UllrsIshtar
Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: EvilSadist77b
1) As many have correctly pointed out I can just do kink when I haven't got custody for now, but who knows what the future holds? It would be prudent to think about what to do and read the good advice of people who've dealt with this situation.
Again, what is it exactly that you are doing right now, which you picture can't be done around her when she's older?
There's no way to answer how to handle things when she's older, when we don't know what 'things' are.
quote:
ORIGINAL: EvilSadist77b
2) Obviously the question won't arise for many years but eventually, when she's older... should I tell her?
No you shouldn't tell her.
Or at the very least, you shouldn't talk to kink about her until she's old enough that you're not just discussing sex (birds and bees) with her, but you're also willing to discuss your personal sex life with her should she care to ask you about it.
At that point you should implement a "don't ask questions you don't want the answers to" policy (which I advice regarding regular sex life as well). It basically comes down to: if she asks, and really wants to know, be open and honest without being excessive with the details. If she doesn't ask, don't bring it up.
Let her find her own comfort level on how much she really wants to know.
There a father/son who both attend out local BDSM club. They both play there in public, while the other is present, with different people. They obviously both know and are comfortable to know.
Other kids will not want to know, and so they won't ask.
quote:
ORIGINAL: EvilSadist77b
2) As I hinted above, it's not all about play. BDSM extends beyond the bedroom in a relationship for me but I certainly have no time for male supremacy (there's no correlation between gender and D/s role!) and want to keep my little girl away from traditional gender roles. Has anyone managed to square that circle?
We're in a joint custody situation as well. We leave overt protocols to when the kids aren't here. When they're here, certain things stay in place, like the fact that I defer to their father when he makes a decision.
It's been explained to them that the reason this is the case, is because it works for us. Certain things are my domain, other things are their fathers domain, and we don't contradict each other when it comes to decisions made by the other one on stuff that's their domain.
For us, that falls into traditional gender roles. He's the breadwinner, I run the house. But it's been explained to the kids that the reason for this isn't because that's the way it should be, but rather that's the way it is because it's how it's best for us.
It's been explained to them that for other couples, other things work better, and so that a man could be a house husband, while the woman works, or that both are equal partners whom both work and divide the household labor.
They accept and understand that very easily.
Just because we're setting a 'traditional' gender division example doesn't mean that they're assuming that that's the 'right' way. They're aware of other options, and so far neither of them (boy and a girl) seem to be drawn to traditional gender roles.
The key seems to be that you emphasis that the reason your house runs the way it does is because that's how it runs best for you both, but that the fact that this happens to be correlated to traditional gender roles has to do with who you both are as individual people, and that it's got nothing to do with your gender.
The most important thing you can do is make sure that your child sees that you're not ashamed of who you are. It's fine to keep certain things out of view when they're not yet ready for it, but never act like you're hiding some dirty secret that they're not supposed to know about. Doing that will have them grow up feeling like it's somehow wrong, and bad, to be yourself, which isn't a message you want to pass on.
< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 3/17/2016 3:29:15 PM >
_____________________________
I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for
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