LadyPact
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This is going to be the minority opinion and certainly not the popular one.
quote:
ORIGINAL: subcurio
I have been in a relationship with my soul mate for just over 2 years. We have a wonderful time together but the bedroom is not quite right.
She has no experience of being dominant in the bedroom, (she is a strong and decisive woman in general) and we have tried to "play" in the bedroom...I am very submissive, but it has not worked!
You could be the subliest of subs/bottoms (or at least you say you are, that's a different subject, entirely) but that doesn't mean that kink in the bedroom is going to work. The reason for that is, regardless of your desires, you're still dealing with a completely separate human being with their own version of sexual happiness, preferences, and desires that may not have anything to do with kink whatsoever. Big shock here. <Gasp> Some people really are vanilla and it doesn't have anything to do with what kind of personality they have 'in general'.
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So the questions!
Has anyone been in this situation... can you suggest how to build a D/s relationship from this low base in the bedroom?
If you're already attempting to play and it's not really working out, I'm more likely to suggest that you switch gears. Whatever method you're using, put that method on hold. By your own admission, that method isn't really working anyway (hence the thread) and you may not be doing yourself any favors by continuing to use it. I don't know what you are doing at this time, or how receptive your partner is to any of this, but what's been known to happen in some cases is the kinky person falls into the trap of nagging, cajoling, or trying to use types of emotional blackmail (if you love me, you'll do this) on their vanilla partner to try to get their kinks met. All of these are bad ideas and don't really get you the results you want.
Depending on who you are dealing with, and what their own thoughts are on this matter, pushing in another direction might not be the best idea. In my opinion, ideas like taking turns switching or going off for a dirty weekend are great for when you're dealing with somebody who already has that kinky spark and you're just trying to fan it into a flame. I usually don't have that vibe when somebody is trying to 'convert' a vanilla partner. You don't have a situation where the response is going to be, "oh wow, I've never heard of this kink stuff before... This is great!"
You probably do want a copy of "When Someone You Love is Kinky". However, this isn't a book that you throw at your partner and say, "I want you to learn to understand me". Your job is to read this first and take notes that should be relevant to your situation. After you've read it, ask your partner to do the same. As your partner reads it, be willing to discuss the material.
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and a more general question, Do we play opposites in the bedroom?
No. You're trying to make this too simplistic.
The answer is always "some".
Some people want to be opposites of their day to day life in the bedroom. Some people prefer to defer in all facets of their lives. Some people submit to only one person within the confines of a relationship and some people can't imagine doing so. There are seven billion people on this planet. Out of all of those, the answer to the question tends to be "some".
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I am a strong confident man in the real world, but just want to let go of control sexually, my partner is likewise....therefore is it possible that this is the reason we cant make it work in the bedroom!
Most likely, that's your problem. I know several s/s couples and out of those, some (there's that word again) service top each other. In others, only one partner does the service topping. Others still, find the whole idea of service topping distasteful. (And, really, do you want that in your bedroom?) Some s/s folks find someone as a couple who will top them both Orrrrrrr, they take the poly path and each of them find a Dominant to interact with independently. (Don't kid yourself on this. It's ALWAYS easier for the female of the het couple to succeed in this venture.)
I'm one half of a D/D couple. Like you, we've each tried bottoming (in your case topping) and it doesn't work for us. We became poly for this reason. I'm not suggesting that your first answer. Do some research. Actually invest.
_____________________________
The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT
Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD
Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.
Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
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