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what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 12:19:44 PM   
mourningdove666


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline 		ok so you have a boyfriend and after some talking the two of you get into the bdsm lifestyle... youas the woman/sub in this case MADLY in love he breaks up with you but keeps in just enough contact to keep you wanting him for 2 years....no sex since him has been good and very infrequently....when i promised to be his forever no matter if he left me or not am i still his? how do i let go of my true"daddy" and find another? i am very lost and very confused...im sorry this post is so long and kinnda jumps everywhere i just could use some advice....
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 12:22:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You're the one who has allowed him to keep you dangling on his string for 2 years.

What is it that's finally made you decide enough is enough at this point? 

You're the one who decides whether you are his or not. 

My only real piece of advice is to realize that LOVE is not what makes a strong and fulfilled relationship and that I wish you understand that you are giving to yourself what you feel you deserve. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mourningdove666)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 1:39:50 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I know how painful unrequited love can be. Some dominants (using that term loosely) have been known to use a submissive's naivety about the lifestyle to get her to agree to a relationship she may not normally put up with in the vanilla world. BDSM is not that different from vanilla in that disrespect for another person's feelings is still just that, disrespect for another person's feelings.

Promising him things that you should not have promised does not give him a  blank check to use you like a toy he takes out of his bag when he gets bored or lonely. That is disrespectful of your humanity. You may have promised something to him before you knew better because you did not have all the facts necessary to make that decision. You may find some sort of releasing ritual cleansing of this promise that you made to him. It may give you closure you need to move on to something better.

I am going to say something now that is not intended to sound harsh, but it may anyways... what you described above is a one way love affair, he isn't "into" you. You cannot make another human being love you, you have to love you. In the future you can look on this as a learning experience and not give your promises to someone that doesn't love you, isn't into you, and will not respect you enough to let you move on.

You allowed this behavior and only you can change your reality.. peace and good luck.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mourningdove666)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 1:48:55 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		People only treat you the way you allow them to. If you keep allowing him to use you he will until he gets tired of even that.

It is you that must break the ties that you have left attached. You need to do what you feel is best for your own well being. You may love this person forever, sm when you finally decide to move on you may realize you were using that excuse to hold your self back.

A relationship is a two way street, he put a road block on his side a long time again, it time move on and travel a different road or you'll spend the rest of your life sitting at a dead end.



_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 2:21:03 PM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		My advise is along the lines of akisha, you need to sever all ties with this person. No calls, no emails, no letters to or from. Be courteous if you meet in venues around your local scene but other then that, nothing. Give yourself some time to get over him and then put yourself back out there to find someone.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to akisha)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 2:24:35 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		2 years?

Hell, I let go of someone two minutes after they are out the door. If they left, there was a reason...than again, I'm not a masochist.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 2:54:14 PM   
peta


Posts: 29
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mourningdove666

ok so you have a boyfriend and after some talking the two of you get into the bdsm lifestyle... youas the woman/sub in this case MADLY in love he breaks up with you but keeps in just enough contact to keep you wanting him for 2 years....no sex since him has been good and very infrequently....when i promised to be his forever no matter if he left me or not am i still his? how do i let go of my true"daddy" and find another? i am very lost and very confused...im sorry this post is so long and kinnda jumps everywhere i just could use some advice....


i am not going to sugar coat this, the board may as well see the real me from the beginning.

You probably already know the answer to these questions but.......

If he were your 'true' daddy wouldn't he be there?  If he were your "true" Daddy wouldn't he want you happy?  If he were your 'true' Daddy would he have made you make him promise to be with no other?

Move on slowly, allow the healing time, and find your 'true' Daddy.

*winks*
peta

(in reply to mourningdove666)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 3:24:42 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		i see an awful lot of living for him...why dont you want to live for you?

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to peta)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 3:32:39 PM   
irishbynature


Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mourningdove666

ok so you have a boyfriend and after some talking the two of you get into the bdsm lifestyle... youas the woman/sub in this case MADLY in love he breaks up with you but keeps in just enough contact to keep you wanting him for 2 years....no sex since him has been good and very infrequently....when i promised to be his forever no matter if he left me or not am i still his? how do i let go of my true"daddy" and find another? i am very lost and very confused...im sorry this post is so long and kinnda jumps everywhere i just could use some advice....


Sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Is holding on to the love you have for him  helping me grow or hurting me?" It can almost be a type of emotional bondage, or emotional masochism. If the answer is, "It's hurting me" then perhaps you can let him go. Yes, you did make a promise but he hasn't held up to his end of this deal...

Many times,  the "First Dominant" for a submissive can be very powerful and hard to let go of. But just think of all you learned and all the love and giving you have inside yourself to pass on to a more deserving Lover?

I wish you luck...and ((hugs)) for your honesty.
Irishbynature
IBN



< Message edited by irishbynature -- 7/20/2006 3:33:32 PM >

_____________________________


What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller


(in reply to mourningdove666)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 3:46:04 PM   
TxBlkMistress


Posts: 337
Joined: 8/21/2004
Status: offline 		 Look at it this way.  While you are wasting time on this guy...what if "your real true love" comes along and you blow him off  or not notice he is there because you are still trying to hold on to something that obviously is no longer there?

Not being negative...had to beat that into myself as well.  lol

_____________________________

Being Domme it is a way of life for me, not a kink, but it's not the only thing that defines me. Get to know me as person, you might like what you find.

(in reply to irishbynature)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 3:49:35 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Caretakr

2 years?

Hell, I let go of someone two minutes after they are out the door. If they left, there was a reason...than again, I'm not a masochist.


I can assure you as a masochist, I do not like emotional bondage, nor do I like people hurting my heart... that  DOESN'T get me off... other masochists may differ though I suppose. I think you are thinking of people into humiliation, which isn't nearly as fun as a good beating for me...smiles.

I hear vanilla people refer to masochists like this all the time, I just thought I would point out most of us do not like people to screw with our hearts, nor do we necessarily enjoy chaos as a part of our masochism.... just thought I would say this because it was hard enough for me to accept this aspect of my sexuality because of these perceptions although I realize you were probably joking.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/20/2006 3:51:13 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Caretakr)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 4:49:20 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

you but keeps in just enough contact to keep you wanting him for 2 years........when i promised to be his forever no matter if he left me or not am i still his? how do i let go of my true"daddy" and find another?


As others have said, you find ways to distance yourself from this toxic relationship.  Find things to fill the void until you are ready to move on.  Don't sit and wait for someone who doesn't appreciate you.  This is one promise that you can break and feel good about. 




_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to mourningdove666)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/20/2006 7:35:51 PM   
shigglyboom


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		Mourningdove,

I'd love to send you some private mail. Since your profile's hidden, if you like, send me mail on the other side and I can respond.

There's a Don Henley song you might know, with the line "It's been over two years for me, and I'm still not quite myself." Doesn't it feel better to think even a grizzled old Eagle can be dazed from carrying a torch that long? The song is about the joy you'll find when you finally get through it. And you will.

shig

(in reply to mourningdove666)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: what if you were in love? - 7/21/2006 3:49:29 AM   
wandering4u


Posts: 167
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline 		Hate to say it, but it looks like he's playing you .

As many have said, a relationship is a two way affair. The only thing he's giving you is heartache.  Stop being available to him, be polite but firm with him. 
Take time to heal and meet new people.



(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: what if you were in love? - 7/21/2006 5:20:37 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		*fast reply to the OP*

He's toying with you because you allow it and because it gives him an ego boost.  He walked;  it's time to close that door completely.

No one can have any power over you that you do not allow them.

So, as others have said, email him and tell him you don't want to hear from him, then block him.  IM him and tell him you don't want to hear from him and block him.  Block his phone number(s).  Be proactive, as the time for being reactive is long since over.  You have to take care of you.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to wandering4u)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/21/2006 6:01:08 AM   
MrrPete


Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		your promise is not binding because he has rejected you and is in no position to hold you to it. I doubt seriously ther is anyone on the board that would hold you to it.

By the power vested in me you are hereby released from siad promise and are free from any obligation.


_____________________________

Awrabest,

Mr. Pete

Boycott Citgo

(in reply to mourningdove666)
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RE: what if you were in love? - 7/21/2006 5:19:55 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		All I can say is I agree with the rest and simply want to say good luck to you and I hope you can break the ties quickly so you can allow yourself to heal sooner.

(in reply to MrrPete)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: what if you were in love? - 7/21/2006 5:47:42 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		mourning,
I can feel your sadness.
The advice I offer you is advice I hope someone would offer me.

I hope that you will be kind and gentle with yourself in letting go of something that, although it is objectively something negative and unhealthy, has been a part of your life for the past two years.
I agree with the advice that you should fill your life with other things, things that will feed your soul. Music, nature, philanthropy...whatever it is that makes you feel free and whole and alive when you are in a good place, do it while you are in a hard place, do it when you dont feel like doing it. Do it because you dont feel like doing it. Be faithful to yourself as you have been to your Daddy.
Even though what you are holding onto now is just the hollow shell of what was your relationship with your Daddy, its absence will leave an empty space and that space is going to hurt. Sometimes its out of feeling a hurt that something important crystalizes in the mind and we are able to find some meaning.

Once you find it, if you need to hold onto something, you can hang on to that meaning for a while, instead of the past.



_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to mourningdove666)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: what if you were in love? - 7/23/2006 11:23:41 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Yup, I agree with all the posters unfortunately.
He's playing you, Dump him!
Move on with your life!

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: what if you were in love? - 7/24/2006 1:53:20 PM   
Zenar


Posts: 39
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline 		The heart is such a funny thing, we can actually love something that is not good for us. Such a silly but painfull fact. The bad part is that when you honestly love someone, it never goes away. It fades over time, it dies off, but they will always be there as something special in your heart. That is why it is so difficult to let go of someone like this, because it hurts more to let go of them than to continue to be hurt by them. But the thing is that in the long run, after the pain fades some, you evetually move on to find someone else, and when you eventually find that special someone, they fill your heart to where all other pain goes away. Those empty places are filled and instead become warm memories of a lifetime that has past.

I have to agree with everyone else, the only way to let go of someone like this is to light a match and burn that bridge!

Been there, done that.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 20
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