can I quit? (Full Version)

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Like2Hurt -> can I quit? (2/16/2016 11:58:50 AM)

I love my wife but I dream and fantasize about being submissive. I have been carrying on multiple online affairs and she recently found out. I'm in therapy (as is she) and we are trying to rebuild our relationship from the mistrust my actions have caused. Recently she asked me to think of what bdsm aspects I 2ant in a relationship as she wants us to know exactly what the other wants so we can decide if we both still want the relationship. I know that chastity is a hard limit for her. She does not want to lock me away and I want her to. Can I give this up to save my marriage? She is willing to still play but not go into the depths of my fantasies (which I'm not sure I would be able to act out a lot of what has been in my online relationships). Any advice?



Lucylastic -> RE: can I quit? (2/16/2016 12:15:09 PM)

Simply on the chastity thing...I would need more info, chastity to you is what??? long term? no tease no play, full time day and night? during days off? Have you done chastity for real?
As for your wife, is she aware of the levels of chastity other than your particular fantasy? the different "strategies and tools" you can both use?
Im not judging either, im just offering up some ideas.



dreamlady -> RE: can I quit? (2/16/2016 9:40:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic
Simply on the chastity thing...I would need more info, chastity to you is what??? long term? no tease no play, full time day and night? during days off? Have you done chastity for real?
As for your wife, is she aware of the levels of chastity other than your particular fantasy? the different "strategies and tools" you can both use?
Im not judging either, im just offering up some ideas.
[sm=wall_smiley.gif] Aarrgh. . . I've seen this time and time again. Husband claims he wants to be submissive, then wants to dictate the terms of his fantasy script fulfillment, which then feels like emotional blackmail to the wife, and makes her feel sexually used for the husband's needy, greedy, and selfish gratification. None of these shenanigans makes the wife feel like she's in control or in charge of her husband.

OP, I'm speaking in generalities, but the simple fact that you have already committed on-line adultery has destroyed the foundational trust of your relationship with your wife. I do think that you know that you are one lucky dude that your wife hasn't kicked you to the curb already, and that she is trying to meet you halfway.

What happens with a good number of middle-aged men who undergo mid-life crises, or those caught up in the proverbial 7-year itch (you have a hidden profile, so I don't know how old you are or how long you've been married), is that they turn into flaming idiots.

It's called thinking with your dick, whether you want it locked up, put on probation, taken out on a work release program by your wife, go out on parole from time to time, whatever you have conceptualized for little Herman's fate, you have now made your marriage revolve around the daily state of your cock-centric universe.

I sincerely hope your marriage can be salvaged and that you don't end up driving your wife away.

The answer is elementary. You let your wife ease into her new authoritarian role. (If she was already that way to some extent, then great.) You give her time to grow her Domme wings.

This means you don't get to delineate what YOU want as her submissive husband. You DEMONSTRATE how this state of affairs (no pun) benefits her life. How does it add value to her life, day in and day out? This is key.

Meanwhile, you have to be ultra-patient and put your needs behind meeting hers; otherwise, this is just a farce. You say (by fantasizing about being submissive) that you want your wife to take the lead. Give her the lead. She now has final say-so. Period, end of discussion. When she wants sex, she gets sex. When she feels like cuddling or needs you to be her best friend, you're there for her. When she wants you to listen and hear her out, you give her your undivided attention. When she tells you not to forget to put out the trash on Wednesday night, you make sure you never have to be reminded of this again. You anticipate her needs and then attend to them. You make her life easier, you make it run more smoothly. Less stressful, not adding more stress to her life. If you're not ready to walk the walk, then don't insult her intelligence and play mind games with the woman you profess to love.

DreamLady



BitaTruble -> RE: can I quit? (2/16/2016 10:10:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Like2Hurt

I love my wife but I dream and fantasize about being submissive. I have been carrying on multiple online affairs and she recently found out. I'm in therapy (as is she) and we are trying to rebuild our relationship from the mistrust my actions have caused. Recently she asked me to think of what bdsm aspects I 2ant in a relationship as she wants us to know exactly what the other wants so we can decide if we both still want the relationship. I know that chastity is a hard limit for her. She does not want to lock me away and I want her to. Can I give this up to save my marriage? She is willing to still play but not go into the depths of my fantasies (which I'm not sure I would be able to act out a lot of what has been in my online relationships). Any advice?


You serve the way you want instead of the way she wants. How is that being submissive? No need to answer the question for me but you might want to consider answering it for yourself.



Greta75 -> RE: can I quit? (2/16/2016 10:18:55 PM)

OP, I think..., you might just be a sexual bottom and just want to play all the kinky submissive things. Not sure how submissive you want to be.

If you just wanted to be submissive, then yea, it's just about, let your wife decide everything. She will even decide what you can have and enjoy in the kink department.

The complication is that, you are in a marriage, if you were a single and available man, I would say, find a dominant woman who enjoys every kink you enjoy. But this is a whole different situation. You like the chastity thingy, your wife does not.

I believe you love your wife enough to seek therapy to try to resolve this problem. And your wife loves you enough to want to work with you. Both of you love each other and want to work on this, that is fantastic.

I think the questions you ask, nobody can answer but yourself. Does chastity outweigh everything else good that your wife is to you? Is she worth sacrificing chastity for? Different human beings will have a different conclusion for this. It depends on what is their greater desire.

But if you got a good woman in your hands, then choose carefully.

She is trying to meet you in the middle, she loves you.






domincalifornia -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 12:05:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Like2Hurt

I love my wife but I dream and fantasize about being submissive. I have been carrying on multiple online affairs and she recently found out. I'm in therapy (as is she) and we are trying to rebuild our relationship from the mistrust my actions have caused. Recently she asked me to think of what bdsm aspects I 2ant in a relationship as she wants us to know exactly what the other wants so we can decide if we both still want the relationship. I know that chastity is a hard limit for her. She does not want to lock me away and I want her to. Can I give this up to save my marriage? She is willing to still play but not go into the depths of my fantasies (which I'm not sure I would be able to act out a lot of what has been in my online relationships). Any advice?


First of all, I'd say you need to get a clearer handle on this. You have no idea what you want in reality. Right now, you are in an online fantasy world. You can't say what BDSM aspects you want in a relationship; all you can say is what things you want to try. (For all you know, she could lock you in a cock cage and within 60 minutes you'll be bored and want it off. Sometimes reality is better than fantasy ... and sometimes it's not.)

So slow down. Figure out why you want this stuff. Do you want the kink fulfillment? Are you bored in your marriage? Are you having midlife crisis?

Then after you come up with an answer that is workable, figure out what you want to experiment with.

Don't worry about going into the depths of your fantasies. Don't put labels like "submissive" on yourself. Focus on experiences you want to have. And remember that your wife isn't a blow-up doll (which is kind of what your online playmates are).

She's scared right, probably in part because she's wondering what's driving this in you too.

But if you figure out the drivers, and you're both cool with it, then you can relax, experiment, have fun.







LadyPact -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 5:11:05 AM)

I've probably got the minority opinion on this. The 'can you give it up' is going to depend on how obsessed you are with your fantasy and/or desire to engage in the kink. Since your wife has already said it's not something she wants to engage in, that's not submission to her. You're letting the kink control you more than you're being controlled by her, so that's not exactly submission. The obsession with that particular kink already got you to mess up in a way (the playing online) that you might not have done otherwise, risking your relationship in the process.

What you need to determine is if you have a kink or if you have an obsession with that particular kink. You've already demonstrated compulsion, which is the taking action to obtain your obsession, even though it would have a negative impact on your life. Since you have a therapist, that could be an area for you to explore with your professional to help you find how to determine that.



Cinnamongirl67 -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 6:10:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Like2Hurt

I love my wife but I dream and fantasize about being submissive. I have been carrying on multiple online affairs and she recently found out. I'm in therapy (as is she) and we are trying to rebuild our relationship from the mistrust my actions have caused. Recently she asked me to think of what bdsm aspects I 2ant in a relationship as she wants us to know exactly what the other wants so we can decide if we both still want the relationship. I know that chastity is a hard limit for her. She does not want to lock me away and I want her to. Can I give this up to save my marriage? She is willing to still play but not go into the depths of my fantasies (which I'm not sure I would be able to act out a lot of what has been in my online relationships). Any advice?


Short and to the point.

JUST STOP IT. Fantasies are fantasies. Your married. If you get part of a fantasy fulfilled, consider yourself lucky. Some pandora boxes should not be opened. I am telling you, it will bite you, if not now or tomorrow, in the future.
This too shall pass...



WickedsDesire -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 6:13:18 AM)

Your type make up the bulk of these sites, then single men, then women like you, then single women, then couples. Most of us know all this.

No doubt you will approach your “online affairs” as single, or occasionally my wife does not understand me, it’s over but we live together, The hymn sheet, modus operandi, is always the same.

Personally I think you are that sock that goes on and on without purpose save the odd cheap thrill, didn’t one of your clones start that chastity device thread a month or so ago...i now bneleive there are two of you clones, no matter. There is enough doubt within my pea brain to afford an answer to this thread.

So, you are a “normal” site user, and by that I mean >50% of your type inhabit most sites.

You define a relationship/bdsm as solely as having your man parts locked away in iron thorns. Wasn’t that a movie…Manparts Behind the Iron Mask.

To me you are just a bad stereotype and propagating false mythology as fact, and have no concept of what a relationship is. And you’re lucky to have your partner if what you say is true.

Personally I don’t see what the big deal is, if she will lock you in cuffs, then surely there is no problem locking up your man parts, it’s not like you are asking her to re-enact moby dick, or thrash you sideways with the kitchen sink, and being sold into slavery down the mines for shoe money. Have you tried enticing - bribing her with shoes and a new kitchen?



Cinnamongirl67 -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 6:29:02 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

Your type make up the bulk of these sites, then single men, then women like you, then single women, then couples. Most of us know all this.

No doubt you will approach your “online affairs” as single, or occasionally my wife does not understand me, it’s over but we live together, The hymn sheet, modus operandi, is always the same.

Personally I think you are that sock that goes on and on without purpose save the odd cheap thrill, didn’t one of your clones start that chastity device thread a month or so ago...i now bneleive there are two of you clones, no matter. There is enough doubt within my pea brain to afford an answer to this thread.

So, you are a “normal” site user, and by that I mean >50% of your type inhabit most sites.

You define a relationship/bdsm as solely as having your man parts locked away in iron thorns. Wasn’t that a movie…Manparts Behind the Iron Mask.

To me you are just a bad stereotype and propagating false mythology as fact, and have no concept of what a relationship is. And you’re lucky to have your partner if what you say is true.

Personally I don’t see what the big deal is, if she will lock you in cuffs, then surely there is no problem locking up your man parts, it’s not like you are asking her to re-enact moby dick, or thrash you sideways with the kitchen sink, and being sold into slavery down the mines for shoe money. Have you tried enticing - bribing her with shoes and a new kitchen?


ITs a miracle! I can actually understand your speech lingo. No muffins, no cake, no whine. Wow.
Cheers you crazy Scot.[:D]



WickedsDesire -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 7:15:46 AM)

Cinnamongirl67 I love that picture and thank you for sharing it with this site I declare you muffinium....wonders what your eye colour is as they are portals to the soul

I do not understand spoken/written Glaswegian or Robert Burns or misbegotten bad stereotypes

For the record, and to keep my post on topic, I meant typical not normal – normal does not exist in any format save the odd statistical anomaly.

flutters eyelashes @Cinnamongirl67 nevertheless.



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 9:00:04 AM)

quote:

if she will lock you in cuffs, then surely there is no problem locking up your man parts,

Except for the fact that she might want to make use of those man parts now and then.



Like2Hurt -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 12:42:51 PM)

You are right that this fantasy has taken over. I have never experienced an actual scene with a Domme. I'm terrified to experience rt but if my fantasies have taken over and it's all I dream about, should I go (with my wife or at least after a long discussion with her) to see if the real thing measures up to my fantasy?



Cinnamongirl67 -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 1:12:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

Cinnamongirl67 I love that picture and thank you for sharing it with this site I declare you muffinium....wonders what your eye colour is as they are portals to the soul

I do not understand spoken/written Glaswegian or Robert Burns or misbegotten bad stereotypes

For the record, and to keep my post on topic, I meant typical not normal – normal does not exist in any format save the odd statistical anomaly.

flutters eyelashes @Cinnamongirl67 nevertheless.


Awwww. Thank you friend. I enjoy the poetics. Blushes and glitters away to a butterfly bush.[:D] sounds pretty.

Poster, you will get all kinds of different opinions. This is just one. You and your wife together can probably figure that one out. I wish you the dry best of luck.



Cinnamongirl67 -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 1:17:02 PM)

Edited... Double post



LadyPact -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 1:40:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Like2Hurt
You are right that this fantasy has taken over. I have never experienced an actual scene with a Domme. I'm terrified to experience rt but if my fantasies have taken over and it's all I dream about, should I go (with my wife or at least after a long discussion with her) to see if the real thing measures up to my fantasy?

Well, since you said it's a hard limit for her and you just got busted for online interactions that betrayed her trust, if you don't talk to her about it first, I'd say you might as well find the divorce attorney. If you do anything else behind her back, I'd say you're probably screwed. The fantasy becoming more important than your wife is kind of a big deal. Just a thought but if the marriage is still being worked on at this time, maybe it's not time to run out to experience real time just now.

Even kinky couples sometimes put their kinks on hold if the relationship is in jeopardy. The higher priority might be to work things out with your wife, first.




dreamlady -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 3:36:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
quote:

ORIGINAL: Like2Hurt
You are right that this fantasy has taken over. I have never experienced an actual scene with a Domme. I'm terrified to experience rt but if my fantasies have taken over and it's all I dream about, should I go (with my wife or at least after a long discussion with her) to see if the real thing measures up to my fantasy?

Well, since you said it's a hard limit for her and you just got busted for online interactions that betrayed her trust, if you don't talk to her about it first, I'd say you might as well find the divorce attorney. If you do anything else behind her back, I'd say you're probably screwed. The fantasy becoming more important than your wife is kind of a big deal. Just a thought but if the marriage is still being worked on at this time, maybe it's not time to run out to experience real time just now.

Even kinky couples sometimes put their kinks on hold if the relationship is in jeopardy. The higher priority might be to work things out with your wife, first.

Reread Bolded line.

*Sigh* I have had close friends on both side of this marital crisis situation - and it IS of crisis proportions, kid yourself not - although they were married to others.

OP, let me repeat to you what my girlfriend confided to me. She stumbled upon two things on the p.c. One was a hidden graphics image (it had suddenly popped up out of nowhere) of a cuckolding scene. A bisexual threesome. The cuckolded male also happened to resemble her husband's physical features. (Sucking on a black bulldick.)

That wasn't shocking enough. In their SHARED e-mail account, was a confirmation link. For signing up on a swinger's local sex site. His profile had himself listed with "bisexual" orientation.

I shall never forget her pained expression. She could barely speak. She said it felt as if she had been sucker-punched in the solar plexus by her own husband, a man who had instantly become a total stranger to her, a man she no longer felt she could ever trust again.

Her immediate reaction was rage. Seething rage. She confronted him later than evening. Like a deer caught in the headlights, he tried to deny he knew anything, or how any of this stuff could have magically appeared on their computer. His playing stupid just made things worse, until he finally fessed up.

At some level OP, you wanted your wife to discover your transgressions. At some level, you also want to be punished for them. Punished and humiliated. Don't ask me how I know this.

What I can tell you is that YOU have a bloody festering wound that YOU want attended to, while your wife is psychologically bleeding to death from the jugular.

Did this story have a happy ending? Not really. Cuckolding was a hard limit, but they explored a few other things. She gave it her best shot for six months, then decided she wanted to find a "real" sub husband, a lover who could actually appreciate her without projecting a bunch of lame-arse FemDom porn fantasies upon her.

Btw WickedsDesire, you may be thinking of married vanilla dude into chastity, cuckolding and crossdressing.

DreamLady



Greta75 -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 4:25:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Like2Hurt
You are right that this fantasy has taken over. I have never experienced an actual scene with a Domme. I'm terrified to experience rt but if my fantasies have taken over and it's all I dream about, should I go (with my wife or at least after a long discussion with her) to see if the real thing measures up to my fantasy?

If you were my husband, I'd tell you to go find another woman, and find out, and don't wonder for life, if it measures up and if it's what you really want. Because when you make your choice, at least you can make your choice with full information at all without any wondering.

But different women are different in thinking.

If you can get your wife permission to do this, I think should definitely go experience your fantasy, and then decide if you will be able to give it up forever and be happy with your wife.

But if your wife is gonna react like, choose her or your fantasy.

Then...., I don't know...., are you prepared to lose her? I mean, alot of people give up alot of things for love. So you just need to decide if she's worth it. If not, then, release her, let her find someone new who can love her and appreciate her as she is.



Lucylastic -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 4:38:49 PM)

FR. The chap mailed me last night, and this is my response to his message and his other post here.
K first of all. Your Kids no matter what their age, do NOT need to see mom and dad playing chastity cage games, You are now a parent... act like one. Most men Ive known in chastity, dont go flashing their junk locked away around anyone not into the kink. Thousands of men are locked away and few people know it. Locking you up, and using sex as a weapon should not include the kids seeing it.
Im no prude, but if you cant keep your own sexual desires toned down when the kidlets are around...wellllllll then you really do need help.

If you are prepared to have multiple online affairs with women and only fantasise, you need to know that reality sucks donkey shit compared to online fantasies.
Yes, Ive been there and done that. for a long time too.
Except I had hands on and face to face experience. not just online domination
You will need to quit something.
If you are willing to lose your marriage over pure fantasy and sweet ignorance, that is ridiculous.
I totally agree with the ladies(as usual) you seem to just want someone to cater to your fantasies, you are not open to her interpretation of them....
Would you invite your wife to watch a fantasy scene on your computer?
Why would you invite her to watch another woman show her where she is "failing you" or how much you enjoy it?
If she is willing to go, thats one thing, but seriously what are you giving her as assurance that its worth her time and energy?

Supposing you get your fantasy fulfilled , and it becomes a reality, what are your expectations?




dreamlady -> RE: can I quit? (2/17/2016 4:41:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire
Your type make up the bulk of these sites, then single men, then women like you, then single women, then couples. Most of us know all this.

No doubt you will approach your “online affairs” as single, or occasionally my wife does not understand me, it’s over but we live together, The hymn sheet, modus operandi, is always the same.

Personally I think you are that sock that goes on and on without purpose save the odd cheap thrill, didn’t one of your clones start that chastity device thread a month or so ago...
So, you are a “normal” site user, and by that I mean >50% of your type inhabit most sites.

You define a relationship/bdsm as solely as having your man parts locked away in iron thorns. Wasn’t that a movie…Manparts Behind the Iron Mask.

To me you are just a bad stereotype and propagating false mythology as fact, and have no concept of what a relationship is. And you’re lucky to have your partner if what you say is true.

. . . Have you tried enticing - bribing her with shoes and a new kitchen?
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady

Btw WickedsDesire, you may be thinking of married vanilla dude into chastity, cuckolding and crossdressing.

On second thought, not a helpful reminder. That would be about a third of the men on this site, half of the newbie male subs, roughly a tenth of the male s-type OPs.*

* Disclaimer: Guestimates POOMA

DreamLady



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