How Do You (Full Version)

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FaithMadison -> How Do You (4/21/2016 10:37:44 AM)

Set your limits?
or do you say your down for anything then bail out when the going gets tough?



angelikaJ -> RE: How Do You (4/21/2016 12:03:41 PM)

First, know your limits to the best of your ability.
Then you have a conversation... or several conversations.

If the person is disinterested in your limits, walk.

If you can't come to an agreement, it simply means you are not compatible.

A few other things:
Be as specific as you can.
Just because you like being spanked doesn't mean you will love the way anyone might spank you, so think about it and describe how you like to be spanked.

Be aware that your limits might change.



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: How Do You (4/21/2016 12:13:41 PM)

That's easy, I sit down and think about what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do, and tada, I have my limits. And if later on I determine I am not willing to do something I previously thought I was down for, well then guess what? Yup, a new limit. And if I change my mind and decide I am now willing to do something I wasn't before, well then there's a limit removed.
It really is not that hard, it's not rocket science.



DesFIP -> RE: How Do You (4/21/2016 5:21:37 PM)

Alternately, you don't say anything except these limits. You say I only want to try these things and nothing else. Until one day when you say you have gotten curious about something else.

Please remember that the dominant also has limits and can refuse to do something you love. Or can say that they need something you won't do and therefore they won't play with you.



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: How Do You (4/21/2016 6:14:52 PM)

quote:

Please remember that the dominant also has limits and can refuse to do something you love. Or can say that they need something you won't do and therefore they won't play with you.

Absolutely, the process work's the same for both partners, you both get to set your own limits and to adjust them as you go along. You also get to put "minimum limits" as in things that you require, without which you do not wish to pursue the relationship.



DesFIP -> RE: How Do You (4/21/2016 6:53:22 PM)

I'd call them must haves. And hard limits deal breakers.

Frequently people don't think of things that are not sex or play related. But that's short sighted. Neither The Man nor I can tolerate smokers. So even if some dude was otherwise perfect, him being a smoker would make me rule him out.

There are things you can compromise on and things you can't. What's important is knowing which is which.



littleone35 -> RE: How Do You (4/21/2016 8:34:38 PM)

Master and i sat down and talked about it Things i wouls never do (hard limits) and things i might do after some discussion (soft likits) . He would neve break my hard limits, however, i expect Him to push my soft limits. Actually we tried something that was a soft limit after we discussed it, it is now not any kind of limits. Like some said limits can change

Matt's littleoe



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: How Do You (4/21/2016 9:09:32 PM)

quote:

I'd call them must haves.

Yeah, that's a much better term

quote:

Frequently people don't think of things that are not sex or play related. But that's short sighted. Neither The Man nor I can tolerate smokers. So even if some dude was otherwise perfect, him being a smoker would make me rule him out.

This is also true.
quote:

There are things you can compromise on and things you can't. What's important is knowing which is which.

And guess what? Also true as well. [:)]



wannapleez -> RE: How Do You (4/22/2016 10:06:52 AM)

IME, limits can be the most fun part of a D/s relationship. I set my hard limits, and then everything else is fair game. One of the biggest rushes for me is when m soft limits get pushed. Doing something that I've been commanded to do despite the fact that I wouldn't do it of my own free will is a major rush (and IMHO a sign of a good D/s relationship as I am fully trusting the Domme with the responsibility that comes with her power and she is wielding it properly).



Lucylastic -> RE: How Do You (4/22/2016 10:45:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FaithMadison

Set your limits?
or do you say your down for anything then bail out when the going gets tough?

If you say you are down with anything, you better be sure you know what "anything is"
Its hard to bail out of restraints when someone decides to ignore your limits.IF restrained securely, Its hard to bail out of a tit piercing with a knitting needle.
I wouldnt play with anyone who said, "Im down with anything".
I have limits, I expect my "partner(play or otherwise)" to have a healthy dose of self interest in safety and minimizing personal damage.
lots of people are much rougher at play than I am, thats fine, they usually know what they are getting themselves into.
Shit happens, accidents and violations take place. Know who you are playing with.... saying you are down with "anything" is asking for trouble.






LilJuly76 -> RE: How Do You (4/22/2016 12:13:25 PM)

you speak the truth Lucylastic.

I so happen to love tit piercing, brings me into subspace instantly.

however fireplay used to be a hard limit of mine than someone introduced me to it and instant subspace by way of fear, now it's old hot, moving on....

however the second time I will not engage with anything that has to do with scat or other gross bodily fluids, except blood play I gotta love blood play especially if it involves a knife.

moving on again: anything depicting animals and children absolute hard limit and because i had a bad circumstance years ago with someone that claimed he was dominant, I try to stay away from getting milk from my boobs as much as possible.



OldArmyRanger -> RE: How Do You (5/17/2016 5:06:11 PM)

When you play, yes most everyone has limits, even when bondage is used, but you always have a "SAFEWORD" So you can back out, maybe a soft limit was not explored enough and it turns out you want to change. SAFEWORD can also be a sign too, in case a gagg is used!
But the Responsibility lies with an experienced Master/Dom to know when their Sub/Slave is in distress and end it!! You can talk ahead of time about your limits and play, explore and push their soft limits, but again it is always important to have a SAFEWORD!!



DesFIP -> RE: How Do You (5/17/2016 6:10:08 PM)

Except that lots of us don't. We hand control over and let our partner decide what's enough.
Obviously, you have to be a good judge of character to pick someone who won't permanently damage you, but some people are.

And in sub space, you can't even identify that there's a problem, let alone articulate it.

Plus using a safe word doesn't mean anything if the other person is actually a serial killer or serial consent violator.



littleclip -> RE: How Do You (5/17/2016 8:25:50 PM)

i started with some guidelines and tried lots of things. my former owner helped me get past my needle stick fear(im a nurse) now i love them and staples and even cutting. i have only a couple of hard ones kids poop and animals. but i only got here by communicating clearly with my owner and working from there.



DannyIsNotWelcom -> RE: How Do You (5/17/2016 8:46:54 PM)

Don't try this at home, dear boys and girls but: my master knows my limits better than I do. I trust him with my life. Then again when you let someone tie you up while you don't you're pretty stupid.



bamabbwsub -> RE: How Do You (5/17/2016 8:48:23 PM)

In my first D/s relationship, my Dom sent me a list of things to rate as to whether I might be interested or not. Some of the items on the list had to be explained, since I could barely spell BDSM at the time, much less know what all the kinky activities were. It was an eye-opener, for sure.

Over the years, my limits have changed. I'm more open-minded about certain things that I haven't yet tried (soft limits), and I've defined hard limits on things that are apparently very popular kinks, like tickling, K9, polyamory, lactation, etc.



Blank101 -> RE: How Do You (5/21/2016 11:04:47 PM)

quote:

bamabbwsub

In my first D/s relationship, my Dom sent me a list of things to rate as to whether I might be interested or not. Some of the items on the list had to be explained, since I could barely spell BDSM at the time, much less know what all the kinky activities were. It was an eye-opener, for sure.

Over the years, my limits have changed. I'm more open-minded about certain things that I haven't yet tried (soft limits), and I've defined hard limits on things that are apparently very popular kinks, like tickling, K9, polyamory, lactation, etc.


This. I've read that finding a list of kinks and rating them as stuff you're interested in, hard limits, soft limits, etc..., and having you're domme do the same, or at least discuss your list, can make for a healthy relationship.



HoneyBears -> RE: How Do You (5/22/2016 12:28:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Blank101
This. I've read that finding a list of kinks and rating them as stuff you're interested in, hard limits, soft limits, etc..., and having you're domme do the same, or at least discuss your list, can make for a healthy relationship.

Other than relying upon preliminary discussions to ascertain which must-haves and deal-breakers you have in common, I have found over the years, that some males will say just about anything to keep a potential partner interested in them. Many will claim they are "flexible." It all depends what type of fluidity is or is not subject to change, because lots of stuff are nonnegotiable.

Having a ratings scale of 1-5 seems to work effectively. I believe it is always advisable to get as much down in writing as possible in advance, then to review your lists together fairly regularly to ensure that you are both still on the same page.

-- Lisa



Blank101 -> RE: How Do You (5/22/2016 5:47:05 PM)

quote:

HoneyBears

Other than relying upon preliminary discussions to ascertain which must-haves and deal-breakers you have in common, I have found over the years, that some males will say just about anything to keep a potential partner interested in them. Many will claim they are "flexible." It all depends what type of fluidity is or is not subject to change, because lots of stuff are nonnegotiable.

Having a ratings scale of 1-5 seems to work effectively. I believe it is always advisable to get as much down in writing as possible in advance, then to review your lists together fairly regularly to ensure that you are both still on the same page.

-- Lisa


As someone who would rather to get to know a person on a vanilla level first, I'd wait before sharing a list with a potential partner. At least until I felt comfortable with the person outside of D/s. I can understand the hesitation some dommes may have though.



debydeb -> RE: How Do You (5/23/2016 6:12:52 AM)

first you have to know what your limits are.... to do that go to a play party and observe the different play styles.... then meet someone within your local bdsm group to mentor you...to show you the ropes so to speak and learn your limits...



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