Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ?

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Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 7:55:23 PM

Transcender8

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If trust considered by many, to be the most important of BDSM (which I fully agree with), in terms of being able to successfully engage in it, how did you develop a foundation of a deep level of trust, in any or all of your current and/or previous successful BDSM relationships or friendships.

Plus if a woman mentions how important trust is to her in doing BDSM, but she's being somewhat hypocritical in showing reluctance to take a first step, so yous can both start establishing a deep level of trust, what are good things a Dom can do and/or say in that situation.

Post #: 1

RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 8:14:30 PM

Lucylastic

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Why is she being hypocritcal?....
How long is the relationship?
Have you met?
Need more info

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 8:22:44 PM

littleclip

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in bdsm play/ relationships the bottom sub slave trusts the top/ dom/ master to not harm them and obey the limits the more you trust the person you are playing with the fewer limits you have and can play more fluidly have a broader spectrum of play letting the bottom sub slave can fully release themselves and go to subspace at least thats what happens with me
does this help with your question

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 8:27:30 PM

Greta75

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Are you serious? Do you even understand what trust is?
Trust should not be given easily.
It has to be earned.
If she does not give you her trust, it means, her spider senses tell her, she can't trust you.

(in reply to Transcender8)

Post #: 4

RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 8:35:34 PM

Transcender8

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Joined: 6/19/2012
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I'm talking about the initial stages of getting to know someone, where yous haven't met in person and it works both ways, in terms of sharing info about yourself
online and you haven't said or done anything stupid and the woman is just being paranoid.

(in reply to Greta75)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 8:49:04 PM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Transcender8

I'm talking about the initial stages of getting to know someone, where yous haven't met in person and it works both ways, in terms of sharing info about yourself
online and you haven't said or done anything stupid and the woman is just being paranoid.

No she is not being paranoid.
How much I share about myself with someone depends on my gut feeling about that person.
I trust my own gut, if something's not right, I will not be open.

There are some guys I will meet within 24 hours and some guys I can talk to for 2 years and still refuse to meet.

It all depends on if I feel I can trust him. Nothing to do with paranoia.

And I encourage all women to trust their gut, and don't allow a man like TS intimidate you into doing what you are not comfortable in doing, including sharing info about yourself!

And the fact that his so aggressive in pushing you, instead of trying to make you feel comfortable with him, is a red flag by itself. Instead, he chooses to belittle your fears as paranoia, already sign of a potentially emotionally abusive person.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 4/20/2016 8:52:08 PM >

(in reply to Transcender8)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 9:44:38 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Transcender8

I'm talking about the initial stages of getting to know someone, where yous haven't met in person and it works both ways, in terms of sharing info about yourself
online and you haven't said or done anything stupid and the woman is just being paranoid.

And that right there is why she doesn't trust you.

You want it to happen because you want it to happen, you don't care if she's comfortable and you invalidate her feelings about being uncomfortable.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 4/20/2016 9:45:36 PM >

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 9:52:34 PM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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It's simple: I don't really trust anyone, when it comes to BDSM. It's why I don't engage in much of it and I NEVER engage in public play.

There are far too many people in this world with far too many agendas.

I am unaware of any state in this country where a person can "give someone permission to hit them". Translation: You're dating someone for a few months and decide you trust them. You engage in some play and leave a few bruises. The next day, they fall down the stairs and go to the hospital. If they say: "Oh! My partner and I are into BDSM. Those bruises aren't from the fall", and the healthcare giver is a Quixotic do-gooder, your ass is in a sling.

Michael

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/20/2016 10:11:36 PM

Lucylastic

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Transcender8

I'm talking about the initial stages of getting to know someone, where yous haven't met in person and it works both ways, in terms of sharing info about yourself
online and you haven't said or done anything stupid and the woman is just being paranoid.

I havent read any of the posts since you wrote this, so if I repeat anyone:)
WHat makes you think she is being parannoid and that you arent moving to fast for her?
Pushing her isnt going to help, neither is making her out to be the one in the wrong.
How long is the initial stage? a week, a month, 3 months? How much info? pics? phone numbers? emails? texts? sexts?
People move at their own pace, I tend to be impulsive with the "right person", but if something doesnt feel right, its gonna take a long time.\
WHat are your expectations?
I dont trust easily at all, Im a very very cynical person...for a reason. Because there are a lot of very very nasty people out there .
Trust is earned. easily broken and hard as hell to earn back.

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( (> A NASTY
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(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
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(in reply to Transcender8)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 1:46:32 AM

DesFIP

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So you were pushing her to do things she's uncomfortable with and that makes her paranoid since you're such a nice guy.

Yeah, you aren't nice, just entitlement issues.

People learn to trust in kinky relationships the same way they do in vanilla.

How to be trustworthy in the future? Say what you mean, mean what you say. Realize the rest of the world does not revolve around you. You don't get to set anyone else's time line. The fact that you do feel entitled to shows how right she was not to trust you at all.

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(in reply to Lucylastic)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 2:00:45 AM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Transcender8

I'm talking about the initial stages of getting to know someone, where yous haven't met in person and it works both ways, in terms of sharing info about yourself
online and you haven't said or done anything stupid and the woman is just being paranoid.

Trust issues and importance aren't specific or limited to just BDSM.
Trust is something pretty much a necessity and is an important part of any relationship, including the Pro's.

Sometimes, just the way something is worded can give clues to the type of person.
Just like the way certain clothes or how they are worn can give the game away without saying a word.
Like turning up to a date at a good restaurant in tatty jeans and dirty T-shirt is bad, same can be said for a coffee at the local McD's or Starbucks in full dance gear with top hat and dickie bow.
Very often, your opening salvo speaks volumes about you.

I can already sense from your posts that you are impatient, needy, pushy, almost desperate.
That spidey sense will raise red flags all over the place and is probably why she doesn't trust you.
I think Greta explained it very well.
Oside hit the nail on the head - your attitude came through in your writing.

Obviously, it's not the what you said but more the way it was said that she has picked up on.
At least assuming that what you posted is unbiased and a true account.
Sometimes, just one word out of place is enough to flip the switch one way or the other.
And it's even harder when you haven't met and it's just online chat.
In real time, people pick up on facial expressions, body language. eye contact, tone of voice, all sorts of things.
You can't do that online so you have to slowly paint that picture of trust with just words and expressions.
It's obviously not on your list of talents - something you need to work on.

And just to reiterate and answer the title of your thread......
Trust is everything; whether it's BDSM or 'nilla or a business transaction.

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(in reply to Transcender8)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 3:34:57 AM

LilJuly76

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Joined: 1/9/2016
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have to agree with the other posters on this one. Trust is everything, if she doesn't trust you, you don't stand a chance.

all of my BDSM relationships had trust and they started off the right way, the Dominant would take the steps to earn that trust with me and then I agreed on the commitment once I was sure to trust the Dominant.

one local guy on this site contacted me, just asking a few questions and reading his answers about sex and nothing to do with BDSM was enough not even to tell him too much or even meet up with him anywhere. General talk is ok but I wouldn't trust him because he has no clue what the lifestyle is to me.

(in reply to Transcender8)

Post #: 12

RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 4:48:42 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Let me see if I've got this right.

Basically, your question revolves around another human that you haven't even met in person yet. More or less, you are random dude on the internet. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is exactly the situation that people warn others about.

How is her being smart about everything people say about online interactions put her in the classification of being paranoid?

You could be the nicest guy in the world. On the other hand, you could be exactly the guy that she should be worried about. Please explain how this person is supposed to know the difference?

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(in reply to Transcender8)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 6:49:20 AM

Transcender8

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Joined: 6/19/2012
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I didn't ask for a critique of my profile.
Just to be clear, I haven't been corresponding with any woman online and pushing her to do anything, nor have I said anything to any woman online about doing stuff.

I was just asking, if you're trying to establish trust with any woman you've struck up a conversation and/or a friendship with online and she's cautious, how do you deal with that, if you're coming from a genuine place.

As a poster said, in real time, people can pick up on facial expressions, body language. eye contact and voice tone, but you can't do that online, so you have to slowly paint that picture of trust with just words and expressions.

(in reply to Tkman117)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 6:53:07 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
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Well in that case you been given any number of reasons why someone will not give trust easily, so it should give you an idea of how NOT to do it.

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<) )╯SUCH
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\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
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(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
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(in reply to Transcender8)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 7:40:07 AM

Aliendragun

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Joined: 4/4/2016
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There are many levels in "Trust". ( I trust you with a spanking at a public space but not in a private setting) Deep levels of trust take time to develop. {I trust you with my physical needs but not my emotional needs) One builds trust,whether it's with one or a community through actions,words are just words.
Trust and communication build a good foundation in a relationship.Not only with one of interest but with an entire community.

I am new on this site and still learning to navigate it but not new to the lifestyle.My reply is to the question on trust not directed at any one person.

< Message edited by Aliendragun -- 4/21/2016 7:42:51 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 9:59:57 AM

ThatDizzyChick

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quote:

how do you deal with that, if you're coming from a genuine place.

By accepting it for what it is; her moving at her pace.

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 1:48:23 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

A dot on the net demanding trust.

Novel. But not interesting.

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 8:59:27 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

Trust is everything; whether it's BDSM or 'nilla or a business transaction.

Ask yourself how have others managed to gain your trust, OP, and then what steps did you take to gain trust and keep a state of trust in others. I have a feeling that you believe there is some magic formula which applies to submissive women, or else you wouldn't be asking this question as if there were a BDSM playbook to guide you.

Just be a man of integrity, a man of your word. Temper the Pillar of Severity with the Pillar of Mercy, and vice versa. This means handle power (both your personal power and your professional authority) wisely, fairly and reasonably, with due diligence. Like Dominance and submission, they are both sides of the same coin.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Transcender8

how did you develop a foundation of a deep level of trust, in any or all of your current and/or previous successful BDSM relationships or friendships.

what are good things a Dom can do and/or say in that situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

People learn to trust in kinky relationships the same way they do in vanilla.

How to be trustworthy in the future? Say what you mean, mean what you say. Realize the rest of the world does not revolve around you. You don't get to set anyone else's time line.

Transcender, you say you follow 4 simple rules. Rule 1, that the sub's needs come first; and Rule 2, that the Dom's needs come second, sounds good on paper.
But I think that we both know this simply isn't true. Your need to have your sub meet your needs, comes first, and if you choose the right sub, this will also meet her needs.

(Rules 3 & 4 - Dom's wants and sub's wants - I agree with those as stated, and this is where hierarchical D/s protocol enters the picture, since the sub has entrusted the Dominant to lead and exercise sound judgment for their mutual benefit, gain and progress.)

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
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(in reply to Transcender8)

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RE: Why is trust so important in doing BDSM ? - 4/21/2016 9:39:34 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Transcender8
I didn't ask for a critique of my profile.
Just to be clear, I haven't been corresponding with any woman online and pushing her to do anything, nor have I said anything to any woman online about doing stuff.

I was just asking, if you're trying to establish trust with any woman you've struck up a conversation and/or a friendship with online and she's cautious, how do you deal with that, if you're coming from a genuine place.

As a poster said, in real time, people can pick up on facial expressions, body language. eye contact and voice tone, but you can't do that online, so you have to slowly paint that picture of trust with just words and expressions.

OK. Due to another person's post, I went to read the profile to see the "four rules". (I don't read most people's profiles, so take that as you will.)
It's not a bad profile. Well written, you seem to be articulate. Good things.

However, this thread made me think of some other posts that I've read over the years from some of the guys here. Men who were able to accomplish exactly what you're asking, and one theme kept recurring that was a part of their success.

Over and over, the male Dominants who got trust from people they met online, gave it first.

Want a phone number? Give yours first. Pics? Send yours before you ask for hers. Don't make it a tit for tat situation. (No, "I've sent you mine, now you OWE me" kind of thing.) Show the hypothetical "her" that you're willing to trust her with your info, that trust might just come back to you.

I'm not saying do something dumb. Don't go giving everyone your personal info over the internet. (For example, women usually interpret anybody willing to give their phone number to anyone and everyone with the look of desperation, needy, etc.) Establish a connection first and all of the normal courting stuff. Then, offer. If she takes you up on the offer, you might just have a good thing going.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Transcender8)

Post #: 20

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