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jlf1961 -> Things people say or ask (8/28/2016 6:34:22 AM)
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My niece was over last night with a friend of hers, and as things often do, the conversation turned to humorous incidents from the past, which often included someone saying something you know is going to be ignored completely.
For instance, my niece has brought a whole new level and meaning to the term arachnophobia.
One evening we were sitting at the table, and I noticed a very small spider on the wall behind her (when I say small, it would have fit easily on a number two pencil eraser.)
I told her not to turn around, and proceeded to get up to kill the spider.
Of course she turned around, and in defiance of the laws of physics, was across the room in less than a second.
It dawned on me that had I not said, "dont turn around" she would not have moved (spilling a whiskey and water in the process) and the whiskey would not have been wasted.
So, the following are things never to say to anyone:
1) Dont turn around
2) Dont look down
3) Dont move because (insert reason)
Of course, this then leads to the questions you never answer:
1) Does this dress make me look fat?
2) Do you apes want to live forever?
Then there are the statements which you never want to hear:
1) Oops (not a good thing to hear a doctor say, or a bomb disposal tech, or the pilot of the plane....)
Of course, there are the things said that are obvious lies:
1) Its not you, its me. (of course it is you, why the fuck else would they be dumping your ass)
2) This wont hurt at all. (well it wouldnt if the damn fucker would give the topical/shot a chance to actually work)
But, lets not forget the questions with the obvious answers, as exemplified by:
What could possibly go wrong?
And lets not forget the statements that are sure to lead to something that is going to be funny as hell due to the disastrous and often painful end:
1) Hold my beer.
2) Watch this.
3) I bet I can do <insert dumb idea here.>
Of course, there are the instructions/directives that are going to be ignored (you know they are going to be ignored but give them anyway) like:
No parties while we are gone for the weekend.
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