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How do others do it? - 7/23/2006 9:13:29 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

I hope I make sense in this post. I am pretty shaken.

When your relationship ends, how do you get over it? What are the things you do to help the pain? It has been almost seven years, admittedly the last couple have been rough, but I have hung in there.. waiting for things to be right again... and they have been, for brief times. He was my first Master, he taught me so much, about me, about life..about how to love. It is hard to think of a future without him in it.. so many dreams, so many hopes were wrapped up in him. My life will forever be enriched for having had him in it.. Before I make this anymore of a pity party than it already is, can someone just give me some ways that they have coped with something this painful and hard?

Post #: 1

RE: How do others do it? - 7/23/2006 9:22:33 PM

petcerina

Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline

i wrote this journal entry to get over someone who left me hanging. The relationship wasn't long and we never met in real life, but i had a hard time getting over him because i had never been left like that. i also found out he was with a girl he said he'd never be with so that was hard as well. Although this may seem trival, it helped me learn an important lesson and i've tried to pass it on to others. It did help someone who had gone through a horrible divorce, so maybe it can help you. Here is my entry:

Finally Letting Go of Josh
i was listening to this song, and i'm not sure if i ever wrote down how i was able to get over Josh. It took a long time. Longer than i expected it to. i was hoping that i would be able to be over him in a month or so after everything was cut off. It took a little over two months. i couldn't let go of him until i had a reason for why he broke up with me. i had been broken up with before, but never without a reason. i just kept thinking what i had done wrong and thinking he would come back. i kept thinking if he would come back i would take him back and we would be happy together. i would get depressed sometimes for periods of time because i couldn't figure out this reason and would think about how he left me and how hurt i was still. So what got me over him? i was at Albertsons, and i heard this song called "Smile" by Lonestar. It's about smiling even when someone walks away from you because you want to make them happy. Well that's all i ever wanted to do for Josh was make him happy. i decided that if i really loved him, and really wanted him to be happy, then i could just let him go. i had my reason. The reason Josh left me was because for whatever reason, he wasn't happy. And that was all that was important. If he could find happiness with someone else, then by all means he should. So i let him go that day. It was that day that i got closure and closed that door, never to open it again.

So i have a message for anyone who's ever been left without any trace of the person or reason why. Here's what you need to know. If you really loved them, really want them to be happy, let them go. The reason they walked away is because they weren't happy. If they were they would have stayed. And that's all that matters. All the other reasons are irrelevant. That is the core of why they left, because no one leaves when they are happy. Move on and stop torturing yourself with questions you will never have the answer to.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 2

RE: How do others do it? - 7/23/2006 9:38:25 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

Thank you... I know it is good advice, I am going to put it in my journal to look at later, when i am more ready to absorb it, entirely. I am happy for you, that you got over it. It is true, I do only want him to be happy, I want him to find his joy. (then that selfish voice inside says "but he was supposed to be happy with me, I was supposed to be his joy) I guess until that part of me shuts up, I wont be able to see all the wisdom in your words. I thank you for them.

(in reply to petcerina)

Post #: 3

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 4:17:34 AM

irishbynature

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

This is a mantra a friend gave me once. It helped me get over/get on with it. Hope you can use it.

"I am the love which I seek. I find all the love, within me".
Warmly,
Irishbynature

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 4

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 4:45:14 AM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

Thanks Irish (smile) Funny how we can know all these things, but when times like this happen, it all goes out the window.

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 5

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 5:45:48 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I am not sure if you ever really get over it but you learn to live with it. I had no choice when my late Master died i had to learn to live it. The pain fades but you always have memories.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 6

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 5:58:40 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Dear reticence,

You have my sympathy, you really do. My one and only Dominant wanted to get together with me again last year, after I'd stopped seeing him. I saw him once, and then I couldn't do it anymore, even though I really did (sort of still do) love him (it's a long, boring story) . He told me then: "If you walk out that door, it closes and locks for good." He meant it. I've wanted to get together with him, just for coffee or to say hello, but he won't do it. He is with someone else now. My fault, but it still stings.

My methodology for dealing with this kind of thing: Pamper yourself (go get a new haircut, or get a pedicure). Write in your journal (or start one) about your feelings. Eat your favorite ice cream. Go out with friends. Cry as much as you need to - and remember: It does get better. It really does. Here is a big HUG for you. God bless,

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/24/2006 5:59:50 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 7

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 7:31:17 AM

amlonging

Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

So i have a message for anyone who's ever been left without any trace of the person or reason why. Here's what you need to know. If you really loved them, really want them to be happy, let them go. The reason they walked away is because they weren't happy. If they were they would have stayed. And that's all that matters. All the other reasons are irrelevant. That is the core of why they left, because no one leaves when they are happy. Move on and stop torturing yourself with questions you will never have the answer to.

Petcernia said the above. Mostly I agree, but the answers to WHY WHY WHY will never be yours, so my advice is never to ask why. Hide the blessings and gifts deep within you, grieve, heal and then move on toward a differnt journey, a journey in witch you define your dreams, goals and desires. Pity gets one no where. Self destructive behaviour gets one no where. Find the strength to move on after moarning and to your Higher Strength leave the rest. Been there done that on many levels.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 8

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 7:40:43 AM

trippingdaisy

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

i'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. :(

i suppose, for me, it was always how tough of a breakup it was, or what led to it. Either way, it's always been time that did it for me, and a lot of prayer. Therapy, too. Learning cognitive thinking skills was the best thing i ever could have done. It taught me to think, 'i hurt right now, but i'll be okay eventually,' instead of: "i'm shatterd, and i'm never going to feel better about this."

Having said that, there's really no 'one' way to get over things...crying a lot, being angry, writing letters that you'll never send (or even sending them!), talking to people who understand...all of that can help. Ultimately, though, it'll be time that helps, and eventually the hurt will go away, and the memories you have will make you smile instead of mourn.

i hope things get better!

_____________________________

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 9

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 7:53:53 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

I can empathize with you, especially about how long the relationship was. Mine was 8 years and I am still trying to get over it. It does not help that I still see him once in a while. So, to help you, I would recommend staying away from him so you can heal faster.

I know that my seeing him still is self destructive, but this thread is about YOU and how you can get over it. My story is just an illustration of what NOT to do.

Best of luck.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to trippingdaisy)

Post #: 10

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 7:57:38 AM

nstyslave

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline

reticence, my heart goes out to you! It is one of the hardest things in the world to suffer lose, and get through the whole grieving process, which is in affect is what is going through. There i no doubt left by your post, how you feel about this Master.

There is no set time limit, for how long it takes a person to heal. We all deal with grief differently, in our own ways, and in our own time. i have been where you are (perhaps different specifics) but, that great sense of loss, of being lost, of hurting, and of grief, i do understand. i know you pain, i only wish there were more than mere words and understanding, that i could offer to you.

For a time after my release i left this lifestyle, thinking that i would not ever do this. However, to do so is to deny self, and i found out after about a year and a half, that i was only running from myself. i did find though, that no matter my physical release, true ownership is the collar around the heart, mind, and soul, and it takes a while to "find self" again. Only after about 3 and a half years was i able to move on. i don't know the answer to help you with this time in your life, but please know that some day when you look back, it will have been a learning experience, and you will get through this, it is but one of life's many tests.

i told myself daily in regards to my release (that i asked for), "learn to feel, deal, heal, and then pick yourself back up." a sub/slave cannot give in the manner that occurs in this lifestyle, and instantly get self back. As great as the highs that He is possible of giving her, the lows can be extreme as well. With time, and kindness to yourself, "one day" things will begin looking brighter too You. It is especially hard because this was your first Master. There have been some awesome suggestions here, pertaining to pampering yourself and the healing process. It's okay to hurt, it is okay to grieve, it is okay to feel lost beyond belief, but also there comes a time where one must choose to continue on with life...baby steps, reticence, and i think this post was a good first step. Best wishes, now and always.

~nsty

_____________________________

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

(in reply to petcerina)

Post #: 11

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 9:29:54 AM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

You are all so kind, thank you very much. I do need to grieve, to feel the sorrow. I am so grateful that you all did not denigrate him, he is not a bad person. I am sure in his own way, he is hurting too. I apologize for not having any other words right now, except thank you.

(in reply to nstyslave)

Post #: 12

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 10:35:37 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Hi ret,

May I suggest the book, "How to survive the loss of a love"? One of the most helpful books I have ever read, and have recomended it many times. I am so sorry for your pain.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 13

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 10:45:54 AM

Anewbeginning

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline

This topic and all the wonderful answers and suggestions were really helpful. I don't want to go into detail, but just reading the responses already lifted my spirits.
Thank you to all that wrote and gave advice.

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 14

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 10:49:46 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I guess the way I am able to come back from my first dominant was we kept on this emotional rollercoaster for over 2 yrs.. back and forth. Everytime we parted it became that much easier to let go when it was finally over... it was a relief that I was able to move on.

I have to say he has a part of me that I can't get back, and such is the nature of being a submissive.. we give so much, and when we submit it takes a part of our soul. I made peace with it by accepting it, and having faith that the universe is kind and there must be something else I was supposed to be doing and that was not the path to my own enlightenment, and I was not furthering his either. Loving him did not mean hating myself or denying myself happiness. Even if I were to spend the rest of my life alone (which when we first parted ways seemed very possible to me) didn't mean I could not be happy.

I think sometimes we hold on to heartache to prove our love for another, but it doesn't prove depth of love. It only means we deny ourselves the ability to love others, and love is never wrong. It also means we do not have to take risks that may turn out badly because we do not want to chance being hurt so deeply again. I have done this before when overcoming my marriage, I haven't lived with a man in 15 years. I have long been ready for more, and in the last year was devastated once again, but I was determined to continue taking risks...

Im now in a new dynamic that I could not have possibly forseen a year ago, a year ago I was in Atlanta with my former dom and thinking of relocation there, now I am with someone new... and lo and behold.. I am excited about the future and all its possibilities once more. It can happen, just have to decide the stuff you packed in that bag isn't worth hauling around anymore... Good luck

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/24/2006 10:54:30 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 15

RE: How do others do it? - 7/24/2006 1:15:50 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I'll play PolyAnna (in a sense)...relationships don't always last forever. It is difficult at the time of loss to look upon it like this: You were enriched by having this person in your life - be happy for that - that is incredibly special - it will never go away. It is now time to reflect, appreciate and continue with YOUR journey. Lossing someone sucks - no question about it. BUT... if you can think about it as NOT losing, but what you GAINED...

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 16

RE: How do others do it? - 7/25/2006 6:25:26 AM

nstyslave

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline

reticence, you are most welcome.

_____________________________

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 17

RE: How do others do it? - 7/25/2006 3:32:56 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

There is always a reason....a reason someone comes into your life..(because you needed them at that time) a reason someone exits your life..(because you truly no longer need them)..This is what I say to myself when such happens..be well and heal...Tempting

(in reply to nstyslave)

Post #: 18

RE: How do others do it? - 7/25/2006 3:50:01 PM

fyreredsub

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline

You have my heartfelt sympathy,its always a bad time when things end.((big hug))
i dont know how good i am at giving advice because
i dont know if the peices will get put back togethor, in my own relationship or if it is even righ to attempt to do so .
right now, i'm still trying to understand WHY i was not able to fully let go completely with that leap of fath and just trust(i have my reasons but are they based on vanilla thinking or failing as a slave)???.there was alot that happened fast that threw me for a loop all real quick in one day and i acted without thinking of the consequences. i got scared and hurt the owner...now we are barely speaking but still holding on ,for what and why who knows..maybe it will work out in the end maybe it wont...
limbo sucks
i had to prove i was right and its not a kajiras place to do so

so now i pay the price for my actions
no matter how it turns out

there will be a grieving process (if the time comes i get released) no doubt more tears,

keeps fingers crossed it will turn out the way i wish but asks the heavens for what fate wishes because what i want might not be whats best for me..........

having my friends support is very good
staying busy always helps and
when the pain is less
refecting and learning
and learn to forgive yourself and be good to you no matter what

< Message edited by fyreredsub -- 7/25/2006 4:03:29 PM >

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 19

RE: How do others do it? - 7/25/2006 4:04:06 PM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline

Every relationship that I have been in, I have been the one to let the man "go." Not necessarily as a "break-up" but as a "fly free" type situation. It's never easy, my friend, no matter what the situation... My last (of 3) husbands was the most difficult because I was *sure* that I had done everything I could do to pick the right man, only to find out that he was using me to try to forget another woman that he desperately loves... I finally sat him down (after 5 years) and said, "You need to embrace your feelings for her and go with your heart, because I am letting you go." It was the best thing I could have done for the both of us, but it was still very very hard to do. I put off mourning him for a long time, then finally just let it happen...

Anytime that there is a parting of ways, there is a time of mourning that must occur. Whether that time occurs right away, or sneaks up on you later, you must know that it *has* to happen. Let it. Go with your feelings knowing that at some point you will be ready to let go. You can't rush it, and yes, it hurts very much... but knowing that you care for him, and want him to be happy should help you get through the darkest hours... and friends... embrace your friends and let them help you through this. And, try to keep in mind that there is someone waiting in the wings... you may not know Him yet, but he's out there somewhere... (I found mine)

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find happiness soon.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 20

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