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MY personal space! - 12/4/2004 7:42:38 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Why do so many submissive men assume they get to come into my personal space and play? First of all, I have a vanilla housemate and nothing fetish goes on in this house. Even if that weren't the case, I'd not have random subs to my home. It would be different in a long term relationship, but the men who are expecting me to host are ones who have just met me. I've had four men in the past three hours ask me to play with them and assume they get to do so at my home. I am not a pro. My toys are mobile. I expect the sub to provide a place to play. How many others (non pro of course, since Pro provide a dungeon) find that subs just assume they get to invade your private sanctuary?

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: MY personal space! - 12/5/2004 4:22:21 AM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

subs ASSume much at times Beach
thats why I prefer slaves. LOL
Many people think that All Dommes
are totally Open about Their lifestyle
and dont hide it like others from the
vanilla world. It sounds to Me like
You were simply contacted by the
cyberslut gang of cheap players
whom only seek those Dominants
whom will take the first thing that
comes their way for play and a
quick wank. Why do You give
these types even a reply in words?
The first thing I tell any slave whom
contacts Me is they have to go thru
My proceedures of contact which involves
Me gaining copys of their personal info
by snail post office mail and that pretty
much weeds out the * can you come out
and play with Me quick * folks from the ones
whom are serious. Set up a proceedure
that You use which gains You the type of
sub or slave You seek Beach. I gain conversation
and scening play on My terms not theirs.
Good luck in what You seek Beach..

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RE: MY personal space! - 12/5/2004 7:06:05 PM

lil_d

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/25/2004
Status: offline

I would suspect that a lot of these men are used to seeing pros, and are expecting the same kind of service without the paying bit. Or are married. Either way, those people throwing out their expectations of you without regard for your circumstances or desires indicate the kind of people they are. Users. Definetly not people looking for the give and take required of a functioning friendship or relationship.

Some people may have just as valid reasons as yours for not wanting to play in their own space. But the sincere ones will probably want to work with you to find some middle ground on things, rather than demanding that they play in your space.

I wish you luck in finding more appropriate partners.

Sincerely,

lil_d

< Message edited by lil_d -- 12/5/2004 7:07:34 PM >

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RE: MY personal space! - 12/6/2004 5:58:05 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I don't think these are men who are used to seeing pros. I think it is more that they are men who are too cheap to see pros, and expect to have everything provided for them. Because I have a large toy collection, I often have men want to see me for the toys I own. My answer to anyone I suspect of that type of using is.. great, we can play.. but only with toys YOU provide.

One of the problems is the difference in the way men and women think. A man, by offering us his body for use, thinks he is giving us something because if the situation were reversed, he'd be happy as heck to take the offer. Most men would love to get to use a woman as a sexual slave and have some thought that women must feel the same way. Most of us don't. Any woman who wants to get laid can go do so. We don't have to do anything more than indicate willingness. To me, a man offering me his body is trite. He's a sub.. of course he wants to be used. Rather than pester me sexually, they should be finding out who **i** am and what pleases me. As it turns out, I actually do enjoy using a man for my own sexual gratification.. but you can bet that it will not be one who offers himself to me in such a way.

I am actually finding more worthy partners than previously. I got myself into the R/t scene and joined a Domme/male sub organization. The man I've been playing with from there is wonderfully submissive, and from what I've observed the other subs are also. It makes it easier to pick a submissive when you can see a demo, so to speak. I'll no longer meet a sub who doesn't show up at one of the munches. If they don't have it in them to put themselves out to meet me on my terms, they're just not going to meet me. I've told about 50 men that, and so far only one has showed up at a munch to meet me. He also came to a playparty, but after seeing how he acted in such a setting, it was clear he wasn't for me. I have a sub telling me he is going to show up to the next munch to meet me. We'll see.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: MY personal space! - 12/7/2004 4:45:49 PM

LadyBadger

Posts: 176
Joined: 11/6/2004
From: Lake Forest, CA
Status: offline

AY-men, Sistah! ::grin::

yes, I too do not play at home -- that's MY private space as well as my partner's...

I'm also of the mindset that if anyone is interested in ME, they can meet me where I plan to be -- generally at a munch, social or public play party... meeting me does NOT guarantee play either... it means they get to see ME in action, whether socializing or playing... they can then decide/choose whether to continue or not...

a gentleman just wrote me to ask for a meeting; I responded I was not available this week, but maybe next week... he then asked for an assignment!! as if a simple courtesy implies anything at all...

the other points re going to a Pro, etc. ... I think many confuse Lifestyle vs. Pro, thinking to get something for "free" from a Lifestyler vs. paying a Pro for their service(s)/time... thing is, being Lifestyle (to me) is NOT about simply satisfying a fetish -- (to me) it's participating in an entire culture, lifestyle, etc.

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RE: MY personal space! - 12/7/2004 10:22:49 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

Dear BeachMystress,
Thanks for posing this question; I have always wondered what other Dommes do? For me, I always need for him to have a place to play or be able to afford a hotel, because I have a child and have no intention of introducing that child to random dates (unless the person becomes a long term significant other, my child stays out of the equation), and I also have a roomate (but primary reason I don't have men over at all, is child).
This requirement of mine of course, means one must talk about "evil money", can he afford to live alone, or a hotel for when we go out... Money is a matter I've never been comfotable discussing, but I feel this pre planning is important, because in the past, men have always assumed that if I let them in my apartment (when I was single/childless), they're also invited to my body, so I try to avoid inviting him over all together.
Can anyone read in my message why I began looking for less presumptuous=submissive men, lol?
Have a good night, Ms M

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RE: MY personal space! - 12/9/2004 5:05:02 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger
I think many confuse Lifestyle vs. Pro, thinking to get something for "free" from a Lifestyler vs. paying a Pro for their service(s)/time...

Oh I don't think they confuse it at all. They are looking for something for nothing. I've quit seeing married men at all. I am a single Domme and am looking for a deeper relationship with someone than just beating them once a month. I want true mental involvement and I don't feel you can get that with a man who has someone else as the prime focus in his life. Married men often still keep trying after I tell them I am only interested in single men. My question then is.. What do **I** get from taking you as a sub. Their answer is always the same.. their body to do whatever I want. I tell them what I want is someone to wake up to on Sunday morning. Someone to go to the movies with as well as spank. The smart ones thank me for my time at that point and go away. The others.. they try to tell me that their body is worth not having the deeper interaction. *evil smile* That is when I get unpleasant. I'll spare you the details of that. Suffice to say, I do understand a little about psychology and motivation. What is it they say about never pissing off a Domme? *angelic look*

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBadger
a gentleman just wrote me to ask for a meeting; I responded I was not available this week, but maybe next week... he then asked for an assignment!! as if a simple courtesy implies anything at all...

LOL, you give an inch, they want to take the entire thing. My standard answer is go write me a story. They don't want to write. They want to be told how to masturbate or that they need to wear a butt plug for x amount of time. Writing isn't any fun for most of them. If you're feeling REALLY evil, tell them you want poetry. LMAO

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
I have always wondered what other Dommes do? For me, I always need for him to have a place to play or be able to afford a hotel, because I have a child and have no intention of introducing that child to random dates (unless the person becomes a long term significant other, my child stays out of the equation), and I also have a roommate (but primary reason I don't have men over at all, is child).

I make sure that I tell someone early in a conversation that I never have subs to my place. At that time, they usually ask where I play then. I tell them it isn't my problem where I play, it is the subs. His place, hotel.. doesn't matter to me. The petty details are a sub's job, not mine.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
This requirement of mine of course, means one must talk about "evil money", can he afford to live alone, or a hotel for when we go out... Money is a matter I've never been comfortable discussing, but I feel this pre planning is important,

I agree. It is a hard thing to bring up. I also agree that it is very important if you're to have any type of lasting relationship. No matter how wonderful the guy is, if you can never play because he lives with his folks and can't afford a place to pay... well.. :-(

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

because in the past, men have always assumed that if I let them in my apartment (when I was single/childless), they're also invited to my body, so I try to avoid inviting him over all together.

I've run into subs both ways.. who expect sex, or who expect no sex. I point out to them that sex or not is up to ME, not them. They can not expect anything either way. The ones who expect there will be no sex often turn out to be men who are married and usually go to pros. They don't want to cheat on their wives. It doesn't occur to them that there is nothing forbidding a lifestyle Domme from sleeping with her sub. We're not being paid.. we don't have the problem of it being prostitution if we have sex with our subs. (another way you can figure out a sub is married/attached without being told.. does he have marks as a hard limit. There are a couple of reasons a man can't have marks, such as someone who has a communal shower at work or gym. Usually though, it indicates a significant other.) I get rather nasty with anyone who assumes that they get to touch me without being given permission. The last person who seriously tried to do something with me without my consent ended up urinating blood for three days. (I will not go into details, but believe me.. he deserved it!)

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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