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Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 12:42:39 PM   
MistressRikke


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/6/2015
Status: offline 		I got into lifestyle domming about 2-3 years ago, I have a fair amount of regulars and newcomers to keep me busy. I started with no experience or training, just reading up on things online and practicing on a willing friend. But I'm hitting a wall lately. I think I've learned all I can learn from myself. But I know I'm not the best Domme I can be yet.

Any idea on how I can expand my skillset?

Thanks!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 1:52:02 PM   
epiphiny43


Posts: 688
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline 		Are you a Domme for internal reasons or to be successful in terms of how many subs seek you out? If you are having all the fun you want, No Problem. If you don't feel your subs are having as intense or mind-expanding experiences as you might create, talk with them more? Reading internal states is partly talent and partly knowing your sub's intimate feelings and desires. And who is kinkier than the usual sub who mostly lives in a fantasy world simply because there are so many more of them than Dommes?
My last Domme once complimented me in a most appreciated way, when she said one of the most fun parts of our relationship was the things I suggested (respectfully, out of session) that she might enjoy doing to me, which she wouldn't have thought of herself. Part of this was that we both enjoyed 'debriefing' later, where we shared our emotions and states of mind about each session events. A lot of inspiration for the next encounter came out of these conversations.
Every partner/client will have a couple of interesting ideas or kinks that may expand your repertoire and fun as well as your insight into the whole sub mindset. We are all different. You respond to and engage emotionally with each differently. The more you become aware of how varied each of us is and how open you let yourself be to that, and to your own possibilities, the more interesting things should get for all.

< Message edited by epiphiny43 -- 12/12/2015 1:55:59 PM >

(in reply to MistressRikke)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 3:13:16 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I mean you no offense. If you've got three years in, there are a ton of topping skills that you don't have yet. All of these little skill sets will make you more versatile. I'm getting the vibe that you deal with clients where I deal with lifestyle folks. Still, here are some ideas for you.

How are your whip skills? I mean actual bullwhips, buggy whips, etc? Swinging leather will set you a class above.

Fire play, meaning all different types of open flame play.

Wax. You can never go wrong with wax.

Basic rope. By three years in, you don't have to be a shibari expert or anything but you should be able to do simple rope tricks.

Electrical. Violet wand is one of the easiest things to do with some basic teaching.

(Not my bag but) Feminzation. A lot of clients want this.

Sharps and medical play.

CBT. Parachutes, sounds, cock and ball bondage. That kind of thing.

Impact. Along with whips, learn florentine flogging, canes, crops, and that kind of thing.

Get some education about sensory dep. Exceptionally easy to do and some people love it.

Advice?

Go. To. Class.

Check out educational opportunities in your local area. When you see somebody who is awesome at one skill or another, ask them to teach you what THEY know. Cell popping, mind fucks, take downs, hook pulls, anal play...

It's pretty cool realizing how much we know but we don't know about all of this.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to epiphiny43)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 10:15:49 PM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRikke
Any idea on how I can expand my skillset?

Meaning you no disrespect, the skillset you are referring to is that of BDSM Topping. LadyPact has offered you some suggestions.

There are always techniques to refine, learning curves to "master," safety considerations to make, keeping in mind that as a Top you assume personal liability with any play partner bottom you scene with. As such, it behooves all of us to choose our play partners carefully, not to take the smallest or seemingly trivial matter of consent and/or safewording lightly, and to make sure all parties involved are in the right (sober) headspace.

This is a never-ending process. epiphany43 makes a good point about the debriefing aspect of aftercare where both partners exchange feedback.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRikke
I got into lifestyle domming about 2-3 years ago, I have a fair amount of regulars and newcomers to keep me busy. I started with no experience or training, just reading up on things online and practicing on a willing friend. But I'm hitting a wall lately.

Like many of us starting out, you are assuming that being a Dominant is the same as acting as a Top. It doesn't. Anybody can play the role of a service Top -- that doesn't make you a Dom/me, Master or Mistress of anything other than in the mastery of self, first and foremost.

That being said, the similarity is that you can never stop learning how to improve and become better at both.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRikke
I think I've learned all I can learn from myself. But I know I'm not the best Domme I can be yet.

Often, Tops can learn just as much from experienced bottoms as they can from other Tops.
Just as Dominants can learn how to be better Dominants from their submissives.

With the right combination of being attuned with your partner(s) on as many levels as possible, in being attuned with your own needs, and with fulfilling these needs - without doing the one at the expense of the other - you can excel at both.

DreamLady

_____________________________

Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

(in reply to MistressRikke)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 10:23:44 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I was under the impression that the OP was looking to improve her topping skills. If this was a mistake of mine, I apologize.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 10:53:19 PM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I was under the impression that the OP was looking to improve her topping skills. If this was a mistake of mine, I apologize.

I'm sure that this is the primary thrust of why she is feeling she has hit a wall, and you gave her good tips.

It was because she feels that she is "not the best Domme [she] can be yet" that I went ahead and made the distinction between Topping and Dominating.
I got the impression that it might be more than acquiring greater expertise, or that she might have reached that point where physical T/b interactions is not as gratifying to her as she believed it should be.

If she's already involved in the lifestyle, then I don't see where there would be a shortage of resources to expand her "skillset" or to fine tune various techniques.

I'm the one who probably read more into what she is asking!

DreamLady

_____________________________

Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 11:18:52 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		We all do that.

I know it's not your "thing," but I have a great time topping.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/12/2015 11:50:29 PM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline 		Well, I'm not a sensual sadist, and I'm a demisexual like you, so I can't get into Topping unless there's an emotional connection.

I find the emotional bonding lends itself more to the D/s side of things, along with the mental aspect, so that's more my thing.

Sensuality aside (depending on whether that would factor into play or not), if I were into S&M I would want to be the best at it that I could be as a sadistic Top, so then it would be more about gaining expertise in technique.

The same with if I were into rope-tying bondage instead of just using restraints, I'd want to learn from the best. That would make me an expert rope Top, but being one wouldn't mean that I was any more Dominant than the next rope-tying Top, or what have you.

DreamLady

_____________________________

Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/13/2015 5:01:43 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Oh, we agree. Always learn from the best, or at least, the best at your disposal.

Most of the things I know how to do today are because I *asked* the person who knew how to do something I wanted to learn how to do. I couldn't have learned even half of what I know now if it wasn't for other people teaching me.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/13/2015 5:36:19 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Oh, we agree. Always learn from the best, or at least, the best at your disposal.

Most of the things I know how to do today are because I *asked* the person who knew how to do something I wanted to learn how to do. I couldn't have learned even half of what I know now if it wasn't for other people teaching me.


me too:) I learned with a couple of pro women did a few dual toppings, and "tea parties" learned the responsible way to use a cane, floggers, whips, restraints, suspension and cbt...had an awful lot of fun. I also found going to cons like Black rose was awesome, They use to have an exploratorium, and you could walk around the dungeon and watch, ask questions and play, I learned cupping, and rope, fire play and pony play at various black rose conventions. They had them up here in toronto too, but that was more then ten years ago. I know one of my old friends from those days gives classes on rope bondage, I used to watch him and chat to him now he is a big man in rope and doesnt have time to do the one on one so much.
LAst time I went down to the US where I met YOU:) I went to a great class about neuroscience and kink/mindfuck and electro play...that was informative, fun and delicious. Oh and yes improved MY skill set.
I still have areas I dont have skills with, mostly because I dont have an interest in them.
I wish you fun and luck OP...

_____________________________

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(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/13/2015 8:43:17 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Next time you come down, we'll do something really amazing.

There's nothing a person couldn't learn in this town if they wanted to.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/13/2015 12:11:44 PM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		You should be talking about evolution not learning. Most souls lack the capacity for the first...Think me will go with those words alone and not a long ramble.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/13/2015 12:30:20 PM   
MistressRikke


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/6/2015
Status: offline 		Lot's of good stuff to pour over here, thanks so much ladies!

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Expanding my skillset - 12/13/2015 1:32:07 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You are more than welcome. I think you'll find that there are still enough of us around this joint with various experiences and backgrounds that you can get help with just about anything.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MistressRikke)
Profile   Post #: 14
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