For the Newbie... (Full Version)

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Gauge -> For the Newbie... (8/17/2016 10:45:49 PM)

I'm tired so excuse me if I make errors in spelling or seem disjointed.

I've read a few threads that proclaim that "I am new and I think..." which is fine. I was new at one time too.

I've posted advice many times to new folks but I feel there should be a thread that folks could go to and read, and learn stuff so it doesn't have to be posted, repetitively over many different threads.

OK, you are new to this...

Take a look at this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

This is a BDSM book list. I believe the newbie can benefit a lot by taking in everything they can get their hands on to educate themselves if they are truly seeking. While not exhaustive, a damn good start.

Many threads offer the same advice to new folk and I hope I can condense those responses into some general things.

1. Any definitions that specify what a role should be are opinions at best. What you call your role is defined by what you want, not by an etched in stone definition. While this might not suit some, I think the majority of folk would agree that they took some basic role and made it their own based on needs etc.

2. Educate yourself. I touched on this, but really, if you want to control someone or if you want to be controlled, you should learn as much as you can BEFORE that happens. If you do not, it can result in mental trauma or injury, to yourself or the one trying to control you.

3. Be yourself. Do not assume that if you talk the talk that you are what you claim to be... because the reality is much different than you might expect. Just act like yourself, the rest will form over time. What your role is will become clear given time and patience.

4. "Is this abuse?" If you are asking this question, something is wrong. Either you do not understand something or something has triggered you to ask. I'll use a part of an ancient adage: If you have to ask... But I will add this, asking this question is not a bad thing, not asking it is worse. If you are new, ask questions.

5. Be patient. Impatience in a submissive personality is not attractive to a dominant. Impatience in a dominant is potentially dangerous. Sometimes we as humans expect things to suit our world view which is fine. How that translates in reality can be markedly different. Be patient. If you are new, your role will develop over time. If you really want to learn, be patient. If you want to get laid... well, good luck.

6. Kinky does not equal easy. If you expect to get laid by proclaiming that you are the best ever, ever, ever... no you aren't. Here is why: I am a guy... and I have not spouted about how great a dominant I am, in fact, I have been humbled and taught by some folks that know more than I do. I found out early that kinky doesn't mean easy, because I listened to others. If you want to get laid, go to a bar and chat some hottie up and buy her copious drinks. None of that involves the relationship or trust that the BDSM dynamic should have.

7. Your fantasy may not be realistic. There are thousands of threads about someone who thinks their fantasy will work in real life, that find.... or not, that it is not realistic. In a fantasy all is possible, reality is a bit more harsh on that matter. Try to be realistic, and your fantasy could come true. Allow your fantasy to overrule reality and you may be disappointed. So... understand what is realistic.

8. Ask questions. It has been said a lot... the only stupid question is the one not asked. When you ask for advice, don't fight the advice, try to read it in the format it was offered. Does that mean accepting every bit of advice? No. It means that you should take what is offered, select what applies to you and then go do that.

I have more, but I am now typing with one eye open. I am that tired... and I fear sleep is not going to happen soon. However, if you are new, the best advice I can give to anyone is to go slow. Learn about the life, take advice and don't be impatient. I don't mean you take all of the advice, I mean take what applies to you and leave the rest.

I am going to go to bed.

Others may chime in with their thoughts. I hope they do... because I do not have all of the answers... just most of them. [:D]



OsideGirl -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/17/2016 11:10:34 PM)

Wow...that was fantastic!



Bunnicula -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 1:43:41 AM)

I would chime in with:

9. 'treat people like they are people'.

Of course there are those who might argue that you are somehow 'not real' or a 'wannabe' if you do not immediately begin interacting as a dom/master/mistress/truealphadawg and sub/slave/piggy/totalwasteofoxygen from the get-go. Those kind of people tend to be the ones who end up with an inheritance of 50million dollars and no way to get it out of Nigeria or high-school idiots looking for some fap-candy.

Introduce yourself, say hi. Not just hi - build a sentence or two around this greeting, just not 'how r u?'. Have a conversation that is not initially focused around what makes your happy-place all gooey. Find out if you actually like each other, whether you have anything in common that might keep you together beyond the arse-smacking and minge-thwacking.

10. Have manners. Use the ones your parents/family/teachers/whothefuckever taught you when you were a child. Please and thank you, show courtesy if you are messaging someone for the first time. Don't lead with your magic wand/fairy cave. If someone says 'no thanks' or variations on that theme (which includes no reply at all), deal with it like a grown-up. Don't toss your toys out of the pram and send a shitty message back. Seriously - it makes you look like a douchebag. Actually, this whole point could be summarised as 'don't be a cockwomble'.

I'd add a point 11, but I think that one's only specific to me. That one would say 'don't call me girl'. Seriously. I've probably been menstruating longer than you've been alive. If you think I'm a girl then you've got bigger problems than being a bit of a condescending dick, you're probably going blind. Or senile. Or you're just a twat.

I feel better now [:D]




LilJuly76 -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 3:10:20 AM)

don't know you personally but I respect you online, you have excellent advice for the newbies. I also want to add.

12. if you are on the D side don't self proclaim you are a Master, the odds are you aren't.
13. again for the D side, don't send messages to everyone online on the s side and start giving them orders, long term submissives will laugh in your face.

14. both sides: it takes work, maintaining a D/s or M/s relationship takes a lot of work, you have to have trust or it won't work at all.

15. another D one don't use submissives for kinky sex because you aren't happy in your marriage or relationship, it's called cheating and most of us don't want to be used for that.



WickedsDesire -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 6:40:28 AM)

Must have took you a bit of time thanks



shiftyw -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 12:12:51 PM)

Very good!

Thanks for writing this all out...



peppermint -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 3:12:36 PM)

I'm impressed that you took the time to write all this down. It's great.



LadyPact -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 7:55:47 PM)

Pretty good, Gauge. Care for some additional input?
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
Take a look at this thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

This is a BDSM book list. I believe the newbie can benefit a lot by taking in everything they can get their hands on to educate themselves if they are truly seeking. While not exhaustive, a damn good start.

This doesn't get said often enough. The net is great! There is a plethora of articles out there. None are as extensive or as detailed as books.

quote:

4. "Is this abuse?" If you are asking this question, something is wrong. Either you do not understand something or something has triggered you to ask. I'll use a part of an ancient adage: If you have to ask... But I will add this, asking this question is not a bad thing, not asking it is worse. If you are new, ask questions.

I've got a small hang up with this one because it's missing the 'for your dynamic' part. There's a difference between evaluating your own relationship, and trying to impose your standards onto somebody else. If you feel that kink X (between consenting adults) is abusive to you, that's fine. At the same time, kink X might be the most erotic thing on the planet to the people engaging in it. You don't get to make that decision for other people.

If you are compelled to ask somebody if they are being abused, please ask them directly. If they say no, take them at their word. Treat them the same way you would want someone to treat you *if* you were happily engaging in whatever it is you like to engage in. You don't want other people to be judge and jury on your kinks or the way you like to live your life. Give other people the same courtesy.

quote:

5. Be patient. Impatience in a submissive personality is not attractive to a dominant. Impatience in a dominant is potentially dangerous. Sometimes we as humans expect things to suit our world view which is fine. How that translates in reality can be markedly different. Be patient. If you are new, your role will develop over time. If you really want to learn, be patient. If you want to get laid... well, good luck.

So much this.

quote:

7. Your fantasy may not be realistic. There are thousands of threads about someone who thinks their fantasy will work in real life, that find.... or not, that it is not realistic. In a fantasy all is possible, reality is a bit more harsh on that matter. Try to be realistic, and your fantasy could come true. Allow your fantasy to overrule reality and you may be disappointed. So... understand what is realistic.

It really is ok to have fantasies that might never be lived out. It's very important to know this.

quote:

8. Ask questions. It has been said a lot... the only stupid question is the one not asked. When you ask for advice, don't fight the advice, try to read it in the format it was offered. Does that mean accepting every bit of advice? No. It means that you should take what is offered, select what applies to you and then go do that.

I have a small addendum on this. (Two, actually.) If you have questions on the boards, try to write a thought provoking original. If you plunk out two or three sentences, don't expect people to write you a novel about their experience in kink.

And, ffs, participate in your own thread. You don't have to thank every person who responds or comment on everything that's written, but if something resonates with you, take the time to say so.

quote:

Others may chime in with their thoughts. I hope they do... because I do not have all of the answers... just most of them. [:D]

I think this could be an absolutely awesome thread!



ThatDizzyChick -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 8:07:57 PM)

I would add the following two points.
First: Don't take it all so seriously, it is not a competition and there are no tests; it's supposed to make you happy.
Second: Take the time to think about what it is about kink that appeals to you, why you are interested. For some it could be being in control, for others it would be the sex on demand, etc. Once you know why you are interested you can start to explore.



Gauge -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 10:18:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Care for some additional input?



Of course.

quote:

I've got a small hang up with this one because it's missing the 'for your dynamic' part. There's a difference between evaluating your own relationship, and trying to impose your standards onto somebody else. If you feel that kink X (between consenting adults) is abusive to you, that's fine. At the same time, kink X might be the most erotic thing on the planet to the people engaging in it. You don't get to make that decision for other people.

If you are compelled to ask somebody if they are being abused, please ask them directly. If they say no, take them at their word. Treat them the same way you would want someone to treat you *if* you were happily engaging in whatever it is you like to engage in. You don't want other people to be judge and jury on your kinks or the way you like to live your life. Give other people the same courtesy.


I was approaching this as the newbie asking if something that was being done to them was abuse. Not someone getting concerned about someone in a BDSM relationship being queried about what was being done to them. Or am I not understanding your objection?

quote:

I think this could be an absolutely awesome thread!


Thanks, and thanks to all who are participating.






Gauge -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 10:38:42 PM)

I wanted to add one more:

I won't number it because others have added theirs.

- You should investigate your local scene. There may be munches or other functions that may be held in your area, and those should be investigated. You could benefit from learning first hand about your role. You may even find a mentor there, someone that can teach you and guide you. Full disclosure, I never have, but it does not invalidate the advice.



LadyPact -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/18/2016 11:32:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
I was approaching this as the newbie asking if something that was being done to them was abuse.

Which I'm with you on, 100%

quote:

Not someone getting concerned about someone in a BDSM relationship being queried about what was being done to them. Or am I not understanding your objection?

That's pretty much the deal.

There are some pretty (I'll be polite here) outspoken people about what they think is abuse when it's not their dynamic/play/<insert situational term here>.





LilJuly76 -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/19/2016 3:54:56 AM)

I don't want to add to the list but I do want to say, some newbies end up in abusive situations because they don't take the time to get to know the person first before they agree to submit to them.



Draciron -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/19/2016 7:17:40 PM)

Very good start FAQ. You should build upon it using replies and additions over time. You've managed to side step the instant flame war topics that often come up in D/s communities while giving very sound advice to people new to the community.



thezeppo -> RE: For the Newbie... (8/26/2016 12:41:43 AM)

Thanks for the suggestions, I am embarking on a new D/s relationship so this should come in pretty handy. I had one question, does anyone know of good online resources? The book list is useful but it would be good to have an instant source of information for any questions or queries that arise



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