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ifmaz -> RE: O'Reilly: No mortars, bazookas, tanks, grenades . . . even with gangsters or NWO. 2nd Amend reg. (6/18/2016 9:06:09 PM)
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FR
quote:
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-05-02/news/ct-met-huppke-column-tanks-20130502_1_abrams-congressional-district-army
Psst, hey buddy, want to buy a tank?
Army has some Abrams M1s it doesn't need
May 02, 2013|By Rex W. Huppke, Chicago Tribune reporter
I'm here to tell you, my fellow Americans, that there has never been a better time to buy a heavily armored Abrams tank.
A tank, you ask? Why on earth would a civilian buy a tank, Abrams or otherwise?
There are two answers to that question:
1) Tanks are awesome.
2) We have a surplus of Abrams tanks that need good homes, so buying one is both humane and patriotic. It's like when you see a Girl Scout who has too many boxes of Thin Mints — you're morally obligated to buy the excess supply.
The tank surplus comes from a funny little quirk in government planning. According to the Army, 67 Abramses were paid for in the fiscal year 2012 budget, and Congress authorized an additional $181 million for about 20 more tanks. But military officials, apparently incapable of recognizing you can never have enough 70-ton killing machines, say the current fleet of 2,400 tanks is plenty and they don't want any more.
(The funny part is that the money the government spent is ours!)
Gen. Ray Odierno, the Army's chief of staff, told The Associated Press recently: "If we had our choice, we would use that money in a different way."
But a bipartisan group of politicians looking to spend an extra $436 million on modernizing existing Abrams tanks seems confident the Army will grow to love the armored behemoths once they get to know them.
The enthusiasm of these lawmakers — who are from Ohio — has nothing to do with the fact that Abrams tanks are produced in Lima, Ohio. Just read what Republican Rep. Jim Jordan told the AP: "Look, (the plant) is in the 4th Congressional District and my job is to represent the 4th Congressional District, so I understand that. But the fact remains, if it was not in the best interests of the national defense for the United States of America, then you would not see me supporting it like we do."
Of course he (we) wouldn't. And it's a historical fact that congressional representatives know way more about national defense than rank amateurs like "generals" or "the military."
But there's just no pleasing some highly trained professional soldiers. Even if we dress the tanks up a bit and call them "land drones," the Army's still likely to scoff.
That's why it's incumbent upon we, the people, to purchase these rolling beauties, described on the Army's website as "particularly suitable for attacking or defending against large concentrations of heavy armor forces on a highly lethal battlefield."
If you don't regularly contend with highly lethal battlefields, like the Eisenhower Expressway, an Abrams tank has myriad other uses that make it the perfect choice for today's on-the-go commuter.
Frustrated by city dwellers who use folding chairs and other random items to call "dibs" on parking spaces in the winter? With your new 32-foot long, 12-foot wide Abrams M1 Metropolitan Transportation Device, just roll over the neighbor's milk crates, pop open the hatch and shout, "Dibs!" (For added effect, you can use the tank's 105 mm cannon to blow the roof off the offending neighbor's two-flat.)
The Abrams is also a perfect vehicle for first-time drivers (maximum speed is 45 mph), will make Hummer owners feel insecure and is worth the price (about $7.5 million, with attractive financing plans available) just to see people's reactions when you park it at Whole Foods and walk in for a pound of quinoa.
If driving with lethal force isn't your thing, the Abrams M1A1 model makes for an indispensable gardening tool. Whether you need holes to plant your lilies or just a quick way to loosen up some soil, the Abrams' 120 mm cannon will get the job done in no time. And the newer versions come with a nuclear, biological and chemical protection system, so you won't have to worry about bug spray or fertilizer damaging your shiny new tank. (Undercoat protection available at additional cost.)
If you're lucky and act now, you might be the first person on your block to own one of these symbols of American military might and sensible financial planning. Of course if someone beats you to it, you'll probably want to buy two.
That's the beauty of having regular Americans purchase the Army's castoff tanks. Say the Henderson family gets an M1A1 instead of an overpriced rototiller. Everybody knows Mr. Henderson is a little loopy, so neighbors will feel compelled to buy at least one tank per household to keep the Hendersons from gaining military superiority.
The Hendersons will then see the surge in neighborhood tank ownership as a threat, prompting them to purchase two more Abramses, one for their teenage son Bobby, and one that they'll convert into a decorative fountain.
Pretty soon every God-fearing (and tank-fearing) American has a tank or two, our Second Amendment rights are stretched to their logical extreme and the National Rifle Association is reminding us that, "The only way to stop a bad guy with an Abrams tank is with a good guy with an Abrams tank."
That's capitalism. And that's how we keep an Ohio tank plant in business, make our beloved politicians look noncrazy and, above all else, keep America safe.
See you on the highway! (Or whatever is left of it.)
I'm still not convinced it would fit in my garage.
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