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How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/30/2016 8:14:16 PM

bornsubtobe

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/17/2015
Status: offline

Just wanted to see if anyone has any suggestions on something. I have recently fallen for a lady who says she wants to learn to be a domme. I am having trouble with teaching her. I am naturally submissive and know it to be wrong to top from the bottom. She seems to be shy about it too. She was in an abusive relationship and is more used to being the submissive abused housewife of 30yrs. She knows that this is the kind of life partner I am looking for. I want to teach her.

I am also worried that she may just be doing this for me and will never get into it.

Thanks

Post #: 1

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/30/2016 8:35:07 PM

ThatDizzyChick

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

Well, mostly you "teach" her by simply letting her take the lead. Defer to her, allow her to be the one who makes the final decision on things. That is the primary function, so to speak, of any dominant.
As far as the kinky play aspects, those things can be figured out as you go along, most of them do not actually require a whole lot of training to figure out, and for those that do, well there are many opportunities to learn that in and around Alberta (you may have to travel to Edmonton or Calgary, I'm not sure). Fetlife is a better place to find local events.

quote:

I am also worried that she may just be doing this for me and will never get into it.

She might be, why don't you ask her?

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 2

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/30/2016 9:00:37 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Okay, first, get it out of your head that teaching = TFTB. It does not. Teaching means teaching. Okay?

Did you bring it up or did she? I ask because you said she is shy but if she brought it up, clearly she has an interest whether you do or not. That's going to be very helpful.

If you brought it up.. was she at all reluctant or was she interested? Did she ask you interesting questions about it or express any one or two things about it that she, herself, found intriguing? I'd start with those. Double check your frenzy and make sure you are seeing her as she 'is' and not as you wish she was. Withhold all pedestals. She's too new not to fall.

When she falls, extend a hand and help her back up. Don't put unrealistic expectations on her OR on yourself. You are still part of the 'we' you are trying to form with her, right?

Your voice counts .. but when she says be silent.. then shut the hell up and be silent. Okay? You want to teach her and as you do there may be situations where you butt heads and teaching or not.. you have to allow for growth and wingspan and not resent, perhaps, getting what you want.

You said she wants to learn about it. Ask her what is it that makes her want to do that? Encourage her and explain that she already has a skillset of which she may not be aware.

Can she tie her shoes? Probably.. which means she can tie a knot. Being able to tie knots is a good thing. ;) It's not just the physical skill sets she will have just from growing to adulthood but a lot of mental skill sets as well. I mean, she doesn't go ape-shit at the grocery store if they short her a dime does she? She's probably an adult who will just point out that incorrect change was given.. if even that. Remaining cool, calm and collected is also very helpful if a bottom or /s type get's triggered or something of that nature. Pointing out just how much she actually has at her disposal just from having lived may help her to gain confidence.

It may take her a long time to find her voice.

Do 'you' have the patience? That's rhetorical. Just something for 'you' to decide.

Let her know, too, that it is okay to be the boss if that's what comes naturally. All that said.. a woman who spent 30 years in a marriage, abusive and submissive to boot.. that's going to take some time and she'll need to adjust and 'you' need to be aware that what you are actually seeking may not be within her to give.

My suggestion would be to go snails pace slow and ONLY do those things that she is ultra comfortable doing and encourage her to ask 'you' for things and then 'you' be prompt. Pay attention to her.. and I mean really listen to what she says and you can pick up clues to her wants, whims and needs. Don't assume you are correct though if you try to 'guess' you may be mistaken so get in the habit of asking her for clarity regularly but also learn and don't make her keep repeating herself especially if she starts to feel her own power growing. Right now she has only expressed an interest in learning but there are as many styles of domination as there are dominants and what she ultimately discovers about herself is going to be the very best teacher she has.

You wish to guide this woman along a path that 'she' desires.. be the guide.. but still let her lead the way. You may find her way isn't going to be to your liking but once you start the Juggernaut it may be very hard to stop.

Best of luck to you... and her. I hope she finds her feet.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 3

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/30/2016 10:13:19 PM

ThatDizzyChick

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

You might also suggest she make an account and start reading and asking questions in her own right.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 4

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 5:50:51 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

What my girlfriend Bita said.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)

Post #: 5

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 6:18:04 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Actually, what both of them said.

In addition, I'm kind of wondering what you're "teaching" her. You may be able to give her some advice but if you're trying to reincarnate her into some version of your past experiences, that's not really her being her. If you want her to be in the lead, you have to let her be that. Don't fall for that trap about how she's "supposed to" be.

Since you're a switch, you might be able to help her with some topping skills. Focus on the things that are positive and fun! If she's enjoying herself, don't point out her imperfect knots or that you can do it better. You got tied up, she had fun tying you, so run with that. If she's enjoying it, she'll want to do it more, and consequently, she'll get better at it, anyway.

Oh, and if the opportunities are available, let her learn not just from you. That's one of the good ways to know she's really into it, rather than just trying to make you happy. Encourage her (don't push) to get tips from other people. Mention that hands on rope class that might be happening locally and see if she's excited to attend. If she's lukewarm about it, let that go and see what she would like to do, instead.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 7:51:57 AM

WickedsDesire

Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline

Have creature mail me I have many manuals and you can quietly sit in the corner.

If I thought you not that person with, how many accounts now, fascinated with your (own) two dimensional thoughts re what is a domme and so on

I told you many times before you are out of hand and also well out of order. I type this only because a couple above me went to a bit of an effort.

ThatDizzyChick You might also suggest she make an account and start reading and asking questions in her own right. My thinking and yet their creature never appear

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 12:36:07 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bornsubtobe

I am naturally submissive and know it to be wrong to top from the bottom.

This could not be allowed to stand as equal to teaching. For that alone I would have replied.

quote:

I am also worried that she may just be doing this for me and will never get into it.

This has been a concern for an overwhelming number of bottoms and even if OP started this as a lark, a joke, some cruel manipulation to play puppet master.. it doesn't matter to me. Their motives are theirs to ponder in the mirror.. but others may gain from responses.

The effort is for the rafters, the lurkers above who just watch and wonder. I don't begrudge answering legit questions for those too shy or unsure .. or afraid to post. Sadists abound and thick skins come in handy but not everyone has one and fear the harsh here simply based on reputation.

So, you know, maybe on occasion a question they were afraid to ask gets answered. I just play the odds and hope for the best. S'cool.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

Post #: 8

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 7:58:00 PM

bornsubtobe

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/17/2015
Status: offline

First of all thanks for all the advice. I will just have to be patient and find a way to let her lead.
I do a lot of romantic vanilla things for her but that is probably too little. I could step up things by setting up a play date. Her favorite thing is to have me tied and milk me. I have been teaching her bondage and buying different types of restraint systems to make it easier for her. I could set up a play date and show her another system and I will see if she is interested in her own profile. I won't push her. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.
I will have to treat her like a fragile rosebud and let her come to full bloom at her pace.

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

Post #: 9

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 10:32:00 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Just an odd thing.

Why are *you* setting a play date? Are you talking about <cough> arranging <cough> a time for her to play with you? Orrrr... Are you trying to set up a play date with you, her, and another party?

For either of these, for different reasons, she's not being the Domme. You are.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 10

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 11:07:46 PM

bornsubtobe

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/17/2015
Status: offline

So the play date is a bad idea? If I don't initiate in some way it doesn't happen. She does enjoy playing but does not initiate it. She has never been interested in anything kinky before. I have been introducing her to this new world. She seems to want me to initiate things. I don't really desire to be dominate with her mostly because of how she was abused in the past. I am just not sure how to make this work.

I told myself I would never be in a vanilla relationship again.
I just don't know how to proceed in such a way that everybody is happy.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 3/31/2016 11:17:07 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

If you are initiating, who is in charge?

You said something about trying to assess if she's just going along with things to make you happy, right?

What does your own promise to yourself about not ever being in a vanilla relationship again have to do with it? That's not your relationship with this woman. That's your relationship with you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 12

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/1/2016 4:11:56 AM

ReMakeYou

Posts: 147
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline

First. If topping doesn't do anything special for her innately but she does enjoy doing it because it makes someone she really cares about (i.e. you) happy, would that work for you? Personality and kinks aren't going to change so easily, but people will often do things they're not super crazy about if their partners are super crazy about them. From there, it's a question of how much she's willing to invest in improving her topping skills by researching in her free time and learning from more experienced people.

Second, and more importantly. Reading the original post, this lady could be going one of two ways. Either she's someone trying to regain a sense of control after having been under someone else's thumb for so long, or else she's a fundamental people pleaser at heart who will top you to make you happy. (Closely related to the last is the idea that her last relationship drilled into her the idea that she has to do whatever her partner wants, which will lead to her topping from a submissive place.) It would help a lot to know where she's coming from, since it sounds like there's a lot of non-kink psychological work that has to be done in your non-kink time.

Which brings up the last point. You're encouraged to talk about your desires before a scene. You're encouraged to unpack after a scene. And while communicating during a scene may by some technical readings count as "topping from the bottom", it's still encouraged when the two of you are still figuring each other out. Especially early on, it's better to see yourselves as equals who are taking roles inside the confines of a scene than it is to see this as an innate power mismatch.

And if it turns out that she's not a true kinkster at heart, but she'll happily top the hell out of you on occasion so long as you're willing to give her what she wants from time to time too, is that really all bad? Just so long as you remember that her wants are important too.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/1/2016 7:54:53 AM

bornsubtobe

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/17/2015
Status: offline

Definitely some really good advice. I don't want to make her do anything she does not want to do. She is probably doing it for me because she loves me. In the back of my mind I am worried that she is doing it now but if we get married that it could all stop if she is not a true kinkster.
I spent the last 17 years raising kids with an acholic lady. We had separate rooms and i was only there to help her raise her kids. I put my life on hold to help her. I did not have sex all those years and told myself that when it was done that it would be my time.

It is probably selfish of me but I want the right woman and the right relationship. This lady could be my goddess and I don't want to blow it. I really want to make it work. I will try your suggestions. I am pretty shy and will have to force myself to have a discussion with her about it. I am thinking that I should let her read this thread. Is that a good idea?

(in reply to ReMakeYou)

Post #: 14

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/1/2016 8:48:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Ask her to make decisions, then thank her for taking the pressure of being the decision maker away from you.
Take workshops and she won't worry so much about doing things wrong, she can just have fun with it.

Get some beginner books and let her decide what interests her. Even if you haven't enjoyed that activity immensely in the past, you should be able to take pleasure in seeing her made happy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 15

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/1/2016 8:49:40 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Ask her to make decisions, then thank her for taking the pressure of being the decision maker away from you.
Take workshops and she won't worry so much about doing things wrong, she can just have fun with it.

Get some beginner books and let her decide what interests her. Even if you haven't enjoyed that activity immensely in the past, you should be able to take pleasure in seeing her made happy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 16

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/1/2016 9:06:42 AM

ReMakeYou

Posts: 147
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline

From what you're saying, it's best not to look at her as your forever goddess. Trying to place a woman into that role wound up with you in a bad relationship yourself. Look at this as a chance for both of you to to enjoy being with someone who makes you feel good. The goal is for both of you to explore and discover your own senses of self, not to lock anybody down while you're still figuring out both the relationship and yourselves.

If she's interested, I fully recommend linking your gal to this thread, but there are two distinct elements that should be discussed. The first is the two of you clearing your system of all the yuck from your previous relationships. This may build a deep, lasting bond between the two of you, it may just be a short term thing that still winds up being a positive in both of your lives. (My experience has been that ironically, people with the "It's nice, might as well keep doing this while it feels good" outlook tend to stay together a lot longer than people who try to make the relationship happen no matter what.) That part is the same no matter how kinky people are or are not, but these are relationship fundamentals you'll want to work out no matter what extra trappings you have on top. And honestly, the both of you sound like you need some patching up.

The second part is important for both of you. Assume that she actually is vanilla for a moment. It's quite possible for you two to both have a mutually enjoyable, fulfilling sex life, but that requires compromise and awareness where the other person is coming from. It's not uncommon for sub men to fixate on their own kinks to the exclusion of their partner's tastes. Being mindful and making sure that she gets some time focused on what she likes, in addition to her setting aside time to give you what you like, is probably your best bet.

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 17

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/1/2016 9:15:13 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

Hi:)

Im coming at it from a slightly different angle, altho youve got excellent advice, as usual.
short background. I found the interest in kink intently in my 10th year of marriage. he didnt. He tried, but didnt "feel it" it. But we are still together.
If she wants to learn....and not just your "particular desires", if she has fun when she tops you? does it turn her on? does she have fun without the kinks and by that I mean the toys, have you tried without toys, or made use of general household items? is she responsive and happy with you as a fun happy sexual couple? without the passion, you might have an uphill struggle.

You say that she suffered abuse....That is a whole separate thread on its own and probably best discussed with a professional.
SO Im going to just put my 2 cents in helping a newbie.

online research, she doesnt need to get a new account, she can read, if she has her own questions...she can join. There are plenty of good websites out there, I know we have a damn fine booklist sticky in the forum.Ask if she would like to go to a munch...
go a few times, just talk, go to an event, just to watch, if she doesnt show any interest in it at any step, stop and re-evaluate it.
Talk to her, be prepared to LISTEN. Listen to the negatives, dont interrupt, listen and understand its valid.
oh and dont ask why...it becomes accusatory as an interruption.
DO you know what arouses her?
I got into it because it makes me very happy.
my personal guides were the Femdom books by Claudia Varrin, Many of the posters here, some incredible people I met by going to munches and events, not least my husband and ex sub.

Link to the booklist....http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

I wish you luck, I wish you both luck. I hope you find a happy resolution.

_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
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\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
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(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
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Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 18

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/1/2016 7:53:27 PM

bornsubtobe

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/17/2015
Status: offline

Wow. Lots of very valuable advice. I am a good listener and can usually read people. I am her best friend and she is mine we have a lot of vanilla interests together as well as she has enjoyed all the playtime. It does make her wet so it must interest her. I initiate 95 % of our play so to me I am topping from the bottom. I will bring her on this site with me. That should help her get her confidence and help her learn about more of what she is interested in.

I do want and hope she can be my forever goddess. She caught a cold so I will just care for her and I will probably dress as a Butler or French maid. I was thinking that it would show my commitment to her. I often dress up for her whether we play or not. I just always want to appeal to her.

(in reply to Lucylastic)

Post #: 19

RE: How can a sub teach a newbie domme. - 4/9/2016 12:01:52 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

I congratulate you on your good luck. And I encourage you to be yourself, so she can see who you are. On the other hand, you are not really sure who she is. And she isn't sure either. I think you should temper your expectations with the thought that there are several hundred ways of looking at kink and it may turn out that you look at it differently. Should that day dawn I hope you have the foresight to not be terribly, terribly surprised, shocked, hurt, devastated, etcetera and so on.

As for positive suggestions, buy her some toys. We all know they are for you, so don't make her 'get' them. She doesn't even know what you want. You are doing the teaching.

There are a few books, including my favorite, 'How to beat your boyfriend' by What was Her name? You should consider the literature that might help and make it available. While you are there, get the Kama Sutra too. Every gal should have a copy.

Don't forget about the jewelry, the food, and the event attendance.

And work out.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to bornsubtobe)

Post #: 20

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