What am I? (Full Version)

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Greatlilbabygirl -> What am I? (10/5/2016 7:00:43 AM)

Being active in the lifestyle for only a year now, I've struggled from the beginning to find my place, my niche in the wide world of kink. I know that PE is the most enticing and most comfortable aspect of BDSM that I've tried. I truly enjoyed the PE relationships and interactions I've had, but I've consistently ran into a wall. More experienced lifestylers have told me I'm not "a submissive" and I'm decidedly not dominant in bed or while scening. I don't naturally gravitate towards a Top role but conversely I don't fall easily into submission either.

I'm not a submissive but I long to submit. I'm not a Domme, I don't want to take control. I'm somewhere in between with no one to turn to and no hope of satisfaction and that more than depresses me. So what am I? It seems to matter to others when they talk to me, so I guess I must try and figure it out.

What are the possibilities? What questions or options do you think I haven't been asking myself or exploring? I need your seasoned, sage opinions and advice.

Thank you



ohthat1percent -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:08:30 AM)

why do you need to label yourself? You've described what you are perfectly. Instead of trying to fit into a box, why not just be who you are? If you try and fit yourself into a box, you won't grow or explore, instead you will constantly be looking for others to define you.

I'm submissive but I'm not easily so. I get told al the time what I am not by silly people. Because I'm aggressive and assertive I get told what I am by other silly people. But in the end, the men who fit in my life simply let me exhale and be because he simply is.

Your relationship with someone isn't defined by labels but defined by the whole of the peiople. Explore things to help you add to who you are - don't explore things to put a label on you behind. You are not a suitcase.

Edited to add: it's only been a year- you have a long way to go and a lot of exploring to do to add to who you are in terms of bdsm. No need to define a label - be the unique growing person you are. With a person that matters - he/she will need to understand you - not your label.



Alecta -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:16:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I'm not "a submissive" and I'm decidedly not dominant in bed or while scening. I don't naturally gravitate towards a Top role but conversely I don't fall easily into submission either.


Why are you so resistant to admitting to being a Bottom?



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:25:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I'm not "a submissive" and I'm decidedly not dominant in bed or while scening. I don't naturally gravitate towards a Top role but conversely I don't fall easily into submission either.


Why are you so resistant to admitting to being a Bottom?



I'm not sure what that means exactly. It seems to describe people who are just about play time. That's not me. Maybe I don't understand what it really means. And it's not even an option on here. It's frustrating.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:29:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent

why do you need to label yourself? You've described what you are perfectly. Instead of trying to fit into a box, why not just be who you are? If you try and fit yourself into a box, you won't grow or explore, instead you will constantly be looking for others to define you.

I'm submissive but I'm not easily so. I get told al the time what I am not by silly people. Because I'm aggressive and assertive I get told what I am by other silly people. But in the end, the men who fit in my life simply let me exhale and be because he simply is.

Your relationship with someone isn't defined by labels but defined by the whole of the peiople. Explore things to help you add to who you are - don't explore things to put a label on you behind. You are not a suitcase.

Edited to add: it's only been a year- you have a long way to go and a lot of exploring to do to add to who you are in terms of bdsm. No need to define a label - be the unique growing person you are. With a person that matters - he/she will need to understand you - not your label.


I try to eschew labels as much as possible but being told I'm not this or that or that I should be this or that by others in the lifestyle has brought me to tears. It is partly to blame for my recent breakup as well. I couldn't submit or agree with everything my ex Daddy was doing or asking me to do and when I spoke with others they said it was because I wasn't really a submissive or really poly or whatever and that I should breakup with him until I figured out what I was. It's a big deal to me, because he didn't want to break up but I was convinced I had to because I can't figure out what my role is.

Does that make sense?



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:38:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

Being active in the lifestyle for only a year now, I've struggled from the beginning to find my place, my niche in the wide world of kink. I know that PE is the most enticing and most comfortable aspect of BDSM that I've tried. I truly enjoyed the PE relationships and interactions I've had, but I've consistently ran into a wall. More experienced lifestylers have told me I'm not "a submissive" and I'm decidedly not dominant in bed or while scening. I don't naturally gravitate towards a Top role but conversely I don't fall easily into submission either.

You may not be a domme sexually but from all your other responses across several other threads, you are a dominant in all other aspects of your life - including trying to dominate your daddy/dom when you weren't scening with him.

You don't need to put yourself into a box or give yourself a label.
If you really want one, why not choose to be a switch??
Though to be honest, to me, you are clearly a bottom more than anything else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I'm not a submissive but I long to submit. I'm not a Domme, I don't want to take control.

You clearly do - outside of a scene.
That is evident from your earlier reasponses.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:42:03 AM)

To further complicate things I took the bdsm.org test at the beginning of my journey and several times since, and my percentage of submissive goes up and up. I feel I long to be submissive, would thrive on it, but after reading and participating in several discussions here I get the impression that being a submissive is a personality traits that comes naturally to those who are and that just isn't me. I'm naturally stubborn, controlling, dramatic, impatient, take charge, blunt, and opinionated and even if I love the guy to death if I think he's making a bad choice or is slipping in an area I can do better or give direction in, I can't keep my mouth shut and I tell him what I think he should do. I'm told real submissives don't do this, that their Dom is their God or authority or alpha and they either agree with him or need to leave. It's all so confusing because that mindset makes me extremely uncomfortable and I literally can't give up that much control or I get physically ill. I dropped 20 lbs in two weeks when my ex Daddy took on a second girl because I couldn't submit to the way he did it, how he conducted himself in relation to it and by trying to suppress my self and force myself to submit and agree to the new dynamic I stopped eating. It was horrible.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:45:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

To further complicate things I took the bdsm.org test at the beginning of my journey and several times since, and my percentage of submissive goes up and up. I feel I long to be submissive, would thrive on it, but after reading and participating in several discussions here I get the impression that being a submissive is a personality traits that comes naturally to those who are and that just isn't me. I'm naturally stubborn, controlling, dramatic, impatient, take charge, blunt, and opinionated and even if I love the guy to death if I think he's making a bad choice or is slipping in an area I can do better or give direction in, I can't keep my mouth shut and I tell him what I think he should do. I'm told real submissives don't do this, that their Dom is their God or authority or alpha and they either agree with him or need to leave. It's all so confusing because that mindset makes me extremely uncomfortable and I literally can't give up that much control or I get physically ill. I dropped 20 lbs in two weeks when my ex Daddy took on a second girl because I couldn't submit to the way he did it, how he conducted himself in relation to it and by trying to suppress my self and force myself to submit and agree to the new dynamic I stopped eating. It was horrible.

I think you are confusing submissive with doormat.

Subs do tell/advise their dominants about things.
The difference between you and a sub is that you want to take control over the situation - that is what subs don't do.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:47:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

Being active in the lifestyle for only a year now, I've struggled from the beginning to find my place, my niche in the wide world of kink. I know that PE is the most enticing and most comfortable aspect of BDSM that I've tried. I truly enjoyed the PE relationships and interactions I've had, but I've consistently ran into a wall. More experienced lifestylers have told me I'm not "a submissive" and I'm decidedly not dominant in bed or while scening. I don't naturally gravitate towards a Top role but conversely I don't fall easily into submission either.

You may not be a domme sexually but from all your other responses across several other threads, you are a dominant in all other aspects of your life - including trying to dominate your daddy/dom when you weren't scening with him.

You don't need to put yourself into a box or give yourself a label.
If you really want one, why not choose to be a switch??
Though to be honest, to me, you are clearly a bottom more than anything else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I'm not a submissive but I long to submit. I'm not a Domme, I don't want to take control.

You clearly do - outside of a scene.
That is evident from your earlier reasponses.


I'm definitely not a switch. And that's what I mean. People telling me I'm dominant "outside a scene" so I'm not a submissive. But I enjoy and thrive on giving up that control in and outside the bedroom. I know I do. When I feel secure I have no problem submitting and deferring to my partner, but when I see them making big mistakes or not leading it's gone, the will to submit is gone and I take control because I feel forced to. I don't understand those who say they submit even if their Dom is making bad choices or not leading effectively. That I'm a bad sub for questioning things. The guilt I feel right now, like it's my fault everything ended is almost unbearable, that once again I wasn't good enough and didn't try hard enough.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:49:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

To further complicate things I took the bdsm.org test at the beginning of my journey and several times since, and my percentage of submissive goes up and up. I feel I long to be submissive, would thrive on it, but after reading and participating in several discussions here I get the impression that being a submissive is a personality traits that comes naturally to those who are and that just isn't me. I'm naturally stubborn, controlling, dramatic, impatient, take charge, blunt, and opinionated and even if I love the guy to death if I think he's making a bad choice or is slipping in an area I can do better or give direction in, I can't keep my mouth shut and I tell him what I think he should do. I'm told real submissives don't do this, that their Dom is their God or authority or alpha and they either agree with him or need to leave. It's all so confusing because that mindset makes me extremely uncomfortable and I literally can't give up that much control or I get physically ill. I dropped 20 lbs in two weeks when my ex Daddy took on a second girl because I couldn't submit to the way he did it, how he conducted himself in relation to it and by trying to suppress my self and force myself to submit and agree to the new dynamic I stopped eating. It was horrible.

I think you are confusing submissive with doormat.

Subs do tell/advise their dominants about things.
The difference between you and a sub is that you want to take control over the situation - that is what subs don't do.



Is there a guide or rulebook somewhere so I can see what subs do and don't do?

And I don't want to take control, I feel I'm forced to. I've yet to meet a man or woman who makes me feel confident enough in their competence and dominance that I can relinquish control and be completely safe and secure in them. That seems impossible and I don't know how others do it.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:56:07 AM)

I wonder if anyone else has this issue with what they think they are doesn't match up with how others in the lifestyle perceive them.



Baldrick -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 7:59:33 AM)

The lifestyle is what you make it.... find someone you match well with and screw everyone else's opinion... it's you and the person you are with that matters



mnottertail -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:02:06 AM)

I have reviewed your profile, you are a human, ostensibly of the female species, the rest of the shit is just a little bit of slap and tickle, do not give it another moments thought.




BitaTruble -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:04:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

What are the possibilities? What questions or options do you think I haven't been asking myself or exploring? I need your seasoned, sage opinions and advice.

Thank you


Of course you are a submissive and you should just say fuck off to anyone who tells you different. ;) Your personality isn't your orientation. Lots of people forget that and it's why seemingly great relationships die when natural personality is oppressed. You just want someone to take your breathe away with style so the part of you that's a control freak can fucking breath and relax.

The label is submissive..and that is simply the first line of conversation..the rest ..you just to fill in details with the folks who matter to you..which are not going to be most people.

Questions to ask yourself?

How come I am not having fun? Explore that..feed that..follow that and you can maximize your potential to grow and gain.

Submissives are notorious control freaks. ;)







DesFIP -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:10:32 AM)

It's not about the label. It's about finding compatible partners who want the same things you do.
I'm submissive to one because I've never met anyone else I could respect enough to submit to.

Even in vanilla relationships I had enormous difficulty finding a compatible partner.
I need all my boxes ticked and that's rare.

Figure out what you must have and what you cannot tolerate. Don't enter into relationships that lack your must haves or contain any of your deal breakers.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:12:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I'm definitely not a switch. And that's what I mean. People telling me I'm dominant "outside a scene" so I'm not a submissive. But I enjoy and thrive on giving up that control in and outside the bedroom. I know I do. When I feel secure I have no problem submitting and deferring to my partner, but when I see them making big mistakes or not leading it's gone, the will to submit is gone and I take control because I feel forced to.

That is the time to realize that is when you walk out of the relationship.
Recognising that someone is the wrong person for you is key.
Being stubborn is not the right thing - that makes it toxic.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
I don't understand those who say they submit even if their Dom is making bad choices or not leading effectively.

They are the doormats.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
That I'm a bad sub for questioning things. The guilt I feel right now, like it's my fault everything ended is almost unbearable, that once again I wasn't good enough and didn't try hard enough.

Nope. Your daddy let you down.
Your mistake was to cling on regardless like grim death.

You will be 'good enough' with the right person.
You just have to find him.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
Is there a guide or rulebook somewhere so I can see what subs do and don't do?

No, there isn't.
Just like there isn't one for bringing up children.
Every relationship is uniquely different.
And that's why there is no book - it would be bigger than War and Peace or the Enclyclopaedia Britanica.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl
And I don't want to take control, I feel I'm forced to. I've yet to meet a man or woman who makes me feel confident enough in their competence and dominance that I can relinquish control and be completely safe and secure in them. That seems impossible and I don't know how others do it.

Perhaps it is because you aren't letting go.
Or that your expectations are way too high.
It's anyone's guess as to the cause - we would only be shooting in the dark.

Possibly, quite possibly, you just aren't cut out for this lifestyle.
Not just one aspect, but all of it - the whole kink scene.
Had you thought of that?
Perhaps the fantasy is better and you can't deal with the reality of it all.
And you wouldn't be the first person.

And despite Bita's comment, for some people, the reality isn't realisable and it remains a fantasy.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:15:36 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl

What are the possibilities? What questions or options do you think I haven't been asking myself or exploring? I need your seasoned, sage opinions and advice.

Thank you


Of course you are a submissive and you should just say fuck off to anyone who tells you different. ;) Your personality isn't your orientation. Lots of people forget that and it's why seemingly great relationships die when natural personality is oppressed. You just want someone to take your breathe away with style so the part of you that's a control freak can fucking breath and relax.

The label is submissive..and that is simply the first line of conversation..the rest ..you just to fill in details with the folks who matter to you..which are not going to be most people.

Questions to ask yourself?

How come I am not having fun? Explore that..feed that..follow that and you can maximize your potential to grow and gain.

Submissives are notorious control freaks. ;)







I do appreciate this feedback, but I've heard the exact opposite from some very prominent and respected posters on this very message board. That submissive is who you are not an orientation but your very fabric. That if it doesn't come naturally then you are really a submissive. That's what I struggle with. I don't seem to have the natural ability to submit. I've been told if my submission must be earned or inspired then I'm just playing. I don't feel like I'm playing, I just feel empty now that my submission isn't being expressed. It's a really bad feeling.



Greatlilbabygirl -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:26:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1



Possibly, quite possibly, you just aren't cut out for this lifestyle.
Not just one aspect, but all of it - the whole kink scene.
Had you thought of that?
Perhaps the fantasy is better and you can't deal with the reality of it all.
And you wouldn't be the first person.

And despite Bita's comment, for some people, the reality isn't realisable and it remains a fantasy.



I've thought about it, but I've never been a fantacist or role player and don't enjoy fantasy unless it's movies or books. I love reality and hands on and experiencing what's real and possible. I literally have no patience for play acting or the intangible. So I don't know why I'd start preferring fantasy over reality now. I don't think that's it at all.



BitaTruble -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:28:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greatlilbabygirl







I do appreciate this feedback, but I've heard the exact opposite from some very prominent and respected posters on this very message board.



Oh, in that case just ignore what I wrote..if it doesn't reasonate, no worries. You have already heard from the people who matter and it seemed to bother you. I am probably just wrong. ::chuckles::





Alecta -> RE: What am I? (10/5/2016 8:31:14 AM)

If you have considered the question of whether you are a top, you have to consider if you are a bottom, it's similar and differentiated only by which side of the leash they are on. Bottoms only want to recieve the experience, they do not "give in to" in the relationship.

quote:

When I feel secure I have no problem submitting and deferring to my partner, but when I see them making big mistakes or not leading it's gone, the will to submit is gone and I take control because I feel forced to.


You need to understand that being content to let the other person take the lead when you think they're making good choices is NOT submissive. It is simply allowing the standing situation. It is exactly the same as when I tell my slave to "surprise me with dinner" when I don't have any specific preference for dinner in mind. Submission/Dominance is what happens when things go wrong, when the dinner placed in front of me is not to my taste. -- Submission is eating it, even under protest, simply because the other person wants me to.

quote:

I don't understand those who say they submit even if their Dom is making bad choices or not leading effectively. That I'm a bad sub for questioning things.


There is a big difference between bad choices and choices you don't agree with. There is also a difference between asking questions/raising concerns, and challenging. You have been consistently confusing these things.

Let's say I want to buy a dog. My slave hates dogs and doesn't want me to have one. That's fine, he can feel however he wants about it, it's not unsubmissive to object. It isn't even unsubmissive to raise legitimate concerns such as whether I could provide a happy home for a dog since I'm not really home enough. Submission is recognising that it is completely up to me to decide and conclude whether I get the dog or not, whether he agrees or not, like it or not.

Submission is giving up all control and place your complete trust in someone. It doesn't mean you never speak or think for yourself, it means when you bring up concerns or information, you bow to the decision of the Dominant no matter what YOU think. -- Which is where you have demonstrated 2 major issues:

1. Either you "submitted" too easily to someone whom you do not actually trust (you SAY you do but you keep mistrusting his decisions and his orders)

or 2. You only "submit" when the situation suits your fetishes; you have a set scenario in your head in which you are "submissive", and it is your way or the high way (sometimes called bottom-topping).

Some submissives feel they should submit regardless of trust, others feel there has to be trust for them to submit, either are right, it's a personal choice. The reason I think you are the second is simply because you keep insisting that you trusted your Dom, so you have to face that you were either lying to yourself about it or you only engage Doms as actors in your submission play.


I strongly believe that you are not a submissive, just attached to the idea of submitting.



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