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when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/19/2006 8:54:05 PM   
cheshireboy


Posts: 217
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		this boy been thinking a bit lately which tends to get him in trouble....he has read several profiles here where they talk about the lifestyle but that sex isn't included.  when it comes to define an aspect of this life, it brings up what your "kink" is, and in same ways a kink is what turns you on, hense sexual.  this boy loves the act of serving, doing chores and all that, but if he didn't have his "kinks" it would almost feel one side.  Almost being the key word there.  so he is wondering, if you take the kink out of the lifestyle, or relationship, don't you basically have a val relationship? or almost an boss employee relationship, where the boss tells you that you are doing a good job and that is suppose to be enough.  boy isn't saying that he is in this for the sexual aspects, but is just curious what others think for he has came to the understanding that one of the ways to keep a male submissive is to control them sexually and to keep them aroused, that while he is in chastity the more aroused he gets without climax, the more submissive he becomes.  would he still be submissive without it? yes, but then it seems to loose some of its flavor. boy would like to thank everyone in advance and any and all comments on this would be welcomed.
 
cheshire
"if it was only just a smile"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/19/2006 9:49:25 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with you that it is all about the individuals kink.  I also need the sexual sensious side to somehow make sense of the rest of the aspects as if it somehow gives me a firm footing to build upon.  Without it for me atleast i would feel lost.

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/19/2006 9:58:34 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		Honestly part of my kink is the sexual aspect of it as well.  It is not soley the sex however that is a large part.  Luckily for me Master feels the same way and for him the play aspect of our relationship is akin to foreplay.

i have often wondered about those who have an ongoing relationship yet sex is not involved.  i can understand casual ongoing partners who play and do not have sex  i just dont understand how you can be owned yet not used sexually.

owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
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RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/19/2006 11:24:49 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Cheshireboy, I still see it as being submissive, if you are doing what you are doing out of a drive to be pleasing to the Dominant. 

I would not have personally sought out a Master who would not want to use me for sex, as I am a sexual being and I incorporate sex into my picture of a well rounded life for myself.  Then again, he could choose to cut me off from that any time and that would be that.  Should that happen, or should he some day medically not be able to enjoy me sexually, my devotion and submission to him would not change.  Sex is part of it, but not all of it.

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 12:18:53 AM   
ravn


Posts: 328
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline 		Perhaps, while people say that they do not do the 'sexual aspect' of BDSM it may mean that they don't do sex, but it also may have other meanings-

- are they not into kinky sex? Is sex 'vanilla' for them?
- do they consider 'sex in the lifestyle' to be all about giving orders?
- is it a Dom that wants to 'give' and doesn't see that as very Dom-ly and therefore don't see it as part of their 'lifestyle'?
- is it NOT lifestyle to them? Perhaps to them BDSM is a lifestyle and sex is something that happens- be it kinky, or vanilla?
- on the same note, have they decided to say that sex is not included because they are trying to be virtuous? Are they trying to 'save' themselves for a time when they find the 'One'?

there are a lot of things that people can mean- and sometimes it's not so easy to read between the lines.


_____________________________

Masochism is a valuable job skill.
Chuck Palahniuk
Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly.
~Proverb ( bring on the tyranny!)

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 12:50:27 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

it brings up what your "kink" is, and in same ways a kink is what turns you on, hense sexual. 


The assumption you've made is that engaging in kink is a sexual turn on and that's not true for everyone. When I Top, it's for the adrenaline rush or energy high or simply for the value of enjoying my art work on a human canvas. I don't have sex with bottoms, I don't get turned on by someone bottoming to me. I do enjoy it, the same way I enjoy oil painting.. that doesn't give me a sexual thrill either. I also don't allow bottoms to touch me. Scream for me, cry for me, bleed for me ... yes, touch me, no. I don't necessarily play with submissives though .. a willing target is good enough, one who's willing to bleed is better.

As far as controlling goes ... I look at it this way: We are both there with a job to do and the purpose of the job is for both of us to have a good time.  My job is to use my skill to hurt a bottom without harming them or do a royal mind fuck so they don't know what to expect and then hurt them.  

Their job is to allow me to do that without an expectation other than they will be hurt. If someone wants a play partner for the purpose of having an orgasm at sometime, they'll need to find someone else with whom to play because we just wouldn't mesh. It's not about control .. they either consent to be a target or they don't. If they consent, we're good to go.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 3:30:56 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Thinking usually gets me into trouble too :)  But, I can't imagine not being used for sex either.  Like owned1, play is usually a forerunner for sex or something sexual.   

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 4:28:08 AM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		I'm not fond of being denied.  I, personally, wouldn't be fulfilled with BDSM play without S E X and emotional closeness.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 6:00:04 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		As i am sure many( not all) will agree that bdsm is more mental than physical.  Master and i were just talking about this the other day.  I could not be in a relationship without the lovemaking.  It is a big perk and it allows me another way to serve and please him (pleases me too).

Matt's littleone

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 8:53:39 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It would become a service relationship. It's up to you to decide how fulfilling that is...or look for someone who would allow you to get your other needs met outside the relationship. Since my girl is het, this is what we do. But, if you're set on having one person do it all, better look for someone who agrees with you on all aspects.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 8:59:42 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		For me, the BDSM is simply iceing on the cake. Take it away I still have a devoted girl focused on pleasing me.

I choose not to take a service only because I happen to like sex and enjoy BDSM but it isn't the core of what we have together.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 9:35:24 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		 
I am a lot like Celeste, I think; especially when I Top.  I don’t have the kind of relationships with those I merely play with that would include sex.  And just because I’ve not found (or been found by) a Dominant who I want to develop that kind of relationship with (romantic, long-term, sexual) I still want to continue to grow and experience BDSM and all it’s delightful twists and turns; just not with sex included.
 
I find it both fun and educational to play … just play… with a few close friends.  It's also a way to get to know a new friend...to determine if we have enough chemistry to grow a more intimate relationship with time.
 
beverly 
 
MOO;   MNSHO..........YMMV

Edited because I STILL cannot spell!  <sigh>

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 7/20/2006 9:36:43 AM >

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 9:40:07 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Ok, here comes that lone voice of the misfit again -
 
I find that it always gives me a bit of a chuckle these days when someone tells me "it's not about sex."  If it weren't sexual, I probably wouldn't be bothering with it, as far as my personal expectations/participation in BDSM.  I don't do "service" and I don't do "submission" these days.  I strictly do the BDSM playing.  Take away that BDSM sexual element, and there's nothing left but a casual friendship of peers.  I can get that anywhere, any time, with anyone of either gender.  Or it would be a job - and if I'm going to have a job, I damned well better be getting well paid for my time, or someone else can do it.
 
Every time I get tied to a StAndrew's or chained to a table, it's sexual.  I have a rule of thumb about playing - I don't play with those I won't consider fucking.  Why? Same reason I discriminate about who is allowed to sit in the driver's seat of my truck.  If I'm not gonna let you take it for a spin, why on earth would I let you start the engine?  You (the top in the scene) may decide not to take it on the road - or decide to hand the running car over to someone else that I'm willing to let drive it - but the key never goes into the ignition if I'm not willing to let you take it for a spin.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 1:33:41 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		SM or other BDSM activities can be enjoyed in a non-sexual manner. One doesn't typically get physically aroused by vigorously playing a sport or reading a compelling book, but one can enjoy it very much. We can all agree that there are lots of fun things people can do without finding them sexually attractive, yes? Some people approach BDSM as a non-sexual, fun activity.

Service is a whole different matter. I can't tell you what servants get out of service. Recipients get a clean bathroom or a well-stocked pantry--what's not to like about that? :)

Monica

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 2:09:48 PM   
Cloudz


Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

For me, the BDSM is simply iceing on the cake. Take it away I still have a devoted girl focused on pleasing me.

I choose not to take a service only because I happen to like sex and enjoy BDSM but it isn't the core of what we have together.



Raven,

I agree. To have a devoted boy focused on pleasing me. I do not have traditional sex with my submissives, but that is a personal choice. The ultimate, of course, would be a ltr with mutual devotion...but until I can catch MichaelGA2's eye...I shall have to settle for less <grin>.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 2:56:35 PM   
lanwolf


Posts: 78
Joined: 10/31/2005
Status: offline 		To me I find that the S/m part is a sexual turn on almost like foreplay the more pain my Partners cause the more aroused I get. That being said I also play with a Male Top that is straight and there is no sex. To me finding a Partner to be with that will have me serve Them, do heavy S/m play and is wanting to be sexually active is what I am looking for in an Owner.
 I am submissive and like everyone I have needs wants and desires can sex be taken out of that? Yes… but that relationship to me at least will not be a long term one, as I am not finding all my needs met. If there is something missing how can I give myself fully to that One? Again though it is personal preferences and beliefs and that includes my belief that if it works for you who am I to say its wrong.

(in reply to Cloudz)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 5:08:39 PM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		I have *always* been submissive, but have lived in vanilla relationships my entire life, until now.  I am actually very new to experiencing the kink of BDSM and have been fortunate to have found someone that is equal in that area.  I have always 'walked the wild side' according to my former vanilla relationships, but I never had the BDSM part that I do now.  That being said, and having lived the submissive life without the sexual aspect (at least not what *I* need) I know that I can do it and do it very well (too well according to some), but am much more satisfied *with* the sexual aspect included.

(in reply to lanwolf)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 9:13:17 PM   
syreena


Posts: 36
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		For me i entered the lifestyle for a very different reason than most.  In fact it was part of my contract that i would not have sex with the Dominates i was serving.  Shortly after my contract started some real life circumstances happened and the play parties public and private had to stop and even the acknowledgement of my slavery in private life could not be acknowledged.  It was at this point, i had to decide my real reason for being there and would i serve despite what i would "get."

Everyone has their story. However, "kink" for me did not start sexual but was service oriented and giving up control in areas i had never considered giving up. i grew in ways i never anticipated.  What happened for me was that i became a stronger person able to focus.  Is this for everyone?  It's not, however, i needed at that time to focus on the person that i needed to become to serve in a healthy, strong way.

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/20/2006 11:28:53 PM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		Regardless of what anyone else might think they know about what we get out of D/s and BDSM, we're honestly not in it for sex, in any way, shape, or form.  We have each other for that, and don't need anyone else's penis or vagina in our bedroom.  For us, D/s and BDSM stimulates us both in a mental, rather than physical, way.  D/s feeds our need for control, and the BDSM serves our Sadistic needs.  Simple as that.

As always, YMMV...
TheShadows

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to cheshireboy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: when you take the bdsm out of it - 7/22/2006 9:04:02 AM   
cheshireboy


Posts: 217
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		boy has been dwelling even more on this  and read most of the posts several times, that for most submissives it is sexual, and for others, the act of service alone fulfills them.  but he been focusing more on the mental....for him this is vastly mental, he savors someone that can actually "mind fuck" him, be able to twist him into a corner where he has no way out, but even then that is a turn on....so mayhaps in someways no matter what it is, be it service, spanking, can become something arousing or if not arousing, still fulfill your love language, then in not someway, the essense of a submissive mentality is that no matter what is given, <within reason> gives you a sense of purpose and belonging?
 
cheshire
"if it was only just a smile"

(in reply to TheShadows)
Profile   Post #: 20
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