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ThatDizzyChick -> RE: How does it feel to need? (12/20/2016 8:20:07 PM)
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quote:
It's not even the case of forming a perception of why you did what you did all the time. Most of the time we merely do something, and then observe ourselves doing that thing, giving it no further thought whatsoever. There's not really a reason behind it. No actual choices were made. No rationalization was given to it afterwards.
This really resonated with me. Many times, not just recently, when I do ask why I did something, I find I really have no idea. I often can come up with a rationale, but when I think about that rationale, it almost always rings hollow, it is an ex-post-facto rationale. When I delve deeper, i realize that i have no fucking clue why I did whatever it was I did, I just did it. Now, like I said this is something I have noticed for a long time, and I just accepted it as one more oddity of being Dizzy.
However, recently I have been thinking on it further, digging into it more (breastfeeding is wonderfully conducive to some really deep thinking) and I have found that often I can indeed figure out why I did what I did. I either can get a glimpse of something hidden that lay beneath the decision to act that way (this is the scary shit thing I mentioned in the earlier post, and a lot of the time I just don't have the guts to delve deeper, though I do sort of file the insight away for the future, to look at when I have more courage. A tendency to deliberate self-destruction is a scary thing to analyze). And other times, the majority, I can see the reasons, not any conscious thing, but I can figure out the experiences and assumptions that led to the automatic act. And this is the exact opposite of the scary shit, this is exhilarating and liberating.
Now this really surprised me, because I have always thought of myself as a really analytical person. When I left the Catholic church, I did not do so on a whim, when I felt it was not speaking to my situation or my pain (yeah, my Mom again, I told you that fucked me right up), rather than just turn away from it, I delved deeper into it. I studied it's dogma and theology, looking for a deeper insight to why I felt so very spiritually empty. And I found no answers, all i found was lies. So then I left the church. And then I embarked on a long journey of religious study and exploration that lasted well into my 20s, until I finally came to the conclusions and interpretation of God, etc. that did speak to my pain and my spiritual turmoil. (sorry for the long digression)
So it really surprised me that there was so much of my life that I had not subjected to analysis, not just afterwards, but even during or before, it surprised the hell out of me just how much of my life was just on instinct and not at all rational.
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