Dilemma with Consensual Slavery

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SuaveGentleman -> Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/25/2016 10:00:02 AM)
Ok here is a dilemma I have felt often. One one hand, I am a very independent person. I like to do things on my own. It makes me feel re-assured, happy that things are getting done right and some weird satisfaction that I don't someone else to puck up after me (which might not be the healthiest of reasons but well, I felt it so I am being honest about it). Additionally, I am a very caring person. With my sub I have always rather felt that she should not have to do anything difficult or complex, that I should take care of these things for her, while she can handle certain things that, though I am capable of doing, perhaps am not the best at - eg, cooking, keeping the house really tidy ( I do a much better job than most boys), keeping in touch with a few relations that matter (I am admittedly horrible at regularly calling people up). Now cross this with the expectation sub shave of having to do things to please their dominant. Of course the level of "things to do" changes, but sometimes I have heard the comment that I am too protecting and sheltering, that they would feel happier if they could do much more. I want to ask them to do things, but then I feel the strange strain that "I should have just done that myself, there was no need to burden her with this". If anyone out here feels likewise, how have you balanced these 2 sides? - asn

BitaTruble -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/25/2016 10:20:57 AM)
If you want her to do it, just tell her. She's not a mind reader. If you want to do it yourself, then do it yourself. The D-types get the option. Don't 'not' tell her to do it because you feel guilty. It's okay to be the dom. ;) She likes that about ya. You have no idea how frustrating it is to have to look at your dominant serving himself and thinking.. "damn it! that's MY job!!!" It took me a long time to get over what "I" thought "my" job was and what the D-type 'knew' my job was.. so.. make it clear on what 'her' job is.. then let her do it! Is her job to have you sit while she fetches the soda or is it her job to sit while you fetch your own soda? Figure it out then let her know.

LadyPact -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/25/2016 11:54:57 AM)
Ha ha ha. I'm not nearly this nice about it. We have task X. I consider myself smart enough that if somebody is better at something than me, I will get the hell out of the way. If I'm better at it, I'm not accepting less than the quality of job I would have done. (I have posts on this site about the proper way to wash the dishes that are darn near legendary. It's like a running gag around my house.) With me, it's not a D/s thing. It's a people thing. When one of the fellow forum members visited our home last summer, wanna know who cooked? He did because he's better at it. So, I have to mix this personality trait with something that's called "accepting service with grace". There has to be some things, even if it's just a few, that the s-type does to the same level of quality or better than you. Start with those and work your way up. By the way, you're a male Dom. If you like certain things that you would prefer to do for yourself because you find them to be what some folks call pink jobs and blue jobs? Believe it or not, you get to do that. I know Leathermen that wouldn't dream of letting their female s haul the gear, open their own car door, or pull out their own chair at a restaurant. One of the perks of being the D-type is you get to write the rules for your own relationship.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/25/2016 11:58:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman Now cross this with the expectation sub shave of having to do things to please their dominant. Of course the level of "things to do" changes, but sometimes I have heard the comment that I am too protecting and sheltering, that they would feel happier if they could do much more. I want to ask them to do things, but then I feel the strange strain that "I should have just done that myself, there was no need to burden her with this". You don't need her to do those things, as you could have just done them yourself. But what does she need? She needs to serve you. It's why she's your submissive/slave to begin with. If she didn't need to serve you, there would be no reason to be submissive to you all the time, she could just have her kinky bedroom games and let that be that, while normal life was... well normal. So she needs to serve you, but you don't need her to take care of you and could just as well do it yourself. But do you need her to not take care of you? If you deny her the opportunity to do things for you that you could have easily done yourself, you're denying her an opportunity to serve... denying her an opportunity to be herself. So the question is: Do you need to do these things for yourself? Or is it just a matter of 'might as well do them yourself'? Because if it's the second one, and not the first one, the way you take care of her is by allowing her to take care of these things for you, because doing so is a natural expression of who she is. If you have no need to do it for yourself and are doing it just so you won't burden her... maybe your mindset should become: "I might as well let her do it for me, if it's fulfilling for her to do so." instead of "I might as well do it myself, and not try to burden her.". She doesn't need you to not burden her. What she needs is the opportunity to serve you. Serving you isn't a burden to her, it's a natural expression of who she is. Being expected to not serve you is what she's experiencing as being the burden. Of course, if you do need to do it for yourself, because that's just the way you want things to be, then by all means, tell her that whatever it is is off limits to her. If she feels uncomfortable with that, because she wants to do it for you, explain that doing it for you isn't service, and that if she wants to serve you, she'll sit back (or do whatever it is you want her to do instead) and accept with grace and appreciation that you'll take care of it for her. Serving you in that case means suppressing her urge to do it for you. You both have things you need to do in respect to each other. Figuring out what those needs are, and how to balance them is what your job as her Dominant is.

itsSIRtou -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/25/2016 12:10:21 PM)
I agree with bt..... to which I will add it sounds like u need to get a handle on who u are too. YOU are the leader. BE the leader. if u don't like being the leader then u have an issue. As a Dom, I often say its a kind of an adult "simon says" game. u say, she does,...that's it. but the operative phrase here is "u say"- because if u do not say, she's not supposed to do. and seriously? that look on her face when u do something she feels is her "job" to do for u is not good. ......let her do for u.

DesFIP -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/25/2016 12:45:34 PM)
Not all s types are service oriented. I'm not. I'm in it for the emotional transparency but if he wants to carry the laundry upstairs for me, I'm happy. So op, if you don't want your partner to feel she has to fuss over you, then just make this clear during the dating stage. If it turns out she needs to do that, then you folks aren't a good match. It's that easy.

OsideGirl -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/25/2016 1:19:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman With my sub I have always rather felt that she should not have to do anything difficult or complex, quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact If you like certain things that you would prefer to do for yourself because you find them to be what some folks call pink jobs and blue jobs? While I see both sides of this, it also frustrates me. I'll start by saying that M mandated that I don't open my own door, that he is the one that takes the garbage out and I run the house. The idea that because I'm female I shouldn't be asked to do something difficult or complex, IMO, means that you don't value WHO I am, you value WHAT I am. I'm more interested in being with someone that recognizes my strengths and utilizes them to make OUR lives better. Thankfully, M utilizes my linear logic, problem solving skills and business acumen.

SuaveGentleman -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/26/2016 9:07:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact By the way, you're a male Dom. If you like certain things that you would prefer to do for yourself because you find them to be what some folks call pink jobs and blue jobs? Believe it or not, you get to do that. I know Leathermen that wouldn't dream of letting their female s haul the gear, open their own car door, or pull out their own chair at a restaurant. One of the perks of being the D-type is you get to write the rules for your own relationship. I dont know about pink or blue.. in general what I was trying to convey is that I have a weird mix of feelings. I have the urge to do everything myself because I am strong and I dont need to depend on anyone else. Coupled with a sub that makes me... an overprotective daddy? My wonderment was precisely to avoid the feeling on the sub's side "I wish my owner would let me serve him than just do everything by himself." - asn

SuaveGentleman -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/26/2016 9:23:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Not all s types are service oriented. I'm not. I'm in it for the emotional transparency but if he wants to carry the laundry upstairs for me, I'm happy. So op, if you don't want your partner to feel she has to fuss over you, then just make this clear during the dating stage. If it turns out she needs to do that, then you folks aren't a good match. It's that easy. The problem is a little more tortuous. I would like her to serve me, I love the thought of a sub who derives deep pleasure from serving and pleasing. But when the time comes to actually delegate her to it.. I feel this strange pull back telling me "this is your job why are you making a woman do it?" I guess its a layover of the way I was brought up to take care of myself and not need anyone. - asn

SuaveGentleman -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/26/2016 9:45:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar You don't need her to do those things, as you could have just done them yourself. But what does she need? She needs to serve you. It's why she's your submissive/slave to begin with. If she didn't need to serve you, there would be no reason to be submissive to you all the time, she could just have her kinky bedroom games and let that be that, while normal life was... well normal. So she needs to serve you, but you don't need her to take care of you and could just as well do it yourself. But do you need her to not take care of you? If you deny her the opportunity to do things for you that you could have easily done yourself, you're denying her an opportunity to serve... denying her an opportunity to be herself. So the question is: Do you need to do these things for yourself? Or is it just a matter of 'might as well do them yourself'? Because if it's the second one, and not the first one, the way you take care of her is by allowing her to take care of these things for you, because doing so is a natural expression of who she is. If you have no need to do it for yourself and are doing it just so you won't burden her... maybe your mindset should become: "I might as well let her do it for me, if it's fulfilling for her to do so." instead of "I might as well do it myself, and not try to burden her.". She doesn't need you to not burden her. What she needs is the opportunity to serve you. Serving you isn't a burden to her, it's a natural expression of who she is. Being expected to not serve you is what she's experiencing as being the burden. Of course, if you do need to do it for yourself, because that's just the way you want things to be, then by all means, tell her that whatever it is is off limits to her. If she feels uncomfortable with that, because she wants to do it for you, explain that doing it for you isn't service, and that if she wants to serve you, she'll sit back (or do whatever it is you want her to do instead) and accept with grace and appreciation that you'll take care of it for her. Serving you in that case means suppressing her urge to do it for you. You both have things you need to do in respect to each other. Figuring out what those needs are, and how to balance them is what your job as her Dominant is. Thank you, I like the way you have put it.

LadyPact -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/26/2016 9:45:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl While I see both sides of this, it also frustrates me. I'll start by saying that M mandated that I don't open my own door, that he is the one that takes the garbage out and I run the house. The idea that because I'm female I shouldn't be asked to do something difficult or complex, IMO, means that you don't value WHO I am, you value WHAT I am. I'm more interested in being with someone that recognizes my strengths and utilizes them to make OUR lives better. Thankfully, M utilizes my linear logic, problem solving skills and business acumen. Oh, no. I'm not relating it to difficult or complex by any means. MP and I aren't a D/s couple at all but one of his things is good, old-fashioned heavy lifting. It's not that he thinks I can't do it. He perfectly well knows that I can. It's just how he was raised. It all evens out though because there are things I won't "let" him do, either. While we are one of those D/D couples that are just funny as hell because of the way we interact, we definitely do strengths and weaknesses. There are things he's just plain better at and there are things that I'm just plain better at. Unlike most married people, due to his career, we have had periods that each of us were doing all of the jobs. We were just doing them on different continents. [:)]

ThatDizzyChick -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/26/2016 12:17:05 PM)
quote: this is your job why are you making a woman do it? So basically what you are saying is you are having trouble shedding your sexist attitude towards women.

DesFIP -> RE: Dilemma with Consensual Slavery (2/26/2016 7:41:29 PM)
There must be some things that you don't want to do. Or that you don't feel you have to do. Or alternately, that you like to do when you have time but not when you're busy. So make the rules based on that. If you have a couple of complex dishes that you enjoy making, do them when you have time. But if you know you're working late, tell her to have dinner cooked for when you get home. If she gets home early on Tuesdays, then that's when she can make your favorite meal for you. But if you get home early, then you do it. It doesn't have to be an all the time thing. It can easily be day by day.

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