A typical situation (Full Version)

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Greta75 -> A typical situation (3/16/2016 11:09:15 PM)

I am pondering about this.

A friend of mine, married his soul mate. Outside of the bedroom, they are perfect twins, insync, he absolutely loves her.

But along the way, she just completely lost any interest in sex, for as long as more than 10 years ago, even before they had their first child, he said it started happening within the second year of their marriage. She's not denying him sex. But she just doesn't respond anymore and just lay there like she's bored and wanting him to get done and over with. He feels like his raping her all the time, because she's just not enjoying it or even responding.

The crazy part is, all he wants to do is please her, but when he ask her what can he do to make sex exciting for her again. She said nothing, it's not him, she just said her desire for sex has just completely vanished and disappeared. And just don't feel any desire for sex at all, anymore.

My typical advice is, "You're not sexually compatible, leave the marriage, go find your sexual happiness."

But obviously it's more complicated when there are kids involved. And no she will not accept a open marriage either. It will hurt her.

So his practically told her, it's over, and have left her for 6 months, moved out.

But 6 months later, she's now telling him to think of the kids, they are both below 12 yr old, they need their father full time, and not this living apart business. And she said she will be willing to work with him on the sex bit.

But that is not what he wants. He wants her to desire to have sex with him. And not behave like it's such a huge sacrifice on her part to have sex. She's practically putting herself up as sacrificial lamb, AS IF it's such a big sacrifice to tolerate sexual attentions from him.

For myself as a woman, who cannot imagine my sex drive ever disappearing. Can any other woman give insight to this, on what's going on with his wife? And what can he do to bring her sex drive back? He said his tried everything, from massage, to making it more romantic, to basically asking her to lead, or asking her to just tell him what she wants! He'll make it happen, he just wants to please her.

It's sad for me to hear this, because, his like, he desires his wife above all women in the world, and it kills him that she doesn't want any sex from him at all.

On top of that, his really a good father and a good man to her. She is a stay at home mom, and he takes care of everything. On top of that, he seriously, even after living apart, devotes his entire weekend to hanging out with the children taking them out to do things with him.

I've given him alot of suggestions to try, including attempting domination. None of it has worked. I just can't figure out what will wake up her sexual urges again!








DarkSteven -> RE: A typical situation (3/16/2016 11:59:19 PM)

Depression?

Doctor's appointment, stat.



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 12:07:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Depression?

Doctor's appointment, stat.

Only problem is, women who don't feel like sex will take offense to be told it's a psychological or medical problem ha.
I don't know how he would broach that subject successfully.




Swonderful -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 12:50:24 AM)

I agree with the recommendation to see the doctor. If it is not depression it could be a hormonal imbalance. If those are ruled out, and I am betting it is one of them, I would talk with a therapist and look for other underlying issues... Maybe even a now-supressed childhood molestation or something like that. I have heard of such marital problems leading to such a discovery.

Swonderful



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 1:08:24 AM)

Okay, so, keep in mind that the wife feels that she's not even refusing him sex and she doesn't understand what's his problem.

So for him to bring up that she needs medical or psychological help because of her lack of sex drive, which she is NOT worried about at all, is gonna be a shit fight.



dreamlady -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 1:58:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
Okay, so, keep in mind that the wife feels that she's not even refusing him sex and she doesn't understand what's his problem.

So for him to bring up that she needs medical or psychological help because of her lack of sex drive, which she is NOT worried about at all, is gonna be a shit fight.

This is the part that I don't understand (aside from no interest in enjoying having sex).

If a spouse, any spouse, is given a 6-month ultimatum of splitting up, then regardless of whether they don't see what the problem is, . . . there is obviously a problem.

If your friend's wife won't get herself checked out to rule out any health-related issues, then if she sincerely wants to save her marriage, she should have enough sense to agree to marriage counseling.

She may succeed in using the children as pawns with emotional blackmail to keep her husband from separating, but if he didn't issue his ultimatum with the caveat that they seek couple's counseling together, then he's the one who dropped the ball.

If you're going to say that he already broached the subject and she absolutely refuses, then she doesn't really have a leg to stand on.

You might also mention to your friend that a separation does not mean The End. It shouldn't be done lightly or impulsively, but many couples separate at one time or another during the course of their marriages. Sometimes, this can be the wake-up call one or both of the spouses need in order to motivate them to try to work out a win-win solution.
I get the feeling that the wife isn't going to take her husband seriously unless he stands his ground.

DreamLady



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 2:30:49 AM)

I think the sensitive issue is this.

Just because a woman is not interested in having sex with anybody at all, is it considered a psychological or medical problem at all?

Is it unhealthy not to have sexual desires? That's not something abnormal right?

She could just be naturally not interested in sex. She's not denying him sex. She's just not interested in it, but if he needs to have it, she just lets him fuck her.

So his main issue is, his like fucking a dead body.

I mean, I have a feeling, it's just a brick wall. As if she has no sexual desires, then you can't force a woman to have sexual desires.

But I am also wondering if any woman personally been through a situation where she just completely loses interest in sex at all. And did it ever come back? How did it come back?






dreamlady -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 3:07:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I think the sensitive issue is this.

Just because a woman is not interested in having sex with anybody at all, is it considered a psychological or medical problem at all?

Is it unhealthy not to have sexual desires? That's not something abnormal right?

She could just be naturally not interested in sex. She's not denying him sex. She's just not interested in it, but if he needs to have it, she just lets him fuck her.

So his main issue is, his like fucking a dead body.

I mean, I have a feeling, it's just a brick wall. As if she has no sexual desires, then you can't force a woman to have sexual desires.

But I am also wondering if any woman personally been through a situation where she just completely loses interest in sex at all. And did it ever come back? How did it come back?

To be fully healthy in body, mind and spirit, one's life force energies must not suffer from blockages. Not having sexual desire for one's intimate partner has to do with sexual energy not being free-flowing.

This man is not just "anybody" -- he is her husband, mate and life partner.

I would consider this to be symptomatic of underlying unresolved issues, which could very well be physiological in nature and treatable. She could also be on medication which has decreased libido as a side effect and if so, then perhaps it can be changed or the dosage level decreased.
Since there are young children involved, she's probably too young to be going through the change of life, but early onset peri-menopause can't be overlooked either. (The very first sign of this besides hot flashes is an irregular menstrual cycle.)

Given that the husband truly wants to have a responsive partner, and assuming that he isn't making unreasonable demands, I have to wonder whether the wife has always been like this or did this happen after giving birth?

Irrespective of the particulars, their sex life isn't satisfying and that is NOT the natural condition of a happy and mutually fulfilling marriage. Ideally, she should desire him (and make him feel desired) as much as he desires her; otherwise, a husband will not feel loved and bonded to the woman he is with. Anything less than that poses an imbalance in yin/yang energies and will result in disharmony if not outright discord, as evidenced.

Furthermore, she has to want to make a change, and if she has cultural or religious hang-ups (a Madonnna/whore complex) about enjoying sex and simply views having sexual relations as one of her (tedious/burdensome) "wifely duties," then this is a much bigger issue than can be addressed with any kind of quick-fix remedy.

I also wonder whether she's ever experienced an orgasm, because if she is frigid or unresponsive to sexual stimulation (assuming that her husband has tried out various techniques and isn't merely subjecting his wife to the missionary position during every romantic encounter), then that isn't a "normal" state for a healthy, well-adjusted adult female to be in. She could probably benefit from reading a few educational sex manuals.

DreamLady

Edit - typo



WilliamWizer -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 3:43:38 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Just because a woman is not interested in having sex with anybody at all, is it considered a psychological or medical problem at all?



as dreamlady pointed he's not just anybody. and while we can't be sure of the nature of the problem there's a problem for sure.
but yes. complete lost of sexual interest is a serious medical problem. humans are sexual beings and sex is one of the few biological reasons we have to live.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
Is it unhealthy not to have sexual desires? That's not something abnormal right?


it is. unless she had her menopause and even then it's not rare to continue having sexual desires past that point.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
She could just be naturally not interested in sex. She's not denying him sex. She's just not interested in it, but if he needs to have it, she just lets him fuck her.


the question then is why wouldn't she be interested in having sex? is it painful? is it boring? is it disgusting? what's the cause?
I'm not a psychoanalyst and we don't have details but I can say you that there must be a cause for her not being interested in sex. once they find it they will be able to find a solution to the problem.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
So his main issue is, his like fucking a dead body.


no reaction at all? truly? I won't say it's impossible but it surprises me. unless she has completely lost the sense of touch or she has some kind of psychological problems she should react in some way to being caressed. it could also be that he's too focused on doing the right thing instead of enjoying the sex.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
But I am also wondering if any woman personally been through a situation where she just completely loses interest in sex at all. And did it ever come back? How did it come back?



yeah. my mother has lost interest in sex. she has been single for decades (technically she never married but I'm living proof she had a mate four decades ago) and is 74 years old. I don't think it's comparable to this case though.



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 3:46:16 AM)

Yea..., I feel conflicted about the idea of telling a woman there is something wrong with her, when she says, she doesn't enjoy sex anymore. Like, why should a woman feel like, there is something wrong with her because of that?

But at the same time, she has one very unhappy husband. And yes, my friend should put counseling and medical checks as part of the conditions for reconciliation.

BTW, the sex started going south, BEFORE they had kids. Which is even more interesting. I mean my friend is a very good financially stable family man. Alot of women don't really enjoy sex but use sex to lure the guy into marriage, then after marriage, decides, she doesn't want sex anymore. I mean, it happens alot. And she could have just never enjoyed sex from the beginning of time, but was just kinda entertaining him in the beginning to get the ring on her finger.

That kinda sucks, but I mean alot of these things happen.



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 3:52:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady
I also wonder whether she's ever experienced an orgasm, because if she is frigid or unresponsive to sexual stimulation (assuming that her husband has tried out various techniques and isn't merely subjecting his wife to the missionary position during every romantic encounter), then that isn't a "normal" state for a healthy, well-adjusted adult female to be in. She could probably benefit from reading a few educational sex manuals.

One thing I have learnt from many people and their sexual incompatibility problems is that, not every woman enjoy having orgasms. As orgasm is a very overly intensed sensation. Some women just don't like the feeling of it. Considering I am an orgasm addict, so it's incredulous to me, but I have girlfriends tell me, one is more than enough, and to have more is just tooooo much! It becomes unenjoyable. Like I'm totally in another universe where it's like what?? I can't get enough orgasms to make me happy! I want it to continue forever and ever!



dreamlady -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 4:17:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
Yea..., I feel conflicted about the idea of telling a woman there is something wrong with her, when she says, she doesn't enjoy sex anymore. Like, why should a woman feel like, there is something wrong with her because of that?

But at the same time, she has one very unhappy husband. And yes, my friend should put counseling and medical checks as part of the conditions for reconciliation.

BTW, the sex started going south, BEFORE they had kids. Which is even more interesting. I mean my friend is a very good financially stable family man. Alot of women don't really enjoy sex but use sex to lure the guy into marriage, then after marriage, decides, she doesn't want sex anymore. I mean, it happens alot. And she could have just never enjoyed sex from the beginning of time, but was just kinda entertaining him in the beginning to get the ring on her finger.

That kinda sucks, but I mean alot of these things happen.

Sorry for not reading your OP more thoroughly, where you did indicate that her loss of sexual desire happened before the birth of their first child. It isn't uncommon for new mothers to feel conflicted about their sexual feelings for their mate when their maternal feelings of love for their young child to gain precedence. (And sometimes, they're too exhausted and emotionally drained to deal with their husband's sexual demands and incessant attention-seeking behavior, or else come to resent an unsupportive mate.) Sometimes, it feels wrong to them for a couple of years until and unless they become reconciled to their separate roles as wife and as mother.

You did say that outside of the bedroom, this they are like soul mates -- however, if they were/are truly well-matched, then they should be sexually compatible, although I realize that this isn't always how things pan out. (People change, their needs change and/or they can grow apart.) If they are otherwise compatible and feel loving toward one another, then I don't think she married him for financial security.

When a woman (or a man) doesn't feel the need to do whatever is in their power to make their mate happy as in satisfied all around, then I'd have to speculate that somehow she had buyer's remorse within those first couple of years of being newlyweds and feels she could have done better. If that is the case, then I'll bet that she is covering up her unhappiness or discontent by putting up a good front for appearance's sake, and that their home life isn't Camelot.

Just a wild guess.

DreamLady

P.S. Plus they've been living apart for 6 months already, so I don't know how much lead time there was before he moved out.



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 4:59:49 AM)

Well, just gonna see her reaction to counseling. Also his reaction to counseling lol. Not every man wanna go air their personal issues to a counselor. And his gonna have to talk about his dissatisfaction in bed with her with a counselor......eekks

Personally, you know, I think it's very hard to open up to a stranger, even if it's a professional about such things. But counselling and medical is something I have not suggested, so see if he wants to suggest it to her.



satanscharmer -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 6:24:16 AM)

I agree with health, mental or physical, as possibly being an issue.
But could she actually, maybe, be bored? Was she being satisfied with sex?



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 8:36:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: satanscharmer

I agree with health, mental or physical, as possibly being an issue.
But could she actually, maybe, be bored? Was she being satisfied with sex?

If she wasn't satisfied, she should tell him what she wants, because, his been asking her, how can he make it better for her, and more exciting for her. And she said, nothing. She's just lost interest in sex.



WickedsDesire -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 9:25:00 AM)

I am a twin a little known fact that. Cannot say I have ever crossed paths with a soul mate but i was married a long long time ago and divorced a long long time ago. We were sexually incompatible and it got worse over time. But perhaps we realized we just didn’t like anything about each other. Sex is not everything – there are the odd exceptions which is why I am writing something on this one.

I never advocate cheating, swinging, or poly relationships as most people are not designed for them and they are doomed to failure 9.5 times from 10.

There are exceptions I rarely talk about because of many dubious souls who trot out the generic classics:
We don’t love each other anymore
We sleep in separate rooms
Can’t afford to move out
Oh the kids – kids are not stupid and they can sense/see damaged fractured/broken relationships and therefore this is a very bad environment for them, and they should never be used as an excuse a bargaining chip that’s just a scum thing to do to them.

Seems like this fellow has done everything right bar one thing.
He talked to her explained his thoughts and feelings and potential solutions.
Loss of libido – should be talked over with a professional and there is not always a medical/drug reasons for it happening. But that must be checked. It has not hmm baaad.



DarkSteven -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 9:36:40 AM)

Tell her that it's been too long since either had a physical. He could likely use one as well. Then both of them get one.

Or, since he's at the point of ultimatums, an ultimatum to see some doctors.

Note - if she checks out okay physically, there may be mental issues. That will be harder to sell to her.

But I have a hard time accepting that she'd be depressed, and her libido would be the only thing affected. Aren't there other things she's just meh about?



Greta75 -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 10:31:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire
Oh the kids – kids are not stupid and they can sense/see damaged fractured/broken relationships and therefore this is a very bad environment for them, and they should never be used as an excuse a bargaining chip that’s just a scum thing to do to them.

Children situation is a very complicated one, because he genuinely love seeing his kids and spending time with his children every day. And they are really close. So living apart means, he only sees them on weekends. And the kids has expressed how much they missed him and want to live with him. Or want him to come back to live with them.

I don't envy him for attempting to explain to young kids, why is he leaving mom and choosing to live away from them.



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 12:10:33 PM)

quote:

Just because a woman is not interested in having sex with anybody at all, is it considered a psychological or medical problem at all?

It's not that it is a psychological or medical problem, it's that it may be, so getting that checked is just common sense (or ought to be).



DesFIP -> RE: A typical situation (3/17/2016 2:40:14 PM)

If she used to have a healthy libido and no longer does, then yes it's a medical problem.

Same if she used to be able to eat peanuts and now gasps for air when she does so.

Changes indicate problems.

Ask her why she won't go to the doctor with him there, presenting a joint front. Because if she doesn't want to fix this, there's a reason and he deserves to know why.



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