EvilGirlWantd
Posts: 8
Joined: 11/13/2014
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I have recently mutually ended a relationship and moved to another state.
Everything is fine except that I’m engaged in a mad pursuit with my ex, in which I’m treating myself very unwisely, yet I’ve lost my bearings on how to get out or if I want to. Qualifier: anybody else but me would want to [get out], but I am me, so I’m tangled up in something.
I am most confused about if my ex, who I’m talking to about particularly her new boyfriend (of acute interest to me), is trying to hurt me, knowing I can’t stop listening to the details, if she is going to tell me. These details she can give or withhold in a way that would be favorable to her, to revenge her self esteem in regard to the dynamic of who is more hurt by the break up.
When I left, she expressed injury that I did not seem to be very dismayed by the end of our relationship – and I was not, though I tried to make her feel better. She wanted me to come back, and is to stay together. I said I might in May, and thought to retain an emotional bond with each other, saying truthfully I hope she gets to meet other people. This she did, and that is no fault of hers, and I could not complain on any moral ground, and I would not complain even if we were living together.
She told me throughout meeting him that she loved me. And I wonder about the many ways she meant and *intended* this remark. She cried on their first date in the ladies room, “He’s not Kirk.” She missed me, wanted to be with me. These remarks continued past the second time they had sex, and may still continue, with less emphasis on wanting to be with me, as he has now been to her house and met her mother, and so on. She also iterated frequently, “he is you,” etc, meaning he said things that I say, reminded her of me, and sent me as generous a litany of their text messages as I could imagine, which I will be enticed deeply by, as long as I live.
Note: Whatever her intention, I am extremely grateful for these divulsions. However, henceforward, *since I cannot refuse this information*, I find I’m acutely preoccupied with her intent. She knows I can’t stop listening if she is going to tell me. I am almost to the point that I could stop, but there is only one thing more I want to hear, and that is something she is withholding. I wonder, knowing this, if she holding it over me to keep me in a state that is favorable to her self esteem. Meanwhile I am behaving any way I have to, to be able to hear anything that she will tell me. As you can see, I am trapped, in a way.
Realization: I have realized that I feel completely different about her since she started meeting this guy. And the reason is that she re-established this emotional bond with me right before she met him. In other words, because I felt like we were ‘together', when she met him, and because I am fundamentally predisposed to be a cuckold, when she asked me to be with her and then had amazing sex for hours and now days – of – hours, with this man – I was able to feel, for a day and a half, that I had found everything I ever wanted from life, romantically. It was the best and most intense feeling I ever had. Having the one thing I was missing for two years, and her sharing every detail, and feeling completely in love.. There is no way that I could shut the door on that. I know how big his penis is, I know what times and how long they had sex (already more than all the time together we have ever had sex), I know she had an orgasm just from anticipation, that it was amazing, that they woke up and did it again in the morning, that he seduces her on the phone, all from her telling me and sharing their texts. And much more.
Meanwhile being this miserable has done wonders for my diet.
I said many times I knew I would be sad when I left her, but I have been in a lot of emotional pain. I feel like: She is messing with me. She is mad that I left and wasn't broken up about it. She is playing mind games with me, knows I will let her get revenge any way she wants as long as she gives me some details (I wanted something after two years)... She is with someone else, I have let her mess me up pretty bad to get what info she would tell me. I should stop taking to her, but I feel like I want to know, more than I want to protect myself.
In the back of my head is this: if she doesn’t want a relationship with this new guy, if she asks me to come back, if she admits the sex is better with the new guy and wants to see other people – I would not hesitate. *The way I felt*, when she first started seeing him, and told me every detail, made me feel like I was ready to change my attitude on every area of disagreement, and see things her way in exchange for a life that I really want. I can’t stop feeling that way now. I wake up thinking of her, and do all day long. I’m telling myself that I’m somehow showing her that I will let her do what she wants and that I want her to do it.
But I don’t know what she thinks. I feel like I’ve made it clear so that she knows I feel this way. She must realize. She tells me now only that she is spending a lot of time with the guy and the sex is amazing. I have expressed extreme appreciation for these details.
She is actually really hurting me a lot. I can’t tell if she is interested in taking me back. I can’t tell if she is just oblivious to how I feel despite me being so clear about it. What I suspect is that she knows exactly what she is doing, has no intention of taking me back, and is talking to me and telling me she loves me to injure me, because she felt hurt. I don’t know if a girl could be so nice, to be so cruel. But she doesn’t invite me back, and she knows how I feel. She may be waiting for May, when I will have accomplished sobe if the important things we've talked about, though I don't know of she cares.
The following will sound really stupid to most people: What keeps me from stopping her, if she’s hurting me on purpose, is that I can’t get her to admit the sex is better with the other guy. She won’t say it feels better, even though it’s becoming clear she didn’t like sex with me at all. I want to hear it because it is a validation of my lifestyle and it proves to me that I am doing something I can be proud of, by letting a woman have the freedom, and I think the right, to have this kind of experience with another man, except without leaving me. I was unhappy so long in that relationship because if a woman is not fulfilled, I am disappointed, bored and restless. I tried as politely as I could to have this happen, and was ultimately discouraged in very clear terms. She said she would never do it. Now that it has happened, and she 'took' me with her on the phone, and I had this incredible experience and felt for this short time that my dreams had come true – I want validation. I feel like I have given so much, while only encouraging and praising her, and I’m only asking for one thing – the truth – which she refuses to give to me. She says she doesn’t want to hurt me but she’s doing the only thing that can, in one regard. I base my self esteem on being the kind of man that a woman can say this to. But the truth is I feel like she’s withholding it to be cruel, because she knows, it’s the one thing I want so much after giving her so much more. I *need* to hear it, on a very fundamental level.
So, I am continuing to converse with her, in the most sycophantic yet sincere way, in the hope that I can do or say something that will bring her to the point where she can say it if indeed she is really worried about my feelings. And in the hope of keeping the door open, if there is really any chance that we could go forward (I would not want to start from scratch with someone new and then be invited by the woman I love to live out my dreams). But I suspect she realizes all of this, as I’ve made it clear, and either does not know how much her seeming lack of interest is hurting me – when the most perfect thing in the world is happening, if she does keep me… Or that she knows that too, and is just toying with me to feel better. I have caused her pain. But there can be no comparison to this. No guy ever had to feel this. I am being kind and nurturing to someone who may be intentionally harming me. But I can’t tell her to stop, because I’ve got to know.
Is there any way that I can ask, what advice people in the community would give, what perspective, what clarity – to a wilful fool such as myself? If so, thanks, and if not, thanks for reading.
EGW
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Cuckolding with a vanilla woman (requesting insight) - 
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