subvrgn
Posts: 1
Joined: 7/2/2015
Status: offline
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For decades, I have lived as a dominant man. I word it like that for a reason. I remembered very little of my childhood so I never really
thought about it. A couple years ago, some repressed memories surfaced. I had been raped at age 17 by a man who was very into BDSM.
He did whatever he wanted to me for a year and a half.
I was in the Navy so I couldn't get away. He was a shipmate. When we were in port, he had a house off base. He would always threaten to tell
others what was going on unless I was compliant.
I was small for my age, quiet and stayed to myself because people made fun of me for being the little nerd. I couldn't handle what might
happen if they found out what he was making me do. Without taking away from what happens to a girl when she is raped, at least they got
to keep their gender. I did not. He turned me into his little girl, complete with clothes and make up.
He didn't use safe words. He did what he wanted regardless what it did to me. And there were the parties... I had to serve the other men and
comply with whatever they wanted to do. There were pictures and videos but no internet back in the 70's.
When the memories came back, they really messed me up. The shame and humiliation was back. When he was transferred, I was free and
I swore no one would ever treat like that again. He took my virginity and taught me about ropes and discipline. I got transferred to the
Philippines. I bought my first slave for 70.00usd cash. She made me feel like a man, a king... Between slaves and dope, I forgot how it all
started. For decades, I've been a Dom.
Now, I don't know who I am. I am married and while my wife knows what happened, she doesn't get it. We had met online on the old
Bondage.com IRC channel. She was supposed to be a slave and she really did try but after we were married, I realized she is no submissive.
I said all that to say this...
I grew up as a complete submissive and that's who I am inside. I'm not gay. The sight of a good looking guy does nothing for me. I love hot
compliant women. But there were things that, to my shame, I grew to enjoy. So, now I am lost. I have tried therapy but when I hear
someone who thinks they can "fix" me by measured breathing and being "mindful" I get a bit nuts.
So, I am here to discover myself again. One thing I am not is that "super strict" dom. I'm not here to be fixed or counseled. My VA
therapist believes that I might discover that being vanilla is enough. I can't picture that after what I've been through... So, don't be shy. Just
be close geographically. Thanks for reading my ramblings...
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Lost and confused - 
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