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Lucylastic -> RE: Donald Trump... Zapp Brannigan... (8/9/2016 10:28:58 AM)
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This comes to you via The New Yorker
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/thirty-things-donald-trumps-advisers-managed-to-persuade-him-not-to-do-last-month
THIRTY THINGS DONALD TRUMP’S ADVISERS MANAGED TO PERSUADE HIM NOT TO DO LAST MONTH
1. Enter the Quicken Loans Arena riding on Chris Christie.
2. Open a rally in Dayton, Ohio, by making fun of Mitch McConnell’s neck.
3. Insinuate that Khizr Khan is somehow related to Khan, the “Star Trek” villain.
4. Change his campaign slogan from “Make America Great Again” to “Paul Ryan Will Pay.”
5. Secretly attend the Democratic National Convention disguised as his mysterious alter ego “John Miller.”
6. Swap the over-all palette of his hair and skin from orange to purple (“a very, very good color—a color for kings”).
7. Début his new nickname for Crooked Hillary’s running mate: Fartin’ Tim Kaine.
8. Claim that he saw “thousands of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating” when the McRib went away.
9. Pelt Chris Christie with Oreos throughout his R.N.C. speech.
10. Retweet a message of support from @ExcitedForTheRaceWar.
11. Legally change the name of his youngest son, Barron, to Ted Cruz Sucks.
12. Slap all the books out of Washington Post reporter David A. Fahrenthold’s hands.
13. At a rally in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, introduce Chris Christie as “my very, very good friend, Stuffed Crusty.”
14. Drop Mike Pence and select the “Affluenza Teen” Ethan Couch as his running mate.
15. Make Chris Christie eat a bug.
16. Distance himself from David Duke by endorsing David Duke’s opponent in the K.K.K. Grand Wizard primary.
17. Announce to a crowd of thousands in Orlando, Florida, that, after it gave him the wrong size Coolatta®, Dunkin’ Donuts is “probably rigged.”
18. Drop Mike Pence and select the fictional character Gordon Gekko as his running mate.
19. Publicly beg the Russians to hack Hillary Clinton’s Seamless account and order her a “terrible, terrible pizza covered in mustard and hairs.”
20. Have Ivanka sit on his lap for the second and third nights of the Republican National Convention.
21. Begin a town hall in St. Paul, Virginia, by punching the head off a mannequin in a wig, labelled “Megyn Kelly.”
22. Drop Mike Pence and select himself as his own running mate.
23. Join the Warsaw Pact.
24. Make Chris Christie French-kiss a life-size Donald Trump cardboard cutout while pretending to throw up.
25. Devote an entire rally in Nashua, New Hampshire, to how Senator Kelly Ayotte “isn’t a ten.”
26. Attempt to quiet a crying baby in Greensboro, North Carolina, by throwing another baby at it.
27. Bonk Newt Gingrich’s and Rudy Giuliani’s heads together.
28. Unveil his plan to build “a big, beautiful wall in outer space to keep out ‘Space Mexicans,’ who are bringing lasers to this planet.”
29. Get a new wife.
30. Pants Pence.
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