doesn't have to be leather to be a collar!


amen to this as well! :) my "public collar" is a silver chainmail anklet. :) with my previous dom, it was a simple black velvet choker. i've never had anyone comment on the anklet, and only a few people who were familiar with bdsm already commented on the choker.


_____________________________

i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to bbwsubinma)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 2:04:15 AM   
DarkSideOfThMoon


Posts: 117
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		I get my collar tomorrow! Is a plain wilver band, which fastens at the front where two silver balls cross over. Looks like a collar if you know the scene. Pretty alternative jewellary if you do not... x

(in reply to fullofgrace)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 2:32:18 AM   
weenieroast


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/1/2006
Status: offline 		Consider a celtic "Torque" it is a collar but, with Old world connotations,,,

(in reply to DarkSideOfThMoon)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 3:47:26 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Go shopping together and find something you can both agree upon.  It's not how the collar looks (or if it's even a collar)...it's what it means to both of you.

(in reply to weenieroast)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 5:52:33 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I'm afraid these are the key words in your whole post.  Unfortunately, if you need to be with someone who is a dom at heart, and he is not a dom at heart, you are not going to be completely fulfilled with him.

If you truly love him, as you say, that only makes things MORE difficult, not less difficult.

quote:

ORIGINAL: feistydreams

My boyfriend is not a Dom at heart

(in reply to feistydreams)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 6:24:44 AM   
hisforever


Posts: 81
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline 		I have been in this situation, only worse.  The man I was to marry, did control me in bed, only because I liked it.  NEVER outside the bedroom like I really wanted.  It turned out he wanted to be a sub.  I could never have been happy with him, and we both knew it, I ended the relationship, I can't be a domme.  Anyway, maybe get him some books on the subject, act submissive around him, as the others have said, and find an everyday collar that doesnt appear bdsm unless your in the scene!

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 7:48:02 AM   
wizofos


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/6/2006
Status: offline 		Michelle,
It seems to me that your problem is not what kind of collar you wear or where, but that he does not want to take control of you. Taking control of a submissive is a lot of responsibility if it is done right. AND, it depends on if the dominant wants that kind of responsibility and is willing to accept it.
I see many ads on here and alt.com and other venues where a sub says that they are always 'on' 24/7, well that assumes that the one that collars them is also 'on' 24/7.
Any D/s relationship is 2 way, it is a contract whether formal or just a verbal or non-verbal agreement in the end all parties have to be in agreement as to what is expected.
So I suggest some research and deep thought on your part to determine if this is exactly what you need, not want, but need and then some serious conversations to determine if he is interested in accepting that level of responsiblity that takes it beyond the bedroom.

That is my story and I am sticking to it.

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 9:39:01 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Reposted:
One thing, other than the obvious talk about this with him, is to focus more on "what can I do with this energy to make his life easier?"  It's easy to get into the pattern to sit around like an eager puppy just ready to leap for the next scene or order to be given- but try getting into a pattern of being busy and actively seeking ways to do things together.

I'd suggest these threads:
http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=411305&mpage=1&key=eager%2Cpuppy&#411339
Not much of a dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_321594/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#321737
Master doesn't want to play

http://www.collarchat.com/m_269547/mpage_1/key_eager%252Cpuppy/tm.htm#269558
He's a switch, I'm a sub, help!

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to feistydreams)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 11:27:34 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Michelle,

Unlike many I think that being dominant can in many ways be taught.  You "discovered" you were submissive and you chose this man, perhaps because there is dominance there that he has yet to discover.

For me, there were several hurdles I had to overcome to get to the lofty place I now reside in. 
  • I had to overcome my fear of being a "control freak" despite being a dedicated control freak
  • I had to learn that if a woman begged well enough, slapping her face and leaving bruises was okay
  • I was taught to be a gentleman and there are many elements of being domly that are distinctly UNgentlemanly

I cannot stress enough the importance of helping him see and deal with these issues.  There are two fabulous books that cover this quite well and that is The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book.  You can get them from Amazon or almost any other bookseller and I have seen them in retail stores as well.

Nurturing a budding submissive is vastly easier than nurturing a budding dominant but it can be done.  It is a lot like dealing with children.  When he does something "dominant" make sure he knows how hot it makes you.  When he doesn't, don't pout and bitch, instead beg.  The difference is bitching takes away his power, begging gives power to him.

You may not end up with a genuine knuckle dragging UberMaster but you just might end up with a partner who is no longer vanilla.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 1:50:56 PM   
ravn


Posts: 328
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline 		the only collar that matters is the one He's placed on your heart- and yes i KNOW that sounds cheesy, but it's true.
As for the more control outside the bedroom thing, simply ask Him more quetions. It will get to the point where He'll answer questions before they're asked, therefore 'issuing orders'
be well and good luck!
ravn


_____________________________

Masochism is a valuable job skill.
Chuck Palahniuk
Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly.
~Proverb ( bring on the tyranny!)

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 2:06:09 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Some males contrary to popular belief just are not dominant. He very well may have fun controlling you in the bedroom but when fun times over he may rather you be your own person on equal footing with him. So you need to focus on whats important, establishing who you are and finding out from him who he is, collars are not important. Perhaps he wants to be more controlling and just doesn't know how, perhaps he doesnt want to be the controller. Thats something you need to find out and work from there.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to ravn)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 5:25:23 PM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I'm afraid these are the key words in your whole post.  Unfortunately, if you need to be with someone who is a dom at heart, and he is not a dom at heart, you are not going to be completely fulfilled with him.

If you truly love him, as you say, that only makes things MORE difficult, not less difficult.

quote:

ORIGINAL: feistydreams

My boyfriend is not a Dom at heart



Respectfully, I completely agree with this.  As a sub, when I realized *what* I really am, I knew that no ordinary man would do.  My ex would have never been able to fulfill my needs and, in fact, would complain that I was "too good" to him... LOL  (imagine that!).  You are going to be severly disappointed at this, but you need to look long and hard at your relationship before deciding what route to take here.  It sounds as though you are desiring and needing much more control than he will ever be able to provide.  Deciding on a collar style is not the issue when he doesn't want to collar you...

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 5:53:12 PM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

Some males contrary to popular belief just are not dominant.


This is more true that I wanted to ever believe.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 5:57:27 PM   
MistressWolfen


Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		A torque is specific to a "free" person

_____________________________

Quoth the raven

(in reply to weenieroast)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 6:03:56 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Michelle,

Unlike many I think that being dominant can in many ways be taught.  You "discovered" you were submissive and you chose this man, perhaps because there is dominance there that he has yet to discover.

For me, there were several hurdles I had to overcome to get to the lofty place I now reside in. 
  • I had to overcome my fear of being a "control freak" despite being a dedicated control freak
  • I had to learn that if a woman begged well enough, slapping her face and leaving bruises was okay
  • I was taught to be a gentleman and there are many elements of being domly that are distinctly UNgentlemanly


I cannot stress enough the importance of helping him see and deal with these issues.  There are two fabulous books that cover this quite well and that is The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book.  You can get them from Amazon or almost any other bookseller and I have seen them in retail stores as well.

Nurturing a budding submissive is vastly easier than nurturing a budding dominant but it can be done.  It is a lot like dealing with children.  When he does something "dominant" make sure he knows how hot it makes you.  When he doesn't, don't pout and bitch, instead beg.  The difference is bitching takes away his power, begging gives power to him.

You may not end up with a genuine knuckle dragging UberMaster but you just might end up with a partner who is no longer vanilla.


I agree, but if it's "not his thing" after all of that soul-searching and discovery...what should she do?  People/couples/lovers/etc need to connect on so many levels, and even then it's tricky.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 9:18:31 PM   
Passion357


Posts: 481
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wizofos

Any D/s relationship is 2 way, it is a contract whether formal or just a verbal or non-verbal agreement in the end all parties have to be in agreement as to what is expected.



Amen!

(in reply to wizofos)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: A vaguely confusing question - 7/18/2006 9:26:39 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Babysburnin,

Connections between people are rare and should be treasured and not tossed aside lightly.

I was vanilla ten years ago.

Finding kinky people to spank and fuck is easy, finding someone I want to wake up next to is damn near impossible.  I cannot imagine throwing away the sort of connection this woman has with this man without making DAMN sure they cannot work it out.

I say that having told a woman to never call me again because she was an hour late the other day so take it as you will.

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 20
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