RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (Full Version)

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Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/25/2016 9:56:41 PM)

A lot of people tend to link and connect everything to D/s, or rather they feel or believe this is what is expected.

It might stun you to discover that everybody is not so rigid and inflexible.
Communication helps, along with being open to others about what you are into.

I myself have a Maso streak or side. There's a bit of a difference between topping/bottoming and D/s and then there's a whole concept of topping from the bottom which is what I love to do when somebody is inflicting pain upon me.

But because I have been and was honest and open about it, I was able to get what I wanted when I really wanted it! LOL

I don't think of myself as being purely a Masochist. I have a sadist side and other facets as well. I'm far more Sadistic than I am Maso. However, I don't purely consider myself a sadist and that alone.

I love to play rough, and how rough it get's depend upon; whom I'm with, what's going on, and what the relationship, understanding and arrangements we have with one another.

There's no need to feel alone in this lifestyle. Everybody here does not exactly fit into the stereotyping and labels fully.

There's not any options to let people select Bottom or Top on this site when it comes to orientation. I've seen options like that on a few other sites before.

Select what's the closest one which describes you and clarify it in what you write about yourself on your profile.













sardonicus87 -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 12:59:48 AM)

Well that's the thing, I haven't limited my scope to only pure masochists. Anyone that mentions pain or masochism, I have tried to connect with.

Like my girlfriend, she is a masochistic spanko. I don't care for the spanking myself, but I do it because it's not something I hate, but what she can or is willing to do on the maso side is rather limited.

Some nipple stuff and some biting in certain areas (no piercing, no broken skin anywhere, not that those are necessary). No scratching, some harder spanking on occasion, but that's really about it, some nipple pinching/biting and some biting on the shoulder or butt. Oh, and hair pulling.

That's pretty limited.

That and I know not everyone identifies as S&M even if that's ttheir primary, with a lot just identifying as top/bottom in order to be more broadly accepted.

And when it comes to this stuff, sometimes it feels like I am always making all the concessions. I give them exactly what they like, I never get what I do. And there's good reason behind that: while I am not into what they're into, I don't hate it. Pretty neutral on their things. My things, are things they don't want to do, and I won't force it.

It's not a bartering thing where: "if I do this for you, you have to do that for me". Which I get. I'm not trying to say that I give everything and get nothing in return or trying to sound like I deserve anything.

But very few within aa feasible/reasonable distance (75 miles) are ever willing to even meet up in a public setting or attend a munch. Actually around here, almost nobody will play with anyone other than someone they're in a romantic relationship with anyway, which further limits things.

I did have a woman that is new to the local scene message me out of the blue, having been to only one munch, about pain and I rejected her approach because one, I couldn't understand what she was saying (because syntax matters as much as spelling, and it's forgotten a lot more, and we already know how there are many who can't manage the easier part of spelling). Like I NEVER had spoken to her before or met her.

So I offered coffee instead at a public place first. I later found out that she really creeped out the leader of the group. But the day for coffee, which was 3 days from when she first asked and two from when coffee plans were made, I sent a message to ask if we were still on for coffee and she backed out.

Then there's the other problem with my local group. Everyone is over 45 (even my girlfriend is 41), and I am 29. Most of them aren't comfortable with that much of an age difference, especially for a male top. On the rare occasion anyone TNG comes in, they're always brand-new to "the scene" and end up never returning because they view it as an "old people's club".

I don't mind the age difference, but because most here won't do anything outside of a romantic relationship and most aren't down with the age difference... it doesn't even matter.

Even on Fet, I used to be in an S&M group, specifically for S&M discussion and it was nothing but D/s questions. Absolutely no questions about S&M and one member even commented: "why does everyone always ask D/s questions here" and another responded "because they don't know the difference". That group, along with many others, died. But nobody in that group were against other dynamics, but it was supposed tto be a place to discuss S&M, and they weren't even asking questions related to S&M in a D/s context.

But back to the local group, what else can I do if I can't afford to travel and nobody's even willing to learn about it? Just keep sitting and twiddling my thumbs another 10 years (if my situation doesn't change like moving, etc)?

That's my main point and why I started this thread, was to see if ANYONE out there was in that kind of a position where nobody shares your kink and you can't get out of your area. Always alone in a crowd.

But all I am hearing are "it's your own fault/no excuses/kink should trump all other life responsibilities" or "well, I am masochistic, but primarily I am sub".

I didn't start this looking for advice, just to find others in the same boat. Well and to vent frustration.



thorneyone -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 3:44:47 AM)

Interesting topic and close to my own particular bind.
Women in particular hit on this and other kink sites thinking that "it" automatically involves control and manipulation.
This gives them the inkling that they can exchange their favors.
There is a definite division here and the ethos of either group is totally differing.
Thankfully, there are a few women who declare their outright masochism along with their independence.
This sticks in the craw of the Feminists on here.
Not creeps if we are middle aged and loaded, but damned creeps if middle aged, plain and not so well off.
A bit of a paradox for a kink site.
Well not really.
The munch brigade and the pro's pull all the strings!



Lucylastic -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 3:59:59 AM)

quote:

Thankfully, there are a few women who declare their outright masochism along with their independence.
This sticks in the craw of the Feminists on here.

Oh really?
as a feminist, and a bit of a sadist, I call that bollocks.
I have more masochist fem friends than I do masochist men(by choice)
The only issue I have is non consent.
so stick that in your craw.



LilJuly76 -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 4:35:58 AM)

I noticed within my own community here, the kinky people really don't know the psychology of S & M practices. I have been PM'd numerous times here where people just want sex, which I don't know why they even have an account here. I try to tell them being in subspace is ten times better than sex could ever be. they call me a sick freak. Even at the local club when I was in subspace because of a session the kinky people couldn't understand it. they just think S & M means pain, to me it's erotic sensation. Something a guys cock can't measure up to me.



thorneyone -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 4:59:04 AM)

Call it what you like!
I'm past caring on here.



LadyPact -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 7:39:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sardonicus87
I can't afford to drive up there. I have been to 1763 before, but she can't just take off work to go spend the night in Atlanta. It costs money to be a member, which I don't mind, but I can't afford to drive a 7 hour round-trip multiple times per month and/or pay for a hotel room if I am tired at midnight when things end and don't ffeel like driving 3.5 hours to get home at 4 am to turn around and get back up at 7, and she certainly can't do that with work.

I used to make the drive on a pretty regular basis but mine was shorter than that. However, back when I was playing there semi-regularly, I didn't leave until the 2:00 AM closing time, so that wouldn't have gotten me home until after 4:00 AM. Staying over was the better option for me majority of the time. Either hotel or one of the 'mini-dungeons' (rooms) that they have there. (I presented there several times, so I will say that many of those overnight stays were free.)

I double checked on membership costs and it's still ten bucks for a six month membership. Twenty bucks will get you fourteen.

quote:

Weekends are easier, but again, money is an issue. Does 1763 have S&M specific nights? The one time we went, it was general BDSM, and not anything specific. It was a terrible experience honestly. The one booth (play piercing) I wanted to see had the fewest chairs and over half of them were filled the whole night with people not paying attention to the demo, and none of the DM's were addressing people just hanging around demo booths rather than hanging in the designated hang out areas. Even then, I couldn't really tell who was a DM half the time and the few I found were busy talking up gaggles of girls, not even paying attention to the rest of the room.

I did a quick check and I didn't find anything that would be something like a designated heavy hitter night. Those are usually S/m specific for more intense (bad word choice there, but you get the drift) players. Unless you've got a serious following, most clubs don't do Heavy Hitters on a monthly basis because the revenue that their losing from the rope enthusiasts, fetishists, etc, doesn't always translate to what is best for your business. Commercial dungeons have to make a profit. It's just the way of the world.

I do have to ask you. The night you went with what you related above? Did you happen to go on a TNG night or something called "Stations of the Cross"? It's been more than a couple of years since I lived in GA and the TNG there was, at that time, anybody under 40. I'm absolutely willing to admit that things might have changed since the last time I was at a TNG event there, but if you're looking for the more serious dungeon etiquette, I would not recommend TNG nights. There atmosphere is (was) much looser, laid back, and not as strict about socializing in play areas.

The other part you said about DM's. I went and looked at the current staff of 1763, etc. Their red badge policy is still in place, meaning the person wearing the red badge is one of your DMs. Darn near half of the DMs are women. The males that are on staff, I still know most of them, and the ones I do know generally don't engage in that behavior. Jamie, the general manager, is gay. S** J**** and Mr L***, I know for a fact take that DM gig very seriously. (They probably wouldn't have been on shifts as DMs on a TNG night.)

My point in this is, if you are going to spend the money, do the travel, and so on, it is in to go to those events on the calendar that are best suited to you. Personally, I'd probably tell you to go on the first Saturday of the month. It used to be called ARM (Atlanta Regional Munch) but it's the 1763 Munch now. It's on the premises and it's more of a general catch all night. Also, you might want to think of planning your trip there on weekends when there are other major events in town.

quote:

I wasn't very impressed. It was an extremely crowded night and other nights or fetish specific nights might be better, but again, that's aa long way to drive and a lot of money just to get known enough there to be trusted.

Yes, but it's catch 22. If you are a heavy sadist, you know that masochist is going to have to trust you. Nobody ever seeing you play isn't going to help you.

quote:

At the moment, I don't have a job, and this week, I have an interview for a night position, 6 nights per week. If I get that job, that completely eliminates any ability to go.

Then, what you'll have to do is start looking at your surrounding area to see who is holding munches that are either afternoon or very early evening. Not meeting new people in person is not helping you. If you can't go to play nights, you're going to have to meet and get to know bottoms who might consider having a play arrangement around your schedule.

Other stuff. OK. You're frustrated and wanted to vent. Once you've blown off steam, you also have to look at what you are willing to DO. When what you are doing now isn't working for you, it's just logical to try something different. You've got some things working against you, so you have to look at the things that will help you overcome that.

If you really just wanted to b*tch and find other people to b*tch with you, well, that's not going to change much of anything.



LilJuly76 -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 10:11:49 AM)

gptta agree with LadyPact

you gotta do what you have to do to get things done, never mind sit on your butt and bitch about it online. nobody online can help, they can only give advice. and speaking as a masochist, I only play with people that I can trust, that means getting to know them first.



shiftyw -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 2:03:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

quote:

Thankfully, there are a few women who declare their outright masochism along with their independence.
This sticks in the craw of the Feminists on here.

Oh really?
as a feminist, and a bit of a sadist, I call that bollocks.
I have more masochist fem friends than I do masochist men(by choice)
The only issue I have is non consent.
so stick that in your craw.



Excuse me?!?

I'm a fucking maso. And I'm a fucking feminist.

I know literally scores of feminists just like me. Scores.
A feminist blog I follow is run by a hardcore maso sub female.



WickedsDesire -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 2:42:48 PM)

I embody the electromagnetic spectrum. So few do or have the capcity
I can make someone come in one sentence and for them to fall in love with me via the medium of a short paragraph

I once showed someone the skill, and might of my tongue it blew her clean across the room and I once shagged someone so hard I blew her to smithereens and existence itself.

There has been no-one genuine for me here here in 12 years- therefore there is less for all




ThatDizzyChick -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/26/2016 4:21:31 PM)

Dafuq you say?



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/27/2016 10:37:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sardonicus87
But all I am hearing are "it's your own fault/no excuses/kink should trump all other life responsibilities"


I live 6 hours from the nearest kink club.

We've got custody of the kids every other week, in such a way that even when we go to the club, arrangements with the ex need to be made.

We've got pets, which means that when we do go to the club, arrangements for the pets need to be made.

To say I don't get out much is an understatement. Both financial wise, as well as time wise, I'm lucky if I get out regularly once every two months. It used to be a little more when my husband worked in the town where our kink club is, because his employer would pay for travel expenses, but that's been long gone now.

I'm a pretty heavy masochist, but I'm very particular about how exactly I like my play/pain, and it's hard for me to find people who match my play style well. I'm picky enough about play that I'd rather not play at all, than play with somebody who is only 90% of what I'm looking for.

Still I play with others quite a bit. How?

- I went and made friends in my local kink club, without worrying about play.
- My friends helped hook me up with people who are compatible with me in play style.
- I built my relationship with the people I play with to the point that they're willing to drive out here in order to play with me (instead of me always driving to them). I just had people drive 6 hours one way to stay at my place for the 4th of July weekend, just so we could play, because it wasn't looking like I was going to make it out to them for a good while.
- I built my relationship with the people I play with to the point that when I am going to go to the club, I can call half a dozen people up, and have scenes back to back lines up for the entire night, if I want to, because everybody knows how hard it is for me to get a chance to play, and is willing to arrange their schedules around mine.

I've just come back from Thunder in the Mountains (which is a big Colorado kink even that has two regularly scheduled play parties in a 60000 square foot dungeon, and is considered by everybody to be the highlight of the year here in Colorado) and even though the next event is a full year away, I already have 5 scenes lined up for next year.


It's because I focus on building relationships/friendships with people first, and focus on arranging play later.
Getting to the point where I can play when I want has taken a lot of time. I've lived here for 5 years, and it's only in the last year or so that things have started to fall in place in such a way that I have as many opportunities as my schedule/finances will allow.

If your time/resources are limited. Go out not trying to find play, but trying to find a social network you feel comfortable in. Going out looking for play usually puts your focus in such a way that it actually precludes you from building the social connections you need to establish play connections.



Gauge -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/27/2016 11:43:16 AM)

This is a fast reply.

I've read this thread and want to make a few observations.

Having no money to travel is not an excuse, it is a reality. You do what you can afford.

To the OP:

There are a lot of things that seem to be working against you, however... and I must say this is presented without any malice, you have not mentioned one thing that is working for you. Yes I get that the local scene is not your age group and may not understand what S/M is, however what does that matter? Are you there to meet people and socialize and build relationships or are you there to espouse your own side of kink? Finding where you fit in a group setting is important.

The thing is, while you may be frustrated, I also find it difficult to believe that you are not letting that come through in your interactions with folks in the lifestyle. It almost sounds to me like you expect to fail to find someone, and that is what you will do. Think about that..

My point is you have to move past that frustration and do what you are able to do. It took me years to find someone I was compatible with on all the levels I needed, but I found her, and frankly, it was a total fluke that I did. I do not get involved in my local community because, from what I have seen of it, there isn't much of one, however if that is what I REALLY wanted to do, I could drive to Philly which is about an hour and a half away. Inconvenient? Yes. But if I was actively searching, I would figure out a way to do it... and I am not made of money either.

You seem like a decent, well spoken individual that has just had enough of not feeling fulfilled. As I was reading your posts, I was trying to figure out why you have not fit in in your local scene. Perhaps it is them and not you... or it may be the other way around. Either way, I think you could adjust your attitude and lower your expectations, and take a few patience pills. You may be surprised how that affects your overall mood and how you present yourself in social settings. Best of luck to you.



thorneyone -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/28/2016 2:13:12 PM)

Rant all you like.
I have no time for Feminists, period!



OsideGirl -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/28/2016 2:27:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: thorneyone

Rant all you like.
I have no time for Feminists, period!

[sm=wtf.gif]



kiwisub22 -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/28/2016 2:33:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: thorneyone

Rant all you like.
I have no time for Feminists, period!


Feminists of the world are devastated! We may actually have to go to the kitchen in bare feet, with a baby in arms and cook from scratch while only doing missionary.....



LilJuly76 -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/28/2016 3:01:41 PM)

me thinks thorney dude doesn't like feminists?



DesFIP -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/28/2016 8:09:55 PM)

Me thinks the dude is intimidated by women. He wants their options removed by law because it's the only way he could hope to get a woman's company. He can't inspire a woman to be with him.



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/28/2016 8:58:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: thorneyone

Rant all you like.
I have no time for Feminists, period!

Good thing your hand isn't a feminist, eh?



Greta75 -> RE: Frustrations of Being a [Non-D/s] Sadist (7/28/2016 11:32:23 PM)

I think because the BDSM umbrella is so big, and everyone can really have their own unique combinations.

It's also very difficult for me to find a man who only wants to be my top but not want 24/7 D/S and full control of me. It always breaks down when he starts demanding more submission and for me to give him more control of my life.

If I find someone who is willing to top, it's usually because his a switch and wants me to top him in return. Which I will not be comfortable with as I am a pure bottom.

But I always say, the good things in life are often very difficult to come by, and frustrating, I always call it, kissing alot of frogs, that's why when you do find it, you will really cherish and treasure it.

Keep hope and keep looking. And I think many has a point that being a sadist is scary to even masochist, they need to feel safe with someone, so save up enough and try to do demonstrations at clubs to build a reputation. Think that is all you can do. And continue searching online in all different websites.



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