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MissKatya -> RE: Negotiation over payment demands (10/28/2016 7:08:01 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Gunshow
This may seem like a rant, but I am genuinely interested in learning more of a community perspective. I was engaging with a domme with several emails back and forth to establish what we each are looking for and the parameters of a relationship. She is not a findomme or prodomme. She does mention early on that she wants a fetish item as a "tribute" and to help weed out time wasters. Now, I am not generally looking for pay for play, but I am a giving person to those I care about, and the "economics" (supply / demand / etc) for a male sub online are against him, so I agree to consider it. I'm imagining some fun fetish items, but I don't know exactly when this will be demanded, and I am interested to learn more about this domme before committing.
We send a few more emails, roleplaying the relationship with honorifics and capitalization and me playing very submissive and subservient. Of course, we have no trust yet, and I require trust to be truly submissive. Then the payment demand comes. $100 Amazon gift card. At this point I say, paraphrased "Let me take off my slave collar and discuss this freely". Then I lay out the ways in which I would be comfortable parting with $100.
The next response is angry, that I'm "topping from the bottom", and she hopes I can find some other domme who can handle my "issues". One of my own requirements before giving something that can't be taken back, like a compromising photo or money, is a short, non-sexual video chat. Unsurprisingly she refused.
On the one hand, I can see her point: I had vaguely agreed to pay some sort of tribute at some point. To me, that is just the starting point of a negotiation, like negotiating over limits. Making payments to somebody is not my fetish, and it's not part of the D/s relationship. To me, that's just her condition for making the next step, just like one of my conditions is a video chat. Is there any sense in which she is right that I was "topping from the bottom" or otherwise behaving poorly as a potential submissive? Of course, you are only getting my perspective, but I am trying very hard to be fair.
EDIT: for the sake of discussion, I'd rather frame this as a hypothetical than something that "actually happened". This avoids getting sidetracked into disagreements about what actually did happen
No, I don't believe that you were topping from the bottom and this does sound a little scammish but if this person was a legit Domme, I can also see how she may have felt that you have been stringing her along and the gift card could have been asked as a "shit or get off the pot" ultimatum. Then again, we only one one side of this situation and based on what you wrote, it sounds like a scam.
I don't like to discuss the logistics of any business here but since these topics are popping up, maybe throwing a few pieces of advice may be useful.
I tell those who are interested in a tributed sessions of any type that they need to google my name and contact me via my website. I don't give them a link but my name is available to research. That's because I have a well documented internet footprint that spans over 16 years. They can find reviews of me, my website, my phone lines, videos, my Domme board on another forum, etc. They have the ability to search me out and verify that I am legit. It's also neutral playing ground. Communicating here on CS gives too much of an option to scam both parties out of time and energy so if someone wants an online (or even in real time experience) they need to show sincereity by taking the time to know about me.
It helps to weed out the time wasters but it also puts myself in a more trustworthy situation. You know more about me than just a photo and a profile on CS.
You mentioned a smaller amount that you were willing to part with. For my deposits, I ask for smaller amounts for the reason of trust and sincerity. If you trust me enough to give $50 off the bat by a few email exchanges, I have to trust that you are willing to part with that money and follow through.
But to be very honest with you, I feel that the guys who are constantly posting about scams here create their own demise because they have plenty of options to find a legit Domme who will meet their needs but instead they go with the scammers or the ones with little to no experience or creditability-because it's instant gratification on CS as opposed to finding a geninuine one and have to jump through a few hoops to make an online situation happen.
But no, you weren't topping from the bottom but if you are really looking for an online experience with someone who is actually a woman or is not a scammer, you're better off researching some Dommes off this site.
Also, if someone says that are not a findomme or prodomme but want a gift card upfront, that's usually a red flag that nothing is going to happen once that card is sent. In this case, you may actually be better off with someone who announces that they are a fin/pro as you already know what you are getting into.
**edited for typo-oops**
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