Impact Play Dilemma

Impact Play Dilemma (Full Version)

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SuaveGentleman -> Impact Play Dilemma (2/14/2016 2:40:37 AM)
Hello All I have previously been in several impact play scenes involving spanking, caning, flogging, etc. What I have found is that while I get intense pleasure from it, it is much easier for me to do on someone who I know less. With time as I have become more intimate with a sub, I have found it to be increasingly difficult to hit or hurt that girl. This is despite the fact that she herself was willing, and in fact I have had to hear afterwards that she felt I was holding back. On one hand I would like to take the play to the full intensity of it. On the other, I dont want to feel less than a man afterwards for hitting someone I care about. Somehow I am unable to dissociate the emotional me from the play-role of me. Seeking insights from experienced sadists who care about their subs - how do you execute this?

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/14/2016 7:08:14 AM)
I had a lot of problems with impact play at first. Part of my mind equated it with abuse and I was afraid of becoming an abusive monster. I had to think this over. My beating people the way they like to be beaten...makes them subspace good and hard. It relieves stress and gives them a terrific neurochemical cocktail. They are proud of what they took...and I try to leave them wanting a bit more of what I was dishing out. I had several friends who were married to their sadists and it was sad what I heard them say...over time, the more their significant other/husband loved them, the less their sadists were able to let himself hurt them. Each decided on poly because the masochist needed someone to really work them over, and the sadist wanted scene time with someone he felt free to really hurt. Underneath this I saw the disappointment and pain of the partner who committed to a sadist, saw this as just another way of expressing love and feeling loved and then...poof, no more bruises and no more blood. If THIS is what makes her feel like you love her, be careful not to make her feel like you love her less. My mentor was a masochist. She helped me through it when I balked over my sadistic feelings and felt bad about enjoying hurting someone even consensually. She explained how she felt from the other side of the kneel, and that she experienced it as just another sensation. Every time I tried to use the word pain she would correct me. I've been into this for a dozen years. For the past year I've been beating one of my bottoms with boards, lexan paddles, and canes until there are welts on top of welts, blood bruises, split skin and a minute amount of blood spattering against the wall. I'm okay with it now and don't feel in any danger of becoming that monster I was so afraid of. With other partners, most didn't want to scene at this level of intensity so yes, I held myself back. We can't push our partners to the breaking point where they hate scening with us and...see us as a ravenous monster that can never be sated, or to the point where they think less of themselves, that they're not enough to give us what we need. I DO have trust issues when it comes to subs or bottoms who are new to me. Anyone I'm in a new relationship with could have regret afterward and go to the cops, show the marks and press charges. What we do requires trust on both sides, not just from a bottom/sub/slave trusting us to hurt them just enough but not more than they can handle (as in, to the point where they feel betrayed and violated). I'm a transparent type person. If I felt bad about leaving marks on someone and had issues I was dealing with that held me back from being as intense as I'd like to be...then I let them know. This can be liberating. I've had subs and bottoms open up to me and share with me how they love their marks, that they have to look at them and touch them multiple times per day and their regret when the marks start to fade. That the soreness makes them smile when they sit down, etc., because it reminds them how they got to be that way. Hearing this helped me to feel better about what I was doing. Dominants and sadists can need aftercare too. Talk with her about it. This is not a role I do, separate from the rest of who I am in my vanilla life. I lack imagination to dress up as some kinky nurse or whatever. I hit because I love the sound of one hand clapping, I love the different colors of the marks and I love to see patterns in smears and spatters of blood. I love to see muscles tensing up, muscles relaxing like butter, skin getting a light sheen of sweat. I don't need a reason to "punish" someone, if I want to give a beating I'll just tell the other person in my life what I want. Playing a bedroom game of let's pretend would make me feel awkward, like I'm some actor playing a part (told ya already I don't have much of an imagination when it comes to that kind of thing). When I tried it out years ago I had to stop mid scene to keel over laughing; it just wasn't me. Are you having problems transitioning between who you are in a scene compared with who you are in the rest of your vanilla life...? What we do is dangerous. Not just to others but to ourselves. I hate to say it but vanilla others seeing the colorful memories of a happy time (bruises) will only see this as proof of abuse and violence. Marking someone is one of the ways we show someone how deep we trust them. Our freedom will depend on them keeping the marks hidden till they heal, and/or their ability to stand up for our relationship like the proverbial tigress defending her young if someone sees a mark and reports us for abuse. My mentor made me read numerous writings on the difference between sadomasochism and abuse. If these links would be helpful to you (might be nice to read them with her because you'll get all kinds of feedback you weren't expecting), I could probably scare some up.

OsideGirl -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/16/2016 12:26:01 PM)
M and I went through a period of this right after we were married. The sadist was at battle with the husband and his urge to protect his wife. We finally had a sit down talk and the outcome was that pain/hurt is different than harm. Once he knew that I wasn't going to let him harm me, things gradually got back to normal...well, normal for us anyway.

sweetieDA -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/23/2016 10:38:31 AM)
I think you need to examine your feelings about those you are able to give impact play to. Do you see them as lesser, less important? Are their needs and emotions not as valid as people you care about? A lot of sadists, they can only be a sadist because they have negative views about the people they play with. It's not flattering and it's not okay. Examine why you are able to hurt some people and then work on that. If you are not able to participate in sadism with a healthy viewpoint of the other, then you are not able to do sadism at all, not in a safe, sane and consensual way.

dreamlady -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/23/2016 1:42:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetieDA I think you need to examine your feelings about those you are able to give impact play to. Do you see them as lesser, less important? Are their needs and emotions not as valid as people you care about? A lot of sadists, they can only be a sadist because they have negative views about the people they play with. It's not flattering and it's not okay. Examine why you are able to hurt some people and then work on that. If you are not able to participate in sadism with a healthy viewpoint of the other, then you are not able to do sadism at all, not in a safe, sane and consensual way. ^This^ Thank you for your candor. Those who are heavily involved in sadomasochism have often gone well past that point of introspection, in that they usually don't feel a crisis of conscience, or else rarely do. OP, I think it's a good thing for you to question your ambivalent feelings. Is it possible that any of what you expressed has to do with your self-image? Your self-image isn't as affected with someone with whom you do not have an intimate connection. (Your ego perhaps, regarding technique or skillset as a sadistic Top, but that's not the same as what you're speaking of.) I might be one of the least qualified persons to opine on this topic. I bring up self-image because my own self-image is that of not being sadistic. And yet I have engaged in mild forms of sadomasochism within an intimate relationship, more mental than physical, and with the physical only skirting the edges somewhat lightly as an adjunct. I had a hard time reconciling myself to the psychological aspect and ramifications of humiliation (verbal, sexual), and it made me feel uncomfortable for the longest time. Cynthia covered the subject addressing your OP comprehensively, so I have to ask, are you taking this necessary step after scening? quote: ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia Dominants and sadists can need aftercare too. Talk with her about it. Don't for a moment believe that you might not need some extra reassurances, even just to give yourself routine feedback. Avail yourself of the wonderful bonding opportunity that aftercare can present no matter with whom you're interacting, but definitely with a play partner with whom you already feel a strong connection. DreamLady

LadyPact -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/25/2016 8:12:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman Hello All I have previously been in several impact play scenes involving spanking, caning, flogging, etc. What I have found is that while I get intense pleasure from it, it is much easier for me to do on someone who I know less. With time as I have become more intimate with a sub, I have found it to be increasingly difficult to hit or hurt that girl. This is despite the fact that she herself was willing, and in fact I have had to hear afterwards that she felt I was holding back. On one hand I would like to take the play to the full intensity of it. On the other, I dont want to feel less than a man afterwards for hitting someone I care about. Somehow I am unable to dissociate the emotional me from the play-role of me. Seeking insights from experienced sadists who care about their subs - how do you execute this? Won't speak for anybody else. I had to learn how to do sadism in stages. Sensual sadism. Pretty much the slap and tickle. Sadism-lite. Maybe a two or three on the pain scale. Then, I started learning more about topping (and yes, I'm really serious about the learning process) and I moved into what's called "fluffy" sadism. Yeah, I'm hurting you but we both know that it's the kind of pain you WANT to receive. This stage was more about next day recap. (I do not call this aftercare in the typical sense of the word.) It is about reassurance for the top. "We did that? Holy crap! Are you really sure you're ok?" More often than not, they were not only ok. They were enthusiastic about doing it again. This was really good for me as a top, because hearing it was ok didn't let me dwell on things like guilt, being afraid that I lacked empathy, and a whole slew of other things. Each stage kind of went like that. Step forward, do a little more, check it all out. Hey, I'm going to administer this pain you don't like. I'm going to beat you until you reach this catharsis that you say you are trying to obtain. Oh, emotional sadism is a thing? Fear is amazing! Do you know people just ooze chemicals when they are afraid? <Let me fan myself> All of my exploits aside, it's normal. You're going to ask yourself about these things. It's how we make sure we aren't the monster we might think we are. Our masochist partners have the same desire to be hurt that we have to want to hurt them.

dreamlady -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/26/2016 2:23:40 AM)
Before I forget to mention it, OP, about the aftercare. You may already be aware that you should always focus on your submissive partner or play partner bottom first, and assuming they've gone into subspace, they're probably going to be non-verbal (therefore, not the right time to get much if any verbal feedback, which will have to wait) and somewhat out of it. Some subs will want to be left alone after you attend to their immediate physical needs, get them water, a snack of their choice, and perhaps a blanket for them to curl up into. Your aftercare may have to wait, if you don't have a cuddle session or whatnot. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Sensual sadism. Pretty much the slap and tickle. Sadism-lite. Maybe a two or three on the pain scale. That's me. It has to be sensual, with erotic elements throughout. Definitely on the lite side, with more like a one! quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Then, I started learning more about topping (and yes, I'm really serious about the learning process) and I moved into what's called "fluffy" sadism. Yeah, I'm hurting you but we both know that it's the kind of pain you WANT to receive. This stage was more about next day recap. (I do not call this aftercare in the typical sense of the word.) It is about reassurance for the top. "We did that? Holy crap! Are you really sure you're ok?" More often than not, they were not only ok. They were enthusiastic about doing it again. This was really good for me as a top, because hearing it was ok didn't let me dwell on things like guilt, being afraid that I lacked empathy, and a whole slew of other things. You're making me laugh. Not at you, but with you and at myself. [:)] What OP should also keep in mind is that he isn't inflicting pain on an unwilling subject. The word subjectify is what makes the difference to me, because no matter how much my partner wants me to objectify him, he never ceases to be a unique and special individual in my eyes. I don't and can't see him as merely an object. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Our masochist partners have the same desire to be hurt that we have to want to hurt them. This could be a topic unto itself. There are some sadists who deliberately seek out non-masochistic partners. I heard it explained to me like this, Because I'm a sadist, I don't want my partner to enjoy the pain I inflict; I want him/her to endure* it for me*[, for the sake of my sadistic pleasure]. This aspect of sexual sadism I cannot personally relate to in the slightest, and why I responded the way I did to sweetieDA's post. DreamLady

LadyPact -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/26/2016 4:24:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamlady You're making me laugh. Not at you, but with you and at myself. [:)] What OP should also keep in mind is that he isn't inflicting pain on an unwilling subject. The word subjectify is what makes the difference to me, because no matter how much my partner wants me to objectify him, he never ceases to be a unique and special individual in my eyes. I don't and can't see him as merely an object. Yeah, sure. It's funny now. [8D] What I'd hope the OP is hearing from my response is that these are very common things to be wondering about. I did. A lot of people do. For some, those questions about ourselves and our activities really can be the defining moment(s) in figuring out that we aren't Jack the Ripper. I can't say "here's the golden key" about it because it's going to be an individual thing. Still, a person asking these kinds of questions about their own proclivities is usually a good thing. quote: This could be a topic unto itself. There are some sadists who deliberately seek out non-masochistic partners. I heard it explained to me like this, Because I'm a sadist, I don't want my partner to enjoy the pain I inflict; I want him/her to endure* it for me[, for the sake of my sadistic pleasure]. This aspect of sexual sadism I cannot personally relate to in the slightest, and why I responded the way I did to sweetieDA's post. I'm kind of a mix. I'm somewhere 90%-95% of stuff that is mutual enjoyment on some level. What's left is the "suffer for me" part. I'm going to choose a volunteer from the audience. I pick UllrsIshtar. That's a very specific case in point that if I did "fluffy" sadism, it wouldn't necessarily be a fulfilling experience for her. Does she necessarily "like" what's happening in the moment? No. I might even find the right buttons to push to get her to fight, cry, beg for whatever is happening to stop. She may even hate me in the "during". Give her a day. Maybe two or three. She has the competence to sit and evaluate the experience. Why, in looking back, she wanted to do it. She likes* to have her endurance challenged. She wants to face her fears and overcome them. If I approached (the potential of) playing with her the way I'd offer somebody a cookie, she'd laugh at me. For some, when they are enduring for you, it's not really just for you. I consider it a simpatico thing. It's the difference between two people who, on some level want to engage in X, rather than me grabbing somebody off of the street who has NO desire to receive the things I want to do in any way, shape, or form. Some of this is also about the comfort level of the top. People talk all of the time about the limits of the bottom, while forgetting there is another side to it. What if a top doesn't feel good about caning someone to a certain degree? My answer is don't. Maybe that's not your kind of sadism. If there's nothing appealing to you about X, nobody says you have to do it. (If they try, kick them to the curb.)

dreamlady -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (2/26/2016 8:41:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact For some, when they are enduring for you, it's not really just for you. I consider it a simpatico thing. It's the difference between two people who, on some level want to engage in X, rather than me grabbing somebody off of the street who has NO desire to receive the things I want to do in any way, shape, or form. This is what makes all the difference, even with your example concerning Ishtar and knowing that as an edge player she would want her limits pushed (other than what you would have been informed or known beforehand are totally off limits areas). Not my thing, but none of my business either. In all fairness, my friend and his partner are in a committed LTR where they both get into takedowns and CNC, testing their endurance levels, therefore no issue of one partner unknowingly getting involved in non-consensual suffering, or one unwilling partner getting seduced into being thrust into a compromising position he or she didn't sign up for. Our conversation was actually about certain kinds of sadists and why some of them don't choose maso pain sluts (according to my logic at the time), and submissives who believed that in order to please their Master-Mistress, they were somehow required to participate in acts of sadomasochism which they regretted afterward, sometimes years later in life, because they felt they hadn't known any better. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Some of this is also about the comfort level of the top. People talk all of the time about the limits of the bottom, while forgetting there is another side to it. What if a top doesn't feel good about caning someone to a certain degree? My answer is don't. Maybe that's not your kind of sadism. If there's nothing appealing to you about X, nobody says you have to do it. (If they try, kick them to the curb.) There are some who overlook the fact that Hard Limits apply to everybody, that Dominants (and/or Tops and service Tops) are equally as entitled to having them as anyone else is. It's a form of (oftentimes unspoken, and can even be peer-reinforced by other Dominants or Tops) reverse-discrimination in a sense, loosely speaking. [&o] DreamLady ETA - Getting past specific BDSM acts or type of D/s relationship as to whether Hard Limits or deal breakers apply, it can simply be a matter of personal preference(s) not being honored as they should be for each of us individually.

Commonplace -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (3/1/2016 1:35:51 AM)
I'm not a masochist. Pain for me is sensual sensation no matter the intensity or bruise that's left. You're doing nothing more than giving them exactly what they ask for. You're not hurting them. You may be inflicting painful stimuli/sensation but they are perceiving it as pleasure. That's how this works. People who eroticise pain perceive what most would perceive as negative as a positive. From the way you've written your OP I'm going to assume these people you're with aren't suffer for me masochistic. Try looking at them as whole women asking you to satisfy a need they have that just happens to involve you inflicting painful stimuli onto their body.

HisForLife71 -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (3/3/2016 11:57:49 PM)
To put it simply, while he does not like to hurt me, he likes how it affects me. I am not a masochist but need that physical element. Being hurt in that way - with control and the right attitude - reminds us both of our places in this relationship and I crave those visual/physical representations of the power exchange. We don't specifically need reminding as such, but we are both very visual, physically demonstrative people.

Greta75 -> RE: Impact Play Dilemma (3/4/2016 12:09:24 AM)
quote: With time as I have become more intimate with a sub, I have found it to be increasingly difficult to hit or hurt that girl. This is despite the fact that she herself was willing, and in fact I have had to hear afterwards that she felt I was holding back. On one hand I would like to take the play to the full intensity of it. On the other, I dont want to feel less than a man afterwards for hitting someone I care about. Somehow I am unable to dissociate the emotional me from the play-role of me. When you figure out how you get over this, please come back and share what did you do, or how did you manage your thoughts? Because Men who feels uncomfortable with impact play, I have been unable to convince them to do it.

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