Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: D/s - Is it love or money?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: D/s - Is it love or money? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/30/2015 9:40:57 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
You are right about the element of control.

That said, i am trying to figure out how a Domme might try to gain control of me when we are NOT from the Chinese tradition. After all, I am single and from a cultural tradition where the man controls the money ... and gives his wife what he thinks is appropriate ... of course, that amount is only after the beer is purchased ...

What say you?

You mean you are wondering how will she control you, without money element now? I mean, for some dommes, even if they aren't pros, some do have the fetish of control of a man's money. Looks like this one does not, she does it for work, but wants no financial transaction when she's seeking a genuine connection.
Well, you'll just have to continue to play with her to find out.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/30/2015 9:46:58 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

You mean you are wondering how will she control you, without money element now?

I mean, for some dommes, even if they aren't pros, some do have the fetish of control of a man's money.

Looks like this one does not, she does it for work, but wants no financial transaction when she's seeking a genuine connection.

Well, you'll just have to continue to play with her to find out.



Greta, You are a very wise lady! And you have great insight! Right now, it looks the same way to me. Thank You very much!





_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/30/2015 10:25:33 PM   
Cell


Posts: 409
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I'm chinese, and traditionally, in my culture, husband literally gives 100% of his salary to his stay at home wife, while wife gives him his allowance of HIS salary to spend. There has always been this illusion that Chinese women are subservient in the household, but their job is family accountant most of the time. The man job is just to bring in the dough, but the wife manages his dough.

I had no idea. That's interesting.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/30/2015 11:10:09 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
Greta, You are a very wise lady! And you have great insight! Right now, it looks the same way to me. Thank You very much!

Glad I helped in some way
Enjoy your New Year! Sounds like a fun 2016 beginning for you both!

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 1:57:18 AM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		I hate to sound a note of caution. From what you say your belle is clearly impressed with you so much kudos, however you must be left with the gnarlier question about why.

It really depends on how deep you want to dig. if she doesn't want payment to see you then it's not about the payment, but is she partly impressed with you because you are financially stable or successful? Plenty of non-Pros on this and other dating sites think that being solvent is a minimum starting point for a suitable man, the motivation for which might be anything from avoiding people who never work to requiring a substantial income to support their lifestyle. "For richer and poorer" sounds great, but how many "solid" relationships falter when the cash gets low, whatever people have said to each other or themselves.

If she would date you if you were broke, it's absolutely not about the money. If you are really smitten with this woman and you will always maintain your current lifestyle or better, it is a question you may never need to consider in any depth.

To put it another way, does it really matter if you're having fun? Depends how much you love her.

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 2:08:53 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: longwayhome
but is she partly impressed with you because you are financially stable or successful?


Being financial successful or stable is a skill set. I see it as a skill, like being good at tennis or basketball. That's something you can hone and work towards.

Definitely something possible for almost anybody who has the desire to put in the work and effort and discipline to make it happen.

Why would that be a concern if that was one of the good points she liked about him?

Many men nowadays also prefer financially successful and stable females as a criteria. It's a skill to be admired.



< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/31/2015 2:15:48 AM >

(in reply to longwayhome)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 2:43:53 AM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: longwayhome
but is she partly impressed with you because you are financially stable or successful?


Being financial successful or stable is a skill set. I see it as a skill, like being good at tennis or basketball. That's something you can hone and work towards.

Definitely something possible for almost anybody who has the desire to put in the work and effort and discipline to make it happen.

Why would that be a concern if that was one of the good points she liked about him?

Many men nowadays also prefer financially successful and stable females as a criteria. It's a skill to be admired.




I agree with what you say about being impressed by someone with a skill set, including the ability to make money. I would not necessarily say that is a bad thing.

The concern about whether it was love or money was however raised by the OP, which is why I sought to address that very issue.

I guess I just think that it is a very complex question with many shades of grey. If you were ostentatiously rich, you would never really know how far money was a factor in any relationship you had. Whether it was just a starting point or whether your partner couldn't live without the money. If your partner was initially attracted to your "skill set" or your wealth, did that just give them an opportunity to develop a better appreciation of you - to get to know the real you as it were. Is the "skill set" so important to both of you that you can both only bear to be with someone who can and does make lots of money? Alternatively, is your lifestyle the attraction (even if someone loves your kindness and your cute smile) and such a large part of the make up of your relationship that it would fail without it?

There's no easy answer. And no straightforward moral position. The ability to make money can be important or unimportant to both of you when getting together and money can still be a factor in sinking your relationship. For what it's worth, I think that these things sometimes take a long time to be clear in a relationship, and even when they do, it doesn't necessarily matter. The question is what matters to you and what assurances you do or don't need before proceeding further. Like how much does romantic love matter to you at the start of a relationship over other factors?

Once again love or money was the OP's question. Being 100% sure is impossible and may not matter anyway. That's why I said "does it really matter if you're having fun?"

On that basis I wish him all the luck and happiness in the world.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 8:22:54 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

D/s - Is it love or money?

Just returned home yesterday, from spending Christmas with a Pro Domme in another state. Spent 4 days and 4 nights with Her. Prior to this "date", we had never met before - but we are both mature and single.

Obviously I paid a bit of a fee for the initial meet. And just as obviously, that went well.

This morning we exchanged messages, the essence being that we missed each other. She added the thought that She would never charge to see me again; as well as asking: when can She come to Michigan to visit me at my house?

Which leads to this New Years Question:

Are D/s relationships, of any stripe, motivated by love or money? And if so, which is the more powerful motivation?

Please share your thoughts and experiences.

Thank You!







OK, I used to pro domme, long story, to apprentice was the best way to learn, the life-style community held the view I need to sub first and "work for being taught by being a submissive" - errr NO, didn't work for me, so apart from learning a lot, I also got to play with a lot of different people without strings attached.

I made friends with some of the people I met in the dungeon, it wasn't about them being clients, it was just genuine friendship, years later I'm still in touch with them, we exchange calls, cards, go for meals if we're in the same town. With some of them the vanilla work paths crossed.

I met my other half at a computer forum, pretty nerdy, we both didn't go there to find partners, it just happened, life just happens and if you guys hit it off, good for you. I can't tell you if you got a chance, but hey, at least you know you are compatible in kink, so that's a good thing.

Treat her like any other date, don't rush into things, see where it goes.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 9:19:17 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: longwayhome
but is she partly impressed with you because you are financially stable or successful? Plenty of non-Pros on this and other dating sites think that being solvent is a minimum starting point for a suitable man, the motivation for which might be anything from avoiding people who never work to requiring a substantial income to support their lifestyle. "For richer and poorer" sounds great, but how many "solid" relationships falter when the cash gets low, whatever people have said to each other or themselves.


I've dated millionaires and I've dated average Joes. For the most part, I care more about the work ethic than the income. The exception is that I'm probably not going to view a guy working the Drive Thru at McDonald's as an Alpha (unless there are extenuating circumstances)

When M and I got together, our salaries were about the same. I didn't care because the man has a work ethic and integrity that is amazing. Then M lost his job because it turned out the owner of his company hadn't paid the State of California sales tax for YEARS and fled the country. By that time I was making 3 times what he made, so when he chose to take his time while unemployed and create his own business - I didn't care because by then I knew that he had a work ethic and integrity that was amazing and he would eventually go back to doing what he does.

It's about the drive and ethic. Some guy that constantly goes from job to job, some guy that doesn't do anything to push himself forward - those are the guys that won't get my attention.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to longwayhome)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 10:21:56 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXE_n2q08Yw

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 10:59:05 AM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		1. Cash, gold bullion, trinkets’, shiny bobbles etc I have included the following in the same line- In conjunction with; convenience, a steady stream, shag all other business save - the odd meth addict, 99% time wasters – a guaranteed stream of revenue, perhaps she does not want to share that with other pro dome vulutures
2. Love is rare, save of the muffin, so I doubt that very much - although what was that film a horse Julia Roberts Richard Gere…oh what was its name Pretty Woman

Additional notes: a handful of pro dommes love, enjoy, get wet at what they do and it’s not just about the cash but it is for most eg I was reading a woeful article in a UK newspaper regarding eg this site and paypigs etc

People have the capacity for love, some more than others – save me I made a pact with Beelzebub, down at the crossroads on route muffin..I was going to post the Crossroads - Guitar Duel link but its utter pants so here is a better duel

Duel 1 that cannot be

Duel 2 flayed

Unlikely is my answer, very. Guaranteed streams of revenue are rare – some are just keen to guard their bank and they will have more than one bank from other vultures

Kaliko sums up my thoughts

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 12:35:59 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Money to a certain degree is important, just like sex, it becomes more important if it's not there, as long as the bills are paid and a certain standard of living is assured, that's just it, who brings in more and all that is nitty gritty, I'd have an issue with a partner just sponging off or having no drive, but never with how much he earns. I seriously don't need golden faucets to be happy, in fact I would be unhappy with anything so vulgar and tasteless

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 12/31/2015 10:19:56 PM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: longwayhome
but is she partly impressed with you because you are financially stable or successful? Plenty of non-Pros on this and other dating sites think that being solvent is a minimum starting point for a suitable man, the motivation for which might be anything from avoiding people who never work to requiring a substantial income to support their lifestyle. "For richer and poorer" sounds great, but how many "solid" relationships falter when the cash gets low, whatever people have said to each other or themselves.


I've dated millionaires and I've dated average Joes. For the most part, I care more about the work ethic than the income. The exception is that I'm probably not going to view a guy working the Drive Thru at McDonald's as an Alpha (unless there are extenuating circumstances)

When M and I got together, our salaries were about the same. I didn't care because the man has a work ethic and integrity that is amazing. Then M lost his job because it turned out the owner of his company hadn't paid the State of California sales tax for YEARS and fled the country. By that time I was making 3 times what he made, so when he chose to take his time while unemployed and create his own business - I didn't care because by then I knew that he had a work ethic and integrity that was amazing and he would eventually go back to doing what he does.

It's about the drive and ethic. Some guy that constantly goes from job to job, some guy that doesn't do anything to push himself forward - those are the guys that won't get my attenttttt5tion.



Sounds entirely sensible to me.

For my part, I would find being with someone who had no work ethic very difficult whatever their level of wealth or income, so I appreciate that notion. I am certainly not suggesting that there is anything wrong with wanting to be with someone who is not lazy or feckless.

The fact that both men and women may also be specific about an income level in their own minds when it comes to a partner only arises because the OP is concerned about the love or money issue.

What people prioritise in terms of what they want from a relationship is a personal matter. Part of that may involve issues related to money, which are often complex. Asking "is it me or is it the money" is a natural enough question on the part of the OP. We now seem to have widened that out as part of our discussions to "is it my actual wealth, my ability to make money or my underlying work ethic".

To an extent it doesn't really matter in the sense that if you don't have whatever someone wants they won't be interested in you. Why would you expend time and energy on such a situation? It of course becomes more complex when someone asks whether someone is attracted to them because of the money. In a perfect romantic world we may wish that the answer is not at all, when the very sensible posts here have suggested that issues relating to economic activity are a legitimate consideration. This of course is a very far cry from someone directly seeking to support or improve their own lifestyle at someone else's expense.

My note of caution to the OP is only based it being very early in his relationship. The woman concerned may like him for all sorts of reasons which are flattering and affirming. If that includes his industriousness, he may feel that is a positive thing. If however she is attracted to the size of his wallet, that may make him feel wary. The two issues are of course related but different. A practical preference for people with a work ethic and a requirement for a certain amount of wealth are two very different things.

Importantly the subtleties of those differences might not be clear initially at the start of a relationship. People say many things early on which may or may not stand the test of time.

Whether it matters is down to the OP and his situation, rather than our judgement. We all want to be loved for qualities such as our innate sexiness, humour, calmness in a crisis, and the fact that we are good with children and proven animal whisperers. Considerations about money early on can seem a bit cold, even if they are intensely practical (or sexy for some). Is the OP's question a romantic one or based on the fact that he had just spent his last penny and it's all downhill from here?

Whatever way, it all sounds as if there is a really good connection for the OP to build on. Given that it can be scary early on, being concerned about why someone is attracted to you sounds only human to me - as does the necessity for caution, at least early on.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 1/1/2016 12:22:15 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		To me, I don't know why money is often such a dirty subject. We live in a practical world. People trying to say it's not important is kinda like deluding themselves. Even for a country to provide all the welfare needed for you to live without money, that country needs to find the money to support you.

You won't die without love. But you will literally die without money. No money for food. No money for healthcare. No money to survive.

I think money is extremely important. It's only a matter of how much is enough for each individual. And then you find the pairing that matches mutual expectation of lifestyle.

I say this as a woman who loved my x-husband and took on financial support of him, and I would say his lifestyle drastically improved being with me. Eventually he was able to financially support himself and contribute, but when I love someone, I give freely, I don't care about like, is he leeching on me for money? A better lifestyle? That didn't bother me, because I loved him and I love him unconditionally. You know, he was so financially reliant me the first few years of our relationship, to the extent that my own brother called him out on it. He received contempt from my family because, it's not acceptable for a man to rely on support on a woman generally in my culture.

So I feel that if a person is questioning if someone is leeching on you? Then the question is, how conditional is your love for this person?

And it's a choice anyway, to stick whatever conditions you want to the person you love. But when I think about, what it means about loving someone? It means stop worrying about everything that the person could not give you and focus on what you can give to the person because you genuinely feel you love this person, and have chosen to love this person for some reason that make sense to you.



< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/1/2016 1:05:34 AM >

(in reply to longwayhome)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 1/1/2016 12:30:19 AM   
Cell


Posts: 409
Status: offline 		Oh god Greta... That's so backward >_<

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 1/1/2016 12:34:57 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cell

Oh god Greta... That's so backward >_<

Stating facts and reality is backwards?
I didn't know food and healthcare are free in the world.

Here's the other thing that puzzles me about life.

It seems perfectly reasonable not to like someone who is physically unattractive, and totally want to be with someone who is physically attractive. And I say this in a way where attraction is an individual judgement, clearly everyone has their own standards of beauty, but seldom people will hook up with someone they find it difficult to look at everyday right? I mean, the worst thing about looks is that, you are born with them, it's often not a choice, yet people are okay with these things.

Whereas with personal wealth, unlike looks, there is a greater chance of you improving your wealth, despite coming from a lesser background, than there is for you, if you were born with a disfigurement or something, to ever fix that.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/1/2016 12:43:33 AM >

(in reply to Cell)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 1/1/2016 4:32:31 AM   
Cell


Posts: 409
Status: offline 		I was more commenting on the wording of this. "...you will literally die without money." And the sense of urgency it conjures up. I feel like I should be checking my wallet, but I'm a little afraid to now O.o

Meanwhile I'm here 'literally' throwing boxes of veggies onto my compost heap because I couldn't sell, eat or give them away fast enough. Like literally, literally lol

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 1/1/2016 4:48:04 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

And I'm not understanding why any relationship (D/s or otherwise) would be motivated by money

Regardless of the type of relationship, there are always some people that engage in relationships to get money or be financially secure.


I understand the financial security part. And I do believe that whatever someone chooses to look for in a partner is perfectly valid, no matter what. So I'm not trying to say that to look for someone who is financially secure is a bad thing. But the "get money" part is what's throwing me. That's how I read the initial post - that the question was whether a relationship is for love or to get money . Wanting a strong work ethic in someone, seeing a future of financial security as a result of a partnership with them, I understand. Entering into a relationship to get money from them or make money off of them is what was rubbing me the wrong way. That's a transaction, not a relationship. (Though I guess one could argue that if both parties are comfortable with that, then that is, indeed, the relationship.)


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 1/1/2016 5:00:25 AM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

To me, I don't know why money is often such a dirty subject. We live in a practical world. People trying to say it's not important is kinda like deluding themselves. Even for a country to provide all the welfare needed for you to live without money, that country needs to find the money to support you.

You won't die without love. But you will literally die without money. No money for food. No money for healthcare. No money to survive.

I think money is extremely important. It's only a matter of how much is enough for each individual. And then you find the pairing that matches mutual expectation of lifestyle.

I say this as a woman who loved my x-husband and took on financial support of him, and I would say his lifestyle drastically improved being with me. Eventually he was able to financially support himself and contribute, but when I love someone, I give freely, I don't care about like, is he leeching on me for money? A better lifestyle? That didn't bother me, because I loved him and I love him unconditionally. You know, he was so financially reliant me the first few years of our relationship, to the extent that my own brother called him out on it. He received contempt from my family because, it's not acceptable for a man to rely on support on a woman generally in my culture.

So I feel that if a person is questioning if someone is leeching on you? Then the question is, how conditional is your love for this person?

And it's a choice anyway, to stick whatever conditions you want to the person you love. But when I think about, what it means about loving someone? It means stop worrying about everything that the person could not give you and focus on what you can give to the person because you genuinely feel you love this person, and have chosen to love this person for some reason that make sense to you.




I completely agree that these things are choices.

Money is a necessity for life and people who do not worry about it soon learn how important it is when they don't have any. That is why this whole question is complicated. It may be considered shallow to think of money when getting together with someone, but financial hardship splits lots of people up, no matter how true their romantic love is.

Unfortunately money isn't forever, any more than love is much of the time. I would want to fall in love for every reason other than money, and wouldn't want anyone to take account of my social class, professional status or income. Things change very quickly however when considering joint financial commitments, cohabitation and/or marriage. Without a plan to keep both of you afloat, it's difficult to take things further, perhaps even irresponsible.

Being realistic about money is different to falling in love because of it. No stigma in being responsible, and not progressing further in a relationship without a plan.

If however someone needs to meet a rich man or woman just to fall in love in the first place, they are fishing in a small pond and missing out on lots of other loving and capable people. There's no need to judge people for trying to snag a rich partner, there are consequences to what they do which they have to live with, unless they are very lucky or skilful. And if that's the case, best of luck to them.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: D/s - Is it love or money? - 1/1/2016 5:09:42 AM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		I have to admit that the word love or "get" money exercised me in terms of the OP's concerns.

My suspicion is that he is worried about the "get" money possibility which he has every right to do. It may of course be an entirely unfounded fear and, if that is what he wants, the whole financial stability bit can come later.

It's really refreshing though the way that this has been discussed in a positive manner without slagging off the OP or his prospective partner. That's probably jinxed it now but, as I have a soft spot for good news love stories, I really hope it's all good for both of them.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: D/s - Is it love or money? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094