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how to communicate my desires... - 6/29/2016 10:42:21 AM

ThoughtBubble

Posts: 3
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Ex and I explored a lot of d/s stuff. Like, he'd always tell me what to do and I liked that. I realize I've come to expect that and it's not really something new guy is doing (we met on a vanilla dating site). I brought it up once in a flirty sort of way - if you tell me what to do, I'd prefer that - but he hasn't. So in spite of wanting to do all sorts of things to him, I'm basically acting like a shy virgin because i don't really know how to initiate stuff.

On the dating site, he answered these multiple choice questions saying that he wants a partner who is kinkier than him and that he'd prefer to take charge during sex. And he sort of does.

I get the type of sex i want requires trust and communication. And I feel like if he thinks I am shy and bashful then why bring up what he might like? I'll probably have to initiate at least the first time to show him that yes, I like giving blowjobs for example. Then go from there? But initiating makes me feel all nervous. Ugh.

Does it make sense to take the reigns, so to speak, in order to get him to be more dominant?

Post #: 1

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/29/2016 10:53:46 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

Person first, kink second.

If you start bringing up stuff and he seems to baulk at it, chances are he's either totally new and scared or he's not 'into' whatever you brought up for discussion.

If the former, it could be a nice journey of discovery for both of you.
If the latter, you're probably better off seeking someone more compatible.

As the old saying goes: there's no stupid question except the one that wasn't asked.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to ThoughtBubble)

Post #: 2

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/29/2016 11:25:22 AM

Inghammar

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/25/2012
Status: offline

There could be a number of reasons why he doesn't take charge to the degree that you would like. The key to moving past that block is discovery of where he might be 'stuck'. For instance, we often learn of our fantasies at a young age then later learn that our desires are bad in some way and build up defensive walls to keep them inside to protect those we care about from our own 'dark' desires. Another 'block' could be fear of being judged and shamed, being imperfect and imagining his partner start to laugh after he 'says some ridiculous crap', for instance. There's no one size fits all method past this as I believe this depends upon the communication already built into the relationship.
My personal suggestion is not to couch discussion of kink as some sort of deep dark secret but rather as something as part of you as your eye color. This helps ease the tremendous social stigma placed around these discussions. Secondly it is often said that perfect is the enemy of good. You are not performing for Carnegie Hall. It's okay to laugh and have fun. There need not be any high level of performance anxiety to get started.
It's perfectly okay to get things started as a submissive. Approaching him in a collar, with a flogger, or whatever is meaningful in your relationship and purring 'what would you like to do to me?' into his ear is a perfectly reasonable first move. It shows that you as a submissive is willing to surrender power and then it allows your partner, the dom, to seize it.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 3

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/29/2016 11:26:42 AM

ThatDizzyChick

Posts: 5490
Status: offline

Just tell him what you want straight up, don't hint or be flirty, tell him plain and simple; this is the sort of relationship I want.

_____________________________

Not your average bimbo.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 4

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/29/2016 2:30:01 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThoughtBubble
Does it make sense to take the reigns, so to speak, in order to get him to be more dominant?

To me? Yes. I can empathize with your new guy. Finding out Carol wanted that of me took several clue-by-fours. If you want my advice, yes... demonstrate that you are sex positive and then tell him, repeatedly and directly, you prefer the submissive role in the bedroom. Tell him how it turns you on.

It may take a bit of convincing but assuming he's not totally against the idea than he'll come to believe.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ThoughtBubble)

Post #: 5

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/30/2016 9:29:19 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

"I'm curious. What are your sexual fantasies? Mine are XX and YY, but what really turns me on is doing something for you because I know you love it."

And be patient with him. Previously, you had a man that came to you already experienced with spanking, bondage, etc. The new guy will fumble a bunch until he gets it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 6

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/30/2016 10:21:59 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThoughtBubble

Does it make sense to take the reigns, so to speak, in order to get him to be more dominant?

No, dude. It makes you feel icky.

Listen, if you want the man to be a mind-reader, you'll need to help him out a little. That's going to require you opening your mind and not just letting him in but inviting him in.

I went to my Master, completely naked and got down on my knees in front of him and I held my arms out to my side and said this is all I have to offer you. My body to make use of, my brains and wit to entertain you. So what if you blush or something. Blushing, naked girls on their knees.. honey, that's a win in his book. I promise you. Do you want to help this man rise to his full potential.. that's a great uplift with which to start.

When I did that my hope was that it would last forever but I had already learned that you have to live in the moment.

So, that worked for me and I ended up getting a couple of decades worth of moments and.. I got the forever. Maybe it will work for you as well.

Be naked when you are fully clothed, be transparent when you want to put up walls, be open when you only want to slam the door closed, get rid of expectations and live in your reality.. don't hope, just serve. No one said it was going to be easy but, damn, girl have some fun. That.is.the.point.

You can do it. You know you can. Invite the guy inside your ThoughtBubble (great sn btw). Good luck to both of you. I hope you get your kink on and more. ;)

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to ThoughtBubble)

Post #: 7

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/30/2016 11:09:50 AM

WhoreMods

Posts: 10691
Joined: 5/6/2016
Status: offline

Learn semaphore.
A lot of tops are either going deaf, or deaf as a post already.

_____________________________

On the level and looking for a square deal.

(in reply to ThoughtBubble)

Post #: 8

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/30/2016 2:06:21 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

My man had 0 experience when we started. And now we hardly ever have vanilla sex (sometimes its just like...vanilla ice cream with caramel added- but still)...

Be honest, explain clearly, and be patient. Everyone here gave some good advice.
My guy was raised catholic, and pretty much like "never hit a girl"...so it took us a while to get past some of his stuff, and honestly some of mine.

We're a good pair though.

Although I'm way more sexual than him, we've found a happy place. Its totally possible, just be brave and talk to him.

(in reply to WhoreMods)

Post #: 9

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 6/30/2016 2:12:16 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

There's also a good book : When Someone You Love is Kinky

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 10

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/2/2016 10:08:32 AM

WickedsDesire

Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline

Have you tried wiring a 300 foot antenna, or sputnik, to your brain and beaming the message out into the vast aether. If what you say is true then find another man - you may elope with I and will open your mind to an abundance of earthly delights - actually I wont I program/condition/manipulate no-one...not that it ever really works.

Hmm communication tricky, some stories?
I was married once long ago...I simply had no wish to communicate with her. short story

Actually I find it very difficult to even to find someone to talk about the universe and am basically reduced to forums and the occasional mad ramble.

It is not my job to prize open your mind and introduce it to the wonders that beholden mine since the beginning of time.
You are a person not an object
There has to be some duality

Some people think me blunt on these forums for I am inclined to speak my mind and not mince words

I like rainbows, I prefer the electromagnetic spectrum...so I also agree with what freedom says...or you will end up just another "he/she doesn't understand me and can wicked really make a women wet with orgasm just by looking at her"

as darks has touched on this lightly then try that....But i am an INTJ so in person, and I am far from unique, I may be different for every tom dick and harlot that crosses my path.....stage two do it via a chat app - I believe this should really be stage one.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 11

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/2/2016 3:26:01 PM

LilJuly76

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline

see you're insulting someone new, no wonder people are getting fed up.

(in reply to WickedsDesire)

Post #: 12

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/2/2016 4:58:38 PM

Lookin4Lace

Posts: 87
Joined: 5/5/2016
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

see you're insulting someone new, no wonder people are getting fed up.

probably not LilJuly, most of the time i have found reading his dribble to be most confusing at best, in most cases i find people just skip over the babble and go straight for the informative information first, then if they are real curious they will go back and spend the time trying to understand the wee Bastards thoughts personally i skip over his ramblings as they don't seem to be structured from any common language they are more like Donald Trump reading a script from Batman in the mindset of Joker at best

(in reply to LilJuly76)

Post #: 13

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/3/2016 5:39:01 AM

LilJuly76

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
Status: offline

I think I might have to start doing that. I honestly tried to read through his drabble posts and I can't make hide nor hair of it. Jeannie in I dream of Jeannie made more sense to me speaking in a foreign language.

(in reply to Lookin4Lace)

Post #: 14

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/3/2016 6:39:57 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm going to say some things that go against the tide.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThoughtBubble

Ex and I explored a lot of d/s stuff. Like, he'd always tell me what to do and I liked that. I realize I've come to expect that and it's not really something new guy is doing (we met on a vanilla dating site).

OK. This is problem one. You're comparing Old Guy to New Guy and New Guy is lacking because he isn't doing things in the way the former Dom did. If the guy is new to the whole kink thing, he's probably finding his own footing about his own style of Domination. If you are expecting to be a Dominant in his own right, you shouldn't want a carbon copy of 'former Dom'.

quote:

I brought it up once in a flirty sort of way - if you tell me what to do, I'd prefer that - but he hasn't. So in spite of wanting to do all sorts of things to him, I'm basically acting like a shy virgin because i don't really know how to initiate stuff.

Hints, innuendos, being coy, and all of that crap, aren't really honest, straight-forward communication. In a relationship, it really is ok to discuss your desires. Depending on your personality type, you may have to pick a method that works for you to do this so that it's effective for you. It could be a BDSM checklist that highlights the things that you would enjoy, a piece of erotica that you ask him to read because the scenario turns you on, a letter that expresses the things you would like to share with him in the bedroom, or a dozen other things. You don't have to be bold enough to say, "I want you to pull my hair, force me to my knees, and order me to suck you off," but you do have to convey this message.

quote:

On the dating site, he answered these multiple choice questions saying that he wants a partner who is kinkier than him and that he'd prefer to take charge during sex. And he sort of does.

Well, if he 'sort of does,' is it possible that you aren't quite giving him the chance to reach his full potential? The guy might just be starting slow and working his way up. It's ok to want the things you want, but you also have to understand that he's got a pace of his own about what stage he's in for this whole kink thing. If he's just getting into spanking you or doing some light bondage, you have to remember that he's had a whole life of 'don't hit women' and 'you shouldn't restrain somebody against their will' going in his head. He might be in the position of trying a few things out, seeing that they are really ok, before he proceeds to do things that might be on the next level.

quote:

I get the type of sex i want requires trust and communication. And I feel like if he thinks I am shy and bashful then why bring up what he might like? I'll probably have to initiate at least the first time to show him that yes, I like giving blowjobs for example. Then go from there? But initiating makes me feel all nervous. Ugh.

Well, yeah. Read Bita's post again. What she said was a beautiful articulation about what it is to present yourself in openness. Being naked isn't about your clothes. And, I wouldn't necessarily say it's about initiating. Sometimes, it's about being open. If you really have the desire to be controlled, it's not really a bad thing to display that.

quote:

Does it make sense to take the reigns, so to speak, in order to get him to be more dominant?

I'd resist a person taking the reigns. A person giving me options and opportunities is an entirely different thing.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ThoughtBubble)

Post #: 15

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/3/2016 10:59:25 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

My husband and I have both vanilla sex and more aggressive sex (so to speak). Even after all of this time, I sometimes have to show him in some way that I need the harder stuff. Sometimes I will hint to him a couple of days before so that we make more time and during I will put his hand in my hair (my sign for do anything you want as hard as you want). This is after quite a bit of time together, so starting out is even harder to make sure both are in the same place.

I, like you, tend to me more shy in my desires so it has taken me a while to be able to do this. Just remember that even as a submissive we have to take the bull by the horns and show them what we want. I would love it if they were mind readers, but trust me..there are times I am glad he isn't.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/3/2016 11:10:05 PM

Lookin4Lace

Posts: 87
Joined: 5/5/2016
Status: offline

Hey all i figured i would chime in as well since i kinda thread jacked it above, anywho look coming from the male end of the spectrum here i often look at these posts and wonder how is it Man Ever Meets Woman, dont get me wrong here, but i am siding with the old tennant that Men are not mind readers and women are not just things to please mens other brain, People quit making things more complicated then it is, look im not going to talk about the male submissives here because by nature i am Dom however i will speak from my end or knowledge base, and set some time aside to read ths reply and let it sink in, if you have seen any of my other posts you would know i dont do one liners, and the fact that i am doing this on my cell phone is a feat all to itself so bear with me while i ramble abit.

Its fine to have questions about your sexual needs and what you think his are as well, the trouble here is your bringing those questions here when you should be talking to him, we cant hold your hand here and make your decisions for you, and if i sound crass please understand im not, i am blunt and i tell it like it isand i dont hide from whether im right or wrong, look if need more from him then draw on your primal instincts because that is where this kink if you will lives in real time, dont beat atound the bush and if need be SHOW HIM HOW YOU WANT IT, he is a male he is a man and if you havent figured it out yet he has an ego, so stroke it, submit to it trust in it because that is where you will find him, at the very least he will get it, he will crave it and he will open up to you and it more readily, but take a moment first and do you and him a favor , sit down and have a talk be open about your needs, your wants and if you want to be his fantasy then drop the nieveness the tryin to be a blushing shy virgin, because you are sending mixed signals and those signals to someone that has already admitted to you "wants someone kinkier then him" is closing the door when you aproach him in that manner, in my eyes if i put a post like that up and got a woman who i met and started a relationship with and she did that it would really deflate that emotional response or primal instinct because it would leave me feeling that i have recieved a woman or/sub who liked me but was testng the waters as to whether she was a sub or not, at the very least after you have spoken and been honest with him and shown him, you will most likely come out feeling better about yourself and your relationship, him on ther hand YOU WILL BE ON HIS MIND NIGHT AND DAY, together and apart, look us men when it comes to women and understanding them and knowing what you are thinking at any moment is like watching Forrest Gump eating spaghetti and talking politics or a dog chasing a car and not knowing what to do with it if we ever caught it, its really just that simple, that why this or any other KINK WORKS because it closes those doors and allows nature to take its course

So let it,

Now your are waiting for a but.... Well here it is from his perspective as was stated above don't expect one Dom to be like another, don't assume he understands you, he doesn't you and him by the sounds of it are still fresh and exploring that is the natural course of things dont fight it instead nurture it envelope yourself in it, most of all take your time with it, mistakes will happen, dont close yourself off when they do he is more likely testing the waters with you as well and here is where acting shy will.be your defeat, if he is wanting and willing to move forward in kink with someone more.kinkier then he is chances are acting shy will slam those brakes.on hard, because he will be left.wondering if you are playing head games with him so dont unless.that is the both of yours prefered *kink

< Message edited by Lookin4Lace -- 7/3/2016 11:18:16 PM >

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 17

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/4/2016 6:41:39 AM

littleclip

Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline

as others have said dont be coy about it say this is something that interests me would you like to discuss it explore it with me. find out what he thinks about it he may have a preconceived idea of it that is not correct.
i didnt understand what it was until a leather Domme explained it to me, now i am a owned service slave and kink is a part of my life.
my suggestion is ask him what he thinks of it first "what do you think of X" start the discussion based on his level of understanding

_____________________________

currently owned by LadyAthena15805
i will always come to the call of those i love

(in reply to Lookin4Lace)

Post #: 18

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/4/2016 8:16:12 AM

bondageerone

Posts: 522
Joined: 6/16/2016
Status: offline

ONCE AGAIN FROM A GHOST WITH NO PROFILE.. FOR F S SAKE. LOOK UP FIRST.

(in reply to ThoughtBubble)

Post #: 19

RE: how to communicate my desires... - 7/5/2016 5:08:24 PM

Awareness

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThoughtBubble
how to communicate my desires...

Telepathy, of course. Duh.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to ThoughtBubble)

Post #: 20

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