Can you write it better?

Can you write it better? (Full Version)

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DungeonDaddy67 -> Can you write it better? (2/22/2016 5:16:55 PM)
Provided one on one consultancy to remote end users, upgraded over 4000 plus computer interacted with numerous computer platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Ability to build rapport and elicit any problem details I need someone that can write this sentence better than I. I've developed this for a friends resume. I think honestly its too wordy. but I am not sure how I can better convey the information.

AAkasha -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/22/2016 7:17:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DungeonDaddy67 Provided one on one consultancy to remote end users, upgraded over 4000 plus computer interacted with numerous computer platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Ability to build rapport and elicit any problem details I need someone that can write this sentence better than I. I've developed this for a friends resume. I think honestly its too wordy. but I am not sure how I can better convey the information. If the rest of your information is as grammatically incorrect as the above, re-writing won't help. You don't need style, you need grammar help. It's awful. It's not too wordy, it's just plain wrong.

satanscharmer -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/22/2016 7:51:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DungeonDaddy67 Provided one on one consultancy to remote end users, upgraded over 4000 plus computer interacted with numerous computer platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Ability to build rapport and elicit any problem details It definitely needs work. I'm having most trouble with the portion I bolded - it doesn't quite make sense. I'm not sure if you mean "upgraded over 4000 computers" or "4000 Plus". Provided consultations to remote end users and upgraded over 4000 computers with numerous platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Or Provided consultations to remote end users and upgrades to 4000 Plus computers with numerous platforms in a multilayered windows environment. I'm not a computer expert. Or resume-builder. Or an English major. Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Ugh. I'm not even Spider-Man.

AAkasha -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/22/2016 8:06:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: satanscharmer quote: ORIGINAL: DungeonDaddy67 Provided one on one consultancy to remote end users, upgraded over 4000 plus computer interacted with numerous computer platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Ability to build rapport and elicit any problem details It definitely needs work. I'm having most trouble with the portion I bolded - it doesn't quite make sense. I'm not sure if you mean "upgraded over 4000 computers" or "4000 Plus". Provided consultations to remote end users and upgraded over 4000 computers with numerous platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Or Provided consultations to remote end users and upgrades to 4000 Plus computers with numerous platforms in a multilayered windows environment. I'm not a computer expert. Or resume-builder. Or an English major. Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Ugh. I'm not even Spider-Man. "Over" is a spacial measurement, "More than" is a numerical measurement. "Provided one on one consultancy to remote end users, upgraded over 4000 plus computer interacted with numerous computer platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Ability to build rapport and elicit any problem details" Try this: Provided remote consultations for end users, upgrading more than 4,000 computers across multi-layered windows environments. Demonstrated ability to build rapport and expose additional potential problems

ThatDizzyChick -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/22/2016 8:54:17 PM)
What she said

DocStrange -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/22/2016 9:07:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DungeonDaddy67 Provided one on one consultancy to remote end users, upgraded over 4000 plus computer interacted with numerous computer platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Ability to build rapport and elicit any problem details I need someone that can write this sentence better than I. I've developed this for a friends resume. I think honestly its too wordy. but I am not sure how I can better convey the information. I would seriously suggest going to a professional resume writer. Or even Google the web on resume writing. There are hundreds of resume templates for Microsoft word off the web. I prefer bulleted resumes. They are quick and to the point. Something like this • Consultant for remote end users • Skilled at building rapport while diving into technical details of problems • Upgraded over 4000+ computers • Experienced with numerous computer platforms in a multi-layered windows environment

HandThatControls -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/23/2016 1:05:13 AM)
Between AAkasha and DocStrange you appear to have two very workable solutions. Nothing for me to see here, moving along.

MrRodgers -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/23/2016 3:20:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DocStrange quote: ORIGINAL: DungeonDaddy67 Provided one on one consultancy to remote end users, upgraded over 4000 plus computer interacted with numerous computer platforms in a multilayered windows environment. Ability to build rapport and elicit any problem details I need someone that can write this sentence better than I. I've developed this for a friends resume. I think honestly its too wordy. but I am not sure how I can better convey the information. I would seriously suggest going to a professional resume writer. Or even Google the web on resume writing. There are hundreds of resume templates for Microsoft word off the web. I prefer bulleted resumes. They are quick and to the point. Something like this • Consultant for remote end users • Skilled at building rapport while diving into technical details of problems • Upgraded over 4000+ computers • Experienced with numerous computer platforms in a multi-layered windows environment YES. A close relative was a technical recruiter for 20 years and he told me that HR reps skim over the highlights of resumes and often speed read.

DocStrange -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/23/2016 2:42:27 PM)
Some More Resume Writing tips: • Write Action statements • Be brief and to the point • The point of your resume is to get you a chance for an interview – Not tell your whole story, not get the job. The interview gets the job. Instead of writing: • Upgraded 4000+ computers Consider this: • Executed upgrade of 4000+ computers on a tight schedule • Your action statements are generating interest for the interviewer to select you • Do not lie, overstate or exaggerate what you did • Be prepared to talk, what is it that YOU did that delivered the project on time or ahead of schedule. • Be prepared to talk what YOU did to resolve problems. • Be prepared to talk how YOU motivated the team to get the work done. • Being part of a successful team will not be good enough to separate you from the bunch. • They will want to know how YOU facilitated the work to happen versus the team/business • In the above example, what did YOU do that enabled success? • Anyone can upgrade a computer. The interviewer is going to look for how you did it and why you were successful doing it. What were the hurdles you needed to overcome. These are brief tips. I wish I have the time to write more. Resume writing is a talent many do not have. You may also see if any community colleges offer a resume writing course. Also look for Job Fairs. Many will have Interviewing and Resume writing experts to talk with. Bring a copy of your resume so they can critique it. I probably read close to 300 resumes per year. On average 10 make the cut, and 2 end up with interviews. Job market is tough right now. I am not trying to discourage you, I am merely pointing out that your resume must stick out from others to give you the best chance. A resume should be 1 page, 2 at most if you have many years of experience.

DungeonDaddy67 -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/23/2016 4:29:28 PM)
Thank you for the input. This position that I am writing for, the employee is upgrading software, has just been made team lead and is in a contract for about 4 months. He wants to make sure when the contract is over that he has a resume that will give him more, than the fact that he is working for a company that has a highly respected name.

DocStrange -> RE: Can you write it better? (2/23/2016 5:46:36 PM)
Your welcome. Good luck for the employee

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