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How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 8:52:41 AM

slcsub

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline

Greetings all. Thank you for reading this.

I try, during the course of my life, to be as open and authentic as I can be. On Collarspace (and other sites) I extend this honesty into my profile. Specifically, that I am married. I do not shy away from this topic and I am very upfront about it.

For me, BDSM and D/s is NOT about sex. I believe many here would agree. It can include sex (but not in my case) but unto itself, it is possible to have a long term, meaningful D/s relationship without sex at all.

However, is my being honest about my being married scaring off too many potential D/s partners? Would it be better to withhold that element until the first conversation, or is my current tact the best one?

I cannot and will not have sexual intercourse with another (no penile/vaginal penetration allowed; everything else is okay) and my spouse is completely aware of my BDSM activities as well as my participation online and in the local community. She simply has no D/s or BDSM interests and no desire to change. I've no desire to try to change her.

So is there a better way? I ask because in Utah my prospects of finding a local Domme are already miserably low. I hate to be putting myself at an even greater disadvantage.

Thank You,
moleste

Post #: 1

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 8:57:45 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

No. Do not compromise your integrity for kink.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 2

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 9:11:46 AM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub

I try, during the course of my life, to be as open and authentic as I can be. On Collarspace (and other sites) I extend this honesty into my profile. Specifically, that I am married. I do not shy away from this topic and I am very upfront about it.

IMHO, upfront honesty is the best policy, especially in this situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub
For me, BDSM and D/s is NOT about sex. I believe many here would agree. It can include sex (but not in my case) but unto itself, it is possible to have a long term, meaningful D/s relationship without sex at all.

My personal take on it is that D/s, as I engage in it, is intimate. Whether there is penetration is not my measuring stick for intimacy. Personally, I would never be comfortable with my Master finding a "play partner" or the like.

It's for that reason that I do not and will not engage with married men, even with their wife's "approval".

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub
However, is my being honest about my being married scaring off too many potential D/s partners? Would it be better to withhold that element until the first conversation, or is my current tact the best one?

Being upfront about it is the respectful thing to do. It gives the other person the opportunity to say "yay or nay", and not waste anyone's time if they are not interested in being in a relationship with someone who is married.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub

I cannot and will not have sexual intercourse with another (no penile/vaginal penetration allowed; everything else is okay) and my spouse is completely aware of my BDSM activities as well as my participation online and in the local community. She simply has no D/s or BDSM interests and no desire to change. I've no desire to try to change her.

I would be prepared to have your wife let a prospective partner know, personally, that she's cool with this.

While I'm sure you're telling the truth about her being aware, many people are less than truthful about it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub
So is there a better way? I ask because in Utah my prospects of finding a local Domme are already miserably low. I hate to be putting myself at an even greater disadvantage.

It is what it is. I don't think that you'd gain anything at all by waiting to tell someone this important fact. Don't try to take away someone else's opportunity to make their own choice about the type of person they want to get involved with.

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 3

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 9:12:23 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Is your wife willing to talk to potential partners? Because that might help.

Are you looking to be the primary sub or are you okay being a fwb? Since you don't have much time to spend, what does she get out of this relationship to make it worth her while?

Have you joined your local community, preferably with your wife? Then you could make friends and ask one to top you, while going home with your wife.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 4

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 9:42:30 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Actually I don't find it weird at all, I have a similar arrangement with 2 people here, call them subs or play partners, it's about BDSM and not sex...

However, you are a guy, so it's possibly harder to find somebody anyway and in a lifestyle situation, some Dommes might seek full-time partners as opposed to play partners, so how about you offer something in exchange? Like being a handyman or something (which can also be worked into the whole D/s dynamic), that might increase your chances.

Also if your wife would be open to talk to them, because far too many guys claim the wife is OK with it and then she doesn't even know about it...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 5

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 9:43:57 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub

However, is my being honest about my being married scaring off too many potential D/s partners? Would it be better to withhold that element until the first conversation, or is my current tact the best one?

What is the other option? You don't tell potentials that you're married at all? You don't tell them until you know they're interested to a degree where it won't matter (manipulating a favorable outcome for yourself)?

I applaud your honesty and acknowledge that it makes your search that much more difficult, but if you were to stop being honest, it would improve your "pool" until they find out that you're married. Then, what? How would your own conscience be affected?

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 6

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 9:47:10 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

And a correllary. You are half honest, cuz you ain't talking to your wife about this. So, that is going to scare off some. Not telling is gonna scare them off worse, later, and cause more and more probs.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 7

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 10:25:15 AM

slcsub

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Is your wife willing to talk to potential partners? Because that might help.

Yes, and she has in the past. She's provided pictures (proof of existence) as well as met locals in the community to validate the honesty of my statements.

quote:

Are you looking to be the primary sub or are you okay being a fwb? Since you don't have much time to spend, what does she get out of this relationship to make it worth her while?

Who is "she" in this context? The Domme? I do have time to spend. Obviously not a 24/7 live in, but can accommodate time to improve the quality of their life. Different people have different needs.

quote:

Have you joined your local community, preferably with your wife? Then you could make friends and ask one to top you, while going home with your wife.

Yes, for over eight years. Dommes are a rare commodity here, much like unicorns. :)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 10:26:32 AM

slcsub

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

And a correllary. You are half honest, cuz you ain't talking to your wife about this. So, that is going to scare off some. Not telling is gonna scare them off worse, later, and cause more and more probs.

Actually, I do talk to my wife about this. She's read my profile and I update her as to how the search is going on relative to my BDSM spirituality. Unsure why you'd think otherwise.

To all, thank you for your feedback. It's good to hear that my thought process was on the right track!

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 9

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 10:27:16 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I went and had a look at your profile so I could try to answer better. I'll get to the particulars in a moment.

Straight out of the gate, I'm going to tell you that I'm married. Everybody knows that I'm married. Before MP even got interested in BDSM on his own behalf, I always made it very clear that I'm married and he used to be the (at the time) vanilla guy who came with his wife to events.

It is my opinion that not being up front about the fact that you are married is removing the other person's ability to have knowledgeable, informed, and aware consent when making a choice about engaging with you. This may make for fewer opportunities because some people do not want to be involved with those who are married but is the right thing to do on an ethical level. If you went the other way, how do you think springing your marital status on people would go after the initial conversation has started?

Only because you made such a point of there not being any PIV penetration, I think you also need to consider that some activities such as queening and ass play are still sexual activities. There's a difference between that and no sexual contact and there will be some people that will want to speak to your wife specifically about these things. There are also other things to consider such as marks, amount of communication you will be required to maintain, whether it's going to be just play or an actual relationship, etc. Those are the things that a potential play partner/Dominant are going to want to know about.

So, no, I don't think you are being too honest about the marriage. On the other hand, there are some things you could flush out better that could help you and potential play partners know the situation.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 10

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 10:43:34 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Are you looking to be the primary sub or are you okay being a fwb? Since you don't have much time to spend, what does she get out of this relationship to make it worth her while?

Who is "she" in this context? The Domme? I do have time to spend. Obviously not a 24/7 live in, but can accommodate time to improve the quality of their life. Different people have different needs.

quote:

Have you joined your local community, preferably with your wife? Then you could make friends and ask one to top you, while going home with your wife.

Yes, for over eight years. Dommes are a rare commodity here, much like unicorns. :)

OK, and in this case - you obviously not finding what you want, your first commitment to your wife (as it should be) who is OK with you finding a partner in kink - have you considered finding a pro-domme in your area? There will be no sexual interaction, you could strive for a medium thing, like if it is in the dungeon and all that, you would pay for the session, the rest would be more of a life-style arrangement where you do things for her she wants you to do and you do them as part of your submission - but you do have to ask yourself honestly what you REALLY have to offer, massages and such are the pipe dream of every sub out there, you have to come up with something more unique...

I'm suggesting the pro-domme scenario specifically because there would be boundaries and your wife wouldn't have to worry about where your priorities are (trust me, unless she doesn't care about you at all, it is something she will think about), she could even talk to her and it would all be quite controlled, plus you sound fairly desperate after 8 or 9 years of searching, it might be a way to get your kinky needs met and ease yourself into the life-style situation you desire. Just as an idea.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 11

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 11:10:42 AM

slcsub

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/9/2007
Status: offline

LadyConstanze, yes, I have started expanding my scope to Pro Dommes. It's not my first instinct, but I'm coming to grips that it may be my only option. I've done a few Pro Domme situations in the past (travel to Dallas, for example, for a weekend session), which was good...I confirmed I'm "not broken" and still get a lot out of BDSM but it felt very...transactional. A business arrangement, because, well, it was.

It lacked the connection of a true inter-personal relationship that wasn't predicated by money.

Given a chance, I believe I do have items to offer that make me a valuable submissive. It's getting that chance that has been difficult. I wanted to know if my sharing of my spousal arrangement was perhaps the issue. The consensus of this thread appears to be that is not the case.

Thank you very much.

Respectfully,
moleste

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 12

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 11:22:02 AM

LadyXandreia

Posts: 44
Joined: 6/17/2009
Status: offline

No such thing as too honest. IMO you're doing it right.

_____________________________

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
--Steven Wright

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 13

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 11:44:50 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub

LadyConstanze, yes, I have started expanding my scope to Pro Dommes. It's not my first instinct, but I'm coming to grips that it may be my only option. I've done a few Pro Domme situations in the past (travel to Dallas, for example, for a weekend session), which was good...I confirmed I'm "not broken" and still get a lot out of BDSM but it felt very...transactional. A business arrangement, because, well, it was.

It lacked the connection of a true inter-personal relationship that wasn't predicated by money.

Given a chance, I believe I do have items to offer that make me a valuable submissive. It's getting that chance that has been difficult. I wanted to know if my sharing of my spousal arrangement was perhaps the issue. The consensus of this thread appears to be that is not the case.

Thank you very much.

Respectfully,
moleste

Well, quite a few pro dommes are open to taking somebody on as a personal submissive, but they usually don't advertise it because otherwise they get mobbed by guys looking for free sessions while pretending to dust (and break half the things).

I don't know about the items you could offer, but don't you think that showing you are prepared to do something (I don't know what you can do) to make her life easier would be something that should be showcased on your profile too? Your profile says you are a professional, maybe you have skills somebody might need? Seriously, you catch a lot more flies with honey... You are competing with a lot of other guys out there, the fact that your wife is on board is actually a plus, so you don't want to let a prospective domme guess what you could do for her, tell her. Think about it like a job advert, somebody would employ you because you offer....

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 14

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/1/2015 2:33:19 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slcsub

Greetings all. Thank you for reading this.

I try, during the course of my life, to be as open and authentic as I can be. On Collarspace (and other sites) I extend this honesty into my profile. Specifically, that I am married. I do not shy away from this topic and I am very upfront about it.

For me, BDSM and D/s is NOT about sex. I believe many here would agree. It can include sex (but not in my case) but unto itself, it is possible to have a long term, meaningful D/s relationship without sex at all.

However, is my being honest about my being married scaring off too many potential D/s partners? Would it be better to withhold that element until the first conversation, or is my current tact the best one?

I cannot and will not have sexual intercourse with another (no penile/vaginal penetration allowed; everything else is okay) and my spouse is completely aware of my BDSM activities as well as my participation online and in the local community. She simply has no D/s or BDSM interests and no desire to change. I've no desire to try to change her.

So is there a better way? I ask because in Utah my prospects of finding a local Domme are already miserably low. I hate to be putting myself at an even greater disadvantage.

Thank You,
moleste

Withholding the information that you are married might end up getting you a few more coffee dates. But that might also mean you end up meeting dommes (1) who aren't interested in a married guy or (2) are ticked off you withheld that information.

Personally, I don't think it's unethical to keep that out of your profile if you tell them immediately. But I also don't think that approach is going to substantially improve your odds of finding someone.

I think the reality is that finding a play partner isn't that easy.

(in reply to slcsub)

Post #: 15

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/10/2015 8:04:23 PM

Cuckingcurious

Posts: 170
Joined: 12/3/2015
Status: offline

So far I haven't had any luck with straight forward honesty. I can't say telling someone what they want to hear works because I haven't tried it yet. If you do lie or withold info it will come out sooner or later and chances are what ever conversation you were having was a waste of time. You're better off waiting till someone finds you and accepts you for who you are but I've noticed people are very selfish here. My chances are slim even if I'm willing to bend a bit.

(in reply to seekingreality)

Post #: 16

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/10/2015 8:26:41 PM

DarlingTrina

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/23/2015
Status: offline

I will always argue that D/S relationships or arrangements are like any other, that a Domme or Sub needs to find the Right person to be with.
You have not found the right person yet. I do not see this as being a major issue. Of course you need to continue being honest. No Domme truly wants a sub who is manipulating situations with a game of "when will I tell her what". And you will never find the "right" Domme for you if you advertise yourself incorrectly.

You are looking for a woman who falls into the minority of a minority of women. It may take longer then you hope to find woman. Too bad.

I seek finsubs - men who truly enjoy the lifestyle of a paypet. I have no interest in converting people, pretending it's something else, or striking deals so my boys are ok with this. That would put a lie to what I do. Genuine finsubs are rare, but I do not settle.

What I personally see in your explanation is that you have a partner who knows your interests and has no interest in pleasing you that way. A woman who gives you rules, and who your loyalty belongs to, a woman to whom you are committed and dedicated and honest, who feels no responsibility to please you sexually, "lets" you play with other woman under her rules.

I would have no interest in a sub who clearly already has a Domme in his life. I have no interest in doing what another woman tells me I may with Her man, and I find it insulting that you'd consider lying to one of US, when you wouldn't to her.

You have a Domme, and she uses you as SHE likes to. You are looking for someone to play kinky games with based around YOUR desires, no to be submissive to someone else's needs.... I would actually suggest you accept your situation, be grateful you have a dominant woman in your life, and look for a kinky BDSM game partner, which truthfully is what they would be.

(in reply to Cuckingcurious)

Post #: 17

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/11/2015 2:12:11 PM

WickedsDesire

Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline

honesty is honesty.
I could add more words but feel I need to reach for my mace for the many...but unlike that many of ill-repute and shenanigans at least you are honest nods

(in reply to DarlingTrina)

Post #: 18

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/19/2015 11:27:26 AM

WickedsDesire

Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline

ExiledTyrant I forgot to add in wise words.

And an additional question does she know

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

Post #: 19

RE: How Honest Is Too Honest? - 12/19/2015 1:41:36 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

Everyone has difficulty meeting people through this site, and being dishonest never helps. You seem to be looking for a unicorn among unicorns.

Sometimes we just don't get to have our cake and eat it too. It seems like you want to have your marriage plus a piece on the side. That's fine if everyone involved is ok with it. However, you still have to find someone willing to be your other woman, and she doesn't even get sex from you. What does she get? Why is a professional not your perfect answer?

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

Post #: 20

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