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I need some clarification - 6/27/2016 5:42:25 PM   
alwayshisangel


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/27/2016
Status: offline 		I'm new to being a sub. I've always been interested, but just recently decided this is something I really want. But the thing is, neither me or my guy is really into the pain part of it. I'm more interested in being controlled, physically and psychologically. I feel like I fit the whole submissive role well, but I also feel like an outsider because we don't have that "pain" element. Is this something different, am I taking it out of context? I'm so new to this that I don't even know where to look for answers or ideas or if what we're doing is even considered a dom/sub relationship.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I need some clarification - 6/27/2016 6:35:42 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		BDSM is Bondage/Disciplie/Sado-Masochism - it's essentially the kink.

D/s is Dominance and submission. It's a power exchange relationship.

You can engage in BDSM and never in D/s - ie:topping or bottoming

You can engage in D/s and never in BDSM.

Do what feels good for you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to alwayshisangel)
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RE: I need some clarification - 6/27/2016 7:14:10 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		All you and your guy need be concerned with, is playing around, and safely experimenting with what the two of you find erotically appealing and sexually exciting. There is no standard D/s formula to follow other than the D/ partner being the one in authority to whom the /s partner has consented to follow, within mutually agreed-upon ownership limits. (Otherwise, you would both be S/switches, and there's nothing wrong with the spontaneity of that either, but it wouldn't be structured D/s.)

Being submissive is not the same as being masochistic. A good number of submissives are pain-averse. A masochist may or may not be submissive, and could just want to negotiate BDSM play.
I should mention that being submissive is not the same as being a slave, although opinions vary, in that consensual enslavement is an optional D/s practice; I personally view it as the M/s version of D/s.

Being Dominant is not the same as being sadistic. I'm not. A sadist may or may not want to take on the responsibility of becoming a Dominant-Owner (i.e., Master or Mistress) to his/her BDSM play partner.

As OsideGirl explained, you can have D/s without BDSM. You can have BDSM without D/s. You can have BDSM without S&M, although ordinarily there are some components of B&D, such as Mental Bondage if not literal Bondage.
You can have Domestic Discipline in the form of Funishment, without having a Humiliation & Punishment dynamic whatsoever.

Lighten up, give yourselves permission to have fun, be playful, and do not take things so seriously, especially in the bedroom. A lot of what transpires is bedroom D/s, and there is no rule that it ever has to go beyond having kinky sex-filled romantic interludes together. Do what works for the both of you in your intimate voyage of self-discovery and empowerment while finding out what comes naturally, instinctively, in seeking to please, gratify and satiate yourselves.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to alwayshisangel)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I need some clarification - 6/27/2016 7:49:55 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: alwayshisangel
I'm new to being a sub. I've always been interested, but just recently decided this is something I really want. But the thing is, neither me or my guy is really into the pain part of it. I'm more interested in being controlled, physically and psychologically. I feel like I fit the whole submissive role well, but I also feel like an outsider because we don't have that "pain" element. Is this something different, am I taking it out of context? I'm so new to this that I don't even know where to look for answers or ideas or if what we're doing is even considered a dom/sub relationship.

It's an a la carte menu. You order what appeals to you. No, you don't have to order the brussel sprouts if you don't like them.

Carol and I aren't into any of the kink. We don't do bondage. We don't do discipline. We don't do sadism & masochism. I do control her in pretty much every way... her job, what she eats, what she wears, or anything else that it occurs to me needs some guidance. That's what works for us. I've never been entirely sure what, if any BDSM label applies to us but I still post on BDSM boards and I still attend MAST meetings (Masters and Slaves Together). What we do works for us and I'm content to let others apply whatever label they choose to it.

Does that make us a bit of a BDSM outsider? Yes, but not really for social reasons. I've come to have some good friends in the BDSM community and we like to talk about the interests we share in common (D/s, M/s). But we're "outside" because kink events have very little appeal for us since it'd kind of like going to a chess tournament when you don't care about chess. But other than that, people are people and we find friends both in and out of the BDSM community.

If you want another measure of how inside or outside I am, I haven't posted here on collarspace in a while. When I posted again recently I got about 8 or so "Glad to see you back messages." Obviously, we are "inside" enough to have some friends here.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to alwayshisangel)
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RE: I need some clarification - 6/28/2016 5:03:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We do bondage, not pain. We don't do punishment. Basically he can make any decision he wants to, but he can't expect me to be happy about them.

Mainly they're about normal life things. So he can decide he wants to grill and I put the chicken back.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I need some clarification - 6/28/2016 7:00:19 PM   
ThatDizzyChick


Posts: 5490
Status: offline 		You get to decide for yourself what you are into and what you are not into.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I need some clarification - 6/29/2016 1:23:27 PM   
DocStrange


Posts: 1076
Joined: 6/10/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: alwayshisangel

I'm new to being a sub. I've always been interested, but just recently decided this is something I really want. But the thing is, neither me or my guy is really into the pain part of it. I'm more interested in being controlled, physically and psychologically. I feel like I fit the whole submissive role well, but I also feel like an outsider because we don't have that "pain" element. Is this something different, am I taking it out of context? I'm so new to this that I don't even know where to look for answers or ideas or if what we're doing is even considered a dom/sub relationship.


If you are not into pain, then do not do it. There is no law, etiquette or expectation for pain or any other aspect of BDSM or D/s. Simply explore what you enjoy. Dom/sub relationship can be as simple as dominance and submission. Physical control and be bondage without pain. Punishment can be things like you do not get to watch your favorite TV show that night, No dessert after dinner, you cannot go out with the girls? Lots of things can be done, all not requiring any pain.

Continue to ask questions, people here will help you.

_____________________________

Master of the Mystic Arts
Proprieter Verließ Von Strange
Rubber Fetishist
SciFi Fanatic

(in reply to alwayshisangel)
Profile   Post #: 7
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