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Mentors - 10/31/2016 2:01:38 PM   
Masterblackindy


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/12/2013
Status: offline 		Hi, I've been interested in domination for some time. I feel I've only played at it so far. What I've learned has mainly been online. I read it's best for one to get a mentor. What do you look for in a mentor? How do you know if they would be a good one?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Mentors - 10/31/2016 2:18:09 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Honestly, the way is to get out to your local community. Do some networking and find someone with a good reputation.

I'll also add, that if you're new....calling yourself Master is not really the way to go. It implies an experience level that you don't have and lying about experience is one of the things that spreads fast through a community.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Masterblackindy)
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RE: Mentors - 10/31/2016 5:11:14 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterblackindy

Hi, I've been interested in domination for some time. I feel I've only played at it so far. What I've learned has mainly been online. I read it's best for one to get a mentor. What do you look for in a mentor? How do you know if they would be a good one?

There isn't a certification program, or a governing body. Go to demonstrations and events, and find someone whose work or thought process you admire, and try to learn from them. Could be a man or a woman, a dom or a sub. Subs and switches are often excellent at explaining how to do things correctly, and what happens when things go wrong.

Also, I suggest you take the plunge and buy a book, any book, from the book list: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Vetted books like those tend to have higher-quality, and more in-depth, information than what you can find online.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Masterblackindy)
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RE: Mentors - 10/31/2016 5:25:08 PM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		I disagree to some extent as to calling yourself Master. IF he uses it to define his experience -- then yes, don't use it unless you actually have experience that would elevate you to being a Master of skill amongst others in the community. The concept of Master is not just based on experience, its also something a Man may aspire to be to a woman. While he may never have done so -- he may be perfectly capable of mastering a woman and thereby being a Master to her.

People tend to see Master as like an extension of Dom and its not accurate in many cases -- its a concept of relationship, not skill level. Just like people use slave as an extension of submissive -- is not accurate.

So someone using Master as an indication what he seeks to be to someone, rather than a concept like a Master Blacksmith or the like, he should be fine. Any community would not see that as lying unless they were obsessive about believing THEY determine what people are. Sometimes "communities" tend to be way to full of themselves in believing they should control how people identify.

I personally do not like the local communities because they try and control things ways to much and many times its a "our way or you are wrong" mentality. So while they may be good to network, be sure you are confident enough in yourself that you won't get sucked into doing it "their" way to the detriment of being your own Man.



_____________________________

A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Mentors - 10/31/2016 6:51:07 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		That's one person's opinion, which you are certainly entitled to, but the other advice given the OP is generally the norm.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
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RE: Mentors - 10/31/2016 7:28:55 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent
The concept of Master is not just based on experience, its also something a Man may aspire to be to a woman. While he may never have done so -- he may be perfectly capable of mastering a woman and thereby being a Master to her.


But until he has reached that goal of mastering a woman, he is not a master.

People within the community aren't going to pay any attention to what he prefers to be called if he hasn't demonstrated that it is warranted. If he is not regarded as a master of some subject or skill, and has no slave over which he is master of, then how is he a master?

quote:

So someone using Master as an indication what he seeks to be to someone, rather than a concept like a Master Blacksmith or the like, he should be fine.


I wouldn't be so quick to say that. The fact is that even if he has a slave and introduces himself as "Master John" to people, there is no guarantee that people aren't going to just call him John. Because he is not master over them, only his slave.

quote:

Any community would not see that as lying unless they were obsessive about believing THEY determine what people are. Sometimes "communities" tend to be way to full of themselves in believing they should control how people identify.

It could very easily be seen as lying, at a minimum it would seem sketchy. Someone who feels entitled to something they have not earned. And that may come across as a red flag to a lot of people.

quote:

I personally do not like the local communities because they try and control things ways to much and many times its a "our way or you are wrong" mentality. So while they may be good to network, be sure you are confident enough in yourself that you won't get sucked into doing it "their" way to the detriment of being your own Man.


Sometimes that is true.

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
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RE: Mentors - 11/1/2016 6:59:27 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Honestly, the way is to get out to your local community. Do some networking and find someone with a good reputation.

I'll also add, that if you're new....calling yourself Master is not really the way to go. It implies an experience level that you don't have and lying about experience is one of the things that spreads fast through a community.


I agree, but with a couple of points:

1. If someone misrepresents experience deliberately, it will on fact spread quickly. But if it's inadvertent, the Denver community is more tolerant.

2. I believe that the Gorean community would in fact call an ordinary Dom a Master.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Mentors - 11/1/2016 8:50:18 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


1. If someone misrepresents experience deliberately, it will on fact spread quickly. But if it's inadvertent, the Denver community is more tolerant.





I agree, but I can also say that as a female submissive (and we've had a lot of discussions about this) came up to me, told he was a Master and then I found out that he has no experience - I wouldn't be interested or take him seriously. Inadvertent, just means that they haven't done the research, which still isn't appealing. So, even at that level, it usually spreads through the submissives in the community.

My comment was more about marketing himself than a condemnation. It's hard enough for a new Dominant to get taken seriously, adding the term "Master" will hinder him even more.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 6:47:01 AM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		nevermind -- I am way to biased against the arrogance of communities that its not fair to the OP -- I would say just be careful OP, the communities are not as "accepting of PEOPLE"' as they tend to focus on their own arrogance and their goal is to negatively judge people over the most stupid things.

< Message edited by ohthat1percent -- 11/2/2016 6:56:01 AM >

_____________________________

A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 6:51:17 AM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		Nevermind its not worth it -- The community is so worried about titles people use they forget there are PEOPLE behind same.

< Message edited by ohthat1percent -- 11/2/2016 6:54:28 AM >

_____________________________

A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 7:09:40 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
There was talk of starting a mentorship program, here, some years back.

That was never instituted because of the possible legal ramifications of the site "promoting" the wrong person to mentor people.

There was a "Welcome Wagon" for a short time (until one of the members let their true colors show and the "Welcome Wagon" ran over a newcomer).

If you want a mentor, find someone whose comportment and insights you admire and ask them. You might be surprised at how flattered some would be, if asked.



Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 8:03:28 AM   
Greatlilbabygirl


Posts: 786
Joined: 9/9/2016
Status: offline 		Welcome OP.
I've been involved in my local community for over a year now. I've made connections and what I thought were friends and possible mentors, but mentoring takes energy and sacrifice of time and emotional energy on the part of the mentor and it's been my experience no one can or wants to put the effort into mentoring. It's exhausting and takes them away from their own interests. I hate to be negative and I'm not criticizing those who have tried to mentor me, but none of them were able to devote much time to it and I haven't gotten the mentoring I've sought either. Another thing I've encountered is the fact since the bdsm community isn't huge*, everyone knows eachother or at least knows of eachother and if I wanted to talk to my mentor about my Dom it caused issues with privacy and made my Dom upset I was sharing things with a mutual friend. I still wish I could find a mentor who doesn't end up wanting to fuck me or ends up being too busy to help when I need it.

*meaning active local members. It tends to be close knit and cliquey, as are most special interest groups.

< Message edited by Greatlilbabygirl -- 11/2/2016 8:06:35 AM >

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
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RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 8:13:23 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohthat1percent

Nevermind its not worth it -- The community is so worried about titles people use they forget there are PEOPLE behind same.

Are you based in the US? If so, you should be aware that the title "Master" has a history. BDSM grew out of leather communities of gay veterans after WW II. Because of their military background, those communities were hierarchical. One rite of passage was the earning of a "Master's Cover" -- a hat that showed you had standing in the community. Even today, when some people are called -- or call themselves -- Master Jones, that's what it means.

Much of that has been lost due to the rise of internet kink. But, well, if you want respect from people who were around before the internet, it's worth knowing a bit about the history of kink.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 8:15:30 AM   
Greatlilbabygirl


Posts: 786
Joined: 9/9/2016
Status: offline 		OP, If it helps any, your profile is one of the most sincere ones I've read on here

(in reply to Greatlilbabygirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 8:23:13 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		I am baffled by s-sides taking D-type mentors. There 9 times out of 10 you end up with a casual submission arrangement that's mostly play and not much learning, perhaps in part because there isn't a whole lot a Dtype can teach an s-side who isn't motivated to be -their- sub? I can't say for sure. It generally works out better for s-sides to teach other s-sides looking to get into things, and D-types to teach other D-types. It is a teaching relationship so both parties involved should have a clear idea of what they wish to learn and what they're going to teach.

OP, go out to your community and events. Get to know people first, then pick the person/s you admire (as in want to be like) and ask them nicely. Specify what you want their help in learning. And, this is important, offer something in return (it doesn't have to be money. It could be an agreement to lend them your car, or do certain favours for them). It cannot be a situation where you get all the benefits of their teaching and they get nothing except "the altruistic feeling of helping someone learn". That's just cheap and lame. It's entirely up to them if they want to accept or not, the important thing is you are genuinely prepared to do it. Not only does this show them your appreciation of what you want to learn from them, it preps you mentally to value it. (When people get things for free, they seldom value it.)

(in reply to Greatlilbabygirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 9:09:19 AM   
Greatlilbabygirl


Posts: 786
Joined: 9/9/2016
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

I am baffled by s-sides taking D-type mentors. There 9 times out of 10 you end up with a casual submission arrangement that's mostly play and not much learning, perhaps in part because there isn't a whole lot a Dtype can teach an s-side who isn't motivated to be -their- sub? I can't say for sure. It generally works out better for s-sides to teach other s-sides looking to get into things, and D-types to teach other D-types. It is a teaching relationship so both parties involved should have a clear idea of what they wish to learn and what they're going to teach.


100% agree

(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Mentors - 11/2/2016 11:00:56 AM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		mentors - folderol. Merely another pantaloons term that ingressed its way into the lifestyle, along with poly, cash parasites,cavity stretchers..its along list :)

Here is the problem with mentoring:
You cannot mentor nonsense1 and that nonsense1 will soon come to realise that and find nonsense2 to mentor it and both of these types will completely surround themselves with one another. Its a vicious cycle a catch 22, therefore those fukers breed and enable one other..sometimes people refer to them as cliques.

Let me approach it another way how does one guide/mentor:
1. the Titanic
2. Someone broken from reality, vulnerable, not all together there etc
3. Stop predatorty types for doing so to 1 & 2.

There are few good people out there with outstanding advice, just not many. Actually maths-percentage wise they are not too bad on here.

S-D(types whatever that really means) lets call it rainbow are more than capable of giving excellent advice from all perspectives. But there numbers are few - perhaps there are more than even I think and simply drowned out by the mad waffle



< Message edited by WickedsDesire -- 11/2/2016 11:05:15 AM >

(in reply to Greatlilbabygirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Mentors - 11/5/2016 12:00:41 AM   
DomStrictMale


Posts: 97
Joined: 6/17/2014
Status: offline 		Could be a Master of....bation. :)

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Mentors - 11/5/2016 7:44:17 AM   
ohthat1percent


Posts: 167
Joined: 9/24/2016
Status: offline 		The word MASTER has much history throughout the WORLD much less history within the US and specifically BDSM based. So before you start narrowing it down, you may want to recall that MASTER has meant a lot in many different ways especially in concept of M/s - - NOT BDSM, which is what MOST people use it as nowadays. So yes, I know a little bit about both and much about a few aspects of how the title and word has been used in history.. But I disagree that the word or title MASTER is specific to what you speak of regarding the leather community, in the community it holds all sorts of meanings depending on who you speak to. As I said, the title MASTER can simply be a potential relationship goal of a person etc. Your response is why I get so disgusted with the "community" because you all act as if YOUR views are what matters and people NEED to learn about crap they aren't interested in in order to be accepted. I don't DISRESPECT anyone's use of the word Master, but I have my own views as to what it is and when someone like you tells me that I MUST learn the history of a title based on BDSM, is utterly ridiculous. I don't have a whole hell of a lot of free time in my life, and I don't appreciate people telling me I MUST and SHOULD learn the history of a sanctimonious TITLE that some people use to mean something it doesn't mean to ME.

I am not trying to be rude, but no I don't and shouldn't need to learn anything about LEATHER history because some guys decide the title Master means something to them that it doesn't TO ME. This is why I stay away from the community, the arrogance and ridiculousness of titles that people feel others should respect because of what that title means to them. Sorry but no.

Be well

_____________________________

A dominant man is not a man who is content to simply receive submission; a dominant man is not so obliging.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Mentors - 11/5/2016 8:46:04 AM   
Curmudgeonly1


Posts: 466
Joined: 10/6/2011
Status: offline 		I've yet to meet the man who called himself 'Master' who was, in fact, a master of any more than his own domain, so to speak. As with guilds & crafts, so in the 'kink' 'community' Master is an appellation bestowed by one's peers after long and careful consideration in recognition of his superior knowledge, skill and accomplishments. Anything less is fraud and self-naming is just pure wankery.



_____________________________

"The more defects a man may have, the older he is, the less lovable, the more resounding his success." Donatien Alphonse François

Dummheit straft sich selbst.

(in reply to ohthat1percent)
Profile   Post #: 20
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