How to start (Full Version)

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abegeil -> How to start (5/4/2016 10:42:51 AM)

I hope a domina will agree to give me some tips. After all everybody has to start one day!

Hi,
I am a sub who suspects she's also a switch. I have longings that are extremely inappropriate for a sub.
I would like to give it a try and take a male slave in my careful hands, make him suffer and feel my power.

But I also have second thoughts.
I've always had Masters who were able to feel my limits and take me gently but firmly over them.
I am not sure I would be able to do the same.
In clear I have plenty of ideas and phantasies about what I would do, were a male sub to offer himself to me. But I am uneasy about the hurting bit.
How to tread safely into the suffering room.

I know I could use safe words but I remember not using them myself when I should have, expecially when I was inexperienced.

Is there somebody who can help me?

Abe



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: How to start (5/4/2016 10:54:37 AM)

quote:

I have longings that are extremely inappropriate for a sub.

There is no such thing. You like what you like.
quote:

But I am uneasy about the hurting bit.

So don't do that, it is not required.



OsideGirl -> RE: How to start (5/4/2016 11:03:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: abegeil
But I am uneasy about the hurting bit.



You're confusing BDSM with D/s.

D/s is Dominance and submission. You can engage in D/s and never engage in BDSM.

BDSM is bondage, discipline, Sado-Masochism. It's essentially kinky sex. You can engage in BDSM and never engage in D/s.

So, just because you feel Dominant doesn't mean you have to engage in Sado-Masochism.

There is no wrong way to do this, so just find what feels comfortable to you.



DesFIP -> RE: How to start (5/5/2016 8:23:12 AM)

I think it's admirable that you want to be sure of your topping skills and not harm someone.
So you need to learn how to do things safely. You do this by taking workshops, attending demos and also by reading how to books and practicing impact skills on pillows. You also should join your local community and make friends who you could ask to explain how they learned to do things, how to know how to read a bottom, etc.

And then start playing at parties with one of these friends co topping. Or just watching and then telling you afterward what you could do next time. Ask the DM to keep an eye on you.

These are learnable skills, so go learn them.



abegeil -> RE: How to start (5/7/2016 6:13:53 AM)

Thank you DesFIP. I'll try that although communities around Brussels are not numerous. I went to a local munch but it was more about shibari than anything else and all male Doms/female subs. I'll search further. Most domina's I've come accross are commercial. Maybe I should pay one to reach me.

To OsideGirl no I know I'd like to inflict pain but I probably chose the wrong vocabulary for my question. Thanks for taking the time to answer.
Abe



UllrsIshtar -> RE: How to start (5/7/2016 9:37:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: abegeil

Thank you DesFIP. I'll try that although communities around Brussels are not numerous. I went to a local munch but it was more about shibari than anything else and all male Doms/female subs. I'll search further. Most domina's I've come accross are commercial. Maybe I should pay one to reach me.

To OsideGirl no I know I'd like to inflict pain but I probably chose the wrong vocabulary for my question. Thanks for taking the time to answer.
Abe



It's been half over 6 years since I last attended, but the FetishCafe in Antwerp used to have a good mix of Dommes verus Doms, and was very lifestyle oriented, instead of having an emphasis on shibari.
Back when I used to work there (~10 years ago) Ron, the owner, used to regularly hook people up with available partners he knew in the community, and he's got several lifestyle Domme friends.

I know that to Belgian norms driving to Antwerp for a night out is considered 'an undertaking' but to put it into perspective: Since moving to the US, I regularly drive 430km (one way) to attend my local BDSM club. I'm sure you'll be able to manage the half hour drive. [:D]

http://www.fetish-cafe.com/language.html



Shandirra -> RE: How to start (5/7/2016 11:38:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

BDSM is bondage, discipline, Sado-Masochism. It's essentially kinky sex.


Not everyone automatically equates BDSM with sex. Just saying...

quote:

ORIGINAL: abegeil

Most domina's I've come accross are commercial. Maybe I should pay one to reach me.



If you do, check references first. Some professionals will mentor, for a fee. Like anything else though, you're going to want a list of people that can vouch for their expertise. Not sure if you're familiar with the term "vetting", but that's essentially what you're seeking. Friend of a friend recommendations. Professional vetting would be preferable. Good luck.



LilJuly76 -> RE: How to start (5/7/2016 3:52:09 PM)



Not everyone automatically equates BDSM with sex. Just saying...

this is exactly what I been trying to tell a guy that sends me messages, don't mind talking online but I have been saying that very same thing over and over and he ain't getting it.



slavelyn95008 -> RE: How to start (5/20/2016 1:54:19 PM)

First writing person sounds confused.



fredhopper33 -> RE: How to start (7/1/2016 1:29:00 PM)

how can I start to be a sub or slave to a mistress because I would like to find one in Illinois or springfied or Chicago what am I doing wrong it is because ei am not married in the first place or I am a virgin 44 and single just wan to know



OsideGirl -> RE: How to start (7/1/2016 1:51:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fredhopper33

how can I start to be a sub or slave to a mistress because I would like to find one in Illinois or springfied or Chicago what am I doing wrong it is because ei am not married in the first place or I am a virgin 44 and single just wan to know

I would suggest attended your local munches and events. Get to know people, volunteer to be staff, be gracious and watch and listen.



WickedsDesire -> RE: How to start (7/1/2016 2:34:24 PM)

I am...and you are a man



ResidentSadist -> RE: How to start (7/1/2016 5:09:37 PM)

There are a lot of rewarding aspects to the other side of the kneel that let you "make him suffer and feel my power", without having to expand your partner's horizons beyond their existing limits. I suggest you could comfortably venture into BDSM from the top side, if don't try to also expand your partners limits in your first session... especially guided only by "feel".

Don't get me wrong, I love that experience has given me fine tuned empathy skills. I can "feel their limits" and "gently but firmly" guide my partner over them... however I didn't have those skills on my first day. They developed over time. Communication is the key and if you have a self-aware and communicative partner, you should be able to find a lot of common ground in which to ply your craft.

I suggest you get some experience under your belt in the non-limit-breaking comfort zone you both have in common. As time goes by you will eventually develop your skills and trust bond enough to venture into their uncharted waters by feel instead of well defined discussion and negotiation.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would like to give it a try and take a male slave in my careful hands, make him suffer and feel my power."
"But I also have second thoughts."
"I've always had Masters who were able to feel my limits and take me gently but firmly over them."
"I am not sure I would be able to do the same."
~~~~~~~~~~~



DesFIP -> RE: How to start (7/1/2016 8:09:19 PM)

And some of us are firm about not wanting our limits broken. We know what does and doesn't work for us and have zero interest in a play partner who claims they know us better than we do.

If some casual top ignored what I said, they'd find me walking out as a result.



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