RE: - Master Lied - (Full Version)

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juliaoceania -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/22/2006 12:03:24 PM)

I hope she keeps coming back, I have an infinity for teenagers, I guess having one caused that... I was half baked at her age myself, although I avoided the married man trap.



Estring -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/22/2006 12:11:30 PM)

I have an infinity for teenagers

Not sure that a car is what she needs. But seriously, what she doesn't need is to be in a relationship. She needs help to heal and deal with her past abuse. But as I stated before, that won't happen. At least not at this time. Maybe after a few more bad relationships perhaps.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/22/2006 5:27:12 PM)

To the OP...Yes you are very young but the youth is not what is the problem, the maturity level is what I see, is a problem !.This is not meant to be an insult to you.Even though it has been many a year since I was 19 I do still remember the emotional rollercoaster of life at that age.However when you post a question,many will give you a straightforward honest answer,they will not coddle you.And frankly you should not wish to be coddled (get that from your friends) ,their absolute unobjective,honest opinion should be your priority.Thus in this way,will you learn what to look out for and what you wish for in your journey..be well..take care..Tempting



peta -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/22/2006 6:57:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kimsubfemale

In acknowledgement 

Many apologies for my out bust in my post

I really don’t know why I am going to tell you this, but here goes hides my embarrassment


Some of you,

Maybe wondering why someone so young would be interested in BDSM - 

As a young child – I had suffered many years of physical mental family sexual abuse, from my sicko step farther and 8 of he’s friends.   It’s a very long story. However to some degree I have developed into the person you see today.

And you’re wondering why I like older men? And why I love to be dominated, yes I am a nymphomaniac and I cant help that – even with lots of therapy and seeing a counsellor it doesn’t change my sexual behavior and who I have become today.

Guest this submissive slut, had better take hold of her riding crop and ride on out of here. Yes I’m leaving collarme, I thought I would fit in here apparently not. I’ll be back later to try and delete my profile. P.s. I am NOT looking for any ones (sympathy) so lets get that straight up.

Thanks for your help, bye! 


- kim


kim,

Tsk Tsk......Temper Temper...

Sit back, relax, and take some advice from what seems to be some very smart people.

Message Board = Opinions of others.....If that is not what you want maybe you are in the wrong place.

Peace!
peta



fullofgrace -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/22/2006 8:02:40 PM)

i agree with julia, in that you really need to seek mental help for your abuse and not try to work it out through s&m.

quote:

I am currently in a Master sub relationship – started 4days ago, which I met online, therefore I am not seeking anyone!


quoted from your profile. i know others have mentioned this, but it might be a REALLY good idea to, you know, speak to someone for more than a few days before they collar you, online or off. though some don't see a collar as being as big a commitment as marriage, it is still a big commitment; you would not get married or engaged to someone you barely knew, would you? (arranged marriages aside, of course.)

maybe you should just step back and get to know people, learn more about yourself, and learn more about what you want, are willing to put up with, your limits, your boundaries, and how you feel it's appropriate to react when someone does something like lie about a thing as big as being married.

also, both dominants and submissives/slaves can post in this forum, just as both subs and doms can post in the ask a master forum; if it offends you to have dominant types responding to your question, either ask that they don't in your first post or just ignore their posts.

wishing you the best of luck. if you'd ever like to talk to a submissive in your age range (i'm 18), feel free to message me on the other side.



kimsubfemale -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/22/2006 10:56:30 PM)

Juliaoceania,

Your right up to a point, after a good sleep I could see the confusion in my post.

However – wanting or needing a younger Dom – is totally out of the question, I’ve tried them they are so much in need of a mother figure, to wipe their snotty nose – rather then wanting a companion.  They are too immature for my liking.


And yes – I do want to be in control in the beginning of a relationship expressing my needs.  In fact I hate men, but I also have a need for them if they can fore fill my needs forcefully then I have to (Reciprocate).


Unlike many others survivors as myself, that have hit the drugs – prostitution to hide their hurt pain – or have committed suicide along their path in trying to reach out.

Myself I believe I am a fighter and surviving the best way I know how. However my life and needs will continue – just as yours will. Despite what went down here today? Throughout my life I can say I’ve tried my best and it will continue.  

I used to think that everything happened for a reason. Things happened, and in the end things could be explained away, put into neat little boxes, filed away with an explanation something to be learned from something to be gained from.

Maybe I am an exception – and don’t fully understand, (Life) as yet whether or not thats true or false, I’ve yet to learn. But what I do understand is trial and error.




Okay, ok – I’m ranting here.



Some of my poetry



*******************************************************************
   

The poems below are about my struggle and the awareness of that struggle. It also refers to my attempts to acknowledge where I am in my life’s journey and how I will try to turn my life around.

 
 
 
Author –Kimberly-j - All Rights Reserved
2005
 
 
 
INNER-ME #1
 
 
 
Sometime I ponder life of how it was meant to be,
Without the deep shadows that life passed over little me, now most times I’m within myself amongst the valleys and the trees with all the wild loving animals of the forest talking just too me.
 
My Mother will be there, standing tall, right next to me and all the beautiful flowers and wonderful tall trees – Nature, as it was to be, wrapping me in the warm colours of her rainbow. Most times it’s where I go, seeking the innocent child within.
 
See that little tree over yonder, oh yes, that might just be me, reaching up for light hopeful of being seen as I move from the shadows of the darkened hills that once enclosed me.
 
As I look around, I see a warm and sparkling stream flowing next to me, as it travels through life’s journey. When next you gaze upon a tree, I hope you may think of life and little Kimberly.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
REFLECTIONS #2
 
 
 
Sitting watching you watching me, reflections in the waters of the mountain stream, I see the look in those sad eyes Kimberly gazing at me, looking back at my reflections of my inner self.
 
The mirror image, my own reflection, yes the inner me. Those big tormented eyes, the mirrors to my soul.
 
Gazing upon my reflection, I struggle with my torment and dream of being free.
 
What say, reflection - inner me, shall we unite, sit awhile under those graceful trees and draw upon their strength and warmth. At last the lost little me Kimberly will be set free.
 
Please, please help set me free.
 
Let me escape and fly like the birds amongst my beautiful tall trees wanting peace and harmony.
 
Tormented soul do you hear me screaming my heart out to thee.
 
Could it be that I remain lost and unable to see the peace that awaits me.
 
 
 
 
  
 
TORMENTED – CHILDHOOD #3
 
 
Oh Mother dear couldn’t you hear me calling you, in wanting you near, crying silently with so much fear, as he terrorized me throughout my years.
 
I know you’re now at peace, resting in the after-life, never far from here.
 
What about me, with no inner peace, lost and alone fragile and weak.
 
He would stop me, not letting me speak. Taking my childhood, I now feel like a
 
Freak.
 
He twisted my life and molested me, now forever and ever, for eternity, look at me still fragile and weak.
 
I’ve had enough I’m starting to tell, speaking to others and seeking their help.
 
My time has come, I must tell, speaking out about my torment, my living hell.




 
PAINTED – DOLL #5
 
 
Lost little girl with a painted face, ponytail and dressed in such pretty lace.
He was taking me to my fate.
 
As I got there, I kind of stared, many strange men in underwear. From somewhere, within the room, I heard them call. Painted doll, little dog, you’re our whore tonight.
What did they care about calling me names, to them, this was just another game.
 
Faced with this uncertainty, living my life, a true nightmare! Could I pretend, even at age ten, that life was not really my friend, full of fear swinging from a chandelier.
 
Shattered dreams of what could have been, lost childhood of playing in a stream, making mud pies and just saying hi to other kids.
I was made to think it all taboo, like playing hopscotch and chasey too, skipping ropes, there’s no hope of ever seeing those days again.
 
Hey there, you there.
Back off some, leave me alone now you’ve read my poem, I am destined to be on my own, roaming this world all alone.
 
Sighs




DIGNITY #7
 
 
Trigger, trigger, maybe I should grab a gun and pull the fucking trigger, bang, bang.
 
What did I say?
 
No I must stay, to face another day.
 
How could it be, life turned inside out, for me.
 
Most times I feel like I’m being chocked, what’s that I hear, from this fucked up society.
 
Take this chill pill and you’ll be okay.
 
It’s not as easy as they say.
I say, fuck this world and fuck its so-called humane society. It stripped me of my rights and dignity.
 
But no, you will not win.
 
My life will be long and I will grow strong. I will struggle and fight to reclaim my rights. Then I shall have peace and dignity.






ANGER – HATE #8
 
 
I want to scream and shout, letting it all out telling of my anger and my fucking hate.
 
I want to open up hells gate and throw back the people that I hate, back into the darkness from which they all originate.
 
Hope your fucking happy rotting there in chains you filthy dirty bustards.
You will never enter my life again.
I say burn, burn for eternity and now you cease to be.
 
Never will you touch me, as I have been set free. It’s like sitting in a meadow watching the birds and the bees, truly that’s how I feel, seeing them flying amongst natures beautiful trees.
 
At last I have peace and tranquility.







*******************************************************************


Ok, you can go on laughing at me all you want now that I’ve gone – I’ve never seen such a collection of so many miserable people – and you think I’m crazy.

- kim

P.s. I am really sorry if I have offended anyone here – Please forgive me.



juliaoceania -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/22/2006 11:11:00 PM)

I do not think you are crazy.. I think you are hurting. I also think that whomever hurt you is the one that is more than crazy, he is a sick son-of-a-bitch that doesn't deserve oxygen. There are other ways than letting some other man abuse you and your trust to find happiness.... if all you find are men that are monsters then that is all you will know to be out there.. not all men are monsters.

I hope you find some peace kim, and I wasn't denigrating you or putting you down. I think you are a beautiful young woman, and I hope you beat the odds.




nstyslave -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 3:31:08 AM)

kim, i don't think A/anyone was laughing "at you" persay. However, i do think that you are young, and i do think that you seriously need to talk to a mental health care professional, and there is NO shame in that, kim. The shame would be in not recognizing that you need to talk to someone, to reconcile and come to terms with your past. The statement, that you "hate men," is profound, and that you think submission is force, is equally as profound.

May i suggest, that your posts are confusing, and back and forth because quite simply you are confused? Furthermore, you are lashing out at the wrong P/people.  Please, for your own sake, seek help, and then may you find peace.

Best of luck,
~nsty



heartfeltsub -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 4:06:22 AM)

Kim,

As someone who has also lived through a great deal of abuse in my childhood, including sexual abuse, though based on what you describe not to the extent that you did, and also one who didn't give in to the pull of drugs or alcohol to dull the pain, i commend you for that. i also KNOW that BDSM will not fix the effect that abuse has had on you. In fact, depending into whose hands you might fall, it could make it worse.

That being said, i do not think you are crazy, i think you are hurting, angry, self-destructive because the people who should have been caring for you and protecting you, abused that trust and abused you.

Please go get some help. i consider myself a fighter, but dealing with sexual abuse, i needed help for that, i couldn't work through all the pain, shame, anger, rage, self-destruction by myself. It is my opinion, that sexual abuse, more than any other form of abuse touchs something far deeper and more integral to who we are as people, at least that is how it was with me. And that is why i needed help and that is why i am asking you to please get some help.

i realize that based on my first response to you, you may discount everything that i am saying here. i hope that is not the case, but i could understand that response. i just hope you go get some help to heal.



kimsubfemale -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 6:12:22 AM)


Heartfelt sub, and others,

I am flatted to see many of you – that seem so concerned about my welfare or as you put it – my mental health.

If you had of read my previous statement.

Then you would have read –

I am still having therapy and counsellor today for my behavioral problems and that of my abuse, 

I am not angry with any of you and nor was I to begin with.  Gosh we all have problems right?



***************************************************

Oh gosh – I am in NO WAY – (self-destructive) – Come on now lets get that right!!!!! I have come too far in my life – to settle for the coward’s way out 

Hey you make me sound like some loonytoon – Well I’m NOT


***************************************************

Heartfelt,

You if anyone should know what it like – and how we as survivors fight to the bitter end in trying to solve our probs – and very difficult to slam the door shut on those experiences and for some a very lonely road.  

But we grow with the help of others family and friends that encourage onwards for brighter days to come.  

Heartfelt – Thank you, so very, very much for shearing with me [:)] That meant alot - Hugs (((Sis))) 


This is the END of this thread post what ever its called !!!
 
To the Moderators – is it possible to have this thread post Deleted?
Thank you.   
 
- kim



kimsubfemale -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 9:40:53 AM)

Yadda yadda yadda – Evanesce,


You say your confused, hey girl I’m not trying to make excuse’s for my post, rather I should say I shouldn’t of posted whilst under the influence of medication.

However being mean to me doesn’t give you the right to judge me. 

Have you ever heard of the words (companion or sensitive)? Well I am sure you have.

Do you understand what (Karma) is?

Do you know about Wicca or paganism?

If not I do,

They are believes that help me and HOLD me to this WORLD believes that I follow and without that kind of direction to my life – I really don’t think I would be here today – Hey I am really sorry if I have upset you in what went don’t in my post.

However:

I am going to shear With you something about my life

No I haven’t had it easy and you know what – (Yea I lost my baby) so stick that in ya peace pipe and smoke it.  







DEEP VALLEYS – MOUNTAIN STREAMS #111


Have you ever wondered, how nice it would be to slip away to a place where the skies above are not as we see them now?

Rather, there would be a rainbow of colour to take your breath away. A place where there's no sadness or pain, just inner pace.

There would be hills, mountain we thought we’d never climb, deep valleys, winding down to the mountain streams, a never-ending trail of beauty and oh that feeling of the lush green grass, the sweet perfume of flowers and the wonderful sounds of singing birds in the trees.

Just imagine if it could be!

But it is.
It's with me always, when I dream.




OUR BEGINNING – OUR SURVIVAL #129


The body changing and new life arranging itself deep inside my womb, emerging nine months later, reflections of my life, of troubled times.

How they fill my eyes with tears all my sorrows for those sad tomorrows. Take me back to the beginning of my time, in hope of rearranging my life.

My body is changing and it is hard to accept. I’m flying and yet I feel like crying. Feeling insecure, full of uncertainty, but who would care within this psychotic world.

Total confusion, strung out, hitting an all time low. “Life” what a blow.   Laughter, they’re laughing at me, climbing down from the tallest of trees with a tummy that will soon grow.

Foolishly, filled with the nectar of the so-called birds and bees, was this always meant to be, or the cycle of Karma. 

Please don’t let me harm her.

Rebellious teen at seventeen, yeah that’s me, Kimberly oh why couldn’t I have seen what this impact has done to me all my crying will not make wrong to right the long-long nights in suffering the consequences, of a promiscuous night.

My actions and thoughts, about my baby, am I to make you cease to be, on some dirty abortion clinic floor. Forgive me, my baby for those horrible thoughts. 

Breathe, little one breathe, I want you to live, be strong and survive.

I’m only expressing my grief and fear.  My thoughts have me thinking weird things right now.  I’m feeling lost and so exposed, as I have no clue of what to do, whom to tell whom to trust.

Hush now I will not cry, instead I will sing a lullaby. 
I am destined to loving you. 
I will not let my baby die.



Now PLEASE - leave me alone if I want to know something I will ask.
 
Thanks for putting up with me!
 
Last words – What could any of you teach me – that I don't all ready know?
 
Evanesce, sorry for being rude to you!



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 8:59:37 PM)

Well alrighty then.



maybemaybenot -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 9:19:37 PM)

Is it just me ? Or does anyone else see a major difference in kim's written posts here and her poetry ? The poetry being much more cohesive than the almost indiscernible rants ?

              mbmbn



Aileen68 -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 9:28:49 PM)

The whole thread is just a trainwreck.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/23/2006 10:38:02 PM)

Im confused about the whole thing. Wants help, then doesn't. Then writes poetry and tell us to leave her alone and thank you.



totalservant -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/24/2006 4:11:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: smilezz
I would say that according to your profile, you have only met this person 4 days ago and you are calling him Master?  and you are crushed by the fact that he is married?  Is/was this an online thing?   you're not clear in that.




Well Dang ...NOW her profile is gone...yes this is more fun than reading the comics in the news paper when slowly waking up.




subedana -> RE: - Master Lied - (7/24/2006 4:56:45 AM)

What is it with people who ask for "help" in an opinion based forum and then gets pissy when people give them. Just damn... Talking about taking your toys and going home...[8|]



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