Getting my needs met (Full Version)

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BossyKitten -> Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 1:50:03 PM)

I could use some advice in regards to having others take care of my needs in a relationship. I grew up very shy and introverted and invariably I couldn't/wouldn't voice what I needed and wanted in a relationship, so I got very good at doing things myself. I've grown out of the shyness of my younger years and now I don't have problems communicating what I'd like from my partners, the new problem is that I got so good at taking care of myself my partners can't seem to keep up. Often even when I say "I would like X right now/soon/today" I'll usually get a "Sure thing honey, I'd love to" in response but never any follow through. Is there a way to inspire men to follow through on the things they say they'll do, or inspire them to do more to make me happy? Talking about it doesn't seem to work, asking outright doesn't seem to work, hints don't seem to work.



NookieNotes -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 2:03:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyKitten

Is there a way to inspire men to follow through on the things they say they'll do, or inspire them to do more to make me happy? Talking about it doesn't seem to work, asking outright doesn't seem to work, hints don't seem to work.


Get new partners.

If they can't respond to direct communication, then why would you want them? If they don't want to male any effort to make you happy, why would you want them? It boils down to: If they can't make you happy, why would you want them?



DesFIP -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 2:42:09 PM)

Have they done this before? Because it can be difficult for a man to hit a woman. His whole life he's been taught never to do that and you want him to become comfortable with it overnight. Not going to happen.

Start with small easy stuff. Ask for a spanking, you'll probably only get three really light slaps. Be grateful for it, tell him how hot it makes you. Ask him to have sex, beg to suck his cock. Remind him over the next few weeks how excited it made you and ask him to do it again soon, only longer and harder.

Repeat. And expect it to take him six months to two years before he's comfortable doing this. Explain when he's uncomfortable that you're consenting to this, that you need this, and that he's making you happy by doing this.



BossyKitten -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 2:51:39 PM)

I'm not talking about BDSM stuff and I don't like being hit. I'm talking about things like following through on a backrub they said they'd give me, not initiating sex at bedtime when I'm trying to sleep because we've already discussed how it irritates me (I hate sex being a routine, leaves me drier than the sahara), or not having to take care of myself when I'm sick. Those are just some examples. And these are men who do care about me and want me happy, there just seems to be a disconnect between talking and doing.



dreamlady -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 3:23:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes
quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyKitten
Is there a way to inspire men to follow through on the things they say they'll do, or inspire them to do more to make me happy? Talking about it doesn't seem to work, asking outright doesn't seem to work, hints don't seem to work.

Get new partners.

If they can't respond to direct communication, then why would you want them? If they don't want to male any effort to make you happy, why would you want them? It boils down to: If they can't make you happy, why would you want them?

^What she said^ You know you deserve better or you wouldn't be asking for a secret formula.
It sounds to me as if the men in you life are getting their needs met, and that perhaps you have made it too easy for them to be bothered with following through. Either that, or else you haven't summoned up your Inner Bitch and are still stuck in an overly understanding mode.

Tell us, do you call them to task with zero-tolerance consequences, or do you act like the stereotypical (longsuffering) tolerant woman who constantly makes allowances for their mansplaining excuse-making? (This would include passive-aggressive avoidance techniques.) Think vanilla deal-breaker Hard Limits.

Face it, you are not their highest priority. You aren't even neck-in-neck close.

The natural state of a man, is. . . entropy. You are fighting an uphill battle against the force of entropy.
The more you do for them, the more you condition them to depend upon you, and this is not making them rise up to the challenges of doing their fair share of what should be a team effort in any kind of partnership, much less an intimate relationship.
It may not be intentional on your part, but you are not making them stronger by enabling their uncaring behavior -- you are making them weaker.

Ask yourself this, do these men treat you like their best friend, that they would give you the shirt off their backs to ensure your comfort?
Are you treating them like your best friend, and would this be acceptable for a close friendship to endure?

Most of all, have any of these men been Mr. Right, or merely Mr. Right Now?
Because it sounds as though you are Ms. Right Now in their minds, or else they would be willing to make the emotional investment it takes to please you, make your life easier, and keep you happy to the best of their abilities.

Just saying,

DreamLady



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 4:02:27 PM)

If I had a $ for everything that someone said that they didn't follow thru on, I'd be a multi-billionaire.

If you are the sort of person that niggles, whinges and complains at every little thing, I'd soon find you unexciting and boring and really not want to bother with you much.

You come across as someone that wants the world to revolve around you like a spoiled brat.
Most spoiled brats don't get very far in the real world.
It's a fact of life. Live with it.

If you are finding this to be a common problem, the common denominator is YOU!


ETA: this post reminds me of my son's (now ex-) GF.
I told her to get an attitude transplant and to grow the fuck up.



LadyPact -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 4:03:07 PM)

<Fast reply.>

Can y'all imagine how this would go if MP was like that?



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 4:05:31 PM)

That don't even bear thinking about, LP! [:D]



LadyPact -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 4:21:25 PM)

OP, a partner who loves you, will do damn near anything for you.

If you are going to be with someone, be with someone who loves you back.



BossyKitten -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/13/2015 5:31:31 PM)

Thanks for the different perspectives, conflicting in nature though they may be. I mean, I'm both not bitchy enough and a complete spoiled brat. Obviously we all have our own views of the world, suppose I shall ponder on the differences those here have shown.



dreamlady -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/14/2015 1:06:58 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
OP, a partner who loves you, will do damn near anything for you.

If you are going to be with someone, be with someone who loves you back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvvX5QM4z3Y
The world was on fire
and no one could save me but you. . . .
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.

[image]http://cdn.collarspace.com/attachments/121415/7F04969E-3EB5-468D-85B0-85373CB498B61.jpg[/image]

DreamLady



NookieNotes -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/14/2015 4:39:26 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

You come across as someone that wants the world to revolve around you like a spoiled brat.


I'm curious. What about asking to have needs met, AND someone agreeing to meet them, then not following through make her a spoiled brat?

I get saying: "I want this. I want that."

I get guys saying, "No. Not cool. Not gonna happen."

I DON'T get guys saying, "Sure! I can do that," then not following through.

That, to me, suggests that they think her requests are reasonable enough not to reject them out of hand, but that they just don't care. Not that she is being a brat.

quote:

If you are finding this to be a common problem, the common denominator is YOU!


This I agree with.



NookieNotes -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/14/2015 4:51:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

OP, a partner who loves you, will do damn near anything for you.

If you are going to be with someone, be with someone who loves you back.



Absolutely this.

I only allow partners into my life who show every moment of every day that they are willing to go to extremes for me.

I don't require that every moment of every day. That would be silly. And selfish. And detrimental to their lives. However, when the time comes to step up, they do it, usually without prodding.

As an example:

The other day, two horrible things happened. One, some construction outside for ten minutes made the world shake and gave me a POUNDING headache that simple drugs did not take care of. Two, my roomie came home with "Fresh Lavender" scented toilet paper, when we'd gotten down to nearly nothing in the house.

Boy 1 send me a lovely photo an a poem, and checked in on me throughout the day from work (he lives 2 hours away).

Boy 2 (my Pet) took a long lunch to come see me (he lives/works about 15 minutes away). I asked him if how much he loved me as he was about to leave. He said "A lot." I asked if he loved me enough to pick me up unscented TP, so I didn't have to go out or use fake flowers on my hoo-hah. He laughed, and said he loved me that much. He showed up with TP (GOOD stuff) and flowers. He held me, rubbed my head, gave me a few really good orgasms, and tucked me in for a nap before going back to work and working a bit late to make up for the time he spent.

BOTH men went out of their way to make me happy, within the constraints placed on their daily lives. BOTH made me smile.

THAT is how I deserve to be treated.

But, and here is the kicker... I earned that from them as well.

I earn their love.

I earn their affection.

I earn their desire.

I earn their crazy gestures.

AND... perhaps more importantly... I also reward them. And that IS part of a secret formula, as dreamlady suggested. Treating them right as well. rewarding them for what they do right, instead of simply believing that they should do right, and keep looking for more ways to improve them.

I also pick very carefully. I weed out those who I think are not going to be right very quickly. I want men who want something more than ordinary and are willing to work with me to create it.

Here is the secret:

1. Pick right to begin with.
2. Inspire them to be crazy about you.
3. Reward the wonderful things and the daily things.

Repeat 2 and 3 forever.



DesFIP -> RE: Getting my needs met (12/14/2015 11:34:30 AM)

The other thing is that when you ask for a backrub, are you giving a time frame or leaving it open ended.
Because if I said "hey could you give me a backrub some time", I wouldn't be surprised if it slipped his mind. If I said "I twisted my back, could you massage it before dinner which is in an hour" I would expect him to put down what he's involved with and come rub it. So are you being open ended or not?



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