RE: Bit of an odd question

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DesFIP -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/5/2016 11:55:11 AM)
I'd tell him that you're having financial set backs, that since he's only got one year to go, he should take out student loans and she should get a job. You didn't sign up for supporting his wife. Worse, you should have set it up as a loan, to be repaid once he starts working. That would have taught him more than giving him a free ride. You're not his parents, this isn't your job. Now, I had that huge wedding because my father insisted on inviting all his business friends. He'd gone to their kids weddings and thought they should all come to his kid's. The stepson and wife lived together for two years. Paid off most of their student loans and then saved up for the wedding of their dreams. No honeymoon which I think is a mistake myself. They had a nice beach vacation last spring though. Now they're saving for a down payment on a house. They'll buy a fixer upper and since this is what both The Man and her father do, between them they'll fix it properly with the kids paying for material and the fathers doing all the labor.

Greta75 -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/5/2016 5:42:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze We are not going to take his funds for the stuff he needs away, he has the car, his university fees are paid, the rent will be paid, etc. I understand what you are saying. Your complication is, all those support should have been enough for him, UNTIL he hook up with her. His very frugal himself, but the problem is his wife. So actually, before the marriage and everything, should have laid it up to him that he needs to be strong and stand up to his wife and tell her, this is level of living he could afford, she either stick with it, or leave. He needs to tell her, he can't afford her lifestyle. quote: He really loves her and she is 21, that's very young, I mean with 21, I saw things totally different, what she possibly sees is that the other 2 guys who help him our are very very rich, so she possibly doesn't think that people with money aren't just pissing it away, even if they can afford it, the 2 others have good heads on their shoulders and said from the beginning on that they don't want to ruin him by spoling him, that they want to make it easier but to value he needs to learn the value of money. I totally disagree being 21 has anything to do with her materialism. Perhaps I was somebody who stop receiving money from my parents from 16 and started working and earning my own dough, so by 21, I was living by my own self and paying my own rent. I moved out at 19. So I can't imagine this mentality. On top of that, I also married young, I was living together with my x-husband since 19, and we worked as a team together and managed our finances and budgeted what we could afford together. And I was the one that lead that discussion, as I wanted to make sure we have savings for our future. Being 19. So her being 21 and behaving like a 10 yr old, and her husband like her sugar daddy is really, a serious problem and border on delusional. She gotta know her husband cannot afford this, that's why strangers are helping him, because it's THAT bad. Personally, if it was me, I would have simply told the guy, that, the money we provide is meant to support him and him alone. Not to support his wife. And also inform him that if he doesn't inform his wife and nip this matter, I will personally go speak to his wife on his behalf. But that's me..., not very diplomatic, just straightforward. quote: What I think is a good solution (just spent a bit of time on the phone to his other sponsors) is one of them will send an accountant over and go with them through expenses and then set up a budget, he said outside their budget $200 a month for both of them as spending money is enough and he will claim the accountant is a wedding gift to help them to live within their means and to make sure he can finish his degree without having to juggle money. Instead of food money they will get a shopping card for Sprouts, if she can stretch to spas from her $100 pocket money or he gives up part of his $100, it's up to them. I'm super happy with that, because it delivers the message in a nice way and I don't have to be the bad guy. I agree with this solution too. They need a reality check, especially the wife! I frown upon women that don't lift her man, but pulls down her man. She should be helping him. The fact that all you strangers are helping this guy and his own wife doesn't care about his career and his education, says alot about how much she cares about him. And to be honest, I would totally confront his wife and tell her off personally, if I was in your situation. So fortunately, you are gonna be nicer.

Dvr22999874 -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/5/2016 5:54:12 PM)
It really sounds like he married his mother. I agree, he needs to grow a pair and realise he is a big boy now and it is up to him to support the woman he chose to marry, not you and not anybody else. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what is going to happen in the very near future and then stand by for revelations of just what they REALLY think of you. you may find it easier to tell them to go take a flying fuck than you think. It may not be pleasant and you may think it's mean but how does ANYbody else owe them a living and a life of luxury ?

royalarchmason -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/5/2016 9:58:28 PM)
You have a remarkably vivid memory for fictitious events lady Constanze. You then embellish the story to suit the respondents responses and it takes on a life of its own. Fantasy becomes reality and reality becomes fantasy. The demented Dwarf gives his advice and mentions being polite which he himself can never be. Why not get the fairy stories you think up whilst being a kept woman published online under romantic kink comedy drama?

LadyConstanze -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 2:26:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: royalarchmason You have a remarkably vivid memory for fictitious events lady Constanze. You then embellish the story to suit the respondents responses and it takes on a life of its own. Fantasy becomes reality and reality becomes fantasy. The demented Dwarf gives his advice and mentions being polite which he himself can never be. Why not get the fairy stories you think up whilst being a kept woman published online under romantic kink comedy drama? Hello Mr Sock, made a new name? How very clever of you. As for the reality of the story, something that you can possibly not understand because it never happened to you, some of us are friends in real life, and I have mentioned the kid before to them over the past few years, some of us are also friends on FB and possibly have seen pics on the feed. So a sock takes offense and accuses me that the story is fictious, yeah, really... I take that with more salt than the Dead Sea can offer, because frankly the opinion of a sock with an agenda means fuck all to me. Have a nice day and thanks for reminding me to use the hide function once again.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 4:55:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 I agree with this solution too. They need a reality check, especially the wife! I frown upon women that don't lift her man, but pulls down her man. She should be helping him. The fact that all you strangers are helping this guy and his own wife doesn't care about his career and his education, says alot about how much she cares about him. And to be honest, I would totally confront his wife and tell her off personally, if I was in your situation. So fortunately, you are gonna be nicer. I honestly think she cares but she isn't aware how it might be perceived, I think the dream of her getting an advanced nursing degree and working together with him has clouded all reality, she's insanely proud of him but she's really really stubborn. The fact that his mom was very much against her makes her very reluctant to accept anything somebody else says, as she thinks it's a conspiracy against her. Yep, he did marry a younger version of his mom, the hair colour is different but I think due to the mom always calling the shots, he's been programmed to do that. I sometimes think it's a lot like a D/s relationship but I doubt they realize it, they'd possibly be shocked if I'd bring that up ;) I tried to talk to him last night and it seems like LP said, the wedding got a bit out of control, basically the wedding was the dream of her parents, the wedding her parents couldn't have, I seriously never had any dreams of a big wedding and when I got finally married (after years of dating and living together) a massive do would have been a nightmare, but I think a lot of women, especially very young ones, feel different about their "big day". I still think it's stupid of the parents to invest that much money for one day, but then again I'm too rational for it. When H asked me if I want the whole thing with the dress, I laughed and went "White dress would be pushing it and I don't want to waste weeks to plan everything and then end up being stressed out..." Then we looked at what a "proper" wedding would cost and decided to use the money for a few things in the house, like remodelling. I'm lacking the big romance factor, friends of ours got married 2 years ago and also did the big DO, I thought it was stupid to blow the downpayment of a house on a wedding, when having your own house is your big dream and you're renting one. Due to being on different continents, communication isn't always easy, via email it's easy that you might take offense at something that wasn't meant to be offensive. Everybody got a bit stressed out over what happened and grumped, we should have said something much earlier and again, I think the bday pressy was so inappropriate and contributed to the problem by giving her the impression money is going to fall out of the sky. Possibly have to take part of the blame too, by sending money, I automatically assumed they'd put it away for a rainy day, because that is how I tend to handle my finances, realistically if you always get a certain amount (even if it might vary a bit) and it is human nature to take it for granted. The sensible thing would have been to have an fund, put the money in there and tell them it's for emergencies and us adults talking to each other and letting them know, not quietly steaming away and getting more and more angry. None of us has children, so we really didn't have any experience in handling it. Sleeping over it and blowing off steam helped me a bit, and I think the idea one of them had with the accountant is fabulous, basically a real stranger but a professional, there is no arguing with that person about anything, he's doing his job without personal feelings, just delivering harsh realities. I explained to him politely that due to having Harvey, I just can't do as much and to not expect a lot of extra cash, the others will send the accountant over as 2016 will be such a hectic year for all of us, especially with his finals looming, best to have all the ducks in a row and the planning done as he should concentrate on graduating. I'm glad I let of steam here, because I seriously had a case of tunnel vision, technically I could be her mom (thank heavens for schools who have birth control as part of the biology lessons) and well almost his, let's just say I kinda appreciate what my parents went through a lot more. I called them this morning and asked if they did worry a lot, mom went "You mean you calling from the airport that we can cancel the wedding, you're studying abroad and don't want to marry him? You checking in infrequently from different continents? You spending your student break working instead of preparing, spending the money on a motor bike and we get the call from the hospital that you're seriously injured? YES, WE DID!"

Greta75 -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 5:10:18 AM)
quote: I honestly think she cares but she isn't aware how it might be perceived, I think the dream of her getting an advanced nursing degree and working together with him has clouded all reality, she's insanely proud of him but she's really really stubborn. The fact that his mom was very much against her makes her very reluctant to accept anything somebody else says, as she thinks it's a conspiracy against her. Frankly speaking, even if she isn't aware, all the more, I would talk to her and explain to her that, the fundings are meant to fund her husband's education only, so she needs to get on board and help to be frugal, so that, he will be able complete his education. I would literally say to her, "If you love him, you will do what is best for him and not what is best for yourself. Don't be the person jeopardizing his studies!" How can there be a conspiracy against her? Strangers giving money to fund her husband. Money is not for her to touch or use. Straight forward. But I feel angry on your behalf just hearing how altruistic you guys have been to this man, when you all do not have to at all, and then, this complication came along, who is suppose to be more positive for him, rather than a liability. And it's so close to the goal. I mean, OMG, 7 years!! But the accountant idea is the most diplomatic one. Hopefully it works and she listens.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 6:27:00 AM)
We haven't supported him the whole time, it was more or less some time after his undergraduate and when his mom went nuts, it's 3 or 4 years. As I said, I met his parents before, his mom is super nice as long as things are going her way, I was invited to a family do, when he was with the previous girlfriend and the girl wore a dress that showed her shoulders and her upper back, it wasn't overly sexy and perfectly appropriate for a young woman at a garden party in the blistering LA summer, his mom made her wear a jacket over it, claiming it would upset the other guests, highly doubtful, especially since one of his aunts was flaunting a mini skirt and acres of cleavage. His mom liked me, and I was polite to her, then she started to talk about religion, I explained that I am Catholic on the paper but not my choice, born into it but not practising, she then tried to convert me back to church, I politely told her I am not comfortable talking about religion with her and my views are different, I do not want to offend her. It resulted in me getting a rant from her about how being a Catholic is the only way to not burn in hell, again I tried to be diplomatic and said "I don't know if there is a god or not, but if there is, I would hope he would judge me on actions and not which brand of religion I follow and it's a personal choice, a party might not be the best place to discuss why!" She let it rest for a bit, then she asked about marriage, at that point I think H and I had to cancel the date as I had to go back to LA for several reasons, so I said we plan to but at the moment we are just living together and that owning a house and a company together is commitment enough, I joked that it's much harder to dissolve a mortgage than a marriage. Upon seeing her face, I knew I said the wrong thing and she let out another religious rant and that without the blessing of the church living together is a sin. At that point I decided to plan my exit because I figured it would blow up otherwise. She kept on calling me and calling me on my mobile the whole time and tried to make me go to church with her, to take confession, repent, it went to the point where I switched the mailbox off and just didn't answer anymore when I saw it's her calling. My last interaction with her was sometime in 2014 when she was up in arms about a comment Pope Francis made and she claimed he's a traitor to the faith, I seriously don't get her, she's a trained pharmacist but one of those who refuse to sell birth control and rather changed jobs, her husband works in cancer rehab, her son studies medicine and she believes that cancer and such things are god's doing, to punish us or test our faith. I was so tempted to ask why she thinks babies need their faith tested or what they are punished for, but kept my gob shut. I honestly think she's stark raving bonkers, she's always on about how great god is and thanking him, but she doesn't seem to practise what she preaches. You know the funny thought I had just now was "Heck, if she married him knowing she'd get her as a mother in law, that must be love..." As I said, they will get a plan and a budget, I'll bust my ass a bit less and have some more down time. Harsh reality has a way of sinking in, if it's "Your essentials are paid, you get pocket money, that's what you can blow" that's it then, if there is nothing in your account, you can't spend it and getting an overdraft when you're not earning and have a ton of student loans you will have to pay back, that's nothing banks tend to do. And in reality, worrying about rent, food and transportation is stressful, if stressing about stuff like entertainment is an issue, they will have to set the priorities straight, and with him doing that last year of clinical rotation, the hours are horrible and the students are basically free labour, I don't think there will be much time for him to even think about going out, they do long shifts, sleep might be the most desirable thing.

LadyPact -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 7:05:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze I'm glad I let of steam here, because I seriously had a case of tunnel vision, technically I could be her mom (thank heavens for schools who have birth control as part of the biology lessons) and well almost his, let's just say I kinda appreciate what my parents went through a lot more. I called them this morning and asked if they did worry a lot, mom went "You mean you calling from the airport that we can cancel the wedding, you're studying abroad and don't want to marry him? You checking in infrequently from different continents? You spending your student break working instead of preparing, spending the money on a motor bike and we get the call from the hospital that you're seriously injured? YES, WE DID!" Bahahahahahahaha. [sm=happy-smiley58.gif] I'll let you in on a little secret. Every mother loves this phone call. It's usually the one you get from your (now grown) kid and they have this appreciation for whatever it was that was way back then but it's being seen in a new way now. Doesn't matter what it is that inspires that call. It's something that gives a view of "Mom's World," mixed with some element of "how did you do that/put up with that" swirled in there. We eat that stuff up like cake.

Greta75 -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 8:44:55 AM)
quote: with him doing that last year of clinical rotation, the hours are horrible and the students are basically free labour, I don't think there will be much time for him to even think about going out, they do long shifts, sleep might be the most desirable thing. Wow in Singapore, at least medical students gets paid $3k per month for their long shifts, which already most of them are moaning about being slave labour and underpaid as students. I think I need to tell them UK pays nothing!

LadyConstanze -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 8:59:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: with him doing that last year of clinical rotation, the hours are horrible and the students are basically free labour, I don't think there will be much time for him to even think about going out, they do long shifts, sleep might be the most desirable thing. Wow in Singapore, at least medical students gets paid $3k per month for their long shifts, which already most of them are moaning about being slave labour and underpaid as students. I think I need to tell them UK pays nothing! Not the UK, he is in the US, with freaking steep costs for medical schools... No idea what they get paid in the UK but in Germany they tend to get paid during the AIP (Arzt im Practikum as in Doc in training) but not awfully well, they are cheaper than nurses and do longer shifts

LadyConstanze -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 9:02:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze I'm glad I let of steam here, because I seriously had a case of tunnel vision, technically I could be her mom (thank heavens for schools who have birth control as part of the biology lessons) and well almost his, let's just say I kinda appreciate what my parents went through a lot more. I called them this morning and asked if they did worry a lot, mom went "You mean you calling from the airport that we can cancel the wedding, you're studying abroad and don't want to marry him? You checking in infrequently from different continents? You spending your student break working instead of preparing, spending the money on a motor bike and we get the call from the hospital that you're seriously injured? YES, WE DID!" Bahahahahahahaha. [sm=happy-smiley58.gif] I'll let you in on a little secret. Every mother loves this phone call. It's usually the one you get from your (now grown) kid and they have this appreciation for whatever it was that was way back then but it's being seen in a new way now. Doesn't matter what it is that inspires that call. It's something that gives a view of "Mom's World," mixed with some element of "how did you do that/put up with that" swirled in there. We eat that stuff up like cake. I could tell, usually our calls are about 15 to 30 minutes, this time I was on the blower for an hour because she started to recount just about EVERYTHING I did, let's say she doesn't seem to suffer from memory loss, in this case unfortunately....

Greta75 -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 9:16:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze Not the UK, he is in the US, with freaking steep costs for medical schools... No idea what they get paid in the UK but in Germany they tend to get paid during the AIP (Arzt im Practikum as in Doc in training) but not awfully well, they are cheaper than nurses and do longer shifts So not only is healthcare excessively inflated in the US. Medical students don't even get paid! Wow! US...., seriously...., their health sector needs fixing!

LadyConstanze -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 10:11:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze Not the UK, he is in the US, with freaking steep costs for medical schools... No idea what they get paid in the UK but in Germany they tend to get paid during the AIP (Arzt im Practikum as in Doc in training) but not awfully well, they are cheaper than nurses and do longer shifts So not only is healthcare excessively inflated in the US. Medical students don't even get paid! Wow! US...., seriously...., their health sector needs fixing! Well, both of them will own Uncle Sam somewhere to the tune of 400K when they both have graduated, and most of it was spent on university fees, bear in mind they will both work in a sector HELPING people, her as an ER nurse, him as a doctor, they aren't going to go to Wallstreet and they start their working lives with that amount of debt, plus the interest. Since you support Trump, when was the last time he spoke about fixing the health sector? Oh well, he did quite well going bankrupt several times. If you ever have been in a hospital in the US, a lot of the staff there and most of the nurses are Hispanic or Asian, you know the people the tRump wants to send back, same when it comes to care staff. I started to befriend a very nice rehab nurse who helped my friend with the organ transplant when he got a knee replacement, she told me that a very famous and rich guy (she can't name him) told her that he doesn't want her to be his nurse as he doesn't like to be touched by non-white people. I was a bit surprised and she said since it's private health care there is not much she can do about, and she rather helps a nice person than a racist so-and-so. I think there are a lot of things that need fixing with the US health sector, they moan a lot about European stuff, but at least our students aren't quite THAT much in debt as the fees are more affordable, they pay a lot of it back during the clinical rotation, which is also longer than a year and work for relatively little money and to gain experience under supervision of an experienced doctor, it's considered part of their repayment for the affordable student fees. In the US you seriously can go bankrupt over a health issue, even something that seems minor and run of the mill, however if you can pay privately, you will always find a doctor to fix you up. I met a ton of people who had knee replacement due to being morbidly obese, they get the replacement, in most European countries the doctors would tell them to lose weight first, or else the damned thing will also wear out again and it's a waste of money.

DesFIP -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 10:23:34 AM)
However, when you can't walk because of the knee, that can cause the weight gain. It's a double edged sword. I know I'm gaining weight in this damned wheel chair and being told to not eat isn't going to work. If you're active, and eat sensibly you may not lose weight but you'll maintain it without change. Being unable to get up a few steps, unable to walk a city block? Guarantee of weight gain. I have a friend who is getting hers replaced in the spring when she'll be able to walk outside. In the meantime, not only is she overweight but her dog is also. Because she can no longer take him on the two mile walks they used to do. So they're both gained weight.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/6/2016 10:47:17 AM)
I gained a bit of weight when I broke my ankle, but you know, unless there's something wrong with your endocrines, if you know you can't move around, you can actually reduce calories. It wasn't that difficult, just eating less, doing more with my upper body, I could still grab barbells and it doesn't take genius level to know that if you are moving less you are burning less, I simply surrounded myself with carrots and celery sticks. My dogs didn't gain weight as they only got an hour with a dog walker and an hour with hubby in the evening, their food was also cut back and mixed or bulked up with low calorie stuff. If I would have known the exercises then that you do after a knee replacement, I might not have gained 10 lbs, in fact when my friend had the knee replacement, to motivate him I did all the exercises with him, the curls, when he was in the passive motion machine I did sit ups or knee bends, lost a lot of weight, he gained some, since I did the shopping, I just didn't buy him sugary drinks, ice cream and cookies anymore (he ranted a bit) after that and with just healthy food he lost weight. As for your friend, somebody forces her to consume more calories than she needs if she is moving less? I have sympathy for the dog as the dog doesn't have much of a choice. Seems she is suffering from the dreaded fork in mouth disease... Countless aps available that tell you how much you burn doing what and measure that against your food intake. I have a lot of sympathy for people who gain due to endocrines and stuff or emotional issues, if you can't be bothered to cut down if you move less, that's people's own doing.

SlavePusskins -> RE: Bit of an odd question (1/8/2016 12:53:11 AM)
What has eating grits got to do with gay doctor wedding ceremonies being paid for by parents and ponies being financially supported by lifestyle people taken in by sob stories?

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