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Relationships - 5/11/2016 5:14:05 PM   
OsideGirl


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So...as an attempt to have a thread that isn't about complaining about sexes, orientation or titles, let's try...

What do you think are the tenets of a good power dynamic relationship? Do you feel that those tenets are different than a vanilla relationship?

Ready...set...go!

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude
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RE: Relationships - 5/11/2016 5:21:19 PM   
Greta75


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I feel it's different.

I feel like sometimes in vanilla relationship can last a long time, without indepthly emotionally connecting as long as practicalities matches.

But what I realise is, different humans also process things differently.

There are many people who can engage in power exchange without emotions involve. Then it makes the vanilla and power exchange relationships the same.

For me, I can't.

But I can easily engage in vanilla sex without emotions involve.

Perhaps that's why I feel power exchange relationships just feel deeper.

The kinda sexual intimacy two people have with each other feels deeper and makes me feel closer, than in a vanilla sexual intimacy.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Relationships - 5/11/2016 5:28:49 PM   
UllrsIshtar


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As far as crucial tenets go, which are different than those in vanilla relationships, I would have to say "The recognizing that both parties are not equal".

That's not to mean that one is 'lesser', and the other 'better', but rather to mean that both are not the same. In order for a power dynamic to exist, one needs to have opposites which complement one another. Each with their own value, and each with their own opposite strengths and weaknesses.

While vanilla relationships can be based on a foundation of equality, power exchange dynamics cannot be.
(And again, by saying that they're not based on equality, I'm not saying that they're not based on equal merit, or equal personal value.)

So as far as 'good' power dynamics go, I would say that a key tenet is a recognition, celebration, embracing, and valuing of that inequality.
I've seen power dynamics based on the doctrine of equality-in-all-way-other-than-that-different-stuff-makes-us-horny, and they never last long, at least not as power dynamics.




< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 5/11/2016 5:31:21 PM >


_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

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RE: Relationships - 5/11/2016 8:06:34 PM   
Snitch


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Never are both parties equal.
In any relationship.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
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RE: Relationships - 5/11/2016 8:14:24 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
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Good relationships are good relationships. They all require good communication, fair fighting skills and a high degree of compatibility.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Relationships - 5/11/2016 8:16:04 PM   
littleclip


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i enjoy the power dynamic as it allows me to express my service submission best. i feel valued by the one that i grant the power to and in return the power wielder values my service. in my dynamic exchange it is equal as i give my gift of submission and the power over me and the owner controls the power. its not as simple as a balancing scale but in the exchange there is a equality and trust and for many that are able to have it as well a deep felt love and respect for the owner that even after separating is still felt

_____________________________

currently owned by LadyAthena15805
i will always come to the call of those i love


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RE: Relationships - 5/12/2016 12:33:17 AM   
ThatDizzyChick


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I'm with DesFIP. I don't think the tenets are all that different.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

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RE: Relationships - 5/12/2016 6:27:34 AM   
WickedsDesire


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They should be equal as Snitch DesFIP DesFIP say/infer/allude to, or only darkness itself.

I can write this many ways I have been around a long long time, some would say too long ;)

Here is how I see the reality, in almost all cases, on these sites, clubs etc, call it what you wish. A warped interpretation of what the word lifestyle used to mean, if I was to be asked.

Creature of utter wretch’s hookup >90% of the time with only monsters and sophistry. Caught forever, within all moments, of utter malarkey, evermore, and not the good kind. Too many reasons to go into.

Fractured and damaged seek only liars, cheats and vagabonds and monstrosities...it would appear I am having problems wording my thoughts. No matter...but you have the gist, dear readers, of what I am trying to say.

I can cite a wealth of reality from many perspectives - let me see if i can.

I once dated a women and she was a nice women with phd. So initially I thought I had moderately sentient being on my hand.

Sex she would just open her legs and present her hole – never a good sign – nor the men who would stick it in all holes.

So after a couple of dates I started to ask her about her past dates and life and wants and needs. Then not long after that I had a conversation with her I said you are too vulberable for me to date. I am not entirely sure it registered, it certainly did not resonate through her mind.

Fast forward a few months I came across her by chance on a site
And her next date after me was a conman a notorious one at that
And her next date after that was a man (from fet) who drove her to the countryside (not doubt not his house as his wife would be miffed) blindfolded her fuked her hole (see earlier ref). Took off said blindfold and said that was not me who fuked you it ws someone else “nah” she said.
“Yes” he said and here is the video from proof.
she told the story openly on fb – so I have no qualms mentioning it here, fetlife they just delete me when I do.

Anyhow I said to the vulnerable one no matter how I look at that that is rape. And that was her next two choices after me. I hope she finds happiness, perhas she has, the chance of it occurring on these places are <1% due to the sophists monsters that make up the bulk of the userbase…ban me off fetlife when I mention that too

Example 2. Another creature, nice person within, but brokey. I thought we would try poly it was my idea and how many poly forums swinger forums have I be banned off now- all of fets. Why? I simply state these relationships almost never work and the only people who say so, with a handful of exceptions, are those cheating on everyone.

Now, I do not doubt for a minute she is hard work and all brokey for she is simply fragile person (and still owes me 5 vodkas to this date). So she went down the route of poly and her partner discovered he liked it and left her for another part of that couple.

To be clear both of these women are nice women – and its common knowledge here and there, both have wrote their story

Example 1 Never said to me you were correct and I apologize you tried to tell me in soo many ways.
Example 2 I should have kissed, what now 12 years ago, and perhaps she would not have set out on her path.

Unfortuately I believe both to be caught within cycle and they must burden 50% of the blame (or 100% of their own blame) for the choices that they make.

Did I answer this one OsideGirl

As for DesFIP you lack the capacity to answer Ops question and no surprise, to me ThatDizzyChick has chosen to concur with desfips words

(in reply to ThatDizzyChick)
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RE: Relationships - 5/12/2016 10:24:17 AM   
catize


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It is difficult for a couple to live/relate in a state of total equality.

I think it is common that one person in any given relationship is the leader and the other follows. In order for the relationship to be a good one, the leader takes responsibility for his/her actions and decisions so that the follower can trust those decisions.

If there is any difference it possibly would be that in a D/s setting the 'who leads and who follows' is openly discussed and therefore a cognizant decision rather than a “vanilla” couple who may unconsciously accept the dynamic that works for them.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Relationships - 5/12/2016 10:40:16 AM   
DaddySatyr


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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

It is difficult for a couple to live/relate in a state of total equality.

I think it is common that one person in any given relationship is the leader and the other follows. In order for the relationship to be a good one, the leader takes responsibility for his/her actions and decisions so that the follower can trust those decisions.

If there is any difference it possibly would be that in a D/s setting the 'who leads and who follows' is openly discussed and therefore a cognizant decision rather than a “vanilla” couple who may unconsciously accept the dynamic that works for them.



I have been saying this exact thing for a long time, but I don't think it's limited to romantic relationships.

I've notice this phenomenon amongst friends. I've even had a couple of bosses who deferred to me (sometimes, publicly, which I never understood) because they realized that my input was an asset to them.

I really do believe that there is a "natural order" to this type of thing.



Michael


_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to catize)
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RE: Relationships - 5/12/2016 11:03:16 AM   
catize


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Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

I've notice this phenomenon amongst friends.


Nods...........there is usually a leader in any group of friends to whom the followers defer, and I can be the leader or the follower depending on which group of friends I am with. Many years ago I was friends with 3 other women. One woman was definitely the leader and we teased that we 3 were her court and she was the queen.

quote:


I really do believe that there is a "natural order" to this type of thing.


Someone has to make the final decision!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
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RE: Relationships - 5/12/2016 11:14:20 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr




I really do believe that there is a "natural order" to this type of thing.



Michael



My grandmother explained married to me as akin to puzzle pieces. Where one piece has an indent, the other has tab that fills in that space. She believed that no marriage is absolutely equal, it's about balancing each other out and creating a balanced force.

I think the difference with D/s is that we tend to go into relationships acknowledging the leader/follower roles.

I do think the overall tenets are pretty much the same.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
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RE: Relationships - 5/12/2016 2:46:42 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

So...as an attempt to have a thread that isn't about complaining about sexes, orientation or titles, let's try...

What do you think are the tenets of a good power dynamic relationship? Do you feel that those tenets are different than a vanilla relationship?

Ready...set...go!


Transparency - When you are about to embark on a journey with the devils, it's best to get all your demons lined up first. If you aren't aware of the triggers when probing depth, good can go to bad with neither one of you in a position to handle it well or, perhaps, at all. Even then it's a crap shoot if those triggers are hidden. Too, to be able to indulge the base or utter truth of who we are to another person and still having that person want you is scary to enact and brave to execute. Some of us enjoy things which are close to the end of the bell curve of risky behavior. Better such things are not left revealed at the surprise birthday party in front of Auntie Em. ;)

Application - If you want to control the horse, jump in the saddle and pick up the reins. Michael used to say that he reserved the right to exercise his authority but I would add, too, that there is also a responsibility to utilize it wisely.

Discernment - Being able to differentiate what it takes to survive vs what it takes for a relationship to thrive under authority.

Understanding - Regardless of the side you accept or choose you are neither a monster nor a subhuman for your desires even if it looks like it temporarily.

Financial stability - I understand this is something important regardless of ones chosen lifestyle however those of us who laugh whilst beating fleshy targets are much more likely to need bail/lawyer $ than Joe and Mary simply bumping fuglies in the bedroom.

A willingness to take risks - Physical, emotional, financial, familial even friendships thought to be solid can be lost ... being outed or even just coming out may have consequences that others wouldn't have to even conceptualize.

Thicker than average skin - Some of the things done make non-participants blush and twitter.. or even wish they could join.. others than are reviled and mere mention garners disgust and contempt. Your odds increase incrementally in conjunction with your repertoire of being held below esteem. In other words, no matter how benign, someone is going to say eww and others are going to say mmm and there's nothing you can do about that.. so.. thick skin.

Those are off the top of my head and with the understanding that issues of compatibility are going to need to be addressed regardless of the choices one makes in how one lives.








_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Relationships - 5/13/2016 12:24:24 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

Someone has to make the final decision!



It's funny you say that. My profile contains the words: "In every relationship, someone has to 'drive the bus'. Just call me: 'Ralph Cramden'!"



Michael


_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Relationships - 5/13/2016 1:40:02 PM   
Cinnamongirl67


Posts: 854
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i never could find satisfaction or stability in an enforced power dynamic. It was like having the life sucked out of me, totally draining and not mentally healthy. But I can find no understanding in poly, being a constant giver or feeling used. It was much like having the sun come out for one second but the rest of the time a dark cloud was over my head. I think that was due to incompatibilities. The relationship was cold and hard, most of the time. Different strokes for different folks but for the life of me, I couldn't see anything of deep lasting value.
I would never give it a try again.
Vanilla in my life, with more equality is the only thing that makes sense. More give and take. Less one sided.

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Balanced Chakra
http://youtu.be/Gl9AGlbe3YU

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RE: Relationships - 5/13/2016 4:58:32 PM   
PearlPuffer


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I think the tenants definitely hold true. Every relationship no matter how vanilla has a D/s pairing in order to work. Think of it as "Leave It To Beaver" in leather. Granted I'm a dom, I don't own slaves outside of the bedroom. But i'd get a lot more out of having a pillow fight on the couch than I would making her drink from the toilet or being a human footstool. Call me sick.

(in reply to Cinnamongirl67)
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RE: Relationships - 5/13/2016 5:54:17 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
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I'm going to have to disagree with Bita.

Holding the reins only works if the horse allows you to control it. Should it decide not to be your partner, expect to be flying through the air for a hard landing.

With horse and rider, as with people, you can be better as a team than as individuals.
But to get that, you have to earn the horse's respect. They have to trust you to be in charge, and they have to want to do what you do. You have to be a good match.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to PearlPuffer)
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RE: Relationships - 5/13/2016 6:20:31 PM   
BitaTruble


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From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP



Holding the reins only works if the horse allows you to control it. ... You have to be a good match.


You disagree with me because you choose to move the goal posts of the OP then ascribe what I actually wrote in response to the OP as holding true to your moved goal posts.

Par for the course so, no surprises.







_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Relationships - 5/14/2016 3:45:05 AM   
closetoyou


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WHATS A TENET ????????????????

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RE: Relationships - 5/14/2016 4:26:05 AM   
ThatDizzyChick


Posts: 5490
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quote:

ten·et
ˈtenət/
noun
a principle or belief, especially one of the main principles of a religion or philosophy.


Google is your friend.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

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