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Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 6:27:30 AM

darkinshadows

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From: UK
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Reading with interest peoples replies to the thread 'Do your friends & family know?'... and finding it interesting. Brings a question to mind... many people talk about 'truth & honesty' being so important in BDSM, but yet, do not feel able to be that open and honest to others? Understandably there are cases and times when discretion is valid, but whynot to our most treasured loved ones? What is the difference in hiding this specific 'deceit'? What makes one person a 'liar' and another person 'just being careful'. Many people almost burst with the enthusiasm they bestow upon their Masters/subs/....the 'wonderful times' they have, only to turn there back on it and 'pretend' to be someone they are truely not? Where is that line drawn?

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 6:43:44 AM

willing2serve

Posts: 385
Joined: 4/6/2004
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You do bring up a valid point...but in my case I dont discuss it with other family members out of respect, which respect is high on the list with honesty and truth.

I live in the Southern Bible belt, raised on green beans and guilt every Sunday. Sexual activities were regarded to remain discreet no matter of what flavor. Even though most of us know BDSM is not all sexual, those not-in-the-know regard it mostly as a sexual perversion (imo); therefore i am honest to myself and i respect others and don't publically display this that is so deeply inside of me.

To sum it up...my line is drawn at ....R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 2

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 7:01:36 AM

INSIDEYOURMIND

Posts: 483
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In my case my parents are both dead, I, out of respect do not discuss this with my children, but our friends know of our lifestyle.

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to willing2serve)

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 7:48:57 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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For me, it's a matter of flat out lying versus not saying anything at all.

If someone asks me about my lifestyle choices, I answer them truthfully, in the degree of detail I believe they would like/can handle/I would like them to know. If someone doesn't ask, I feel no reason to tell them. Ex- my dad does -not- want to know I have a sexual side, in -any- aspect. I feel no need to come out to him about anything, because it would just make him uncomfortable. He's asked me if I have sex. I said yes, and left it at that, because that's all he wanted to know.

I aggree with Willing2Serve that it's about respect, both for yourself and for the people you're talking to. I won't lie, but I also don't force confessions on individuals who don't want to know.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 9:26:53 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
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quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

For me, it's a matter of flat out lying versus not saying anything at all.

If someone asks me about my lifestyle choices, I answer them truthfully, in the degree of detail I believe they would like/can handle/I would like them to know. If someone doesn't ask, I feel no reason to tell them. Ex- my dad does -not- want to know I have a sexual side, in -any- aspect. I feel no need to come out to him about anything, because it would just make him uncomfortable. He's asked me if I have sex. I said yes, and left it at that, because that's all he wanted to know.

I aggree with Willing2Serve that it's about respect, both for yourself and for the people you're talking to. I won't lie, but I also don't force confessions on individuals who don't want to know.

I agree with the other folks, it is a matter of respect. If BDSM isn't a part of their life already, and they aren't curious about it, telling them is non consensual, you are giving them information that in the normal course of their lives they wouldn't want.
I told my sister a little bit, she asked a few questions & then said that was all the information she wanted. I won't tell my brother because he hasn't forgiven me for things I did 30 years ago and his life doesn't include an interest in BDSM. I won't tell my mother because she is 90 and slipping into dementia. She would translate it into I am going to hell and be extremely upset, which would raise her blood pressure & make her ill. My grown children know because they were dabbling in bedroom BDSM before I ever found the lifestyle. Also they live close to me and are a part of my life. I tell them what they ask and nothing more.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to perverseangelic)

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 9:39:44 AM

BlkTallFullfig

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I agree with Willing that what I do in the proverbial bedroom is my business, but will answer honestly if my family members want to know specifics (in general have divulged to some sibblings).
I'm actually against shoving info down people's throats if they're against it politically/morally or are simply uncomfortable with it, especially as it relates to sexual preferences/acts (I mean sex/BDSM losely used here), because if it is is done in public, it should be with consent of all (not just the exhibitionists').
Ms M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 12/6/2004 9:41:39 AM >

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 6

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 10:04:18 AM

srahfox

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
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Almost all of my friends know, except for a few 'prudish' ones. They don't ask me about my sex life, I don't ask about theirs. My family does not know, because they don't need to. If they flat out asked me, or were attacking something I hold to heart, I would tell them. But I really would rather not know about my mom's sex life, and I return that favor. We are not... secret about the way we live out lives, I have worn my collar in public. However we don't flaunt it.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 7

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 10:55:39 AM

Destinysskeins

Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
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Greetings,

As stated so well by the other's who have posted beforehand...

Since when is my sex/private life the concern of anyone else? i'm certainly not in the habit of asking friends and/or family about their private concerns and i'm happy that they glady return the favor. True, i am a bit more introverted than some and i do reside in a Christian geared environment where such topics aren't broached so readily but it does seem that other's feel quite similarily.

In truth though...

The best thing about your private life is just that. (it's private!

)

(in reply to srahfox)

Post #: 8

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 12:48:04 PM

Wolfsbabygirlz

Posts: 37
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

Greetings to you ....Couldnt have said it better myself ...agree totally. im just now embracing my chosen lifestyle, with all I got, have the Dom of my dreams too ...ahh life is good. =) thank you for that
Wolfsbabygirlz

(in reply to darkinshadows)

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 12:57:42 PM

RiotGirl

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Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 11:15:33 PM >

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 1:12:59 PM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
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I am a big one for being truthful and honest. By the same token, I am a big person who believes in being consensual. I do not believe I have the right to make others uncomfortable. My family is aware of my relationship. My mother has requested we leave things as *don't ask don't tell* for details, because she doesn't understand and her religion says it doesn't matter, it's just wrong, so you doesn't want to try. She just accepts I am a big girl and have the right to live my own life.

I say *Master* in public about 60% of the time, possibly more. If I am in a place that I know it would make others uncomfortable, I refer to Master by his given name (Ross)... because of the already mentioned reasons. Is this being dishonest in our life to others? Of course not. We are true to who and what we are,,, but the title *Master* is just that,,, a title. And if I call Mrs. Joyce Smith by Joyce, I am not denying she is married, I am only using the more common part of her name.

We talk about *our* house, *our* new car, *our stock* or whatever with people. Still, even when I use that term, almost without thought, I laugh and say something like: Well, actually I'm not on any of the accounts, everything is in Ross' name.

Some people are shocked, some think I'm joking, and others think it's kewl. But, no matter what other's think, I have no problem with it. I trust in my relationship with Master and KNOW deep down he will always take care of my needs, and often even my *wants*. He gives me an allowance, and doesn't question how I spend it, yet, even with that, I tend to always ask first. Just a habit.

So, where some might think I am being dishonest by not *always* saying Master, I do what he wishes... and that is to try to make other's around us comfortable, and to remember that though *we* don't have to like society's rules, we do have to watch out for some of them for the sake and best interest of our children.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to Wolfsbabygirlz)

Post #: 11

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 1:18:01 PM

feline

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

What goes on in my home is my business and no one else's. As long as no laws are being broken and no harm is being done. It is my choice who I share it with. How is that lying? My family and friends do not care how I live my life as long as I am happy and safe.

I don't expect or ask others to tell me what goes on in their homes. Or how they choose to live their lives. It's not my business.

Take care,

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 12

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 2:39:33 PM

darkinshadows

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From: UK
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quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

I aggree with Willing2Serve that it's about respect, both for yourself and for the people you're talking to. I won't lie, but I also don't force confessions on individuals who don't want to know.

yup... My own personal opinion, could not agree more.Thank you for such an eloquent response.

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 13

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 2:41:18 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Thanks to all who voiced their opinions sofar...

love and peace

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 14

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 3:36:38 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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My question back to you is would you tell you family about a vanilla sex life?? I sure wouldn't. Calling my Dad or Aunt and saying.. "Hey guess what.. I just got laid" or "bobby and I just screwed out in the yard" isn't about to happen. Since BDSM is my sex life, why would I share it around with just anyone. There is such a thing as TMI (too much information.) Just as I don't want to hear about someone's bowel problems, I doubt they want to hear about the ins and outs of my sex life. There is a difference between private and honest.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to darkinshadows)

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 5:17:25 PM

feline

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Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
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quote:

Just as I don't want to hear about someone's bowel problems

Oh I love this! Thanks so much for the laugh! Even if it wasn't meant to be funny, it brightened my day.

Take care,

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 16

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 5:25:12 PM

RiotGirl

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< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 11:15:56 PM >

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 5:25:20 PM

TahoeSadist

Posts: 176
Joined: 8/3/2004
Status: offline

I tend to operate on a "need to know" basis. Thus, non-scene friends and family have no real need to know how I pass my time. I don't see it as any form of "deceit" or "lying", simply a case of providing needed info as I see it. That, and as I don't ask (and truly don't want to know) about others sexual activities, I most certainly don't spend time discussing my own, changing the subject when it does come up, which is in keeping with my rule of "need to know".

Eric

_____________________________

As long as one of us enjoys it, it's not a total waste

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 18

RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/6/2004 10:38:39 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

i "feel" the line is drawn at the age of "awakening"
My granddaughter thinks the cage in my bedroom was from a recently decesed dog I had. She is 6 ,I will not tell her that no "dog" had ever been in it. And she will never see anyone "in it".
Floggers and chains and other "toys" are visable and I am not ashamed at all about their presence nor should I be.

A lot of my kids have fun in the "swing" at the beachhouse. they do NOT know what its used for. My older children over the age of 18 know very well what its used for and why my "nic" is 'Kinkypupper" . They are not as "kinky" as dad but they respect who and what I am. And I have no problem talking to them about it.

When I do collar a female she will wear a collar in the home at all times. (it may be a visible collar around her neck or a small ring pierced threw a nipple) Its presence will have been earned and something she will be happy and wanting to wear.
I work out of my home and customers do come in regularly. They can think what they wish. It will not be hidden or something one should be ashamed of but just the opposite something to be proud of.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to darkinshadows)

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RE: Drawing a line at family and friends? - 12/7/2004 1:31:29 AM

harmony3709

Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
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In my opinion, being open and honest does not mean that I share every intimate detail of my personal life with anyone who happens to ask (heaven forbid) or I happen to converse with. I also agree with the previous posts regarding respecting others feelings, and having consideration for their values and modesty. If I'm at a BDSM social function or with others in the lifestyle, we are obviously way more free and loose in our discussions, but obviously at the comfort level of everyone there.

The line can definitely be crossed into too much information, and I am happy to stay safely on the side of privacy. I was once put into that very awkward position when my supervisor (and not even a personal friend) closed the door to her office and proceeded to ask my advice regarding her "lack of libido" and explain to me that she couldn't understand why her husband objected her coming to bed with her pet bird on her shoulder. After an extremely awkward silence, I simply said that maybe if she trained the bird to join in, her husband would not object -- and refrained from giving my "open and honest" opinion of her issues with libido and keeping a straight face, turned and left the room as quickly as possible. She had definitely crossed the line and that was waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too much information.........ok, definitely a funny picture for me to get the giggles over, but aside from that, please, I won't tell if you won't, lol.

harmony

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 20

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