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puella -> RE: Please share with Me (7/18/2006 1:54:09 PM)
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Hello MissTress,
I have served in various capacities before in my life. I, on some level always knew what sort of person I was, and that scared me, from a very young age, as I knew just how far down that could take me inside myself, and perhaps, strangely enough, outside of myself.
I went through a very long period of time where, I suppose I fluctuated between the fear of giving myself to anyone at all, and the absolute inability to deny that need. It ended up manifesting in years of what I suppose you could call a sort of self imposed cloistering while doing all I could to improve myself (in as many ways as I could think of) for the eventual man whom I so longed for.
Eventually as I got older I allowed some of those 'grips' to loosen up enough to interact with men, in various serving capacities...though I think.. it was really just more 'training' for that which I was hoping was coming... or he whom I hoped was coming.
When he did come... I was both flushed with the bliss of recognition and absolutely terrified of what it meant. It was the manifestation of all I knew I was and had worked on, and all I had hoped to find. One of the very first things I said to him was... "You are dangerous." As our relationship grew, and my certainty grew... that fear abated, or perhaps changed into... that strange nervous-eagerness which you have when something and someone is so profoundly important to you, and you want so terribly much to please them, and give to them.
The night he claimed me was so intensely powerful as to be almost magical. I remember every color, every taste, every touch, every word, as if it just happened.
He asked me if I knew what this 'taking' meant, that there was no going back from something of this depth, and that a surrender of this magnitude was something that lasted forever.
Forever is a concept we as human beings rarely have the capacity to understand.
I understood it then, going into that collar, just as surely as I do every day that I mourn the loss of it.
The collar, and act of claiming, to me, are part of the same thing. They are on the same level to me as what makes a wedding a sacrament to people who have an honest and strong faith in those rites and the concept of the transcendental. You do not need a God (nor do you need to preclude one) to make something holy, to make something sacred, and to create a sacrament.
Obviously, from my language, you can probably tell I was raised in the Catholic tradition. It has been a long time since I practiced that, or any, religion.
His finding of me, and his collaring me, was such an immense and sacred 'rite', that in a bizarre way, it brought me back to some sort of faith belief. It was profound enough of an experience and joining to make me realize that there was someone, or something, beyond all of 'this', that I was compelled to the most sincerest of thanks, every day for him, and for his choice of me. It was purifying and absolutely humbling. I tried to explain that to him once, and I do not think I did a very good job of it. When things are, or mean, something that vast... so big... rarely can they be defined in something as simplistic as words.
What did it mean to me? It meant everything to me. He meant (and always will) everything to me... It meant waking up every day feeling as well as saying 'thank you'. It meant completion, and wholeness and love and rightness. Now, at the loss of him.. it means less indulgent things... It means trying to find sleep at night while begging that someone, that something to find some way for him to have your love even if you are not with him... hoping you can 'will' your love to him and to his betterment, however fate may allot it. The gifts he gave me are not all gone, I suppose.
It meant he had found me, and it meant forever.
The collar, of course, comes off... mine did.
But the mark of it never does, not when you mean what you say, not when you plunge yourself into profundity. When you look into forever and give yourself over to that vastness, and embrace what it means, eagerly and fully and cognizant of the dangers, even the rejection of what you have given does not mitigate where you have been taken, or taken yourself.
That is what it meant to me. That is why there is no going back. That is why, even without the metal and his beautiful hands at my neck... I will always be marked.
It doesn't have to mean that for everyone, I am sure. But I has meant that to me.
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