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Breaking a sub - 2/26/2016 7:14:54 AM

betataster

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This one could be subtitled "submissive versus self hating". I'm going to leave this as a kind of an open question because I'm not totally sure how I want to word it.

I'll just say that at 63, I'm finally pursuing the sexual lifestyle that I've fantasized since puberty, submissive. However, I am mentally very strong, Alpha in my lifestyle, and far from self hating. I'm not looking for sympathy but I had a very difficult ride, coming from an abusive early childhood to an abusive orphanage, to early involvement with drugs and alcohol (Yay '60's) to long-term involvement with an abusive cult. I've been f***ed up and f***ed with. Through it all, I kept my sense of self, my integrity, and made a lot with what I had to work with. More than a decade ago, I decided to be stop being f***ed with. And spent 10 years recovering from the first 50. Now I'm ready to stop being f***ed up. I'm looking for a relationship but I'm not looking to move back to f***ed with, to an extent, and definitely not f***ed up.

So my question is how much of this lifestyle or how much of what a Domme is looking for has to do with f***ing up the male. I don't mind being f***ed with in the context of an exciting relationship but it will always be with the full knowledge that I'm being f***ed with by my own consent. And I can walk away from it at any time. I would love some input on this because if this starts to go towards being f***ed up, I'll go back to the vanilla.

< Message edited by betataster -- 2/26/2016 7:52:41 AM >

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/27/2016 5:49:39 AM

betataster

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So it's way too late to formally end my above rant so I will end it here as I neglected to do so in the original post. Probably because I was too busy ranting. I don't normally rant. In fact I'm the last person that would rant in a public forum or anywhere else for that matter since I'm a bit of a self control freak and I don't think rants serve much purpose as folks just tune them out. So that's the last rant will hear from me. Probably.

/rant

< Message edited by betataster -- 2/27/2016 5:51:00 AM >

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There is no best way, best political stance, best religion, best lifestyle. There is only how we treat one another. - betataster 2016

Nonsense, there's no such thing as a curse. - Famous last words #262

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/27/2016 4:50:42 PM

dreamlady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: betataster
This one could be subtitled "submissive versus self hating". I'm going to leave this as a kind of an open question because I'm not totally sure how I want to word it.

So my question is how much of this lifestyle or how much of what a Domme is looking for has to do with f***ing up the male. I don't mind being f***ed with in the context of an exciting relationship but it will always be with the full knowledge that I'm being f***ed with by my own consent. And I can walk away from it at any time. I would love some input on this because if this starts to go towards being f***ed up, I'll go back to the vanilla.

Honestly, I'm not being accusatory, but I think that you've seen too much FemDom porn and mistakenly gotten the impression that Dommes go around committing sadistic (physically, and psychologically with humiliation & degradation) acts upon submissives-slaves against the s-type's will.

You have beginner's anxiety, and understandably so. Unless YOU want to be treated in what would outwardly appear to be an abusive fashion, you won't (unless you permit it, either explicitly, implicitly or with complicity). If actual/non-consensual abuse occurs, then it's not BDSM.
(In fact, if you hire a BDSM provider, you negotiate how you want the scene to unfold, and if you're dealing with a legitimate pro, she's not going to do anything to you that you don't want to pay for.)

I'm not saying that you will NEVER run into a nutcase -- but that could happen anywhere, in any walk of life. (And from the sounds of it, it already has to you repeatedly in the vanilla world.)

If it's any consolation to you, rest assured that there is a saying among Dominants that we don't break our toys. Some of us will share, some won't. (Again, this would have to be consensually agreed-upon by all parties concerned.)

If you have a masochistic streak, you should keep in mind that hurt (feeling pain) is not the same as damage. I don't know of any experienced, non-fantasist Dominants who would intentionally damage their subs-slaves.

I will impart this much to you. I may not be "typical" - and one of the reasons why I call myself a Domme-leaning Switch is to distance myself from sadistic female Tops (as a filtering mechanism, because this automatic presumption that ALL Dommes are sadists tends to attract the wrong kind of men, not because I have anything against other Dommes) - but I see no purpose in "breaking a sub."

Let me see whether I can express this with brevity.
1. I don't run a boot camp and I am not a drill sergeant. Does nothing for me and serves me no purpose.
2. There are more efficient and effective ways of peeling away the layers of onionskin than to break down in order to build back up.
3. I'm also not of the mind to get into "obedience training," nor do I subscribe to a [humiliation &] punishment dynamic. Teaching, instructing, guiding for educational purposes -- those are separate forms of behavior modification that will reap optimum, long-lasting results than will severe training/conditioning methods.

DreamLady

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/27/2016 5:19:19 PM

betataster

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Thank you, DreamLady, for taking the time to address my concerns. That certainly assuages them somewhat. Believe it or not, I don't get these strange ideas from watching p***. I know that's fantasy and/or staged BS. I got them from looking at the profiles on CS. And not proDommes either. I'm sure that you've seen the kind of profiles I'm referring to, I'm obviously not referring to someone such as yourself.

Listen, if someone's into self-abnegation and they want to find someone who will make nothing of them, then I feel sorry for them but if that's their thing... And for every doee, there is no doubt a doer. Doesn't mean I have to go see them.

And you are correct, its noob trepidation. But I'm not a person that lets trepidation stop him from doing things. I'm meeting someone tomorrow that I've been talking to by text and phone and we'll see what happens. The small things we have been doing over the phone and text have been exciting and I'm curious to see where this goes.

Good luck with your search. And thanks again for your help.

< Message edited by betataster -- 2/27/2016 5:27:34 PM >

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There is no best way, best political stance, best religion, best lifestyle. There is only how we treat one another. - betataster 2016

Nonsense, there's no such thing as a curse. - Famous last words #262

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/27/2016 5:47:30 PM

dreamlady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: betataster
Thank you, DreamLady, for taking the time to address my concerns. That certainly assuages them somewhat. Believe it or not, I don't get these strange ideas from watching p***. I know that's fantasy and/or staged BS. I got them from looking at the profiles on CS. And not proDommes either. I'm sure that you've seen the kind of profiles I'm referring to, I'm not obviously not referring to someone such as yourself.

Listen, if someone's into self-abnegation and they want to find someone who will make nothing of them, then I feel sorry for them but if that's their thing... And for every doee, there is no doubt a doer. Doesn't mean I have to go see them.

And you are correct, its noob trepidation. But I'm not a person that lets trepidation stop him from doing things. I'm meeting someone tomorrow that I've been talking to by text and phone and we'll see what happens. The small things we have been doing over the phone and text have been exciting and I'm curious to see where this goes.

Good luck with your search. And thanks again for your help.

You're welcome, any time. This site (as well as others where available women are greatly outnumbered by men seeking them on line) is well-known for having a glut of fake female profiles. No doubt many of the ones you've read are not *real* and are merely figments of overactive (primarily male) imaginations.

This isn't foolproof by any means, but make a habit of checking for chronologically spaced-apart journal entries (where you can kill two birds with one stone by weeding out the chronic complainers), then take note of any forum posts (ditto). One post containing an Intro isn't enough, and a few posts aren't enough to go by either, but chances are that a fake personage isn't going to take the time to make a lot of forum posts over a period of time in order to legitimize a fake female profile, especially not posts that contain a certain amount of content that lends insight into that person's character (assuming it's not a troll posting troll-like content).

Photos, as you've probably discerned, can be misleading. The presence or absence of a personal photo is neither here nor there, with all the stolen Internet pics floating about. Posed and/or artsy professional-looking photos can be a dead giveaway, not so much in terms of veracity but for a number of telltale signs of incompatibility.

Best of luck to you with your endeavors. If nothing else, it will help get your feet wet and more into the swing of things, or else better prepare you for the next occasion, and keep you on your toes.

DreamLady

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Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/27/2016 6:20:59 PM

betataster

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@ DreamLady. Good advice all. Thanks again.

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There is no best way, best political stance, best religion, best lifestyle. There is only how we treat one another. - betataster 2016

Nonsense, there's no such thing as a curse. - Famous last words #262

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/27/2016 8:18:10 PM

DesFIP

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In addition, if you aren't attracted to the kinds of people you fear getting involved with, then it's a non issue. If however, you have a history of only getting involved with people who are bad for you, then you'll still be attracted to them here.

I don't worry about this because I don't find these kinds of people attractive. I listen to my gut. I have good instincts when it comes to others.

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/28/2016 2:51:32 AM

betataster

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

In addition, if you aren't attracted to the kinds of people you fear getting involved with, then it's a non issue. If however, you have a history of only getting involved with people who are bad for you, then you'll still be attracted to them here.

I don't worry about this because I don't find these kinds of people attractive. I listen to my gut. I have good instincts when it comes to others.

Nor do I, nor do I. I had no control over the family I was born into. I had no control over the abusive environment I was thrown into before I was 6 when the state took me away from that family. I did my drinking and drugging with good folks, some of them friends to this day. I just made bad choices during that period and did stupid things. I was indeed sucked up by a cult at a time when I needed help. But guess what, I got the help I needed. I didn't kill myself. Or anything else stupid. Of course, the cult took my beloved wife of eight years and the mother of my child from me when I began to move away from it by forcing her to make a choice that no one should have to make. But that's what cults do.

But as to my selection of people that I let close to me, I think I've done pretty well there. So on that, no worries.

I guess the main worry I am expressing in this post is if the community that I am considering joining is based on an unhealthy, to me, subjugation of the human spirit, not simply fun things to do in the bedroom or related to a relationship. Because my spirit remained strong throughout, and if anything, I became stronger, very strong mentally and spiritually.

< Message edited by betataster -- 2/28/2016 2:58:48 AM >

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There is no best way, best political stance, best religion, best lifestyle. There is only how we treat one another. - betataster 2016

Nonsense, there's no such thing as a curse. - Famous last words #262

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/28/2016 8:14:34 PM

littleclip

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most of those Domme porn are made for a set audience so take them with a grain of salt. you should ask yourself what it is you want in your realtionsip or dynamic with your sub/slave how you want to be served called ect. do you like humiliating others, forced feminization on males, leading you property on a leash. there is no one way of doing this lifestyle so find what you like and want and make it yours.
once you do that you will find a sub that will offer their submission to you that fills that for you.
i am a service oriented slave i enjoy cleaning and cooking for my owner i massage her and help her relax after a long day i enjoy being led on a leash by my owner, and my owner enjoys me doing it all for her. so go to some local munches and Mast groups learn what of this that we do you enjoy and want to include and have fun

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RE: Breaking a sub - 2/28/2016 8:17:04 PM

ThatDizzyChick

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quote:

So my question is how much of this lifestyle or how much of what a Domme is looking for has to do with f***ing up the male.

That's up to the two of them to decide.

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RE: Breaking a sub - 3/22/2016 3:17:35 PM

sub2DivineOne

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Thank you for posting this response, dreamlady. This thread and your response caught my eye. You offered wisdom and clarity for some of us that are actually paying attention, and open to growth. I appreciated reading this.

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RE: Breaking a sub - 6/13/2016 1:29:30 PM

bduduty

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OP:

Your post to me speaks of the fundamental dilemma of any sub, namely fear of trust.

There's many different particulars about being a submissive depending on what the people involved want out of the situation, particularly the submissive themselves. But any definition of submission means giving up some control.

A close friend of mine likes to say, "If you want to make a human being afraid, there are three main areas to do it: safety, approval, and control."

Giving up control is scary, really scary. Surrender is a journey all on its own. This is the burden of being a submissive. It's the ugly side, the uncomfortable side, the difficult side. It's also the most, forgive me for not having a better term, spiritually rewarding side of being a submissive, as practicing surrender helps you let go and be less disturbed by life and death themselves.

The first step to a D/s relationship is finding a partner you trust. Being a submissive doesn't mean you are submissive to everyone. It means you find a very special person, or group of people, whom you can absolutely trust with your safety, approval, and control.

This journey is going to test you. Old traumas will surface. I recommend meditation to anyone, simply because meditation is the direct practice of surrender to "what is as it is." Those old traumas are only there because you've yet to feel them completely, and meditation is the practice of doing that.

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RE: Breaking a sub - 6/13/2016 11:15:25 PM

DarkSteven

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A Domme is a woman who controls her relationship.

What is she going to do with that power? If she's in it for the long term, she's going to build up her sub, push him, get him to break some bad habits, etc.

A D/s relationship is like a blend of vanilla relationship with kink thrown in, and a parenting relationship. I'm not going to tell you that abusive parents don't exist, but the healthy ones outnumber them.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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