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LadyPact -> RE: Seeing your wife having sex with another (2/19/2016 7:33:02 AM)
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ORIGINAL: subsations
LadyPact - Thank you so much for the detailed and thoughtful reply. You read the situation perfectly and touched upon many of the considerations, dynamics, thoughts, and feelings....as to the age and little pill - they continue to work well and are an open and regular part of our life together.
The reply's not a problem at all. This is kind of one of my areas. [:)]
Definite kudos on treating a medical problem with a medical solution. You'd be surprised how many people don't, even with the common knowledge that's out there.
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The mix of feelings are very complicated for me and there is no single path..."seeing" is both potentially visual as part of me would love seeing her receiving pleasure and in fact, knowing "it was just sex" may be the easiest thing for me to embrace...and while there would be pleasure in seeing her receiving pleasure, there would no doubt e stimulation in there for me as well....on one hand, I could envision being an observer and on the other end of the spectrum, I could envision being a participant. In mind and fantasy, this ranges from jointly pleasuring her to submissive cuckold pleasing them both....and things in between. As you astutely observe, my bi-sexual leanings are wrapped up in this, but I am not sure how closely they are intertwined with the intention of my post. Prior to being married, I explored D/s with a Dominant couple of men and I enjoyed it - in fact, I find myself thinking more and more about it...there is definitely part of the m-m dynamic that is very arousing to me within D/s - I do not find myself at all drawn to men outside D/s, but am very much drawn to it within D/s....very complex for me.
And what if she wants to date people completely without you? Depending on the type of person she is, she may not want to feel like she's the vehicle for fantasy fulfillment. If it's really about HER sexual happiness, that might mean leaving you out of it.
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Regarding my wife's feelings on this...well, I just don't really know - she lived much of her life in poly relationships and during our marriage has expressed interest in opening to others - although this has not been the case for a long time - in fact, she has said that she really does not want others now....throughout, she has always been deeply respectful of our relationship and our love and I treasure that and respect it - although, I do wonder whether she is repressing part of her core self and that is a concern for me....just as the potential of opening up our relationship gives me pause - and yes, I have read many of the poly posts and appreciate some of the very common jealously challenges....
This is probably going to sound a little odd. A lot of people look at the monogamy and poly things as the two versions. I tend to add in a third called poly optional. These are the folks who function in either type of relationship style. Unlike the folks who are what some folks call "hard wired" for one or the other, the optional folks don't feel like something's missing in monogamous relationships and don't feel like their mate should be just theirs when they are poly. (Biggest mistake some folks can make if they try to change one of the hard wired folks because that's just a bad situation waiting to happen.) From what you are telling me, your wife sounds poly optional.
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Knowing my wife, I think random sexual encounters would not be her first preference and that she would gravitate towards a more intimate relationship....personally, I would be less threatened by the sexual relationship....
That's not terribly uncommon. In my opinion, more women than men lean toward sex in relationships, rather than random encounters. I can't tell you if a part of that still comes from societal influences or not. I just know it's what I see.
Emotional attachment tends to be a much bigger deal when the spouse has feelings for the other person. It was way harder on MP (that's my other half) to watch me actually be in love with tk or pet. That can be some scary stuff right there. When you're doing that additional reading on poly, start looking for this word "compersion". It's kind of the holy grail for poly people. Basically, it's the joy that some people get because they are happy that their partner also loves somebody else.
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Again, I am very grateful for your reply and others...I was not looking for a "go for it" response, but rather feedback and the opportunity to communicate on a very sensitive and important topic to me - thank you!
While I'm absolutely NOT the most helpful or "nice" person around these boards, I do try to lend a hand when I can. There are several posters who I also would like to see on this thread because they've got the experience with their versions of poly that work really well for all of the participants involved. Let's cross our fingers. [;)]
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