Why is it?

Why is it? (Full Version)

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jlf1961 -> Why is it? (9/15/2016 8:34:02 PM)
Well, for the last couple of years, I have been talking to an ex wife. Nothing strange in that, except that we are actually having conversations that we avoided when we were married, without arguing. In fact, when one of us has had a really bad day, or going through a bad stretch, we can call each other and talk, with no advice, just someone that actually is listening and not directly involved. She can calm me down, and I seem to be able to calm her down, kinda. It seems that while she enjoys our conversations, she is reminded of one of the things that she found about me that turned her on, namely my voice. Now, personally, I do not understand this, never has a woman's voice really turned me on, although a soft sultry voice is hypnotizing. Anyway, to the point. Why the hell could we not do this when we were married?

ExiledSlave -> RE: Why is it? (9/15/2016 9:01:22 PM)
Were you married last year?

Gauge -> RE: Why is it? (9/15/2016 9:56:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jlf1961 Well, for the last couple of years, I have been talking to an ex wife. Nothing strange in that, except that we are actually having conversations that we avoided when we were married, without arguing. In fact, when one of us has had a really bad day, or going through a bad stretch, we can call each other and talk, with no advice, just someone that actually is listening and not directly involved. She can calm me down, and I seem to be able to calm her down, kinda. It seems that while she enjoys our conversations, she is reminded of one of the things that she found about me that turned her on, namely my voice. Now, personally, I do not understand this, never has a woman's voice really turned me on, although a soft sultry voice is hypnotizing. Anyway, to the point. Why the hell could we not do this when we were married? Sometimes 'adults' forget how to be adult.

Greta75 -> RE: Why is it? (9/16/2016 2:53:37 AM)
Probably because in marriage, maybe her expectations of you became higher. Now as just friends, her expectations of you is lower. Some people are best as friends. That's why me and my male best friend, are not married and choose to stay as best friends. I know if he was my husband, I would start getting annoyed at him! My expectations of him would be on another level which then maybe for once, our incredible perfect harmony will be dissolved.

jlf1961 -> RE: Why is it? (9/16/2016 6:40:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge quote: ORIGINAL: jlf1961 Well, for the last couple of years, I have been talking to an ex wife. Nothing strange in that, except that we are actually having conversations that we avoided when we were married, without arguing. In fact, when one of us has had a really bad day, or going through a bad stretch, we can call each other and talk, with no advice, just someone that actually is listening and not directly involved. She can calm me down, and I seem to be able to calm her down, kinda. It seems that while she enjoys our conversations, she is reminded of one of the things that she found about me that turned her on, namely my voice. Now, personally, I do not understand this, never has a woman's voice really turned me on, although a soft sultry voice is hypnotizing. Anyway, to the point. Why the hell could we not do this when we were married? Sometimes 'adults' forget how to be adult. Good point

needlesandpins -> RE: Why is it? (9/16/2016 12:05:16 PM)
Because everything else around us about life, and them drives us bat shit crazy. When we are not with them it's easier to be detached, and that allows for the best parts of us. I used to like my ex playmate's voice. He's has a deep undertone that is very pleasant when he's happy. I used to like laying with my head on his chest whilst he read to me. He could either be soothing, or a turn on. However, these days I don't think it would hold either quality for me anymore. It's nice that the two of you have got o a place where you have this space for each other. Needles

satanscharmer -> RE: Why is it? (9/16/2016 9:20:31 PM)
Because when someone is around a person, day in and day out, it's easy to become comfortable. So comfortable that they expect the things they admire and love about that person, so much that they don't even notice them anymore. Instead, they start to only recognize those annoying things they can't stand. That's one guess.

restful1 -> RE: Why is it? (9/17/2016 9:36:43 PM)
It has been said, 'when a marriage disintegrates it is usually the other person running from their own character, instead of that of the other person.' Living daily with another person puts one face to face with themself, the other is a mirror into which one peers into and for it to work one must actually face their own demons. Those who are less mature will project their own insecurities and issues on their spouse.......... after much observation I must concur. Another is taking the other for granted.

OsideGirl -> RE: Why is it? (9/17/2016 10:24:14 PM)
You're less invested in the relationship, so you feel less vulnerable during these conversations. You have less ability to hurt each other and will be less reactionary. And distance often provides perspective.

sloguy02246 -> RE: Why is it? (9/18/2016 7:18:37 AM)
Whenever I sit down with the ex, we get along fine - as long as we don't talk about ourselves. I can't speak for her, but when she starts telling me about her thoughts and perspectives and feelings (using the same tired words and phrases from the limited vocabulary she has used for all of her adult life), all the things I grew to dislike about her come flooding back and the resentment picks up right where it left off. But then I just smile, secure in the knowledge that she won't be staying around beyond the end of our conversation, and, more importantly, everything I don't like about her has become another man's problem.

AtUrCervix -> RE: Why is it? (9/19/2016 6:52:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jlf1961 Well, for the last couple of years, I have been talking to an ex wife. Nothing strange in that, except that we are actually having conversations that we avoided when we were married, without arguing. In fact, when one of us has had a really bad day, or going through a bad stretch, we can call each other and talk, with no advice, just someone that actually is listening and not directly involved. She can calm me down, and I seem to be able to calm her down, kinda. It seems that while she enjoys our conversations, she is reminded of one of the things that she found about me that turned her on, namely my voice. Now, personally, I do not understand this, never has a woman's voice really turned me on, although a soft sultry voice is hypnotizing. Anyway, to the point. Why the hell could we not do this when we were married? Well....it's simple....she was wrong. You were right! By the way....I know this chic....her eyes (and her voice...but mostly her eyes)....we split up (never having actually really gotten together....entirely....to my personal dismay, but also to my personal good fortune)...who EVERY time I saw her....(which I don't any more) knocked me on the ground (I ain't talking figuratively). Imagine Elizabeth Taylor eyes (only hers....my chics...weren't purple) and then.....some kind of voice that just sends tractor beams out...put those together and.... "Hey babe....would you like to step in to that volcano for me.....right over there where all that red hot lava is?" "Why....yes I would!" There are chics out there that, short / tall, fat / skinny, huuuuuuuge boobs....or none.....with JUST those two combinations....the eyes and the voice....can knock a man over on his ass, and flatten him like the proverbial pancake. Hence why I don't see her anymore.....I (LITERALLY) had no control over myself when I was with her. Crazy shit....but absolutely all too true.

YourSincereSlave -> RE: Why is it? (9/20/2016 10:05:39 AM)
The way I see it, being in a relationship sets up expectations and adds a certain level of stress. When you live together with someone, and that someone feels down, it's going to affect you and sometimes you're just not in the right state of mind to deal with that. Same goes for discussing topics where you have a disagreement. Disagreements within a relationship is hard.. you -want- your wife/husband/SO to be on the same page. Those couple that can get through all that are the couples that last. Not that this is a cause for separation (but it can be), but it's a good sign of whether things are working out. Now between friends, all of this stress, these expectations, this worrying about having to live together even if the conversation turns sour all vanishes. So you can both speak freely.

restful1 -> RE: Why is it? (9/20/2016 6:41:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourSincereSlave The way I see it, being in a relationship sets up expectations and adds a certain level of stress. When you live together with someone, and that someone feels down, it's going to affect you and sometimes you're just not in the right state of mind to deal with that. Same goes for discussing topics where you have a disagreement. Disagreements within a relationship is hard.. you -want- your wife/husband/SO to be on the same page. Those couple that can get through all that are the couples that last. Not that this is a cause for separation (but it can be), but it's a good sign of whether things are working out. Now between friends, all of this stress, these expectations, this worrying about having to live together even if the conversation turns sour all vanishes. So you can both speak freely. It is the Dominants responsibility to make sure both are on the same page. I am amazed to see here so many discussing arguments, disagreements for it is usually a result of lack of communication. The reason more comfortable with friends is because we may be resisting in the relations with the SO.

stef -> RE: Why is it? (9/20/2016 7:53:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: restful1 It is the Dominants responsibility to make sure both are on the same page. No, it's both people's responsibility to make sure both are on the same page.

jlf1961 -> RE: Why is it? (9/20/2016 8:05:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stef quote: ORIGINAL: restful1 It is the Dominants responsibility to make sure both are on the same page. No, it's both people's responsibility to make sure both are on the same page. I agree with the both party thing. What some fail to grasp, is as I said, we are talking about subjects that used to end in heated debates if not outright arguments. strangely enough, it also appears that we actually agree on these subjects and neither of us has actually changed our position. The only significant difference between when we were married (divorced in 92) both of us have at one point or another taken various academic classes including communication skills. Now, while discussing this subject with her, it seems that the biggest hurdle may have actually been the english language, or specifically, a regional dialect we were raised speaking. Now, I was a military brat, and spent time in Germany, Hawaii, Arizona, Texas, and Arkansas, so while I have no distinct accent, I do have a varied manner of using terms that seem to have completely different meanings outside the region I picked them up.

GreedyTop -> RE: Why is it? (9/22/2016 10:05:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl You're less invested in the relationship, so you feel less vulnerable during these conversations. You have less ability to hurt each other and will be less reactionary. And distance often provides perspective. This. Although there have been several other valid points. When my folks divorced, they were angry at each other... it took the finalization of the divorce for them to recover the friendship they'd had (and I am incredibly glad that they did!). Until the day my Dad died, they still loved each other as dear friends (although my Step-Mom had issues, so the friendship was on the downlow).

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