The first job paradox for a young Dominant male

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

The first job paradox for a young Dominant male

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> The first job paradox for a young Dominant male

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/22/2006 9:11:38 AM

BenignPlague

Posts: 52
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

Greeting to all and thanks for reading.

My question relates to what I like to call the First Job Paradox. When seeking your first job, in the workplace, frustrated students and graduates often are met with "we are looking for someone with more experience". The jobs that are willing to hire that person offer experience that is, for all practical purposes, useless for the job you have in mind.

Now I transfer this posit to apply to a first Dominant relationship. I have learned about techniques, practicing on mostly-vanilla female lovers that have an interest in kink, but really can't define it. Looking for submissives for any sort of longer term relationship, it seems that what they are talking about when they are looking for "experience" is that they are really looking for financial security. Ones I talk to are drawn to the guy with the big house, not the one with the big heart.

As so many forum posts seem to refer to "my material needs", I'm asking you this:

Where does one draw the line between being a good Dominant, and essentially, purchasing a woman's attention?

The more I think of the structure of many of the relationships I hear about, the more it seems that the submissive is looking for support and stability, in a sense, a free ride, and is willing to do anything to get it.

This is the exaggerated devil's advocate response, intended to spark further discussion.

~Aa

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/22/2006 9:42:39 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Well the devil best get a better advocate, this one just ran into the wall of 'lack of experience'

Whilst indeed many profiles DO seem to read as girls looking for a free ride. In 25 years+ of D/s relationships I've only encountered a couple of girls who WERE D/s (Rather than playing at it) who took that attitude AND the attitude wasn't 'up-front' but only surfaced after the relationship had began to settle.

Most look for signs of stability... that doesn't equate to wealthy, but rather someone who manages what they have got well. The free ride mentality is, unfortunatly, not just on the sub side, they have to watch for it too. I've heard many a horror story of girls who have been ripped off, conned and left in debt by fuckwits posing as Doms. Looking for someone stable is one of the ways they try to avoid falling into the hands of someone like that. But look at the thread in general called "Low income Dominants" started by IronBear. Many many examples there of subs honestly saying their prioritys lay elsewhere.... which frankly matches my personal experience for the most part.

But to your question, where do you draw the line?

If we are talking about a proper relationship rather than just 'play mates'. I pay for what I REQUIRE of them. If I require them to attend an event with me, *I* pay, if I require a certain piece of equipment or clothing for use with them *I* buy it. If it is something *they* want they can pay for it. I'll put my hand in my pocket to help when *I* decide to but she can not expect me to (Nor will I) give her a free ride, I am not a walking wallet!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to BenignPlague)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/22/2006 3:09:53 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I think Raven sums it up nicely. Most of those I have encountered that I would consider genuine aren't looking for DaddyWarbucks, they're just looking for someone stable and dependable.

So far as the question of experience, the thing I have heard (including in a discussion just last night) is that they want someone who has taken the time to educate themselves enough that they know what they are doing. That is, they've learned at least the basics of their kinks and how to do those things reasonably safely. Many submissives are leary of a new dominant who just plunges in without ever seeking any information or guidance about how to do any of the things they want to do.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/23/2006 2:14:17 AM

SoulfulSadism

Posts: 53
Joined: 9/3/2005
Status: offline

<< Where does one draw the line between being a good Dominant, and essentially, purchasing a woman's attention? >>
The same line as "when do you decide to just be you - and when do you just be the image someone has?"

<< the submissive is looking for support and stability, in a sense, a free ride, and is willing to do anything to get it >>
Wonder if you will realize that there's no difference in this question and the one above.

(in reply to Padriag)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/23/2006 11:08:47 PM

BenignPlague

Posts: 52
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

Perhaps I wrote in an ambiguous manner in my initial post. I am not the sort who plunges into new things; before having my first encounter in person, I spent monthes reading up on the culture, the forums full of questions that I also wished to know the answers to and so forth. I attended a MAST meeting, however, due to my age and perhaps, inexperience, was told to return again when I turned 21. I look forward to that after my next birthday in August.

I initially entered into this lifestyle as a submissive, in part to explore that side of my desires, and in part to learn how to safely and responsibly carry out activities I found enjoyable and enriching. To me, this life path is not one trying to serve in lieu of therapy, or as a release to let my anger out on a person posing as a punching bag. In my community, I am a young leader and model student. I've spoken and lead discussions among other young leaders as far as China, D.C., and NYC. However, as I have not been to any lifestyle events, such as TESfest or clubs like Paddles, I remain under the radar.

Perhaps amidst the myriad other questions and concerns, what I am most curious about is simply what direction to take with my learning and gaining of experience. I will not perform an action that I have not first experienced, which would be, in part, a reason for my profile remaining that of a Switch, however, am still having difficulties meeting people either in my area or interested in conversing about such questions.

Yes, I'm new. This is something I can only change with time. Everyone has to be new sometime.

(in reply to BenignPlague)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/24/2006 1:05:52 AM

TheShadows

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline

Personally, if I were still submissive, RIGHT AWAY I'd have a problem with someone who had a Switch profile, but claimed to be Dominant. Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to flame you for being honest on your profile, but that would just send up a red flag for me.

But...I can totally understand your point of view on the topic of (in)experience, having been there myself not so long ago. My best advice to you would be to keep going to meetings, munches, demos, and online forums, if you have been, and bide your time til you're 21. If no one will accommodate the under 21 crowd, form your own group that does. You never know who'll come crawling out of the woodwork, for good and ill. Meet and beat, safely, with those in your local area...practice makes perfect, of course. Get a head start on creating a good reputation for yourself as a safe, competent, and knowledgable Dominant. Concentrate on your own self-evolution and discovery. Knowledge is power. Come into the local scene full of as much knowledge as you can get. It will serve you well in the long haul. As my father used to say...sit down, shut up, and you might learn something.

If you'd care to converse on this topic further, feel free to contact me on the other side.

As always, YMMV...
~MrsShadows~

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to BenignPlague)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/24/2006 1:34:44 PM

Zenar

Posts: 39
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline

"If only I knew then what I know now", there is the real paradox in life! Youth is always wasted on those young. Well at least you are not trying to waste your life so that is a good start. The other paradox I have found in life tends to be too true.

You will hunger and so you will go hunting for what you think that you want and never find it. It is after the hunger has starved you to the point that you have given up the hunt that instead you are then found. However what finds you is usually not at all what you will expect. That in itself can often be a pleasent suprize.

There realy is no answer to the riddle. We go through life, try to be good people and eventually you run into someone that just sends sparks flying when you finally do meet. It is those magic moments in life that you just know that is was ment to be. The real trick is to know yoruself, be honest with yourself. When you are true to yourself then you will be able to be true to someone else.

Dont worry, it will happen one day.

< Message edited by Zenar -- 7/24/2006 1:38:56 PM >

(in reply to TheShadows)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/24/2006 7:47:52 PM

cat13

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

Caveat: I've never had much luck with online sites; I've met all my partners in person. Now, they've almost always been friends of friends. The rare exceptions have been people I've gotten to know through the scene.

So, having been in this exact position, my advice to you is to become as well known as you can. It sounds like you live in an area where there are scene events accessible to you. Be as social as possible. Attend munches. Is there a TNG available? Be a prolific poster online. Become known. Clearly you're already working on this with MAST; this is the right direction. Fortunately you'll be legal in a month. Consider clubs - most goth clubs I've been to have fetish nights. Consider flexibility; you may be straight as an arrow, but gay clubs also have fetish nights, and you may find males are less intimidated, more willing to be nonsexual play partners (this gets you experienced and known). Lastly, be patient. Expect it to take at least a year before you find a good long-term partner.

P. S. Your vocabulary, complex sentence structure, and spelling indicate high intelligence. Very intelligent people often have to work harder to develop the personality traits that make others more comfortable around them. Intelligence scares more often than it impresses. I don't know if this is you or not; just something to consider.

(in reply to BenignPlague)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/24/2006 8:54:47 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Plague, join the Navy, they'll give you plenty of experience and you'll also be good with Rope!

(in reply to cat13)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/27/2006 3:18:21 AM

Wolfie648

Posts: 600
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

I was fortunate. I had a few experiences with subs (ARGGHH!). God bless them but they are not for me.

I thought I was going to my grave alone.

It's not about experience it's about who you ARE and what you NEED. Quit pussyfuttin and be you. All you need is their consent and you had better have 10 yards of paperwork describing what is and isn't x. Good luck ;-)

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to BenignPlague)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: The first job paradox for a young Dominant male - 7/29/2006 6:01:55 AM

SirDarkside357

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

Free rides are not a part of the DSF way...all of the family contributes to the family in some form, be it by work outside or inside the home......fortunatly my work pays the bills, but every slave that has ever been a part of our family unit has done their part......now as for the "first job" thing...we have all went through that at one time or another to some degree...it's just part of paying our dues...if you have patients, it'll all work out.

Be Well,
Darkside

(in reply to BenignPlague)

Profile

Post #: 11