Struggles (Full Version)

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babysburnin -> Struggles (7/20/2006 3:55:28 AM)

My Dom and I watched "Secretary" the other day.  I liked it for the most part, but what has been bothering me is that the sub/slave was emotionally disturbed, and the Dom/Master was tormented by his like for BDSM.  (Yes - it spices up the movie.)  I stumbled upon my realization for my preference later than my unsure teens and experimental 20's - so I am not tormented at all.
 
The question (finally you say)... If anyone has felt tormented...why?



mistoferin -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 4:00:38 AM)

No I have never felt tormented. (I didn't care for the Secretary either because, once again, the film industry decided to portray people involved in BDSM as being mentally unhealthy)



bandit25 -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 4:00:48 AM)

Tormented is a pretty strong word.  I've felt unsure and confused and, at times,  "what kind of a sick fuck am I?" but I think that's pretty common.  None of those feelings have lasted however.



nephandi -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 4:26:25 AM)

i have never felt tormented, D/s is part of who i am, and i harm none, so what is wrong whit it, i am not normal to begin whit anyway.



littleone35 -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 6:10:38 AM)

I have never felt tormented by it.  For a long time i wondered why i felt these needs that none of my friends did, and when i tried to explain it they looked at me as if i grew 2 heads.  Tormented no confused yes  but not anymore.

Matt's littleone



diamonddreamlove -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 6:21:24 AM)

Tormented only happened for me when i tried to deny who i am by going vanilla for so many years.  It is so hard to deny yourself and not experience torment.  I think if i had not discovered myself and then gone back to the good ole nilla i would not have had to experience torment, however it makes me who i am today stronger and hopefully better able to serve.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 6:22:29 AM)

well the movie is actually making fun of the lifestyle and not close to real life at all.



suggababy23 -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 6:27:50 AM)

I am going to be a little different here and say yes I have felt tormented.  I am still learning myself and there have been many days where I want to deny my submissive nature.  I think it's just all a part of the growing and learning process. 

BTW, Secretary was a little odd for me.  I didn't really get it.



deltadawn -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 7:15:26 AM)

I felt confused often, but never tormented.

I really did not enjoy that movie.  Once again the 'poor submissive'....lol

dawn



fullofgrace -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 7:19:00 AM)

i've never seen the movie, but i don't feel tormented. it's just a part of who i am. being bisexual is a part of who i am. being obsessed with books is a part of who i am. i can't be QUITE as open about the bdsm parts as the others, but i am lucky in that i don't have to completely wrap it up and hide it either...i don't talk about it to people who don't want to hear it, but my close friends and roommates usually know, and my sister knows.



desertdancer -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 9:15:36 AM)

I didn't care for the movie that much, because both characters seem more then a bit off.

There are times I've felt confused by my wantings, or scared when I wonder why I want the things I want.  I've often felt awe or small, I've felt stilled to my core, and wonder.  I've felt tranquility and peace, but never tormented in my yearnings.

I know Master has felt something like torment, but I would not call it that exactly, more like conflicting emotions as he's grown and recognized his need for this in his life.



BitaTruble -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 9:46:00 AM)


quote:

 If anyone has felt tormented...why?


Tormented, sad, angry, confused, hopeless, yes, all of that and more. Why? Because this shit just ain't normal. Most people don't have cravings for pain that drive them batty if they aren't beaten. Most people don't have an intense need for humiliation, objectification, damnation .. and most people want to be like most other people so they fit in. It took a long time to figure out that I wasn't like most people and a whole lot longer to figure out that it was OK that I wasn't like most other people, but it was work to figure it out. Self-reflection, acceptance .. letting go of baggage including  being bombarded practically from birth by the media, family and friends with what is 'right and proper' for a young lady to think, feel and do. There are expectations of how ones life should go, how it should be lived and major disappointment in self and the disappointment of those around you when those expectations aren't realized.

Sick shit, yanno? You ask yourself over and over again.. why am I the way I am? Now, of course, you can turn on the tv and see Marge telling Homer that tonight's safeword is banana, and that may elicit a blush and a nervous giggle from the masses.  Didn't use to be that way though. You question yourself simply knowing that you are the only one in the world who is a freak and you don't yet have the life skills or experience to say fuck the world. I learned though. To accept my proclivities, to embrace who and what I am and after that, low and behold, no more torment.. at least none that wasn't consensual with an accommodating sadist. ::chuckles::

It's a process, one which has been made easier these days, but until you find out the truth, that it's all OK, that you are not alone in what you think and feel, in how you want your life to go, how you behave and what you do, it can be a torment, a torture of your soul.

Struggles.. perfect title for the thread. I struggled and for a really long time .. but I'm over all that now and fuck the world slips fairly easily out of my lips because it doesn't matter anymore. When I figured out I didn't need permission to be myself nor the acceptance of the masses to do what I do .. when I was able to go beyond that and embrace who and what I am, I actually started to like me.

So, it's all good now and, so far, it's been a hell of a ride. Besides, 'normal' isn't all it's cracked up to be. ::laughs::

Celeste 




Evanesce -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 9:53:30 AM)

quote:

My Dom and I watched "Secretary" the other day.  I liked it for the most part, but what has been bothering me is that the sub/slave was emotionally disturbed, and the Dom/Master was tormented by his like for BDSM. 


I didn't like the fact that Lee was portrayed in a negative manner at first.  However, as the film progressed, she grew strong and sure of herself and what she wanted.  In Mr. Gray, however, I saw the same struggles that I see in a lot of dominants.  He viewed his sadistic desires as being wrong, and he felt guilty for having those feelings.  Overall, I felt the film was well done, and it did present a realistic view of one BDSM relationship. 
 
In this lifestyle, there are a LOT of "damaged" people.  Most of those I know are far more messed up than either of the two portrayed in Secretary.



juliaoceania -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 10:21:31 AM)

Good question babysburnin

I have never felt tormented by Ds, but I have felt torn in my desire for it, I questioned my normalcy, I have questioned whether or not someone could have a healthy relationship 24-7. In some ways I am still asking myself this question. I am more comfortable with the idea now. I am embarking on a relationship in which it is extremely comfortable to be Ds and I feel valued for my submissiveness. It is a part of myself I have come to embrace.



LaTigresse -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 12:34:19 PM)

Excellent question though I have not seen that particular movie. By the time I heard about it I also heard enough of why it is not an accurate portrayal to lose interest in seeing it.

Much of my personal experience would echo Celeste's aside from how it relates to her in her personal desires. My life, until the last few years, has been led at a frantic pace of survival and doing what needs to be done without thought for my own joy. After I finally had a chance to take a breath and think about myself and what did I want to be when I grew up I realized that I was miserable with a life that most would love to have. I allowed my sexuality to blossom and thru that I learned about BDSM. Once I got past my VERY limited ideas of what it was, I was still fighting with the idea of.......it's just sick and wrong! I couldn't even allow myself to think about it. At that point Pandora's box was opened and thru getting to know more people and realize that it's not about evil murderous predators and helpless victims but rather consenting adults enjoying something "different", I began to be more open to the whole thing. Thru that I began to accept my own needs and nature. It has been the most freeing experience of my life. I think I am a better person for it.
My only issues now are caused simply by the vanilla life I had built versus the life I need and trying to find a way to meld them together without destroying innocent victims.



KatyLied -> RE: Struggles (7/20/2006 12:34:25 PM)

I'm "meh" about the movie Secretary.  I enjoyed parts of it and I thought other parts were stupid.

I've never really struggled with my place in the lifestyle, other than finding a compatible partner, who could give me the level of direction and oversight that I ache for.  I often would wonder....why am I like this?  But I've come to the understanding that submission is just part of who I am.  I'm not submissive because of any lack in my childhood or upbringing - and I like being different and embracing things that are different.



faithNZ -> RE: Struggles (7/21/2006 1:24:33 AM)

I had the hype about Secretary - then forgot about it.  Rented it out and was glad i didn't have to pay full price.  Although (thanks to Boston Legal) I am a James Spader fan, I did not like this movie due to the fact that through using a submisive who had unresolved mental health problems, and by default this insinuated that BDSM is related to lack of mental health.  However, I did like the end part with the cockroach...classic!



Littlepita -> RE: Struggles (7/21/2006 4:46:19 AM)

We just watched the movie the other day. We both liked it, but I agree it's disturbing also in the way it portrays D/s. We both felt sorry for Mr. Gray and his struggle. Lee did grow strong and learned what she was and embraced it. They were both happy in the end with their lifestyle.

I have to agree with Celeste to a point. I have questioned myself and struggled over what the heck is happening to me. The fact that I now crave pain at his hands still mystifies me. I'm very happy though and I do feel I have the right to be who I want to be.



feastie -> RE: Struggles (7/21/2006 5:24:55 AM)

I've never been tormented about D/s.  It's just how I'm wired and I don't find it abnormal.  The movie, I found quite abnormal.



Caretakr -> RE: Struggles (7/21/2006 6:29:20 AM)

I've been ormented by bad choices in patners, but never by my nature.



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