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When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 1:45:27 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		Many years ago when I first started exploring "all of this", I remember some people telling me how they felt that it was not a good thing for a Master to fall in love with his slave, because it would cause him to go soft on her. She would slowly try to get past the rules he hadd set for her, and he would let things go until eventually the relationship was essentially vanilla.

Well....I am finally seeing this for myself for the first time. I have a Dominant friend who has been in an on-again/off-again relationship with his slave for several years, and with most recent time she has come back to him, he really doesn't want to lose her this time....he wants this to time to be for good. But even he sees what is happening and he has expressed his fears to me. He sees that she is doing things she shouldn't....making decisions without asking him first, making plans to visit friends out of town, insisting that they need to stop somewhere while on a trip, and then arguing with him. He knows he needs to put his foot down but he is afraid that if he does, he will lose her again, and he doesn't want that to happen again.

Have any of you had this problem? How did you handle it? Any suggestions for any advice I can give him?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 2:02:50 PM   
kiwisub22


Posts: 450
Joined: 7/16/2016
Status: offline 		She doesn't sound terribly slave-y to me - and he doesn't sound very dominant.
The only thing he can do , if he wants this relationship to remain BDSM-y is to be dominant - and if he loses the so-called slave then so be it. And if he issues ultimatums he has to carry through with them. No if's , and's and but's.

Otherwise he might as well declare the relationship vanilla , with possibly some kinky sex and be done with it.

Has he actually talked to the alleged slave about why she is behaving this way? Ya know, like communicated his issues, and received input?

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 2:03:45 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Many years ago when I first started exploring "all of this", I remember some people telling me how they felt that it was not a good thing for a Master to fall in love with his slave, because it would cause him to go soft on her. She would slowly try to get past the rules he hadd set for her, and he would let things go until eventually the relationship was essentially vanilla.

Well....I am finally seeing this for myself for the first time. I have a Dominant friend who has been in an on-again/off-again relationship with his slave for several years, and with most recent time she has come back to him, he really doesn't want to lose her this time....he wants this to time to be for good. But even he sees what is happening and he has expressed his fears to me. He sees that she is doing things she shouldn't....making decisions without asking him first, making plans to visit friends out of town, insisting that they need to stop somewhere while on a trip, and then arguing with him. He knows he needs to put his foot down but he is afraid that if he does, he will lose her again, and he doesn't want that to happen again.

Have any of you had this problem? How did you handle it? Any suggestions for any advice I can give him?


I would argue that he's not Dominant and she probably isn't submissive.

Desiring control doesn't make you Dominant. (In fact, in most cases it means you're using D/s as a crutch for other issues) Being a Dominant means you're a leader. People follow you.

He's not leading and she's not following.

That doesn't mean that love in a D/s relationship doesn't work. It means that D/s isn't working in their relationship.

If the D/s is important to him, he needs to sit down and discuss his unhappiness with her in an ADULT manner, be prepared for the outcome to possibly be negative and to respect himself to not ignore his own boundary.




< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 3/1/2017 3:04:35 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 3:30:20 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		A man has to master himself before he can master anyone else.

Just how it goes.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 4:06:07 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		This thread came to mind

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(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 4:16:47 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		It's a shame because he is very Dominant....has been for almost 40 years. His wife was VERY submissive to him for almost 25 years. But there is just something about this one particular girl that just has him blindsided and he has felt this way about her from when they first got together.

I've seen him be consistent with other slaves, but I think she gets bored and restless. She comes back to him and will be his dream slave for a couple of months...and then she will lose her interest and discipline. He gets frustrated because he doesn't want a vanilla relationship....and never has.

I keep trying to tell him that he just has to decide....either he wants M/s....or he wants her.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Musicmystery)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 4:30:19 PM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

It's a shame because he is very Dominant....has been for almost 40 years. His wife was VERY submissive to him for almost 25 years. But there is just something about this one particular girl that just has him blindsided and he has felt this way about her from when they first got together.

I've seen him be consistent with other slaves, but I think she gets bored and restless. She comes back to him and will be his dream slave for a couple of months...and then she will lose her interest and discipline. He gets frustrated because he doesn't want a vanilla relationship....and never has.

I keep trying to tell him that he just has to decide....either he wants M/s....or he wants her.


If she is the one maintaining her own discipline, they are not M/s.

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 6:38:47 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

It's a shame because he is very Dominant....has been for almost 40 years. His wife was VERY submissive to him for almost 25 years.
Well, for my situation - I'm an Alpha personality. In order to feel submissive in a relationship, he needs to be more Alpha than I am. Which means 95% of the male Doms out there aren't Dominant to me. So, just because his wife felt it, doesn't mean that everyone will feel it. It may have just been the right relationship.

quote:

I've seen him be consistent with other slaves
Which may say more about them than him. As a submissive, part of the responsibility to follow through on the agreement lies with me.

quote:

She comes back to him and will be his dream slave for a couple of months...and then she will lose her interest and discipline.
A relationship failing is rarely the fault of just one person. So, I'm willing to bet that there are two sides to this story.

quote:

He gets frustrated because he doesn't want a vanilla relationship....and never has.
Well, then he needs to sit down and have a calm adult discussion about why he's not happy. But, he needs to give her a chance to talk too.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 7:48:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So he finds someone else who wants to be in a power relationship with him while he has a fwb relationship with this woman.
They simply aren't compatible for the relationship he wants.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/1/2017 8:31:33 PM   
HumanFirst


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/20/2014
Status: offline 		Presuming that she is actually submissive, and he is actually dominant.

It seems that his desire to keep her has led him down that old well trodden male path of thinking he needs to be doing the things that she wants.

By doing what she wants he is slowly turning himself into her submissive. Which can only ever lead to her finding him increasingly unattractive.

The first thing he needs to do is to decide if he wants to continue morphing into her submissive, or if he is willing to risk losing her to take control.

If he decides he wants to take control, then he should talk to her about how he has failed in controlling her, explain to her that he is going to change the relationship, explain to her what he expects from her. Finally make it clear that if she isn't comfortable with that then they should terminate the relationship.


(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/2/2017 9:37:20 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
Have any of you had this problem? How did you handle it? Any suggestions for any advice I can give him?

I handle it by keeping my nose out of other people's affairs.

How other people handle their dynamics isn't my business.

Unless you are *intimately* involved with either of them, meaning you have a real stake in how this goes or how it turns out, I would suggest to you that you are nothing more than an outsider. It isn't your place to give advice. How they handle their romantic, or non-romantic affairs, isn't your place to say one way or the other.

Best advice? Ask once if this is what your friend wants in their life. If it is, tell your friend that you are there for them if that opinion changes. Then, drop it. Unless somebody is going to the ER over abuse or some other extreme thing, no third party needs to have a judgement on their relationship.

Unless somebody comes to you and says they want out, accept that they want the relationship, period.



_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/2/2017 10:38:06 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
Have any of you had this problem? How did you handle it? Any suggestions for any advice I can give him?

I handle it by keeping my nose out of other people's affairs.

How other people handle their dynamics isn't my business.

Unless you are *intimately* involved with either of them, meaning you have a real stake in how this goes or how it turns out, I would suggest to you that you are nothing more than an outsider. It isn't your place to give advice. How they handle their romantic, or non-romantic affairs, isn't your place to say one way or the other.

Best advice? Ask once if this is what your friend wants in their life. If it is, tell your friend that you are there for them if that opinion changes. Then, drop it. Unless somebody is going to the ER over abuse or some other extreme thing, no third party needs to have a judgement on their relationship.

Unless somebody comes to you and says they want out, accept that they want the relationship, period.





Very true. I was going from the perspective that he's asked for advice.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/2/2017 12:36:53 PM   
ThundersCry2U


Posts: 52
Joined: 8/30/2016
Status: offline 		*When LOVE comes to town...you better watch that...train *

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/3/2017 11:15:55 AM   
LTE


Posts: 461
Joined: 1/17/2017
Status: offline
quote:

I remember some people telling me how they felt that it was not a good thing for a Master to fall in love with his slave...


Not me. Love is good always. Even the Gorean books are romances as I have always said in the past. Love is bound to alter the relationship as both surrender to love.

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/3/2017 11:26:48 AM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LTE


quote:

I remember some people telling me how they felt that it was not a good thing for a Master to fall in love with his slave...


Not me. Love is good always. Even the Gorean books are romances as I have always said in the past. Love is bound to alter the relationship as both surrender to love.


The point in the Gorean novels was that a Master who fell in love with his slave had to be even harsher with her. He couldn't surrender to HER if he surrendered to loving her. A slave needs to be kept as a slave regardless of whether the Master loves her or not.

(in reply to LTE)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/3/2017 11:37:56 AM   
LTE


Posts: 461
Joined: 1/17/2017
Status: offline
quote:

A slave needs to be kept as a slave ...


You say that.

Priest Kings of Gor, p 315. "Your affairs," I (Cabot) told him, but speaking to myself, "are your affairs ---and not mine".



< Message edited by LTE -- 3/3/2017 11:38:50 AM >

(in reply to tamaka)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/3/2017 11:44:22 AM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LTE

quote:

A slave needs to be kept as a slave ...


You say that.

Priest Kings of Gor, p 315. "Your affairs," I (Cabot) told him, but speaking to myself, "are your affairs ---and not mine".




Sure. It's not an 'affairs' thing. It is just a fact of nature. If what you consider to be your slave is calling the shots, you are delusional in thinking of her as your slave.

(in reply to LTE)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/3/2017 12:16:40 PM   
LTE


Posts: 461
Joined: 1/17/2017
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tamaka


quote:

ORIGINAL: LTE

quote:

A slave needs to be kept as a slave ...


You say that.

Priest Kings of Gor, p 315. "Your affairs," I (Cabot) told him, but speaking to myself, "are your affairs ---and not mine".




Sure. It's not an 'affairs' thing. It is just a fact of nature. If what you consider to be your slave is calling the shots, you are delusional in thinking of her as your slave.



But we are. "It is a fact of nature" indicates it is a code of conduct defined by others, by you in this instance. And what is a slave? How does one act? Who decides this?

(in reply to tamaka)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/4/2017 4:47:52 PM   
sexyloveslave666


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/18/2017
Status: offline 		Can't a slave have a special love with her Master and still be that BDSM slave all You have to is keep it in Your mind He's Your Master and obey I obey my Master and still loved Him and was very loyal i even pushed myself to doskes and BDSM play because a slave will always have a slave heart and do what ever to make her Master happy and pleased if a Master saids to His slave I would like both worlds BDSM and a loving and careing to I think it's up to The Master and His slave I have seen slaves love and have BDSM to and they last forever and they are very happy together.

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: When Love Interferes with Dominance and Control - 3/12/2017 8:02:23 AM   
AdamSilentMentor


Posts: 62
Joined: 3/11/2017
From: Denmark
Status: offline 		Very good topic, sSmileforme50. Thank you.

I have met a perfect submissive woman. All I could ever hope for, all my dreams, all my fantasies in one tiny little body. We were madly in love with each other and this beautiful love had never come between the dynamics of our relationship. Loving that woman made me spank her harder, it made our hatefucks rougher, her morning blowjobs more intense. She rarely did her own things and that only because she was a little brat, but I did not feel that love had to change me or her. It made us go deeper in exploring our inner selves and reaching a kind of freedom I hadn't experience before. All thanks to love.

If your friend feels he has to give up his own nature as a Dominant, then he is truly in love with that woman and that is beautiful. I am just afraid that she does not feel the same... and this will crush him sooner or later.

_____________________________

You don't know? I will teach you.
You can't? I will help you.
You won't? I will force you.

(in reply to sexyloveslave666)
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